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  #161  
Old 10-02-2011, 09:23 AM
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Default Monogamy, revisited

My mother greatly enjoys the Brideshead novels. She has also on many times said to me that while you can have all things in life, it is a rare instance to be able to have every single one of them at the same time.

I've discovered that I can't do open right now. No one else turns me on sexually but Vanilla. People I used to feel titillated by, enjoyed engaging with and making love to, no longer arouse me. I can't get wet, I can't orgasm or if I do, it's very painful. I don't want to sleep with anyone else.

Still, I do feel love for other people. The people I have shared my heart with continue to have it, but I cannot be there for them sexually, not even out of compassion (and who wants pity fucks anyway?). It's like my body's shut down completely to anyone else but Vanilla. It's freakish.

(That difficulty coming thing? Entirely me. Actually, it was good I started the bitch and moan on it, because it made me put things in perspective and take a good harsh look at myself, eliminating other possible distractions and realizing it was me who stayed constant.)

So now I am polyamorous but sexually monogamous. It's weird.
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  #162  
Old 10-02-2011, 09:35 AM
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^That's interesting! I can believe it must feel weird. But it's good you've noticed that about yourself. Do you figure it's major NRE effects? How are your other loved ones taking it? I mean, there's propably little you can do about it, and nothing they can, but it must be an adjustment.
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  #163  
Old 10-02-2011, 10:19 AM
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It might be some sort of nest-building instinct. As in "Now we are spending all available time together, having sex, enjoying each other, and these months will be the glue that holds our relationship together when the first gush of infatuation slows down and reality sets in". Like Vanilla said one morning, while preparing my eggs, "I always dreamt of having a goddess of a my own to make omelette for in the morning before she gets up, and now I have it, tra-lalla-lalla-laa!". I bet that in a few years, both my goddess factor and her tra-lallas have decreased a great deal, and instead our mornings will involve in-bed squabbling over who's turn it is to feed the cat ("It's your cat!" "But it's your child too! Don't you love him?" "Not that much"). But we'll have the memories of these times, and maybe that will lend a more tender edge to the squabbling?

I thought it was a orientation thing, me moving further up the scale towards six, but last Friday, I was out with The New Girl, an object of my fantasies for over a year now, and I felt nothing. Not the tiniest stir. Even my fantasy life is pure Vanilla these days .

Funkily enough, also Vanilla has lost interest in other partners, sexual or otherwise. So maybe it's a huge NRE spill-over for both of us. We we're just texting, essentially asking each other if it's really okay that we don't want to do anyone else right now . No changes to our relationship format, we might be mono dykes but we'll be bi poly in spirit!

As for my other loves, I can't speak for them, but I guess it's pretty much "Fuck. Well, there's nothing to do about it now". And things might change. Sadness .
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  #164  
Old 10-02-2011, 12:46 PM
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Hey BU, I just reread your whole thread because I was having a hard time remembering who all you were with. So, here's a list.

Vanilla (female). I don't know how you met her, but it seems you met, fell in love, and moved in together after just a couple months of knowing each other. Full bore NRE in effect, as well as U-Haul Lesbian factor. Vanilla has 2 FWBs, thought she wanted a male Dom, but now is just interested in you.

Moonlight (male) and Windy (female), a married busy couple with kids. You tried sex with Windy (they were supposed to be your dream couple for you as a unicorn), but there wasn't really a spark between the women. Moonlight must be the dude that has trouble cumming when you have sex.

Sweetheart (male) deployed military guy, not much going on there.

Flattie (female), just a friend? Former roommate with you and Vanilla, but she's recently moved away.

The New Girl (f), a few dates, no sex yet because of herpes issue.

But now you're not interested in having sex with anyone but Vanilla... feeling crazy strong NRE and nesting with her is taking up all of your available emotional/sexual energy.
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  #165  
Old 10-02-2011, 04:12 PM
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What a lovely sum-op of my life for the last six months! And I met Vanilla through a guy I was seeing, whose sub she used to be, and the first time I saw her they were sessioning . Totally going to come up with a better story for the grandkids.

Flattie is just a straight friend, and used to be only my flattie, not a shared one with Vanilla. She had severe issues with depression and I took care of her a lot during her bad times.

Sweetheart pretty much disappeared on me for three months, because of his job. Now he's back and there's a major weirdness factor involved.
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  #166  
Old 10-02-2011, 04:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
What a lovely sum-op of my life for the last six months! And I met Vanilla through a guy I was seeing, whose sub she used to be, and the first time I saw her they were sessioning . Totally going to come up with a better story for the grandkids.
hehe. OK, good to know. You say youre not into BDSM, but yet you consider yourself a dom or top, and you met Vanilla at a play party? Hm?

Quote:

Flattie is just a straight friend, and used to be only my flattie, not a shared one with Vanilla. She had severe issues with depression and I took care of her a lot during her bad times.
Oh, Flattie means flatmate. Cultural thing, we don't call them flats here in the US. But did she used to live with you and your mom at yr mom's place before you got the "flat" with Vanilla?


