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  #11  
Old 02-22-2011, 11:08 PM
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Originally Posted by conchordian View Post
Hi! I am the husband of sohuman.
I have attitude (bad attitude even) just about everything so far. I am really argumentative, and have some major disagreements on key aspects of what "polyamory" really is. I will probably at some point criticize and debate every argument used to justify it as somehow more evolved, or healthier a lifestyle choice. Anyway... I'm here, let's see where this goes.
I doubt most people here would get all holier-than-thou and say that poly is more evolved or healthy than anything else. You both have to figure out what's healthy for you. You might hear that it's more challenging, though. Keep reading and asking questions. It's okay that you're angry, your feelings are your feelings.

Welcome!
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  #12  
Old 02-22-2011, 11:09 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Originally Posted by conchordian View Post
redpepper:
You ruined my introduction. Are you really trying to stifle me before I've even done anything reprehensible? Or assuming I will for sure, at some point do something reprehensible? The assumption that I wouldn't read other debates or use the forum appropriately also does not make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Apologize immediately!
Are you serious about this? You come on here, saying that you disagree with everything that has anything to do with polyamory and then get offended that someone said that maybe you should read around a little before starting a debate? How is that in the least bit offensive? Really, coming on here and saying that you are planning on criticizing every point we use to "justify" our choices is much more offensive then a gentle suggestion to read around and see if your points have been covered before.

edited to add: the reason I put justify in quotes is that it reads very much, to me, that you feel that this is a bad lifestyle choice for anyone and that anything we say in support of it is just an excuse used to refuse to take responsibility for our own bad actions. While I would totally agree with the idea that not everyone who claims to practice polyamory does so in an open, ethical way, there are plenty of people who do, balancing our lives so that none of our loved ones get hurt. To say that all of us are wrong and "bad" for practicing it is extremely offensive, at the very least to me.

Last edited by Hannahfluke; 02-22-2011 at 11:12 PM.
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  #13  
Old 02-22-2011, 11:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by conchordian View Post
Hi! I am the husband of sohuman.
I have attitude (bad attitude even) just about everything so far. I am really argumentative, and have some major disagreements on key aspects of what "polyamory" really is. I will probably at some point criticize and debate every argument used to justify it as somehow more evolved, or healthier a lifestyle choice. Anyway... I'm here, let's see where this goes.
I have to admit, I love a lil debate. I am always curious to see how fresh eyes see the poly world ... I would suggest putting it into the lifestyles section, then the integrity of your posts/blog may be left to their own devices.

I think you will find there are those of us in poly who look at poly with critical eyes. There is a whole range of "polyness"...

So weclome
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  #14  
Old 02-22-2011, 11:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Hannahfluke View Post
. . . a gentle suggestion to read around and see if your points have been covered before.
A gentle suggestion? I know that RP didn't mean it this way, but it did come off somewhat like, "I'm tired of debating shit, so shut up and read!" And just because someone comes here and says they want to debate and challenge stuff (which happens every day here without necessarily announcing it first), no one is obligated to participate. Not every thread needs everyone's input. If you don't want a debate, don't post. I personally found Conchordian's post rather moving, since he was being honest with where he's at. I don't see how scolding him helps.

Sorry for the tangent. Now back to the topic...
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #15  
Old 02-23-2011, 12:05 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
A gentle suggestion? I know that RP didn't mean it this way, but it did come off somewhat like, "I'm tired of debating shit, so shut up and read!"
RP was just offering advice on where to look with specific tags to use when searching. There is a lot of info out there and she was trying to give him topic specific places to look. Conchordian is being extremely defensive and a bit antagonistic, but he did warn everyone this would be the case.

@Conchordian: RP creates some of the tags and is extremely knowledgable about where to find specific information. There are a lot of new people who come to this board and refuse to read what others have posted.
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  #16  
Old 02-23-2011, 12:10 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by conchordian View Post
redpepper:
You ruined my introduction. Are you really trying to stifle me before I've even done anything reprehensible? Or assuming I will for sure, at some point do something reprehensible? The assumption that I wouldn't read other debates or use the forum appropriately also does not make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Apologize immediately!
I am in no way apologetic for my suggestion, the thought is rather confusing actually.

What do I need to apologize about? I was trying to help. We often have peope arrive on this door step who don't know to look around and read first. If you have already read or are, then great, you're ahead of the game and I would think have lots of comments and thoughts already.

