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  #31  
Old 06-16-2014, 01:45 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I said I would ask the person to move out. Friend, co-primary, family member, or anyone. Our homes are supposed to be that one sanctuary and place of peace. If Jesus himself was disrespecting my house and my peace, he would have to step his arse outside of that 450 kg door.

The OP's metamour cannot just go through life treating people any kind of way and not expect some type of reaction or consequence. Yes, there are two sides to every story, but the stress of parenting, cramped quarters, etc. or not, that is still no way treat people. Her anger needs to be addressed. It sounds like they were getting on well, and the tide changed. Scaring people I love and emotionally scarring them does not translate to healthy to me, which is why I suggested they ask her to leave. It has nothing to do with her being a co-primary or mother of his child. Who wants to live in a state of constant tension and worry over when the next flash out will happen? It has been an ongoing and recurring problem. Time for a change. If it sounds better and makes things equal, if the OP likes, she can move out. I never said put her out of the street, but they can help her find a flat or house nearby. If it is unhealthy for the other adults, imagine what it can do to those boys. If the metamour has an issue with the OP, address it. If she does not like sharing the home and is bloody miserable, move out instead of acting out.

Perhaps they need time apart to work on their issues. Maybe they simply cannot share a home and need separate domiciles. That is not uncommon. The OP, her husband, and her metamour cannot keep going through the same cycles, though. At some point, it has to end. Judging by what the OP has said, it is not working with the way they are doing things. I will not speak on mental illness because I have no idea if she has met the criterion or exhibited any of the signs. Nonetheless something is going on, causing tension and fits of anger directed at the OP and her husband, and if they have not worked this out in a year's time, maybe they need to try another solution--even temporarily.

OP, poly-friendly therapists are out there, but depending upon where you live, they can be a challenge to find. Find a therapist who is understanding and accommodating. He/she might not specifically be poly or alternative friendly, but that does mean they will not be able to help you all.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-16-2014 at 01:54 PM.
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  #32  
Old 06-16-2014, 01:58 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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She is not a piece of trash, talk about couple privilege! What about them all getting together to discuss the best way to deal with the situation than legal wife telling her to move out. How would you like it if you were having a row with your husband and he came to you and told you that he thinks you should move out?

Move your ass out!!!

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  #33  
Old 06-16-2014, 03:46 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am not sure why my response riled you up so much. I said "personally" meaning how I would handle it if this was happening in my home. I never advised the OP to kick her to the curb or issue an ultimatum. I would tell ANYONE from my mum to my children to my grandparents to get the hell out if they were inflicting pain and making home an unhappy place. I do not discriminate. That only applies to me and how I would handle it. That is no reflection on the OP.

I am not seeing couple privilege. Take the relationship aspect out of it. What if they were just roommates who were trying to share a home to co-parent the two children? Would it still be acceptable for the metamour turned roomie to make the other people in the home uncomfortable and uneasy? Would it still be okay for her to direct anger at either of them because of her feelings? At what point, do you say enough is enough?

Relationships aside, the metamour's treatment of the other people in the home is the problem. She does not reserve the right to inflict hurt and pain on other people in the home at her discretion. It is not just her home. She is not the only one dealing with cramped quarters, stress, parenting of a small child, needs not being met, or whatever the case is. All those excuses do not make it okay for her act like that and treat people any kind of way. She needs to find the root of her issues and address them. Either in therapy or self-introspection. Lashing out is not doing anything but making a terse situation even more unbearable.

What would I do? My husband would not ask me to leave. He would leave. I was the source of the problem, and he removed himself from the situation. He did it last year. It was more than a simple row and disturbance.

I suggested they try therapy, too. Maybe their communication is not up to par and if they are having conversations, they are not effective or productive. OP, have the three of you sat down and tried to talk or come up with solutions together? Whose idea was the renovation of the garage, or did the three of you agree on it in discussion?

It would not just be the "legal wife" asking her to the leave, if she was to do it. The OP's words:

Quote:
He wants to avoid her moving out at all costs, but on the other hand, when she's been acting crazy he's told her several times that if she keeps it up she has to go.
Do you consider that couple privilege, too?

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-16-2014 at 03:56 PM.
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  #34  
Old 06-16-2014, 08:37 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Whoever is acting out-leaves.
That's how we handled it.
Two different occasions, my husband moved out for 6-12 months while he worked on his own shit. Because his behavior towards the rest of us was caustic-on account of his unhappiness with my boyfriend living with us.

It isn't necessarily couple privilege if two people ask a third person to leave regardless of which two it is.

The key is-who is the person who is acting inappropriately.

Mind you-it sounds like the issue goes far beyond the behavior of the metamour or polyamory.
With adult children living in one section of the house "who may never leave" it sounds like there may be a serious issue in creating and honoring healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundary setting and maintaining is critical for healthy relationships-not just romantic relationships, any relationship.

FYI-home school is fucking hard work and for two people to do it together absolutely requires that they work well as a team, like a well oiled machine.
Having done it myself for the last... almost 15 years, I would NOT NOT NOT advise adding that into the mix without resolving the problems you are having.
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  #35  
Old 06-16-2014, 10:10 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Firstly, this woman has not been diagnosed with any mental illness, someone presuming that is what she has because his father is a psychologist is NOT an accurate diagnosis, you lot DO know that right? My father is a tailor, doesn't mean you should ask me to make you a suit!

