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  #31  
Old 03-21-2011, 11:43 PM
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Default I agree

I (Kris) agree, just because it didn't start as an equal relationship, does not mean that it can not grow into one.

We started the same, as just looking for a sexual partner, but we found the relationship that developed was MUCH more rewarding & filled a part of us we didn't know was missing.

the main key is Talking & Honesty, tell it like it is & don't hide anything.
Everyone's feelings are important!

-- Posted by Kris
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  #32  
Old 03-31-2011, 12:50 PM
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Default Ooh, so much love!

Seriously, thank you everyone! If this flu shall not be the death of me, I have received so much warm-hearted and totally valid advice I can keep on another decade of poly with this!

Not been posting for a while since wasn't sure exactly how to formulate. But yeah, my second polyship is now over. His call, not mine. And what did we learn?

1) Orgasms are just that - orgasms. They do not great sex make. What makes sex great again?
2) Enthusiasm. Without enthusiasm over your partner and that 'OMG we're having sex this is SOO exciting I can't wait for you to take your clothers off' feeling sex feels like assisted masturbation. And I hear they make toys for that.
3) What makes sex horrible, provided it's consensual and reasonably safe and sane? Feeling like you are an item to be ticked off on someone's 'To Do'-list.

And finally, I shall quote Ms. Germaine Greer;

'I'd rather be in no relationship than be in a bad relationship, and rather have no sex than have bad sex.'

Hear hear!
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  #33  
Old 04-06-2011, 12:14 PM
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I've been wondering lately how much of my enthusiasm for poly is fueled by a general feeling of loneliness. Not to say that it's wrong to want multiple relationships as a response to loneliness, but just wondering at the timing. I've been heavily involved with caring until very recently and now that I'm not so sorely needed anymore I find I have more free time in my hands than ever before. And also, when I think on it hard, there aren't that many people close by I can just comfortably hang out with.
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  #34  
Old 04-06-2011, 09:58 PM
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I've been wondering lately how much of my enthusiasm for poly is fueled by a general feeling of loneliness. Not to say that it's wrong to want multiple relationships as a response to loneliness, but just wondering at the timing. I've been heavily involved with caring until very recently and now that I'm not so sorely needed anymore I find I have more free time in my hands than ever before. And also, when I think on it hard, there aren't that many people close by I can just comfortably hang out with.
Speaking of time, Ive noticed Heather & I have an AMPLE amount of time since our triangle ended that were not sure what to do with.

We have started searching on OKcupid & actually got a couple of replies, but most want to move much faster than we are ready for yet.

I guess were looking for ppl to comfortably hang out with first too.
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  #35  
Old 04-11-2011, 10:38 AM
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Default Why my newly-acquired metamour-with-benefits is such a great guy

Quote:
Originally Posted by magikman79 View Post
We have started searching on OKcupid & actually got a couple of replies, but most want to move much faster than we are ready for yet.
I can sympathize. I think part of it is the feeling of 'oh wow I never new people like this actually existed I'm so psyched right now let's all move out to the countryside and start a big poly family together'.

Unicorns are tough. We can be so giving it goes a bit over-board sometimes.

But, the issue of the day, or how to be a great guy and metamour-with-benefits (MwB) par excellance.

He suggested taking the kids out for a LONG walk to let me and lady wife spend some quality time together without her having to go constantly check on the baby.

Seriously, this guy is lovable. I love cuddling with him. I think we will definitely be great friends and after some adjusting, probably have fun sexy times together too. But things like these make me feel all ooshy-mooshy inside. There is nothing quite as endearing as a guy who treats his wife like a real person and who knows how to share.

Yeah, a serious case of metamour-crush developing.
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  #36  
Old 04-11-2011, 09:46 PM
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You sound much happier, I'm glad you found what you were looking for
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  #37  
Old 04-12-2011, 11:13 AM
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Default Coming out, part 2

So yesterday night I came clean to Mum. About everything.

1) Sweetheart. She asked me if I am going to fall apart in the case he dies on duty. I said it's better to have loved and lost than not having loved at all. She disagrees.

2) Mr. and Mrs. Sweets. She fears that when I inevitably at some point want to find a partner to get married to and have children with, this will be a phase of my life I will have to hide in fear of it ever coming out. I think she feels I've swam so far against the mainstream that I risk drowning, that somehow I will be 'ruined goods' for 'normal' relationships from now on.

