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  #81  
Old 07-04-2011, 12:29 PM
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Default Silliness

Mum is worried about my logistics lately. Just the other day, she made A Serious Proposal;

"What if you stayed at home during week nights and only spent the weekend with those people of yours, one night with Vanilla and one night with the Sweets? I mean, even you can't need THAT much sex all the time."

Mum, you crack me up.

(I did note that sex was a very small slice of our time together, which otherwise is pretty consumed by kids and the telly.)

I had to help mum move during the Pride weekend , but Vanilla was sweet enough to bring back a badge for me. It is my favourite colour of all time (pink) with the words "Happily Poly" on it. I love it!
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  #82  
Old 07-07-2011, 08:28 AM
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Default The New Girl

So we are getting ready to tuck ourselves in with Vanilla, and she's on her laptop, and suddenly goes, "Wow, come look at this". So I go, and she's on OKC, and viewing the profile of my unofficial online crush that has lasted for a full year. Lo and behold! my crush is looking for some female company, on a FWB/NSA basis.

"I know her!" I go, "I've been dying to get it on with her! How did you find her?". Vanilla explains that OKC alerts her when there are new high matches on her area, and is gritting her teeth because her profile isn't really up-to-date and was created mainly for stalking-purposes. "I'll message her!" I go, and so I do, and we have a date coming up next week.

So last night, Vanilla says, again as we are going to bed, how she sometimes gets upset and obsessed over the smallest little details and for no reason whatsoever. I ask what's bothering her. "Well, the thing is - I found her, I thought she was really interesting, and I wanted to get to know her. And all of a sudden you have a date coming up with her!".

I had unwittingly broken the number one rule of open relationship online dating; that of "Finders keepers!". Vanilla said it was stupid because she probably wouldn't have the energy to message her anyway, but I said I'll help her update her profile and send the New Girl a nice message. There is still the potential for jealousy if she is only interested in one of us, but I think that's a risk worth taking.

I wonder if part of it is that I seemingly click with tons of people and she is somewhat shy and needs prodding to get out there and meet new people. She said that she is worried if I start crushing massively on this New Girl, because five ongoing relationships for one person just sounds too much. I said that's unlikely to happen, if both agree to keep things casual and friendly. Vanilla however never has been able to control her emotions like that.

I assured her that she is my primary and I'd never do anything to endanger my relationship with her. I have exactly one night per week unspoken for and I am not going to bulge on the time I've committed to spend with the Sweets and Vanilla to make way for any new relationship. Although Moonlight already told me that he feels secure enough in our relationship that if I fall for this new girl he can totally see me less often, once in two weeks or so, in order for me to have time for both NRE with the new girl and reassuring couple's time with Vanilla, because he is sweet like that. It felt good to hear although I am not going to start seeing them less often and I don't even know if there is any chemistry between me and the new girl.

I hope I can one day be as good and giving in being a metamour as ML and Windy already are.
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  #83  
Old 07-13-2011, 01:14 PM
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Default Cause the kids are alright

I was initially very hesitant about becoming involved with a couple with children. Now, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I've tried not to write so much about the kids, to respect their privacy and all. But right now I can't just help myself.

Cupcake, son to Moonlight and Windy, is almost four and a real darling. I was resting my back the other day in the bedroom and he came in, carrying my water bottle and mobile. "I brought you water if you're thirsty and also your phone. I'll put it here next to the bed so you can answer if somebody calls". Guess kids are good at picking up which things adults hold most precious, carrying them from room to room . He also insists on having a water bottle of his own and wants to take pictures of his feet with my phone .

On the same day he suggested to Moonlight that they should go out "to give Mum and Blackie some peace and quiet" . The boy sure loves his outings.

While I was quoting something with the line "But I really do love you", he answered, not understanding the context, with a swift "I love you too. Cupcake is your friend too". I nearly cried . He has asked me when can he visit the place I share with Flattie. That is something I have really wanted to do for a while now, it's just that I would like to wait till he is old enough to spend a few hours apart from his parents - maybe next autumn?

He always asks me if I am going to be there in the morning when he wakes up. And the last time I told "No, I will go to stay at Vanilla's place", he went "I want you to live here with us". I tried to very carefully explain that I can't now, but maybe in a few years I will at least live close by. Another reminder of how children's hearts and lives are not something to be trifled with. I truly believe that if you involve yourself with them, you get involved for good.

In a way, I love the Sweets children even more intensely than their parents. There is none of the insecurity and second-guessing; kids simply pick up your heart and carry it around in their pockets, like they do with all their valuable things.
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Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 07-13-2011 at 01:16 PM.
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  #84  
Old 07-26-2011, 08:26 AM
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Default Fuck this shit

So I bet you can usually tell when a relationship is ending or at least taking a new shape by the smell of things getting stale. No spontaneous displays of affection, or it's all one-sided; little to no contact-seeking, either face-to-face or electronic; no sex to speak of; little to no evident interest in getting together one-on-one. So it's all there to see but you make yourself believe it's alright, just a phase, things are just progressing slowly blah blah. Fuck that shit. She's just not that into you.

