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  #271  
Old 04-01-2012, 08:30 PM
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I am so sorry for you loss.
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  #272  
Old 04-01-2012, 09:24 PM
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Oh dear. I'm so sorry, BU. Please take care of yourself. Oh, and yes, give Cookie the boot. He doesn't deserve you.
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  #273  
Old 04-08-2012, 02:52 AM
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Thank you for sharing your stories with us. Omg Cookie needs to go! That is the height of being an asshole!!! I'm so sorry for your loss.

I wish you the best for your upcoming marriage. . Engagements are very exciting.

I wanted to share some random things cuz I could relate so much.... First with the flailing sex drive, Omg, happens to me too. I find I do need that "non goal oriented touching" at those times because I still deeply crave love, affection, and sensuality even when bladder infections or what not are interfering wit my sex drive. Also, when I upped my anxiety medicine I totally went through the lowered sex drive thing, although it's also strongly related to my emotions for me-- if something is bothering me at the back of my mind, I can't orgasm for the life of me!

Anyway, best wishes wih your engagement!
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  #274  
Old 04-18-2012, 07:22 AM
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Re-cap since last post

So, I pretty much dumbed Cookie's ass. However, he is so sad and lonely and forlorn that I kinda feel humanitarian concern for him. Which led into cuddling and sex, although I had pretty much sworn him off at that point .

Meanwhile, Vanilla has fallen head over heels with a New Guy. And it's tearing me apart. I feel numb and nauseated and destroyed.

Why such an extreme reaction to something that should be a positive thing? After all, as a recovering NRE monster, what's good for the goose should be good for the gander, right? (Or in this case, what's good for the gander is good for the other gander, too.)

This situation triggers every single uncertain chord in my body. I'm deathly afraid of being found wanting in comparison to this dude. Why is this such a trigger for me? Well, you guessed it! He's a dom and they are giddy with BDSM happiness, him and Vanilla.

I used to feel like I was in a relationship. Now I feel like I have a few loving friends but no relationship to speak off. I offered to let Vanilla go and let her explore her developing relationship without an insanely jealous and dysfunctionally co-dependent piece of emotional wreckage weighing her down. But she doesn't want to take a break from us.

The bottom line is that I don't feel like I can trust her to love and care for me and value me and not be engulfed by this new relationship, and I'm trying to protect myself from serious future pain by removing myself from the game before it's even started. I know that's unreasonable as all hell, but deep-down I'm convinced no one can ever possibly want to be with me for real if they have a choice. Hence the freak-out.

What I'm doing now?

I got an emergency appointment with a psychologist today, 75 mins during which I want to pour out every single moment I've ever felt rejected starting at preschool. Poor psych lady, I don't envy her. I just want to cry till my heart dries out, to feel anything but utterly terrified and numb and destroyed and dissociated.

I still think it would be better for me and Vanilla to take a break until I can get my shit straight, but she doesn't want to tell anybody that our relationship is on the rocks. She doesn't want to hear those "But I told you so!" snickers from her friends.

She has done nothing to cause or deserve this, except get involved with a a mental case like me. All those thoughts and experiences I've avoided and surpressed for years are coming to haunt with a vengeance it seems. Today we plan to have a quiet night in eating and cuddling and not discussing our relationship status or my insecurities for another night. I hope I feel more hopeful after my visit to the head doctor.
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  #275  
Old 04-18-2012, 07:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I still think it would be better for me and Vanilla to take a break until I can get my shit straight, but she doesn't want to tell anybody that our relationship is on the rocks. She doesn't want to hear those "But I told you so!" snickers from her friends.

She has done nothing to cause or deserve this, except get involved with a a mental case like me.
I am sorry that you are in a bad place right now. But what crossed my mind reading this was mainly the question: For what reason do you want to take a break for yourself and for what reason for Vanilla?

Because you shouldn't dictate what she should want and in some lines it sounded like you concentrate on her being the victim of your quirks and issues right now and therefore say that you want a break for her sake. But she clearly said she doesn't want that. So don't make decisions on her account whatever her reasons may be.

It would be a different story if you feel that you personally need a break because you don't want to be confronted with her new relationship and feel unable to sort things out while being in your current situation and relationship with her. And that's valid. But don't confuse the reasons why you need/want a break. This could lead to further confusion.

I hope that the session with your therapist will help and you can calm down a bit and find some way to handle this. Feeling for you.
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  #276  
Old 04-18-2012, 08:53 AM
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It's def all me. She read this and emphasized again that her being ashamed to admit to her friends that something's wrong is the least part of it. She doesn't want to take a break because she really, really, wants to be with me, even if I'm a super-crap partner right now.