She expressed how surprised she was that she has not been successful in transmitting any of her values to me. She fears I will burn badly and is so sorry to know I have no self-respect. I told her that my self-respect isn't as intimately tied to the details of my sex life as she implies. She says she doesn't get it, that she comes from such a different culture and viewpoint that there's no point arguing over it.

She feels this is just me looking for self-validation and acceptance through sex. I disagree. Sex is the least part of this lifestyle but I don't know how to explain it to her. She asked me if I was cheating on my ex. She said she wonders if I am capable of sexual fidelity at all, or if I'm doomed to cheat on my partners and incapable of monogamy (for clarification, I've never cheated, and am more than capable of sexual fidelity).

I decided to come clean when after being caught in yet another lie, I told her that I fear she will not be able to handle the truth. She said so many people have lied to her in her life, all meaning well, all trying to protect her, that she was sick to her stomach with it. So I told her everything. She said it was I who was afraid of people abandoning me if they knew the truth about me, which is very true, I think. Here's to my mono Mum giving me a lesson in the dangers of projecting our feelings to our partners in intimate relationships .

Tonight I am going to see a recital and then we have a tv night with Mum. I wanted to share this in case there are people on this forum who still live with their parents or are otherwise in daily contact with them and find it exceedingly impractical and taxing to hide the specifics of their love lives from their folks. In sort of 'this is what you might expect' kind of way.
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  #38  
Old 04-14-2011, 10:16 AM
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Default WARNING - non-polyamory related post

There is a piece of paper on my desk that I constantly take a look at. On it I've written the names of the people in my spiritual group and linked everyone together in a circular pattern. Just a little outside of the circle there are two new names that I've been wanting invite to our group.

The problem? Our group would become unwieldy with the addition of TWO new members. Not only would we run out of meeting space and the chances of finding a date to suit everyone would decrease exponentially, there is the much bigger problem of the group no longer being the safe intimate place it is. There would be no longer psychological room for everyone to express themselves as freely as before. The group dynamics would change for good and not in a positive way.

The natural thing to do would be to split the group into two. But nobody really wants that. We have become so close and so comfy and everyone's having such a great time together, which means of course that very little progress is made. But comfort zones are called that for a reason - it would be really uncomfortable to venture far afield beyond them.

Something needs to be done but I console myself with that little note, which sort of serves to symbolize that I am thinking about it. I don't want anyone to lose interest if they are randomly assigned to a new group they are no longer having fun in. I think this calls for a group meeting - everyone should be allowed a say in how they want this to progress. If I am the only one wanting to change then we'll continue as before.
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  #39  
Old 04-18-2011, 03:14 PM
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Default Rules abound

All the rules other people seem to be having weird me out. 'You can't have sex with so and so, not for the time being, you can't kiss, no alone time, just threesomes, both are allowed one additional partner, always let me know if you are meeting up with someone, if you want to add another partner we need to discuss that...'

Not all of the above are rules, of course, guidelines maybe. People have those in place because of real issues. But I think having iron-clad rules set in place from the get go can really stop the situation from progressing beyond anything than weird power-games over who is having how much time with whom.

Maybe in poly time is the only thing left of which you can be legitimately jealous of? I don't mind getting involved with people who have relationship-specific rules/guidelines, but would balk at somebody trying to include me in them. Like the whole 'we can't date separately - you have to like/do/date/love both of us equally forever more'.
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  #40  
Old 04-19-2011, 08:44 PM
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Default

A few posts up, you said something that sparked my interest. Wondering if polyamory was a way to get around loneliness. I've wondered the same thing. And also if it relates to my feelings regarding how I missed out w/ family growing up and wanting to make up for lost time.

The rules are hard. And when there's a ceiling. Like, only get this attached. If you can't handle the places a relationship could likely go, then maybe you shouldn't open the door in the first place. It's like people want to experiment but they don't think about the poor souls that they use who have real feelings and end up getting crushed. Or when a spouse isn't okay with something but has no intention of trying to work through the issues so it just becomes a standstill, rather than a slow place.

Ah, the pitfalls of being a Unicorn. I guess, technically, I wasn't a unicorn since I wasn't involved with A but I feel like I want to avoid the married folk for a good long time.
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