Quote:
Sweetheart pretty much disappeared on me for three months, because of his job. Now he's back and there's a major weirdness factor involved.
Is he back in Finland, or just back emailing? Is it weird, or just sort of uncomfortable? Are there certain expectations he has?
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miss pixi, 37
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  #167  
Old 10-02-2011, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You say youre not into BDSM, but yet you consider yourself a dom or top, and you met Vanilla at a play party? Hm?
Haha, a service top at the very most. I'm not very dominant at all, unless you count a desire to take care of others (sometimes despite their fierce protesting that they do not need taking care of at all! Now shut up and eat your porridge, you'll thank me later! ).

The first play party I ever went to was while Vanilla and I were firmly established as a couple already. The frst session took place in her flat; I was dating this dom and told him that I found BDSM pretty weird, so he offered to show me what a real session looked like, suspecting my preconceptions were a lot wilder than the actual thing, which they were. Some hot threesome action followed later, and after I was finished with the guy, some more hot one-on-one action with Vanilla.

Like one of her playmates said; "If somebody goes so completely into subspace as Vanilla does, it's pretty impossible not to respond with going into top space yourself". But I identify as vanilla with someone I love who is kinky.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Oh, Flattie means flatmate. Cultural thing, we don't call them flats here in the US. But did she used to live with you and your mom at yr mom's place before you got the "flat" with Vanilla?
No, I moved out of my mum's home in 2010, lived for a year sharing a "flat" with Flattie (althought increasingly elsewhere towards the end), and after she moved out, I moved to Vanilla's place. Clear as mud.

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Is he back in Finland, or just back emailing? Is it weird, or just sort of uncomfortable? Are there certain expectations he has?
Back emailing. I think the only way he is ever going to come home is feet first. And I don't say this to begrudge him, I knew what I was getting into all along. I think the weirdness comes from him sort of expecting us to pick up right from where we left, and me going "wtf? I had reconciled myself to thinking you were dead! I thought myself a fucking pseudo-widow for three months, and now I'm supposed to continue a relationship with a dead guy?".

(I know of a girl btw who, whenever serious relationship issues/threat of break-up arise, convinces herself that the person they are struggling with is actually dead, deleting them from every single communication technology they posses and mourning for their demise. And it's really weird if they eventually reconcile, because she still believes they're dead somehow .)
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  #168  
Old 10-02-2011, 06:16 PM
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Since somebody pointed out to me recently that my perspective on relationships might be somewhat problematic, I'm going to very briefly explain myself, which hopefully may shed some light on my issues, or not.

When I spoke of my definition of true love as something that has no issues, I chose my words carelessly. My definition of "true love" is love that accepts even those features of someone's personality and identity that are uncomfortable or difficult for oneself, instead of wishing that they might magically change in order to be truly lovable and good partnership material.

So mayhap I should have phrased it somewhere along the lines of "true love for me means that there are no fundamental issues that can never be solved without the other person experiencing a major personality make-over and suddenly starting to want all the same things as I do". In my first ever relationship this was what actually became a major obstruction, both of us feeling that if the other would just change a teeny-weeny bit for me, because if they love me, they would at least try, right? I would be less sex-crazed and he less flaky. No, I still think if you love somebody, you don't need them to change. Otherwise it's not so much true love as infatuation with a fantasy future you think you are going to have with this person if they would just be a little less themselves.

And this, btw, has nothing to do with my recent sexual shutdown.

I was told that this attitude basically forces the person I'm with to keep their mouth shut about any problems, no matter how small, in the fear that I will dumb them. Which isn't true. Fundamental incompatibility is not the same thing as putting the dishes from the washer to all the wrong places. Behaviour can be changed but the true core of someone should just be accepted as it is.

If orgasms are not as important to someone, although they are to me, it's cool - that's my shit to deal with, and yet another lesson that not everyone thinks the way I do. Especially if they come with other people but not me, it's with me, not them, that the pseudo-problem lies. I think most people struggle with really trying to see other people's point of view, which is why communication is so crucial.

And now I think I should finally try to send my research proposal onwards.
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  #169  
Old 10-03-2011, 01:04 AM
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hmmm, the girl the pretends people are dead...that's very interesting. I think there is some psychological effectiveness to that. Really allowing yourself to drop it and move on. I can see how that would make for strange reunions though. Perhaps it helps her not get back into destructive things? I'm starting to realize that I like to distance myself pretty far from something/someone if it doesn't work out, especially if it ends pretty badly. In fact, last night, I had a dream that Nurse and his girltoy got eaten by a bear. I thought maybe it was a sign that I should consider them dead to me (long story). :P

I can see how you would feel strange picking things up with Sweetheart. Does he understand how weird it feels for you? I would have a hard time knowing that that might happen again. :/ I suppose you'll have to sort through that but I'm finding for me that consistency is such a wonderful thing and I'm beginning to filter out the things and people that are inconsistent/disruptive. Military relationships definitely have some unique challenges. My sister's husband is in the army and I know that there's a lot to consider before committing to those. I am pretty (personally) opposed to long distance so I'm not sure I'd be that open to dating military guys but lots of people find ways to make it work and have beautiful relationships.
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  #170  
Old 10-03-2011, 04:03 AM
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. . . I had a dream that Nurse and his girltoy got eaten by a bear. I thought maybe it was a sign that I should consider them dead to me (long story). :P
Haha, Ray, maybe you were the bear in your dream!

BU, just wondering (I might've missed this): how old are you?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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