I am wondering if you are angry? Frustrated? Ready to lash out on anyone that is poly because they are to blame? Is this so? If so, that's fine, I will seperate myself from that as it is not mine to own. Please, go ahead and tell us how you feel. It might mean you can move forward with th issues at hand.
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  #17  
Old 02-23-2011, 12:24 AM
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Just for the record NYCindie, I am tired. I get sick of listening to myself. No reflection on the writer. Just the cut and paste I say so often.

The "shut up and read" part? meh, not so much. I have no investment in people reading or not. If they repeat stuff over and over sometimes new stuff comes up and I give everything a similar tag to indicate where to find it. I do like a good debate though... As I said.

I reckon my "I" statement indicated an attitude that didn't exsist for me. Welllll, that happens. Text is different than reality.

This is all irrelevant though. This is about the OP and her man... Please, continue.
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Old 02-23-2011, 12:29 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am in no way apologetic for my suggestion, the thought is rather confusing actually.

What do I need to apologize about? I was trying to help. We often have peope arrive on this door step who don't know to look around and read first. If you have already read or are, then great, you're ahead of the game and I would think have lots of comments and thoughts already.

I am wondering if you are angry? Frustrated? Ready to lash out on anyone that is poly because they are to blame? Is this so? If so, that's fine, I will seperate myself from that as it is not mine to own. Please, go ahead and tell us how you feel. It might mean you can move forward with th issues at hand.
Now I sound fucking condescending. Grrreeeeeeat. I assure you I am not intending to. This is not meant to be passive aggressive. I'm seriously wondering what is going on for you. So far we haven't heard much.
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  #19  
Old 02-23-2011, 12:41 AM
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Guys: I am so sorry. He was not being serious and redpepper you are absolutely right that his sarcasm had nothing to do with you and I didn't think your reply was condescending. He will probably be amazed that you didn't see it was completely sarcastic - but so many cues are absent to know that. Both he and I have had horrible experiences on unmoderated internet forums before - no joke, his consists of arguing about religion with other youtube users, and having people give him death threats. Mine consists of even more outrageous insanity (yes, more than death threats, I shit you not), but I can't even go into it. Suffice it to say that moderation makes a HUGE difference. This space is like no other. I am in awe of the care that the moderators put into making the forum a good space.

I started out the same way he did, by not opening up about myself and starting a debate about something I hadn't read about (converting non-polys to get dates) - but by reading and reading, and seeing how active the mods are, I realized this is a totally different group of people and space. I decided to do something I never thought or intended I would do, which was open up. At most I'd thought I'd lurk and learn.

It seemed like a good idea to have my husband make an identity here but the timing was off and he had not yet read anything on here. I told him not to be inflammatory, I told him to read the introduction instructions (which I hadn't before making my first post)... but he's really angry and hurt right now and that shows - we both use humor as a defense mechanism. He does have a negative perception of poly because of having such a hurtful introduction to it. I so wish I could go back in time and have known this about myself and been able to verbalize it years ago - or read book 1 about it. He may move the discussion elsewhere, because the ideas are quite new to him as he is processing them in the context of me being an unethical slut.

In this case I think it has derailed me getting some feedback/thoughts I might have gotten beyond Catfish's post. Anything people have to share or advise after reading our story laid out in sincerity (from only my perspective, of course) will be like gold to me. You can even criticize me, I am ready to hear it and process it.

I had a great advisor who said "you can always make a bad situation worse" - we seem to have a talent for that, but trying to change.

Thank you guys for being so accepting and THANK YOU moderators for what you are doing here. You are human, of course, but you are heroically taking on the complex task of helping others through your decision making and good judgment, and that care and effort is really valuable for the people here. Before finding this forum I was a "poor unfortunate soul".

I told him that when he is ready to open up, you guys are top drawer and will treat him with respect and kindness. He will see that the more he reads and probably open up eventually, if not today.

Last edited by sohuman; 02-23-2011 at 01:17 AM.
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  #20  
Old 02-23-2011, 01:00 AM
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Sohuman, I can understand the approach if this has been your experience. That sucks! Ya, we make every attempt to be helpful here, rather than inflametory. We are dealing with peoples heart felt, gut wrenching experiences and while sometimes its hard to talk about, its hoped that everyone does their best to empathize and remember our own journey. Not always possible as people get triggered. It happens and usually we are able to move on. Here's hoping that we get to some support for you both now!
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