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  #351  
Old 07-23-2012, 07:13 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Finally progress!

I am so happy with myself for making a decision that I feel genuinely good about.

I've decided to quit the blame-everyone-else-for-your-troubles -game for now. Instead, I have my first AA meeting tomorrow. I hope I get up the courage to go. I have read a lot of the literature involved with this group and feel happy about their philosophy of accepting personal responsibility for things you can change and letting the rest go.

I've looked through a lot of self-help groups lately. I was thinking of going to one that is directed to family members of narcistic individuals, but decided against for now. I think I need to start learning how to separate my personal issues from everyone else's. A self-confessed drama-addict, I need to learn how to live with my own past and solve the questions and challanges it has brought to me, and start treating everyone else later (if ever).

I am now living at a shelter for women who have fallen on hard times, which is good, and I also contacted the police today and told him I want to start living in peace and not live in fear of my mother. I've read on how the AA people believe that everyone needs to hit their personal rock bottom before they can start to build up a life for themselves.

So now that I have broken up my relationship with everyone I truly care about, burnt away all my cash and some cash that's not mine too, run like an effin lunatic and gone past paranoia and desperation to the good calm place of knowing that really, it can't get any worse, I feel I'm finally ready to accept what has happened.

I have realized that I am an addictive personality. Everything fun and pleasurable, I try once and I am hooked. Nothing except complete abstinence can help me now while I am on my road to recovery.

I feel a lot of anger for some stuff that's been done to me. I am resentful, for example, for the constant head injury my mother courteously dealt during my formative years. I hope I can one day get an MRI scan and really know what has happened, i.e. which areas have been hit and how hard, but it's not super-important now.

Another thing I would like to learn is how to deal with being continuously molested as a child. I know people do live happy productive lives and have partners etc., but I'm not there yet. I would like to develop a sexuality and intimacy that feels good to me, and not just use sex and love as teddybears to cure the terrible inner longing I have.

And third on the list is learning how to cry again. Everytime I cried as a child, somebody would hit me in the face or in the head or throw something at me or pull at my hair or try to smother me etc., no need to go into great and gory detail right now. I tried to keep an about face, but would also get hit for that. Laughing and smiling were considered disrespectful, since there was nothing to laugh about, and about face showed I was secrectly plotting something. So when I was around seven or so, I discovered that everytime I felt something, I could calmly, in my mind's eye, take it, examine it, and then crush it into little pieces and let it die. So except somewhat drugged but generally benevolent stupour, I've not felt anything since I went to school, and everytime I felt real anger, joy, sadness or fear, I've smothered it.

I've read a lot of stuff people who have been tortured have written, and I realize that is what has been done to me. It's not nice to admit that you have been tortured with abandon, sincerity and spite for 20 years, and probably moreso, since the really early stuff I've tried to forget about (like the real reason for my head injury I strongly suspect I have). Also, my lack of empathy is a little more palatable now, since everytime somebody is speaking about their troubles, I'm secrectly scoffin like "yeah, you think you have it difficult! try me life for a change".

I think I became so emotionally distant since everytime I protested, my mum would tell me that I knew nothing of real suffering, that there were a plenty of kids who were worse off, living in war zones for example, and nowadays I think she was wrong. I had it pretty darn bad. Not to wallow in self-pity, but honestly, no mum should be hell-bent on killing their kids. People don't believe families that bad exist, but they really do. Just so you know.
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  #352  
Old 07-23-2012, 08:41 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Good for you! Keep us updated as we hope all the best for you!

PS I's like to see you change your tag line to something more positive
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  #353  
Old 07-23-2012, 10:05 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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I couldn't read this without feeling the urge to say 'something'. But I honestly don't know what to say. I am sorry. Sorry for all the suffering and the lost childhood as well as the missing normality you are still struggling with. I hope you will be able to work through this with time and some official help, but after reading this I have to say: I have no idea at all what this must be like. Just wishing for the best outcome possible for you.
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  #354  
Old 07-24-2012, 06:57 PM
Moonlightrunner Moonlightrunner is offline
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There's so much here I'd wish I'd known earlier. Wish we'd known. Other than that I don't really know what to say either...

In any case, we ARE still your friends and we're here if you need to talk...
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  #355  
Old 07-25-2012, 01:13 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Aw BU...

the only thing I can say is that I'm happy you are facing these phantoms, and with determination. Oftentimes things happen to us and we deal by pushing them down down down until it's almost like they never happened. Then life reminds us that yes, it's all still there. Sending you nothing but hugs and positivity on this new journey.

Whenever you're able, keep us in the loop. I hope you gain some clarity and understanding soon.
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  #356  
Old 07-25-2012, 04:04 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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oh, BlackUnicorn, that was so beautiful. Welcome to reality. As someone else who crawled over shattered glass to get better, I assure you, someday you will feel better. You will know it was worth it.

I'm so glad to hear you're looking for help, and that you're letting some folks help you, and beginning to learn to help yourself.

My heart goes out to you. <3
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  #357  
Old 07-26-2012, 12:45 AM
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ladyintricate ladyintricate is offline
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Default Hugs!

BlackUnicorn,

I am so glad to hear that you are doing what you need to do to be safe and work through past scars (and recent ones...). I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you from when I was on here about a year ago.

I can hear in your "voice" that you are an incredibly sensitive and lovable soul. AA is a great place to go for support and to learn more about yourself as well as others.

You deserve to be happy and healthy (emotionally and physically). I send hugs and best wishes to you! Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.
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  #358  
Old 08-16-2012, 11:33 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default back to bedlam

My stubborn refusal to deal landed me here three weeks ago, but it was for the better. Now they tell me I'm too well for a closed ward, so I might look at going home in two weeks!

Thankyou everyone whose commented or Pmed me. I will answer when I get better. And I do remember everyone, including you Lady. Thank you so much. I'm in recovery now.
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  #359  
Old 08-16-2012, 02:48 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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You are alive.

That's the real first step of anything: being alive. Committing to staying that way is the second. Then we get to figure out how to do the rest.

It sounds like you're well on your way. Congratulations.
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  #360  
Old 08-16-2012, 07:41 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default night musings

I agree, lfag!

I can't sleepzzz and am a little overwrought. I'm so glad I have this blog and this forum.

I have been thinking a lot about marriage and what it means to me. And how I go about things related to marriage and commitment.

I don't have a lot of good rolemodels when it comes to marriage. 90 % of the marriages I've seen are not happy. And by unhappy I mean that the partners are still on talking terma with each other and not actively trying to kill each other.
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