And having my new and shiny triad turn into a vee in what - two months or less? - sucks royally. Somehow, no matter how much I believed I could make the exception to the rule of "the vast majority of new FMF triads turn into vees with the male as the hinge", I've become just another poly statistic. Fuck that shit.

Evidently, the population of bipoly women interested in triads is so small that the chances of finding someone to click with on a triad basis are miniscule. I wonder if there was so much expectation of things working out between me and Windy so we could all achieve the Perfect Poly Dream (TM) that she wanted to feel good about me, and that just didn't come naturally. And that's why things just increased in awkwardness. Note to self; when something feels weird, chances are it is.

It feels petty to bitch and moan about the loss of one relationship (or nonship, false starter, whattheever) when you have two healthy loving relationships already. But people are not interchangeable.

God strike me dead if I ever, however briefly, entertain the idea of dating another couple ever again. Better to get burned early and badly enough to stay the hell away. Fuckfuckfucketyfuck.

Okay, phew. A good rant. Now I want to get couple days off, spend some quality time with Vanilla during the weekend, have a nice date with the New Girl on Friday, talk to Flattie. Mum promised to give me some heart-ache therapy today, which will most likely involve television and massive amounts of chocolate.

Oh yes, almost forgot; Flattie's changing towns, and we are moving in together with Vanilla . Hooray!
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  #85  
Old 07-26-2011, 09:37 AM
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Sorry to hear about the break-up. It's pretty obvious that the hurt is no less because you still have other partners, that's like assuming a friendship ending wouldn't hurt if you still have other friends.

Hopefully chocolate helps (it usually does). And good luck with living together with Vanilla, that's got to be exiting.
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  #86  
Old 07-26-2011, 12:11 PM
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And good luck with living together with Vanilla, that's got to be exiting.
It is! The first time I've lived with a romantic partner ever.

The only potential problem right now is that I fear for our sex life. Or, I need to commit to making it happen even when we are living together and the opportunity is almost always there. Vanilla has started a new prescription of painkillers that are affecting her libido, making her not exactly sluggish but not her usual self either. They are definitely affecting her ability to orgasm .

She's having a date tonight with a girl she met at a bar. They made out quite heavily and I left for Vanilla's place alone, fully expecting to spend the night with her cat, just the two of us. This girl's friend was so heavily intoxicated that she had to be taken home and Vanilla followed me only an hour after, interrupting our blissful slumber with Cat.

So there was an opportunity and interest, but now she was wondering whether she should just focus on conserving her energy for me, Moonlight and a long-time FWB of hers. Of course I'll not be complaining if it means more good coming my way and if it feels right for her, but I wonder whether the meds are taking something away from who she essentially is. On the other hand, this is something she has been pondering for a long time. She's effectively dropped one FB already, and sees very little of her ex-Dom. There is a friend of hers she wishes to establish more regular play relations with, but fears she just doesn't have the energy it requires .
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  #87  
Old 07-26-2011, 01:26 PM
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Bummer on the relationship, doll. :-/ Of course it hurts and sometimes I think it can be so hard to make a relationship work with one person, how much more difficult when it's two?

Neat on the living arrangements.

As to the pain meds... I went through a period of time a few years ago where I was having health issues. Not pain, but my endocrine system had a crash, and I had no energy at all. It was all I could do to go to work and come home. :-( It did affect my sex drive, but I still enjoyed it-- as long as hubs initiated, cuz I was usually too tired!

It can be tough to deal with, but talking about it helped me. I needed him to know it wasn't him, and that I was working on getting better and that it was temporary. Also, for him to know that just because I wasn't initiating it, didn't mean I didn't mentally WANT it and enjoy it. At that point I was having trouble initiating a shower, let alone anything that took more energy!!

Has she spoken to her doctor about how the meds are affecting her sex drive? With all medications sometimes you need to juggle them to find the one that works with the least amount of side effects. There may be another one suitable that doesn't have the sexual side effects (although the pain itself can affect libido for sure, it's the difficulty with orgasming that maybe could be eliminated).

Just some thoughts...
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  #88  
Old 07-27-2011, 11:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
...sometimes I think it can be so hard to make a relationship work with one person, how much more difficult when it's two?
My Mum's words exactly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
...It did affect my sex drive, but I still enjoyed it-- as long as hubs initiated, cuz I was usually too tired!

