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  #221  
Old 01-18-2012, 08:25 AM
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rory rory is offline
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The trouble I have with the whole "in-your-face-argument" is that nobody considers a woman to be violating anybody's privacy by going to the day care with her husband and introducing him as her husband. Hell, pretty much nobody considers her to do that even if she tries to convert each non-straight/mono person into hetero-monogamy.
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  #222  
Old 01-18-2012, 11:07 AM
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Thanks for the support, rory. What I was thinking but didn't have the nerve to say .

Yesterday we had a talk with Vanilla about being/staying out and what kind of Do Ask, We'll Tell policy we want for our eventual married life with possible kids. I was first shocked, then amused and eventually depressed by the reaction towards the triad/vee and started having all sorts of "OMG we'll never be accepted" ideas in my head.

But today, my dearest FWB of all time (I've had one, but, you know, he is the best) sent me a message which ended with: "My life's definitely better for having you in it." My mood instantly shot through the roof. I am so blessed to have such varied, unique loves in my life.
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  #223  
Old 01-18-2012, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
"This is our child, SpongeBob SquarePants. This is my spouse, VanillaIce. This is my/our partner, RandomDudeWhoLivesWithUs. Please put into your notes that any one of us might show up to pick up Bob."
I have always believed that sticking to the facts saves a lot of backlash. Some folks will speculate and gossip, no matter what. However, it takes a whole lot of wind out of their sails when there's no "secret" to share. Not to say that daycare workers need to know the inner workings of your relationship. Most mono folks don't do this - "This is my husband and kids father, but he's sleeping on the couch because ...". Once you have kids, there are very few secrets anyway . My kids teachers always knew when my husband and I were fighting.
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  #224  
Old 01-20-2012, 06:24 PM
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Once you have kids, there are very few secrets anyway . My kids teachers always knew when my husband and I were fighting.
Haha, I can imagine the teacher-kid conversation:
"Mummy is coming to pick me up from school today, because Daddy moved to Grandma's, because he met this lady and now there is a boundary break and everybody communicated and now Mummy needs compersion."

A guy I had the hugest crush on in highschool removed me from his friends on Facebook. Not that we communicated in any way before or after I asked to befriend him, but I was mainly curious to see where he lived, if he was dating anyone, just your regular stalking people from highschool-stuff. But somehow it was much worse because I used to be so into him, and it felt like rejection, which it mostly likely wasn't meant to be. He isn't even an active user for that matter. In highschool I felt like I was an outsider, definitively not one of the cool kids, which he of course was - hence the crush.

I asked to befriend a guy I met in class, purely based on attraction I felt towards him. He hasn't responded, which will make it really awkward to meet him in class next week. I feel stupid to have asked to befriend him based on such a brief talk (I need to defend myself by saying that he has well over 1500 friends, so he doesn't seem one of those "close friends and family only" FB users). Rejection hurts even if it's just virtual and impersonal. I think all of my feelings of being a geeky outcast no guy from among the popular crowd could ever possibly want to date and who will die alone and unwanted activated all at the same time. Weird how you think you would have gotten over something and then something small happens and it turns out you haven't .
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  #225  
Old 01-20-2012, 07:21 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Yes, I'm on a rejection streak, to be a bit overdramatic about it. It does hurt, even when the rejections are for 'good' reasons. I am attempting to accept the pain, sadness and hurt - something I am not great at. But ignoring it would just cause those feelings to rebound stronger in some other situation. I've had that happen and it is mortifying. Now returning to your regularly scheduled blog...
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  #226  
Old 01-22-2012, 09:25 PM
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Yes, I'm on a rejection streak, to be a bit overdramatic about it. It does hurt, even when the rejections are for 'good' reasons.
Poor babby. Dating is brutal.

Just for those of you who are not mired knee-deep in Finnish politics, I am happy to announce that an openly gay and married candidate has just been selected for the final round of the presidentail elections! Might take a few decades still for openly poly, but we'll see.

In a group I attend very irregularly, one member totally dominates all discussion. He interrupts and speaks out of turn, often drowning other voices with his. He is very argumentative and especially prone to interrupt women speaking. He is so obnoxious that he is making others in the group uncomfortable and I seriously wish he would leave, or at least start attending less frequently.

I started thinking what to do in a poly situation where one partner is so toxic that they poison the whole set of relationships around them and make others want to leave. Is there a point when the poly wisdom of going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most turns on its head and everybody ends up struggling at the pace of the one who is the most aggressive in getting their needs for being heard met? What to do in a situation where one partner and their concerns and problems take the center stage every time with total disregard and disrespect to everyone else?

Poly isn't a democracy, but is there a point when the misery of many outweighs the comfort of one? I'm not talking about mono/poly situations only in here. Can the group, tribe, cluster whatever veto one partner together, or is that just simple old-school bullying and totally antithetical to the spirit of ethical non-monogamy? I know that ultimately everyone is only responsible for their own choices in continuing a relationship, but I'm wondering is there a point in the group process where the domineering individual could still be steered towards mutual respect and willingness to listen in order to understand, instead of listen in order to gather ammunition for counter-arguments?
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  #227  
Old 02-29-2012, 10:28 PM
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Default A bunch of things

A little over a month since I posted and so much has happened. I used to think I'm no good posting when nothing's happening, but it seems I suck at posting when there's a heap of things going on, too.

