Couple-hunting in Unicornia

[TruckerPete]

Hrm. That sounds suspiciously like what Indigo and I are navigating right now. Thank you for sharing.

[AnnabelMore]

Thanks for posting this, BU, gonna steal some of it to explore thoughts on my own blog...

[BlackUnicorn]

Steal away! I'll post more once I find the time to really articulate all the thoughts I've been having around his text.

In the meanwhile, a small revelation: my recent difficulties with the whole libido thing are not so much disinterest in sex per se, but rather specifically about me not getting it on. It's increasingly difficult for me to become aroused, and the situation is not helped by the fact that I get anxious if I feel I need to perform for the other person to feel good about the encounter and themselves.

I have zero difficulty with making others feel all sugar and spice and all things nice, but my erogenous zones tend to hibernate and shy away from touching. It's still possible for me to become aroused, but I need a reaction from my partner - it doesn't happen on my own, or when I'm the one being touched . And when I'm all dried up and worried about what to say and how to escape the situation, all touching is rather painful.

Luckily, I did manage to talk to Vanilla about this. She had been worried about an imbalance in the time we spend on each other sexually, with her getting the majority of attention and effort. I told her it's immensely liberating to be able to give her pleasure even when I'm not feeling that sexual on my own, and because the pressure is off, I often manage to get in the game myself, too, later in the process.

I'm not suffering the least bit but I do realize this problem-o-mine needs to be addressed if I am to build lasting sexual relationships. I hope the medication will eventually even out, and we managed some small progress with Vanilla already last night, with some non-goal oriented touching, and although it was a bit painful in the end, it didn't dampen the mood. I still feel there's a long way before I feel like even remotely ready to be sexual with anyone else, but progress is progress.

[Minxxa]

BU,

It's great that you're doing some non-goal oriented touching.

Have you looked into sensate focus? Basically, it's just that, non-goal oriented touching, and relaxing with your partner. If you get a chance to google it, I would, I think if nothing else it can be something you can do for each other that should hopefully add no performance anxiety.

[BlackUnicorn]

So it's been awhile. At some point last year I just sort of dropped out of the forum - maybe I was becoming too engrossed with stuff here and it was emotional exhaustion with yet another story of hurt feelings and frustrations and people behaving badly. At least partly I felt there was nothing much to report, with me and Vanilla being sexually monogamous. Last night we stayed over at the place of Vanilla's former FWB, and we had sex, which was fun and sweet and refreshing. I hope he comes to visit us. I still don't have the energy to sex up anyone but Vanilla one-on-one, but in a group setting I can hang back more and wait for my turn without all the intensity I have a hard time building up with anyone else. She and I manage to get it on about every other day, which I find essential for our connection. It also works miracles against stress and crankiness! I feel our relationship rests on a really solid basis. I trust her. While our romantic relationship with Moonlight has ended, I still love and respect him as a friend and enjoy spending time with his children. And I miss Sweetheart terribly, it's been a month since I got to talk to him.

[ray]

Hey, It's good to hear from you! Glad you're doing well. I know what you mean about the emotional exhaustion. It can be draining to read so many stories of people in pain. I have to limit myself to how much I can read of those. Otherwise, it just makes me sad. I feel like I mostly post on the Word Association Game, lol. Are you and Sweetheart still dating?

Since I decided that I was probably going mono, I, too, felt like there 'wasn't much to report.' But I know that I enjoy your posts, so I hope you still come and update sometimes.

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by ray

Are you and Sweetheart still dating?

Not dating per se, since they are still basically monogamous with his wife. But we keep in touch intermittently and I do feel very refreshed and loved after talking to him, no matter how rarely that happens.

Originally Posted by ray

But I know that I enjoy your posts, so I hope you still come and update sometimes.

Likewise!

Just wanted to muse how after the threesome I felt very content and happy to be sleeping with two people in the same bed, cuddling them both. There is something I feel that's very natural and right in a three-people set up, which is something I sorely miss. I know it's not very functional to prize structures over relationships, but if an actual triad opportunity would ever present itself where I would know the participants beforehand and have established relationships with them, I would jump on it. In the meanwhile, I'm happy just to swing three-way, too.

On other news: I'm starting krav maga and salsa this year! I'm in crappy physical condition, so we'll see if I survive.

[BlackUnicorn]

Waking up today I could see immediately that something was bothering Vanilla, and after a bit of probing I learned that she wasn't satisfied by our sex life. Turns out she prefers three-hour-fuck-your-brains-out-sessions twice a week to quickies every other day. I've tried to initiate sex every other day since my libido more than halved, and since she wasn't initiating, I thought we were good on that department. No such luck! However, now I know better. Communication! It works!

In the meanwhile, I'm worried that I am growing over-excited over the possibility of having a man in our lives again. Evidence in favour of me having to take some cold showers to curb my enthusiasm: 1) he lives far away 2) he is skeptical towards the whole poly thang, and doesn't want any of that in his life 3) I barely know him.

On the bright side of life, I just survived my first ever krav maga class!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

I just survived my first ever krav maga class!

Very cool!

[ray]

Congrats on the krav maga class! I hope you get to have many more! what kind of stuff did you get to do?