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Old 06-17-2014, 01:15 AM
oyeoyvei oyeoyvei is offline
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Default how to approach my partner about poly

Howdy, y'all!

I've been prowling around this forum for the last few weeks and have yet to find discussions on my particular perplexion, so here goes.

I have a long term partner (J). We are monogamous life-partners, or at least partners for the indefinite future. Recently, I developed romantic feelings towards my partner's childhood best friend (N), who is also a good friend of mine, though our relationship does not have the same level of longevity and intimacy that J and N's has.

I think my feelings for N are the real deal. I don't know what the chances of us developing a relationship as hot-n-heavy as J and mine's is, but we're both attracted to each other and love each other as friends. I think there IS a good shot of the three of us developing a much more intimate relationship and gaining lots of love and good sex if I approach this correctly.

N and I are currently developing our friendship by hanging out without J (usually, all three of us go out on various excursions). I plan to continue this for the next few months at least, to get a better feel on our compatibility. I won't proposition him until things have been clarified with J.

So here's where I need y'all's help. J and I talked about open relationships (that was our terminology at the time) when we first started sleeping together. However, we quickly became enamored with each other and the idea of other partners fell of the radar. Neither of us have experience in poly relationships. I am worried that the combination of "I want to fuck/be intimate with/fall in love with other people" and "actually, I want to fuck your best friend" is just going to be too much when our last conversation about this was a year and a half ago. As I see it, I have two options: lay everything out on the table right now, or bring up poly relationships without disclosing my specific affections--i.e., test the waters before jumping in. The former would allow me to be completely honest, whereas the latter requires that I be dishonest to an extent. I'm no good at keeping secrets; it's been torture to not be able to tell my partner every single thought that pops into my head. But of course, I don't want to rush anybody into anything or create animosity.

I need to make sure that J is completely secure in his understanding of my love and dedication to him. Right now, I feel like that means being completely honest. Yet my abrupt honesty could be the trigger for insecurity!

So, advice? Similar situations? Muchas gracias in advance!
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Old 06-17-2014, 09:06 AM
Tiberius Tiberius is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 99

I'm in a similar situation, actually, with my partner and her best friend.

I'd suggest that you bring up the topic of polyamory again and get J used to it and the fact that you're poly. Then once she's comfortable with that, bring up how you and N are starting to really get on well, much better than you were before.
I'm an expert at sexual innuendo. I could keep it up all night.
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Old 06-17-2014, 10:23 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Welcome oyeoyvei!

Ooh heck. Well, aren't you in a pickle?

Usually, when it comes to 'having the poly talk', I just suggest forgetting about the fear, biting the bullet and getting it out there.

This is a bit more tricky.

It is not uncommon for poly people to have (written or unwritten) rules about not dating each other's close friends. You have to be very careful here. Even if these things start well, you can end up in a situation where one person feels gradually, increasingly 'forgotten' by both their best friend and life partner, which can be extremely painful. Strong friendships and relationships can be seriously rocked or even destroyed when the lines become mixed.

However, this is going to depend on your specific situation and the people involved! Some poly people have absolutely no problem with their partner dating their best friends, or in fact even encourage this.

The fact that you've talked about open relationships before is a positive sign! Yes, I would just open up the dialogue again. For all you know, J could have picked up on the attraction between you and N and the conversation might head there anyway.

But if it was me, I'd probably start out by talking about poly as a single subject. If this goes well and you move on to discussing some guidelines, you could bring up the concept of dating each other's friends. If this goes well, of course you'll have to be honest about your interest in N. I'd take it one step at a time though. If you blurt it all out now, and N hates the idea of opening up, it might create a real problem. If N does hate the idea, you'd then have to ask yourself whether you're happy to be mono and whether you are able to leave the attraction with N as it is.

Let us know how you get on! Good luck!
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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Old 06-18-2014, 01:59 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,815

Do you believe that you could share openly and honestly with your current partner and have those "bare naked heart and soul" conversations? If so, how is keeping this hidden you sharing openly and honestly? Giving partner opportunity to step up to the plate? Are you doing your part to create and sustain mental/emotional/spiritual intimacy with this partner when you hold back on the current state of your thoughts/feelings?

I go with honesty. It's a lot easier on me, and I prefer my partner know my authentic self from the get go. Why would I hide that? I also don't want to be with a partner who falls apart over every little thing. I'm not up for that. I rather get that out of the way early in the dating. I don't want to be with any "fair weather fliers" -- I want to be with someone more "sturdy" than that when it comes to taking Life as it comes.

I currently have friend-crushes, DH knows about them all. I'm not seeking to deepen anything at this point in time, but if I did, I could just say "hey, so I'm thinking about going deeper here with X. Thoughts?" Then I don't have to start from ground zero, and he's not having to take huge leaps to catch up. If he's long been used to me crushing on X, moving to the next step isn't ground zero for him either. He's had time to mentally adjust. YKWIM?

I'd just tell him you have a friend-crush on N. Be honest. Nobody says you have to DO anything about a crush. One can just enjoy them.

But if you are trying to relate intimately with your current partner by sharing authentic you with heart-to-heart or soul-to-soul talk? And your partner just wigs out not wanting to know all of you?

Best you know NOW, right?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-18-2014 at 02:12 AM.
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Old 06-18-2014, 06:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by oyeoyvei View Post
I think there IS a good shot of the three of us developing a much more intimate relationship . . .
Why is this the goal? You do know that all three of you need not be intimately involved for this situation to be poly, right?

Originally Posted by oyeoyvei View Post
I need to make sure that J is completely secure in his understanding of my love and dedication to him. Right now, I feel like that means being completely honest. Yet my abrupt honesty could be the trigger for insecurity!
No one has any control over how secure or insecure a loved one feels about a relationship, themselves, or anything. All you can do is what you feel is the right thing, as kindly and compassionately as possible. How your actions or communications are received is out of your hands.
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