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  #21  
Old 03-11-2011, 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
My metamour is in a really bad place now. My prospective partner says it's something they'll have to fix together. The wife is considerably less into polyamory - this has come up before, prior to me.

But how to make her see it's not that she is loved any less, but the exact opposite is occurring?
It sounds to me like this may be something that she has to work through with her husband and there is probably not much you can do. One thing though is to just be EXTREMELY honest and open and just let her know that you will not do anything without her knowledge and that you are not there to interfere/come between her relationship with her husband. making that very clear and that you love both of them, may make her feel more secure and more able to move forward. I am betting that probably her biggest fear is that in loving you he will love her less, or even that with you in the picture he will stop loving her. These are fears I have struggled with, so that is my guess.

I hope that helps!
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  #22  
Old 03-11-2011, 08:06 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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It sounds to me like this may be something that she has to work through with her husband and there is probably not much you can do.
Ditto. I try my best to stay out of metamour love problems. I will offer support to the person I am with... but I don't interfere. It isn't my place and it shouldn' t be
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  #23  
Old 03-17-2011, 11:42 AM
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Default Thank you, everyone!

Haven't been able to post for a while due to health issues, but now I think I'm back in the game!

Great input, thank you. I will be there if I'm needed, but will not impose myself on anyone.

Recent things that have popped into my mind with a new physical relationship in the works;

1) BDSM. Does. Not. Excite. Me. Sexually. Will a mixed-orientation relationship with me and a BDSM enthusiast ever work, or shall we eventually grow frustrated/bored? I'm hoping it could be a shared hobby, I'm always open to learning new stuff, but can I really trivialize someone's sexual identity to the level of a hobby?

2) Time-management, or why do I keep receiving text messages? I know the answer for this; take a calendar and schedule. I hate giving the impression that I'm not as eager as I am, but I just require a lot of me time and am not interested in constant instant communication, powered by modern communication technologies. How to say stop blowing up my phone nicely? It's not that I don't like them; I just require a lot less constant in-touchness than I think most people do.
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  #24  
Old 03-17-2011, 12:50 PM
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1) BDSM. Does. Not. Excite. Me. Sexually. Will a mixed-orientation relationship with me and a BDSM enthusiast ever work, or shall we eventually grow frustrated/bored? I'm hoping it could be a shared hobby, I'm always open to learning new stuff, but can I really trivialize someone's sexual identity to the level of a hobby?
Relationships between poly vanillas and kinksters can work. Lots of kinky people also enjoy straight up hot intense vanilla sex. As long as they are poly, they could get the good vanilla sex with you and look for the sprinkles and hot fudge sauce elsewhere.
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  #25  
Old 03-19-2011, 06:54 PM
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Default I suck at relationships

Well, maybe not really, but let's say I'm out of touch.

What is the first ground rule for getting involved with ANYONE, on romantic or friendship basis? Anyone?

Yeah, you sir right there. You know the answer don't you. And the couple holding hands in front knows it too. That's why they're holding hands in the first place. Yep, how could I forget about it? It's not like I haven't had any friends or partners ever before.

Be yourself as you truly are, not trying to guess what your prospective partner wants you to be and then trying to act like it.

Yeah, I know, I have issues. I generally don't believe people want to hang out or have sex with me for any other than purely humanitarian concerns. I also tend to think people well in their twenties and beyond are way too young to avoid getting entangled with me and well in above their heads, so I'm trying to prepare their escape routes for them. I'm basically a walking 'Please don't date me, I'm way too clingy for you' sign. If I as much as find I like someone, I get immediately super concerned in thinking I might be smothering them with my love.

I'm a nice girl, really. I'd date me. For whatever reason, I do believe other's generally wouldn't. I blame it on having been constantly told I'm too this or that, too weird, too intense, too loud, too talkative, too off, too smart, too competent, too pushy, too passionate what-the-fuck-ever. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself 'too' was a dirty word.