Also to the person suggesting that they ask her to move out, what the heck? Why should she move out? They both have the husbands kids, that is her home too, how could you suggest they chuck her out of her home with her young child because these women can't seem to get along, really? Instead of these women who appear to be co primaries (yet the OP is too resentful to call her that) being advised to work out their problems, you would suggest this 'interloper' get kicked to the curb because...what? She is not the wife right? So it is ok to throw her and her son out.

Sickening.
I think people are suggesting she be the one to move because she is there on a trial basis. Its clearly not working out thus trial over time to leave.
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  #36  
Old 06-17-2014, 05:30 AM
london london is offline
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What about the fact that it's the husband's home too and that other kid people are suggesting moves out is his son that he may want to live with?

Yes, this was a trial basis, but she got pregnant and everything changed. I think the Op is the only one who doesn't realise this.
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  #37  
Old 06-18-2014, 08:43 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi Rachelina,

What I'm hearing is that something needs to change, but you are all hesitant to make these major changes.

I sincerely hope you use the links that Kevin provided to find yourselves a poly friendly therapist. This will be absolutely essential if you are all going to remain under one roof.

It's good to hear that there may be other living options in the future, including your in-law apartment and the floor inhabited by your husband's teenagers. I hope that in the meantime, the garage conversion helps matters.

Essentially, what it comes down to is this: if you (any/all of you) aren't willing to move further out of town, or have less space, or move the teenagers off the floor they are taking up, or move your tenant out (understandable and kind), you are committing to living together and working it out. This means self-work, forgiveness, acceptance and communication. This means teamwork. Ideally, this means going to therapy too.

However, we all have our limits. Just because something is thrust upon us, doesn't mean we are forced to stay in that situation. Conversely, it also doesn't mean that we have to resist that situation forever just because it was unplanned. The limits lie within ourselves.

My suggestion is that you turn your attention inwards, not outwards. Peace comes from within. Look at what you can do differently. You could start working on forgiveness. You could start opening more gentle and constructive lines of communication with her. Sit down and say "I really want to make this work. I appreciate XYZ about you. Would you like to talk with me about what went wrong, and whether you'd like to fix this?" You could start accepting that you really aren't ever going to be happy like this and accepting that you may need to leave for a while, or insist that she leaves and see how that goes down. You could decide that her behaviour, regardless of yours, is not something you want to deal with any more. You could express that and offer that either she moves out, or you will.

I hear you that acceptance is hard. It is. It's especially hard when it involves losing something (in your case, monogamy). It's too easy to remain in the denial/anger stage. You are actually grieving monogamy, so why not look up the stages of grief? Research how to move past grief, as if you were grieving a person.

With her, it's time to at least try to bury the hatchet and productively work together. Look up non-violent communication. Look up fair fighting. There's a website called Angries Out that has a great section on resentment, blame, and all the other crap we tend to throw at people. I'll see if I can find it for you and link it here.

In terms of your Buddhism... haha. Well, you are accepting being the world's worst Buddhist Why not spend more time reading and following what you find there? Find quotes that inspire you and turn to them when you are feeling angry.

It is easy to blame others for our situation. It is also easy to feel that we don't have a choice. Change what you can change within yourself: your perspective, or your boundaries. If the others will work with you, you might all get somewhere together. If the others won't work with you, you will have to make your own way. But either way, it's time take control of making your own changes.

(edit) Ok, here are the links:
http://www.angriesout.com/rage.htm
http://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm
http://www.angriesout.com/index.htm#couples
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Last edited by sparklepop; 06-18-2014 at 08:51 AM.
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  #38  
Old 06-18-2014, 02:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
What's happened since then is this: I got pregnant in 2011. She moved in 3 months before I had my baby. I had agreed to this on a trial basis, but she immediately got pregnant, thus making the situation permanent rather than experimental. I felt betrayed, but nevertheless things were pretty good for the first year and a half, and she and I were good friends.

Quote:
Well, I do feel that it was forced in a way, because I agreed to her moving in on a trial basis, but then there was no trial period because she got pregnant right away. But that's in the past and I need to get over it. I
How about owning it instead of glossing it over? If you and husband have not healed from this betrayal, I don't see how remodels and redecorating is going to fix it. The problems of space and the meta maybe having borderline just compound the issues.

Here's the bottom line from your original post as I see it:
  • We hate each other.
  • I had agreed to this on a trial basis, but she immediately got pregnant, thus making the situation permanent rather than experimental. I felt betrayed.
  • Space is an issue.
  • She may have borderline personality disorder
  • Her behavior when she's in a bad mood is scary and borderline psychotic.
  • There is no sense of trust or safety between the two of us or in the home.
  • I'm not comfortable in my home while she's in it.
  • The tension in our house is unlivable.
  • I'm in chronic emotional pain.
  • Something has to change.

Quote:
What can I do? Is there hope for us? How do I go about getting along with someone who has been so hateful to me and who I don't trust? And failing that, how do I make peace with the situation?
You could move out. Have you considered what that would take?

There are some things you cannot "make peace with" and it's easier to accept that part. Then make plans that allow you to move on and heal.

You are not dating a borderline -- he is. You are in charge of your willingness to participate and at any time you are allowed to withdraw and not longer participate in this polyship.

I don't think there's easy answers here, but you moving out with your kid would solve a lot of that bullet list!

Galagirl
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