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  #301  
Old 04-28-2012, 10:58 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I have a minor issue with poly non-judgement atm... I can't see a way this will not blow up in everyone's faces and magnificiently so. Am I being too narrow-minded? Am I generalizing from my own experience too much?
Well, it does sound like a handy distraction to keep you from focusing on your own relationships.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #302  
Old 04-29-2012, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Not nearly enough info to know the likelihood of stuff "blowing-up" - so much (everything?) depends on the people involved. Dude moved in with us from essentially day one (maybe before). Made it through the first year okay and all relationships are growing stronger...you never know

JaneQ
I hear you. This quad doesn't have the benefit of everyone being friends beforehand, but like said, you never know. I don't actually know this girl very well, and it's none of my concern really.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, it does sound like a handy distraction to keep you from focusing on your own relationships.
So true . And I don't really need distractions. I have two jobs, an unfinished thesis, two book projects, training trallallaaa, oh did I mention therapy! I'm going to stay so far away from everyone else's poly shit as possible.
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  #303  
Old 04-30-2012, 12:32 PM
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Just wanted to speed update: I think something really moved forward last night with Vanilla. We were able to discuss her sex addiction, why it bothers her, what possibly could be done to alleviate the burden it places on her and our relationship, and finished with a plan to move forward.
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  #304  
Old 05-01-2012, 06:53 AM
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Default Boundary patrol

Through talking to a multitude of people from all walks of life, I'm becoming gradually more aware of what my particular boundaries are when it comes to my relationship with Vanilla vis-a-vis poly. I feel that why I am definitely not a vanilla at least most of the time, I'm no liquorice either. I need to be able to draw boundaries around which kink activities are okay in our relationship and how much Vanilla's other kinky activities can affect our relationship.

We are taking a break from sex right now. Vanilla's bruising from last weekend's kink party is such that it makes me want to puke if I accidentally catch a glimpse of that. It brings to mind pictures of torture victims I've seen - def not a turn-on. I've requested she wear something to cover them up when at home so I don't have to feel constantly vaguely nauseous. I feel good about this particular boundary and my ability to ask for it and enforce it.
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  #305  
Old 05-02-2012, 12:38 PM
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Default Growing pains

Is what I'm having right now.

Yesterday night Vanilla came to bed and confessed to having found a lump besides her cervix. It freaked me out (mum, cancer, remember?). I asked if she wanted to make an appointment to see the doctor herself or if I should do it. She asked me to do it.

So I did, and got her an appointment at the early afternoon. So I called her and told her when her appointment woul be (four hours later at that point). I called her again two hours prior to the doctor to make sure she had woken up and taken a shower and was getting ready.

20 mins before we had scheduled to meet, I had already left work to be there on time. She texts me that she was late from the bus and will only make it there at the precise time her appointment was supposed to start. I call her and ask what the heck. She offers a variety of excuses -the next bus was five minutes late, she was only 30 seconds late for the bus she was supposed to take, she thought the appointment was five minutes later, she couldn't take the taxi because she had no money, the money I gave her was needed for food, she hadn't yet gone to the store but would go later today...

(Turns out the lump was NORMAL . We weren't the first ladies to come to the doctor all freaked about our cervixes, which are naturally pourous and lumpy around the opening. We both have HPV and cellular abnormalities, plus it was two years since Vanilla's last smear test, so I was worried. Thank God it's alright.)

After we get out of the doctor's office, Vanilla claims that I was overreacting and that she knew all the time it wasn't serious. Excuses, justifications, defences. She's been living off the money I give her lately, because she lost her wallet. It's inside the house. Why hasn't she found it? Because the house is such a mess, and she's too tired and achy to look for it. (Today she did manage to go to the bank to get some money for herself, which was unexpected and gave me some hope).

We have an ongoing discussion on my contribution to our household. I feel I can't work two jobs and be expected to carry out half the housework, especially since I'm barely there and she's at home all day every day. I don't have the time to make a mess! When she cooks, eats, does thing x, she can't move a single item to the trash. Empty wrappers and left-overs just end up on the floor, where the cats make a mess of them. I cleaned what remained of her several day old pizza left-overs that the cats had a field-day with, and my reward was that she complained that I don't even do the one thing that's supposed to be all my responsibility - the dishes.

She has known Chip for two weeks, and sees him more than she does me and communicates with him constantly, while I shouldn't bother her time with him by texting, since he gets upset. She cries how I don't understand how much she enjoys her bruises and how I don't accept her as she is, but although I have tried to initiate sex (by saying "I want to have sex tonight"), she hasn't been interested. She herself freaked about her bruising but now it has been turned upside down and it is me who has insisted she give up pain for a month. Her previous abusive dom Goblin, with whom she remains in close contact, convinced her that I am unreasonable to ask her to respect her own limits and boundaries by taking a break from intensive BDSM exploration and that as a masochist, pain is her basic need and no one, not even her, should try to control it.