I need to start figuring out what I feel and need and to separate it from what I think others feel and need, at the tender age of 23 Well, no drama, no growth; no growth, no poly, right ?
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  #277  
Old 04-19-2012, 05:28 AM
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Oh dear. I know this will make me sound like a condescending old fart, but I mean this sincerely: I was a total mess at 23. I think I gave up smiling for two years and snapped at anyone who asked me why I was so miserable. You are still young, and will grow out of it. That's what our 20s are for, to fall apart, discover who we really are, and then pick up the pieces again and put ourselves back together as who we want to be. It sucks sometimes. It's painful. It's also exhilarating at times. That is life. You are right on target, m'dear. Just try to always find the nugget of self-love in all the pain. Hold onto whatever goodness you can see in yourself and try not to indulge in drama. You're very smart, and you'll come through.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #278  
Old 04-22-2012, 06:49 PM
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Default Major mess

Wednesday, at the therapist

The therapist was really cool. I felt I could really talk to her about all the stuff that's happened to me well, since preschool. She said upfront that she feels relationships that are very young suffer from being open, because there is no base level of trust and security, but respected my decision to continue on this path.

We agreed that our agenda for our meetings would be 1) to steady things out with the relationship crisis and 2) to start addressing my feelings of inferiority, wrongness and undesirability. I meet her again this Thu.

Friday, back on the ranch

I was out of town on a business trip and had just caught the train home when Cookie texts me and tells he wants to come by. We had talked about this before and I said that I'm not home but that he should call Vanilla to see if she's home. Turns out, she was having phone sex with Chip, the new guy, and thus couldn't answer her phone. Cookie makes a bad decision of the day number 1 and comes by anyway. Vanilla doesn't know how to tell him off and texts me, very pissed off, that I should come quickly to deal with him. Surprisingly, the train cannot really be hastened, but I do manage to get there and we have a relaxing cuddle time with Cookie before I need to start vacuuming.

While we are cuddling, Vanilla takes a call from Chip. They talk and Vanilla is very nearly crying and I get the jist of it even though I'm only listening to half of the conversation. Chip is telling Vanilla of for being late all the time. Vanilla is agreeing and gushing about "how no one has ever been so frank and demanding with her and expected her to live up to her own expectations and how she needed this so much and is so thankful yadda yadda". I resent Vanilla's mum telling her off and am not very happy about this so-called-dom-of-hers giving her distant life coaching either. I try to make her feel better and tell her that I believe in liberty in all things, relationships included, and have always felt she's on adult who needs to make her own decisions and just because I don't interfere with her choices doens't mean I don't care. More gushing over Chip's greatness and uniqueness ensues.

I've gathered so much anger and hurt that I walk over to her in the other room, leaving Cookie playing Chat Roulette , and tell her how I frankly feel that what was special and unique about our relationships has gone, since she now has someone else who is special and unique to her. She disagrees. Major fighting and crying ensues (Cookie is very happy with his chat roulette and totally oblivious to all this going on).

Vanilla asks me to get rid of Cookie, and I go. In a moment of EXTREMELY BAD DECISIONS (number three for the night, number two was starting the fight in the first place), I decide to have GET EVEN SEX with Cookie. Unsurprisingly, this leads into major hurt feelings on Vanilla's side and more fighting after Cookie's gone. We manage to move on to make-up-sex and all's well that ends well, right? WRONG.
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  #279  
Old 04-22-2012, 07:02 PM
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Saturday, bad decisions galore continues

I have a training to go to in the morning but can't manage to get up in time, due to having fought and cried and fucked and generally having been up too late. Vanilla has made a study date with Chip. She is feeling very achy and asks me if it's okay that Chip come over to our place, since I'm leaving for my training anyway. Um, okay. I don't really want to but I guess it's okay since I will be sleeping for a couple more hours in the bedroom anyway and thus don't have to see him till I'm out of the door. I make sure once again that I wish to catch couple hours worth of more sleep, and she ensures me that it will be no problem.

Chip, the Jerk from Nether Regions of Hell, emerges. Within one minute of having entered our premises, he starts gawking and shouting (yes, shouting so that I can hear even when I'm behind a closed door) on how he really disapproves of feminism (after having seen the volume "Feminist Research" on the table) and how all Women's Studies majors he's ever met have been man-haters. He launches onto a long diatribe against the Crimes of Feminism and the Natural Difference Between Men and Women, and as his kind is wont, literally lectures, ignoring comments and questions from his faithful audience, my darling common-law wife Vanilla. Vanilla is probably getting off from all his high-and-mightiness (yes, I'm being super-petty), but I can't sleep no more and decide what the hell, falling asleep at the training beats staying awake and listening to this moron.

I get up, Vanilla goes all: Ohnowhyareyouupweren'tyousupposedtosleep?, I go all: Yeahfuckthatevenadeafpersoncouldn'tsleepinhere, she goes all: Ohnodoyouwantustogo, I go all: FuckthatI'mgoing. Chip is launging on our sofa and snickering at me behind my back. I go to training actively comtemplating murder.

While at the training, which lasts all day, I text Vanilla five times. No answer. Not even when I write to her that I would really appreciate one, even something like "Cool ". At 4 pm she texts me "I didn't want to text while I had company, am now going to see ma". I feel something inside me break. Yeah, she's too busy to text because she's fucking this God's Gift to Womankind. I tell that I'm moving back to my Mum's until since I can't sleep and acutely want to hit somebody.
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  #280  
Old 04-22-2012, 07:04 PM
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Sunday - too many pills

So my decision to move out since I'm starting to hate myself and the way I act around the person I love the most in the world didn't last. I came by to get some of my stuff tonight and find Vanilla completely incoherent after popping too many painkillers. Yay. So I'm not moving out it seems.
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