For now, I'm going to be just too much myself. That will either kick-start this relationship, or send it all to hell. But I am too tired to tiptoe around anyone right now.
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  #26  
Old 03-19-2011, 10:55 PM
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"For now, I'm going to be just too much myself. That will either kick-start this relationship, or send it all to hell. But I am too tired to tiptoe around anyone right now. "

Absolutely!!! Your partner(s) may be dear to you, but it'll save everyone a lot of pain if a fundamental lack of compatability is revealed at the start. Gottagottagotta be yourself.
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  #27  
Old 03-19-2011, 10:57 PM
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1) BDSM. Does. Not. Excite. Me. Sexually. Will a mixed-orientation relationship with me and a BDSM enthusiast ever work, or shall we eventually grow frustrated/bored? I'm hoping it could be a shared hobby, I'm always open to learning new stuff, but can I really trivialize someone's sexual identity to the level of a hobby?
I think it depends on how essential it is to the other person's sexuality. Like, me, I have serious submissive leanings (with certain people anyway) but I'm perfectly capable of craving and enjoying-to-pieces vanilla sex and vanilla love. Especially considering that your partner is living a poly lifestyle, there's no reason he can't have a slice of vanilla and a slice of chocolate... unless he ONLY likes chocolate, and then your vanilla self might have a problem.
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  #28  
Old 03-20-2011, 12:51 AM
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1) BDSM. Does. Not. Excite. Me. Sexually.
I had to smile when I read this. I agree completely. I think I can see how BDSM could be great for someone else, but not so sure about myself. May I suggest, just go to your partner with the disclaimer ahead of time that it may not be for you and then experiement a little! Maybe some of it will excite you (I think I may be more excited by all the leather more than anything else, myself!)? If not, then jsut tell them. As long as you are honest, it is not reducing it to a hobby or being disrespectful.

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
2) Time-management, or why do I keep receiving text messages? I know the answer for this; take a calendar and schedule. I hate giving the impression that I'm not as eager as I am, but I just require a lot of me time and am not interested in constant instant communication, powered by modern communication technologies.
I like the occasional text message, but a continuous stream can be annoying for sure! When it gets to be annoying (you are discussing abstract concepts one sentence, or even word, at a time) just pick up the phone if you can and tell them to talk to you that way. OR if you are at work or otherwise unable to talk then text them one time that you are busy and then turn the phone to silent. Most chronic texters figure out pretty quick that you are not afflicted with the bug if they do not get a response for an hour. Don't feel guilty if you have told them one time that it is not a good time and then they keept texting, you have set a limit - they should respect that.

As far as time management in the stricktist sense: I am very bad at this and can barely juggle my husband, my 2 kids (12 and 2), my friendships, my job, and my school (in a master's program). I have no idea how we will find the time for everyone once we are ready to find a third....good luck!
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  #29  
Old 03-20-2011, 01:04 AM
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What is the first ground rule for getting involved with ANYONE, on romantic or friendship basis? Anyone?

Be yourself as you truly are, not trying to guess what your prospective partner wants you to be and then trying to act like it.
Ding! Ding! DING! You are absolutely right! I think that too often people try to be what their partner wants them to be (or what they think their partner wants them to be?) and being someone other than yourself cannot ever be sustained for long. More to the point, not being YOU is depriving that person of really loving you.

I definitely understand though. I have almost made an art form of doing this ("being" what my partners want). I am extremely good at anticipating other people's needs and wants and usually try to conform to them unconsciously. It is something about myself that I have been working on for a long time and still work on. When you do this for too long it becomes hard for even you to know what you want or who you are. Not good for obvious reasons. It makes me a great gift giver though (and I bet you are, too, BlackUnicorn)!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
For now, I'm going to be just too much myself. That will either kick-start this relationship, or send it all to hell. But I am too tired to tiptoe around anyone right now.
I don't think you can be "too" much yourself at all. From what I can see, you seem like a wonderful person who is perfect just the way you are. Be yourself and if they don't like it, forget them!
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  #30  
Old 03-21-2011, 11:31 PM
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TeamD79 TeamD79 is offline
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Default looking for a unicorn from the wife's POV

I must say I (Heather, the wife in a couple looking to be a unicorn's one and only couple again) can relate very well to the issues she is having. When we first became involved with our beautiful girlie it was very scary. It was a first time adventure and we had no idea what we were looking for or what would or could happen.
I was afraid that feelings would arise between the two of them and that I would be left alone.

I suggest creating a bond with her. Spend as much time with her as you can, reassure her, make her feel safe. Be attentive to her. When she is afraid, stop to calm her fears.Take good care of her, and she will be very willing to in return give you the world. After all, how can anyone not fall in love with that, right? I sure did.

It takes a lot for a wife to give up so much, and that is what it feels like to her now. So it is your job to fill the spaces and the holes she opens in her heart to make room for you and it is important to keep them filled.

You have a lot of work ahead of you, but it is so so rewarding. Best of luck to all of you

-- Posted by Heather
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Last edited by TeamD79; 03-21-2011 at 11:40 PM.
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