So I find myself in a triad again. Which is a challenge, really. The eligible bachelour in question (not the one who lives upstairs, thank heavens) is in his first relationship ever at the tender age of 25. I don't know if I'd want my first relationship to be in a triad. He has trouble grasping the concept of poly, and doesn't really believe things like this can last. I've tried to explain that it's not the duration of a any given relationship that matters but whether the people in it were in it 100% when it was a relationship or just passing time in wait of something better. I think there's a clear difference between "I want to be with you forever" and "I want to be with you right now". He says he probably loves me, but doesn't really know what love feels like. I told him to give it a year.

Anyhoo, he shall henceforth be known as Cookie.

Vanilla has another beau as well. Do you know the feeling when you've met someone new and you're not sure if they really understand what poly is about and wonder how to get it through to them? Well I can tell you that inviting them over so they can see you with other partners and hoping this will make it more tangible is a fucking bad idea. He got jealous, drank too much, threatened with suicide and acted as if Vanilla was his sole property and possession. Not cool.

Did I mention Vanilla is talking almost daily over FB with a friend from school who is depressed, unpredictable, unstable and clearly interested. Did I mention he's also violent? I think Vanilla might have a syndrome of being desperately drawn to hopeless cases.
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  #228  
Old 03-01-2012, 06:28 AM
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Hey there, first time for me responding to your story, thanks for sharing so far, I enjoyed reading it. And good luck with your new relationship even though it sounds like as I would be totally stressed in that situation But he should do reasonably well with a more experienced partner in the new poly realm, so I will be rooting for you.

What crossed my mind while reading the second part of your entry, don't you feel worried when Vanilla gets involved with those kind of people? I can't imagine myself staying uninvolved because I would constantly fear for her safety. And I realized that this could invite some trouble because I may invade her private space and appear as controlling and meddlesome. How do you handle a situation when you know that a possible partner or interest of your partner may not be that healthy for her?
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  #229  
Old 03-07-2012, 03:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Hey there, first time for me responding to your story, thanks for sharing so far, I enjoyed reading it.
Aww, thanks!

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And good luck with your new relationship even though it sounds like as I would be totally stressed in that situation But he should do reasonably well with a more experienced partner in the new poly realm, so I will be rooting for you.
It's a struggle. It's actually more of a struggle between Vanilla and Cookie, more of that below.

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How do you handle a situation when you know that a possible partner or interest of your partner may not be that healthy for her?
Vanilla's had her share of crazy partners for sure. Her ex tried to kill her and now they are best of friends; another ex tried to kill her friend and now they are slowly rebuilding a connection, which delights her greatly. People can change, and some people make better friends than partners, I guess. Especially if someone's been struggling for years with mental health issues and that's all you've ever seen of them, I think it's fair to give a second change to them if they say and demonstrate that they are now better.

Bottom line - I am highly suspicious of some of her more crazy friends, but I trust her in that just like in the past, she knew when to get out of a crazy situation and was able to get out, she will do so even now. I did request she and Pistachio (pseudonym for her new boyfriend, the one who was so out of line previously) not drink when they are together, because Chio's antidepressants and booze just don't seem to work together.

I'm a bit wary discussing Vanilla's problems in here, because they are her problems and she can go and talk about them in her own blog if she wants to. She is struggling, though, in a way I have compassion for but can't really do much about, since it's not about our relationship but her relationships with Chio and Cookie that are stressing her out. I try not to get caught in a middlewoman role between her and Cookie, though, since I still think triad is made out of three individual relationships. While they are fighting I occasionally try to lighten the mood and steer the conversation to calmer waters, and fail miserably every time. So let them work it out on their own. I was watching Supernatural, Season 1, where Sam comments to Dean regarding Dean's ex: "So the two of you worked things out, huh?" Dean: "We'll still be working things out when we're 90".

With Cookie we are now in a more peaceful place, which means I would like to have him near more than Vanilla does. With all the struggle, Vanilla would like to have more time with me alone for just relaxing and hanging out. Vanilla found about this great study opportunity some 30 minutes south, but is reluctant to go because that would mean either commuting to school everyday or moving in there part-time. I really think this is what she should be doing with her life, and feel sad to see her let that opportunity go, but the more I push the more she feels I'm trying to drive her away to be with Cookie, which isn't true .
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  #230  
Old 03-07-2012, 07:48 PM
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I have to say, seeing a unicorn and understand what they're going through is really refreshing.

As unicorn 'hunters' (seekers?), we've come across many women who are searching, but it turns out they're attached and just looking for a playmate, something that was left out of a lot of profiles (back when we did some online searching).

Began to lose belief that they existed. Then it sort of clicked, most couples aren't just looking for a unicorn. They've found one (bi, attractive, open to triad chick) and are with them. They're looking for two.

Thank you for writing and sharing!
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