Also, for him to know that just because I wasn't initiating it, didn't mean I didn't mentally WANT it and enjoy it. At that point I was having trouble initiating a shower, let alone anything that took more energy!!
This is so important to hear, because I don't mind the initiating, it's the nagging fear that my initiatives might not be welcome that's holding me back right now, although I've been assured that if she's really not in the mood (i.e. so tired she is about to pass out/in considerable pain), she will say so.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
...Has she spoken to her doctor about how the meds are affecting her sex drive?
No, that's a good idea, thanks!

Recently I've pondered what exactly constitutes a relationship for me. I have a relationship of some sort with every person I know, but exactly how can I tell if I'm IN a relationship with someone?

I've come up with the following three criteria:

1) I meet them at regular intervals
2) There are mutually acknowledged loving feelings
3) Sex happens regularly

A relationship can have 1 and 3, or just 2 or 1, but all three need to be there for me to consider it a relationship I am in, on a girlfriend/partner basis.

This has a vague bearing on something I've been thinking a lot in connection to polyamory; the dichotomy between organic and structured relationships.

In structured relationships, to oversimplify a complicated issue, form comes before content. Examples of people seeking structured relationships could be a couple looking for another couple to swing with, a couple looking for an unicorn of their own, a single person looking to join an existing couple or form a triad family with two other singles, married people looking for a secondary, subs looking for Dom/mes, Dom/mes for subs, would-be-polygynous folks looking for a second wife/husband, bisexual women in an OPP relationship looking for NSA sex with other women etc. The list goes on and on with every imaginable variation of non-monogamy. The point is that people decide beforehand what kind of non-monogamous relationship they are looking for before they actually are in a relationship with more than one person. I think the classic example and the ultimate poly fantasy many have in mind is a poly-fi live-in FMF triad.

An organic relationship places content before form. People who prefer organic non-monogamy tend to focus on allowing a new connection to become whatever it will be. They may actively dislike labels like "primary/secondary" or in fact shy away from labelling themselves as polyamorous alltogether. They place value on connections with people and want to keep the people they've connected with in their lives in whatever capacity possible - even if an originally romantic attachment turns into a more platonic one or an NSA becomes a full-blown romantic relationship.

There are pros and cons to each. Having a clear structure in mind makes it easier to attract only people who are interested in a similar arrangement. However, the downside is that human emotions defy structure, and it may be hard to keep to the agreed-upon boundaries when feelings deepen and change. An organic approach probably ensures higher success rates in attracting possible mates, but may lead into people hanging on to unworkable and draining relationships if they are too reluctant to let anyone go, even if their partners have wildly different desires and expectations of their relationship.

I started out with a structured approach but have grown increasingly wary of it. It would be great to be able to compartmentalize your love life and have specific need slots that will be neatly filled with particular type of people and relationships. Bisexuals could have boy and girls slots, switches sub and dom slots, there would be slots for tertiaries, secondaries and primaries, one slot for family-building, another for rough sex, a third one for romantic thrills...

Ultimately, I want most things because I want them, not because I need them. Relationships most certainly fall within the first category.
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  #89  
Old 07-27-2011, 12:42 PM
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I would now make a point about oversimplifying, but you already did it yourself.

I don't think I really fit into either category. I guess the first one is further away for me, since I don't put much emphasis on structure, as long as the people involved are compatible (to the extent necessary, romantic relationships obviously require more aspects than metamours).

But I'm not sure I fit the organic approach very neatly, either. I wouldn't say that I want to force a relationship into something, but I'm definitely not unattached to the outcome, either. I don't know if I'm well suited for any kind of "lighter" romantic relationships. At least thus far it has tended to be my experience that when I'm in I'm all in. You know, planning for marriage and that stuff... I feel that I don't really wish to start a relationship unless I can be all in. But, never say never, might be that at some point somebody comes along who will change that tendency, and with whom a more casual relationship feels right.
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Old 07-28-2011, 08:57 AM
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I don't know if I'm well suited for any kind of "lighter" romantic relationships. At least thus far it has tended to be my experience that when I'm in I'm all in. You know, planning for marriage and that stuff... I feel that I don't really wish to start a relationship unless I can be all in. But, never say never, might be that at some point somebody comes along who will change that tendency, and with whom a more casual relationship feels right.
We actually had a discussion about that with Vanilla last night. Lately we've been talking a lot, since we watch less tv (I'm too tired) and have less sex (she's too tired) than we used to .

She pondered that she might not really be a very good poly at all - like when she is with me, she does not feel the need for any other romantic relationships. Not that she would be opposed to one coming along, but as long as she gets her semi-regular doses of penis (I can't believe I wrote that, but there) and gets to play occasionally at parties, she is fulfilled. So for her, the relationship is more open than poly atm.

Which is cool by me, as long as I'm not holding her back from anything she wants to do. On the other hand, maybe I should just let her be a grown-up and make her own decisions regarding which things/people to prioritize in her life .
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