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Old 06-13-2014, 02:41 AM
ticipa ticipa is offline
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Hi! I'm new to this forum. I'll try to keep this brief even though it's complicated

I've been in a mono relationship with a man (I'm a woman) for 2 1/2 years and it's going beautifully. I've never been in a poly relationship but I've known people who are. A year and a half ago we met a man through friends who we've gotten close to. I'll call him Joe. Joe and I are bisexual, and I think my partner might be as well although he hasn't come out. Last December Joe and I started talking late into the night. I asked my partner if this bothered him and he said it that it didn't. At this point Joe and I are just close friends, but I can't help thinking of expanding the relationship. I keep wanting to at least cuddle him or pinch his nipples on occasion. I sense that he is very attracted to me and possibly my partner. I think my partner is attracted to Joe. It might just be my imagination and fantasies out of control, though!

My partner has joked about the three of us having a "threesome" but he also loves awkward humor so I don't know if it meant anything.

I know I should have brought all of this up to my partner long ago, but we all come from a small Midwestern town and were all raised Catholic/Lutheran. This is a huge taboo, even though we're part of the little liberal subculture of the town. I heard from a new acquaintance that Joe and some of our other friends are part of an organization that has a large poly group. This came as a shock because this has been on my mind for a while. This does not mean that Joe or my friends are poly since they've never mentioned it, but again, look at where we're from. This is careful territory.

I'm afraid to bring this up to my partner because I don't want to change our relationship or our relationship with Joe. This is a sensitive situation, that's why I'm seeking thoughts and advice.

Thank you in advance!
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  #2  
Old 06-13-2014, 02:47 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ticipa View Post
I'm afraid to bring this up to my partner because I don't want to change our relationship or our relationship with Joe. This is a sensitive situation, that's why I'm seeking thoughts and advice.
Going From Mono to Poly is tricky for a lot of people - certainly when it concerns a relationship that is already underway (instead of going into a relationship openly discussing the topic).

No matter what though, you're going to want to have an explicit conversation about your expectations; the sooner the better. Guessing and hinting is just going to keep causing this same frustration that you're experiencing right now.
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  #3  
Old 06-13-2014, 02:58 AM
ticipa ticipa is offline
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Thank you, Marcus. I came to this forum this evening and realized that I signed up for it in 2010, while I was still single. I guess I never posted and that maybe it would have been easier while I was single to explore this type of relationship.

I can't help but sense that my partner and Joe are interested. I may just have to bite the bullet. We all consider ourselves to be "free thinkers" so my misgivings are probably unfounded. I don't normally drink but I may have to have a few beers before I can bring it up.

Even though my mono relationship is great, I'm starting to realize that my interest in a poly relationship is very important to me. Thanks for listening. It helps to type it out.

Thank you for the great links. Reading now.
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Old 06-13-2014, 03:25 AM
HelloSweety HelloSweety is offline
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I actually understand exactly where your coming from. Though my marriage has been going for 10+ years. A mutual friend of ours who I have a ton in common with, and have been attracted to since the first time I met him. I never planned on anything happening. Ever. But I "got a feeling" one night, and I asked my husband if he thought he could share me with friend. He said absolutely. So then I had to talk to friend. He said yes too!

We have been happy as clams since. It's been just over a month that I have had a husband and a boyfriend. But honestly it has been one of the best months of my life. And we are all open to and hoping that this becomes a long term thing. The open communication hasn't been an even remote issue. And after the first week I was able to keep everyone's schedule juggled. I don't think that things are perfect, but there pretty dang close. Boyfriend lives here part time right now, and were working on making that a full time arrangement. We all three complement each other perfectly.

I found its site after googling my new relationship dynamic lol. I'm beyond new.
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  #5  
Old 06-14-2014, 10:25 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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If you are afraid to change your relationship then stop this instant. I guarantee you that if you pursue this with either of them then your relationships will be irrevocably changed. These are BIG issues.
1. Poly by itself is huge and simply revealing your desire for it will likely make your husband look at you differently. The fact that you already have a potential boyfriend picked out could make him hyper paranoid whenever you choose to hang out with the guy.

2. You suspect your husband is bi? That's a pretty big suspicion for married folk. You've never discussed it? Accusing a man of being bi could put him on the defensive.

3. Assuming he is bi and game for opening your relationship and this other guy is keen to try, there is almost zero chance he will be interested in both of you.

These are all BIG hurdles. The only way to clear them is to clear the air on all of your guessing and surmising. Bringing these thoughts up with either of these WILL change the relationship for good or for bad. If you want no change then keep everything as is...a fantasy. If you you want a potential romantic/sexual relationship with this guy I would suggest you first start talking to your husband about poly. Use only hypotheticals, assume he will say no, and assume its only about YOU seeing another man. If he seems keen then talk about other relationship structures such as dating independently of each other or as a triad or even another couple. Mix up the genders on him in each relationship to see what his thoughts are on you being with another man or woman. See what his thoughts are on him being with other men or women. This will get your question answered about his sexuality answered pretty quickly. IF all of this goes well with your husband sit on it for a while and discuss and read on it. Use this forum to learn about the pitfalls (there are many unforseen ones). Read about triads and unicorn hunting, BOTH of you should feel as if this is a common interest and philosophy. Meanwhile, independent of your husband chat with the other guy on his poly thoughts. See if he has interest in it. If he does and you have done enough talking and research with hubby and you both seem on board, AND you both feel your relationship is stable loving and awesome then tell hubby about your desire to date the other guy. This is important. DON'T make it a triad. Make it YOUR relationship. The triad may come later but first take baby steps into fostering a romantic relationship with this guy separately from hubby. Later you can discuss the triad notion. But only after reading about it to death.

