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Old 06-29-2014, 09:31 PM
jdawg jdawg is offline
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Default why so jealous?

I don't understand why my partner is so jealous of my time with the other member of our triad. Any advice on how to handle this?

Some details... Both of my partners are female, I am male. The reason they both give me for the jealousy is that it's a 'girl thing'. I just want to love them and make them happy, and one just seems to want to compete with the other a lot. I don't know if it's because we were together first or whether it really is just a girl thing and I definitely don't know what to do about it or how to help. Me and the other partner are bending over backwards for the first one, but it's like we're put in a position where we end up sneaking around just to tell each other 'I love you' PR anything. She says she's working on it, but how long do we need to wait? I'm afraid that the resentment her jealousy is causing is going to destroy everything. Please helpe figure it out!
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Old 06-29-2014, 11:51 PM
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graviton graviton is offline
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So many questions need to be answered before you can be helped. Is this truly a triad? Are all three of you romantically and sexually involved with one another? Or is it that this relationship is a vee? That is, you have a separate relationship with each of the women but the women are not involved with one another? Does the other woman live with you? Is your first partner being pushed into this against her will or did she joyfully sign up for this? Is your first partner allowed to see other men? Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if your partner had another man that you had to share her with in close proximity? If the thought of that thrills you and leaves you with no jealousy then I understand why you would be puzzled about her jealousy. However if the thought of her being with another man in front of you fills you with rage or jealousy maybe you are beginning to understand where hers is coming from. Would you mind if I come over and romance both of these women in front of you? If so maybe you are beginning to understand that this is not just a "girl thing" but a human thing. Answer the questions I have asked and help will be forthcoming.

Another thing that could possibly help is if you could get your first partner on here to give her side of the story. Nothing we tell you will really help the situation unless we know precisely what is going on in her head and she is open to being helped. As an external entity you are incapable of making her okay with the situation, it all has to be internal work. A lot of the internal work can be reinforced by meeting her needs being compassionate and moving very slowly at whatever pace she needs.

Last edited by graviton; 06-30-2014 at 12:02 AM.
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Old 06-30-2014, 12:02 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi jdawg,

Do the women spend much time together, shopping, getting their nails done, girl's night out together, or whatnot? If they do, that might help reduce the competition factor between them.

Some people can't cope very well with actually seeing their partner being lovey-dovey with someone else. I'm in an MFM hinge and my metamour (Brother-Husband) doesn't cope very well with seeing me and Snowbunny (our hinge) being lovey-dovey. So, Snowbunny and I "pretend" like we're just platonic friends when we're around him. I know it sounds weird, but it seems to work for us. We've all three been together since 2006, and we're doing fine.

Every poly unit is as unique as the individuals in it, everyone has their quirks and what works for one polycule doesn't work for another. I mean how does the other (non-jealous) lady feel about the jealousy? Maybe she doesn't mind waiting while the (jealous) lady gets her feelings figured out.

I wouldn't necessarily panic, this jealousy may just be a phase and even if it isn't, you and the other lady may get used to working around it. Sometimes that's not all bad.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
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Old 06-30-2014, 12:06 AM
jdawg jdawg is offline
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Romantically and sexually? Sort of. I'm romantic with both, but sexually have only been with the first. They were romantic and sexual, but now things aren't that way anymore due to the jealousy.
I always thought of it as a triad, as I love them both, and sex is not that big a deal to me anyway.
Would I be cool with someone else romancing them in front of me? If they were a complete stranger then no. If we all knew each other well then I wouldn't mind.
We do all live together.
Let's say it is a human thing. What can I/we do to make it better?
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Old 06-30-2014, 12:15 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Jealousy is a reaction to the fear of losing something/someone. It's ridiculous and immature of her to blame her emotional reaction on her biology instead of owning up to what she is feeling. A "girl thing" - gah! The term makes me nauseous. Feeling jealous has nothing to do with being a woman (or a girl, if she sees herself as one). Egad, don't buy that lame excuse.
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Old 06-30-2014, 12:31 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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It's not a "girl thing." It's an insecure girl thing.
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Old 06-30-2014, 03:18 AM
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I don't know if it helps, but I have a list of websites you can look at to address the problem of jealousy (and insecurity):

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Maybe the jealous lady in your triad could look at some of those?

Beyond that, we'd need to know why she feels the way she does. What's she afraid of? If we knew that, we might know what could be said or done that might help.
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Old 06-30-2014, 03:22 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Got to agree, the "it's a girl thing" is lame. I just read a post from a woman whose bf is quite jealous. He's not a girl.
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  #9  
Old 06-30-2014, 05:33 AM
KerryRen KerryRen is offline
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Jealousy can derive from insecurity. Insecurity can come from a lot of sources, but mostly some kind of fear. It's definitely not a "girl thing". I don't even think it's a "people thing", exclusively -- I've had cats exhibit jealous behavior over relationships I've been in.

Finding the source of insecurity can help, but it isn't always easy to get to. Once identified, though, it may be easier to address.

My husband has expressed concern about losing me to Jai; that is the source of his jealousy. I've endeavored to reassure him on that count.

At times, I find I am jealous of Jai's friends, with whom it sometimes feels he's more involved with. That comes, I think, from the long time when we had essentially no contact -- a fear that circumstances could cause it to happen again. His behavior, in maintaining contact when when at some distance, is helping calm that fear down.

Perhaps one of your lovers is feeling competitive because her needs aren't being met adequately, creating insecurity. And I don't mean purely sexually, though that may be a factor.

Ultimately, of course, her feelings are hers, and not something you can do something about. But you might ask, and talk, and see if there is something you can do -- or not do -- that might address some level of her insecurity.
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Old 06-30-2014, 06:03 AM
MightyMax MightyMax is offline
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It sounds like they believe that people in polyamorous relationships stay in them despite having mono normative fears and insecurities. I've met many people who think that we are constantly plagued with these "normal" feelings and polyamory is about tolerating/ignoring them. But then many people think it's normal to resent and push away anyone that your partner has any affection for. I've even heard people suggest it's a biological urge we have and those who don't have it are not quite right.
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