Yesterday our sex attempt ended in tears because she was so upset about my recent hair cut. She sees me as controlling, impossible to please and demanding, and herself as a totally helpless victim of pain and impossible, incomprehensible demands. I listen to her and all I hear is how nothing is ever her fault, it's me or bus timetables or her evil psychiatrist or whatnot. Chip of course is above reproach, the only one who really understands her, he cannot be burdened by the day to day struggle of taking care of her, and his needs must be catered to at all times. He freaked out when he heard that Vanilla has HSV, and went on about how she had lead him on by saying that her test results were 'clean' (which they were, they don't test for HSV up here), which to his mind they were not. While he has around five gfs and is obviously to me a giant dick (not literally, he is quite small) who should be worried about how safe a partner he is, Vanilla is just worried that he is afraid of love, a delusion he is happy to cater to. BLARGH!!!11

I'm living and letting live. From now on I'll get my own food, do my own laundry, take care of my own appointments and live my own life. Vanilla doesn't want to be parented or nurtured or taken care of. Fine.
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Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 05-02-2012 at 12:42 PM.
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  #306  
Old 05-02-2012, 01:11 PM
Vanilla Vanilla is offline
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I need to remove your blog from my bookmarks and stop reading this. It's enough work for me to try to keep breathing at the moment (oh how I wish I could just stop), I can't take this shit publicly anymore. Hurts too much. You just don't even try to see how much I'm working to get things better and how I see things.

Oh and by the way, you're not gonna survive with your own laundry. You're never home to do it.
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  #307  
Old 05-02-2012, 04:15 PM
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This is to both of you -- please know that all of us who read here care about you and aren't judging you. Please take your feelings seriously, especially any desire for self-harm. Check into the hospital for a few days if necessary. My mom checked herself into a mental health facility for a week a couple years back because she felt so hopeless and thank god she's ok and still with us now, wrote possibly because of that.
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  #308  
Old 05-02-2012, 11:02 PM
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Default Food for thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
that as a masochist, pain is her basic need and no one, not even her, should try to control it.
I just wanted to touch on this point. I am a masochist and pain is a basic need of mine. I will get achy and cranky if I don't have it on a regular basis. Sometimes it is enough that my husband bites me or comes up behind me while I'm doing dishes and spanks me or that my boyfriend uses his nails during sex. Other times even that isn't enough. I participate in a boffer larp and a medieval combat sport in part because it guarantees that I get that need met at least once a week. I could live w/o D/s play, but not w/o pain. Not entirely, and most certainly not for a whole month.

I know you may not understand her kink or like how it affects your relationship; but in reality you may be asking her to stop being herself for your comfort. You have every right to have your boundaries, but she also has a right to have her needs met as well.
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  #309  
Old 05-03-2012, 04:54 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Wallet found!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Check into the hospital for a few days if necessary.
The day hospital thing isn't happening because Vanilla isn't feeling bad enough - she would basically have to attempt suicide or be diagnosable with something major to qualify for admission .

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
I know you may not understand her kink or like how it affects your relationship; but in reality you may be asking her to stop being herself for your comfort. You have every right to have your boundaries, but she also has a right to have her needs met as well.
This is a good point - thank you, BD . I don't understand it, but I don't have to understand everything about her. The situation, to my knowledge, went something like this: she went for a smoke the night after the party, then came back to bed and confided in me that she was pretty freaked about the bruising and how her boundaries seem to be slipping away. We talked about that and I opinioned that feelings of anxiety and freak-outs that seemingly come from nowhere for no good reason are usually a sign of either 1) a traumatic stress response being triggered by reminders of the original traumatic event OR 2) an alarm clock that's going off to say that a boundary is being broken and the psyche isn't ready to deal with that.

I suggested that usually in such situations, and also to find out if you have an addiction vs. basic need, it's beneficial to withdraw from the activity which lead to the freak-out for a set amount of time. (For the record, I define addicition as a long-term craving for something that causes significant harm in at least two broad life arenas: while food is basic need of mine, I can go without food or settle for something that I don't particularly like, and I can regulate my food intake to a degree - after I'm full I don't continue to digest more). I suggested a month (could have been a week, taking into account the frequency of their meet-ups), but this was somehow misunderstood as me demanding that Vanilla take a month off from pain-inducing activities.

But happy news! When we discussed with Vanilla how we could enhance our communication and in concrete ways show that we care, I requested she take the time to look for her wallet. She did, and it is found! Stuff like that really helps me build confidence and trust in this relationship.

Oh and btw, I found a therapist who specializes in sex addiction and is willing to take Vanilla on as a patient. Happy that things are moving forward.

Baby steps, baby steps.
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  #310  
Old 05-04-2012, 10:27 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Bitter and unfair bitching below the belt

I've spent a little more time with Chip and wonder how exactly Vanilla sees that a change from Cookie to Chip is better.

A brief comparison between Cookie and Chip

1. Is hostile to women (check for both)
2. Is enthusiastic about game theory and how to trick women into sex (check for both)
3. Thinks men are ultimately at disadvantage to women and hence feels the need to protect his interests at all times when it comes to relationships (check for both)
4. Has inflexible political and lifestyle beliefs that defy reason, contrary evidence and change (check for both)
5. Has low self-esteem (check for both)
6. Has a pessimistic worldview where everyone is out to get them and they can rely on no one but themselves (check for both)
7. Thinks feelings, especially romantic feelings, are fishy and avoids them since they cloud reason and make him vulnerable (check for both)
8. Doesn't respect boundaries and presses on even after several requests to stop because he needs to prove he's right (check for both)
9. Thinks Vanilla is dirty (check for both)
10. Uses Vanilla for sex and easy submission (check for both)

Wow, these boys sure seem like peas in a pod! Human attraction is weird sometimes. I will stop now because Vanilla will read this and be angry because I don't know Chip and won't take the time to get to know him and his mother loves him very much etc.
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