good luck
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Old 06-14-2014, 02:18 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Six years ago, when Hubby and I met and started dating, he told me flat out that he wanted exclusivity and monogamy (we met through a "swinger site"...) and that under no circumstances would he ever want to have sex or a relationship with another woman or would ever consider "sharing" me with another man.

Fast forward nearly five years, and Hubby told me he thought we should try an open marriage so I could explore my sexuality more fully and wouldn't feel constrained by his sexual interests, which tend toward the conservative side. He "hooked up" with another woman but quickly lost interest because he is geared more toward monogamy and sexual exclusivity. I met Guy.

And then fast forward another few months, and Hubby told me he knew I was in love with Guy and was perfectly okay with it, wanted me to pursue the relationship, and now tells me that he's happy I have two men who love me, and he's comforted to know that if anything happened to him, I would still have Guy.

It's a bit different of a situation, though, because I've never suspected Hubby and Guy of being attracted to each other and so didn't go into this expecting or even considering a full triangle, just a V.

So sometimes even when a topic is broached at the beginning of a relationship, things can vastly change over time. And if the topic hasn't been broached previously, it's never too late to bring it up, but it should be done carefully, slowly, and with plenty of time and space for consideration and negotiation, as well as for those involved to be comfortable saying "You know, I thought I'd be okay with this, but I'm really not so we need to change it again."
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  #7  
Old 06-14-2014, 05:05 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi ticipa, and welcome!

I understand how the area you live in and the upbringing you have had pose challenges when considering biting the bullet and being open! I have a hunch that you'd be perfectly fine to simply raise the topic with either/both of them relatively directly.

If you're nervous, just start start feeling it out? For instance, you could tell your partner that you love the thought of him with another man, based on his jokes about it. You don't necessarily have to mention Joe at first. If he knows that you love the idea, he may be more likely to open up if he is attracted to Joe.

Since you are in the relationship with your partner and not with Joe, I'd be inclined to say that it's him you should talk to first. If you find out that he's very open to the idea, then you could find a way to talk to Joe. From what you've said, I don't think that telling him you (both?) find him attractive would freak him out, if you get the green light from your partner. However, if you wanted to err on the side of caution, you could simply start inserting jokes like "Careful now, I'm *this* close to finding you attractive!" That's always worked like a charm for me.

Let us know how it goes?!
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  #8  
Old 06-14-2014, 05:43 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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If you are afraid to change your relationship then stop this instant. I guarantee you that if you pursue this with either of them then your relationships will be irrevocably changed. These are BIG issues.
1. Poly by itself is huge and simply revealing your desire for it will likely make your husband look at you differently. The fact that you already have a potential boyfriend picked out could make him hyper paranoid whenever you choose to hang out with the guy.

2. You suspect your husband is bi? That's a pretty big suspicion for married folk. You've never discussed it? Accusing a man of being bi could put him on the defensive.

3. Assuming he is bi and game for opening your relationship and this other guy is keen to try, there is almost zero chance he will be interested in both of you.

These are all BIG hurdles. The only way to clear them is to clear the air on all of your guessing and surmising. Bringing these thoughts up with either of these WILL change the relationship for good or for bad. If you want no change then keep everything as is...a fantasy. If you you want a potential romantic/sexual relationship with this guy I would suggest you first start talking to your husband about poly. Use only hypotheticals, assume he will say no, and assume its only about YOU seeing another man. If he seems keen then talk about other relationship structures such as dating independently of each other or as a triad or even another couple. Mix up the genders on him in each relationship to see what his thoughts are on you being with another man or woman. See what his thoughts are on him being with other men or women. This will get your question answered about his sexuality answered pretty quickly. IF all of this goes well with your husband sit on it for a while and discuss and read on it. Use this forum to learn about the pitfalls (there are many unforseen ones). Read about triads and unicorn hunting, BOTH of you should feel as if this is a common interest and philosophy. Meanwhile, independent of your husband chat with the other guy on his poly thoughts. See if he has interest in it. If he does and you have done enough talking and research with hubby and you both seem on board, AND you both feel your relationship is stable loving and awesome then tell hubby about your desire to date the other guy. This is important. DON'T make it a triad. Make it YOUR relationship. The triad may come later but first take baby steps into fostering a romantic relationship with this guy separately from hubby. Later you can discuss the triad notion. But only after reading about it to death.

good luck


Graviton has said this perfectly. You really need to tread slowly here and make sure this is a NEED for you and not just something you are thinking about.
You will hear some success stories here. Those that it turned into a disaster for a not posting about it.
If you do not do this right, your dynamic with your husband can change dramatically. There is a lot of talk about accountability and acceptance of consequences. Just make sure you are ready for those if you decide to proceed and think them through beforehand.
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