Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #131  
Old 08-25-2011, 08:57 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Also, I'm not a fan of OPP (what if you suddenly sprout a penis, would she need to break up with you?) but I can see being lenient with them. As I recently described on my blog, my lovers have had a checkered past with poly. Mistakes are natural, it's all in whether you're willing/able to learn from them...
Now you made me worried for sudden unbidden and unwelcome sprouts affecting my love life !

But yes, it's easy to look down on struggling people and go "Why don't they get a grip already? Why bother if it's so difficult?" instead of cultivating empathy.

Yesterday I had a big reminder about the need to cultivate empathy further within myself. Flattie's new potential was visiting us for "Meet the family" date. Accidentally, he and I used to attend the same year class in the same high school. We never talked during that time and now went over high school years, people we used to know, what kind of impressions we had of each other during high school etc.

During the evening, he went several times; "You make people wary. I mean, you are so blunt and highly analytical, and say the most outrageous things. You make me uncomfortable. I constantly try to monitor what I say and do, because I know you are mentally taking my stock and forming an opinion of me that you will give in another company soon enough".

Flattie tried to defend me by saying I'm just very honest and direct, and he countered with "There is a difference between direct and rude". She admitted her first impression of me was of someone who was very arrogant and prone to making snide remarks of people.

During the night, I made a comment upon a mutual friend of ours, calling her quite stupid. And I immediately realized what the two of them were going on about. I am rather horrible to other people. Quick to pass judgement and force my opinion on others. And it's not something I want to be .

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A quick text convo with Flattie produced the following insights;
1) I need to stop using words like 'stupid', 'whore/slut/tart', 'gay' etc. that are loaded with a whole lot of negative history, just like I don't use racial slurs to describe somebody belonging to a different ethnic group from mine.
2) I need to stop equating "not sharing my world view/interests" with "stupid".
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower

Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 08-25-2011 at 09:46 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #132  
Old 09-08-2011, 07:32 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Okay, a while since I posted. Recent updates;

Flattie has now moved out. Mum and I spent five and a half hours cleaning out the apartment. In some places, the rot had gotten so deep it had affected the paint, and we had to toss everything out of the fridge because it was just so vile, but I think we covered most of the damage well enough. Anyway, seeing the state the place was in made me a tad worried about her new life down south .

The results of my smear test came back - I scored both BV and benign changes in the cellular make-up of my cervix. So now I both have to deal with dis-gust-ing treatment plan and regular check-ups .

We had a lovely vacation with Vanilla. In the hostel I also got talking with an American fellow-traveller (well, Vanilla and I actually left the hostel every day, so we were technically not real travellers ), and just casually mentioned "my girlfriend". So we chatted away about our lives and crazy exes and so on, and later he asked me, at another mention of Vanilla, if the two of us were "together". "Yeah, we are together, as in a couple, dating, planning to get married together" I went, and even crossed my fingers in a gesture I hoped conveyed togetherness. "Yeah, that's what I originally thought, but then you started talking about your boyfriend, and I got confused." "EX-boyfriend." "Yeah, I figured, one way or another he had to be."

At that point I could have launched on an educative rant about bisexuality and poly, but decided it was not worthwile. I was happy though later, when a local guy asked us if we were a couple, as in lesbians, and we went yes to couple, not to lesbians - that we are both more bisexual. Yay for bi visibility!

Interestingly enough, a former Soviet country with a track record of homophobia wasn't a least bit hostile to our hand-holding and kissing in public. And only once were we served with separate bills in a restaurant. I'm impressed!
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #133  
Old 09-08-2011, 04:42 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 496
Default

The medical stuff sounds less-than-fun

But glad you guys had such a lovely vacation!!
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #134  
Old 09-08-2011, 05:30 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,556
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
And only once were we served with separate bills in a restaurant. I'm impressed!
Jeesh - It always takes an act of congress to get separate checks around here (unless you are at separate tables) and they are usually wrong.
Reply With Quote
  #135  
Old 09-25-2011, 12:15 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Last night we talked a lot about sex in the spiritual group I'm now temporarily leading due to Flattie's move-out. It's all-girls, so we got pretty graphic. Major sex myths, like the "all women prefer stimulation orally or manually compared to intercourse", were busted. I was also asked, if forced to choose, whether I would only have sex with other women or with men for the rest of my life, and if there was a difference between the two to my mind.

I would choose girls, mainly because with men, sex tends to be more scripted, with a clear "story-arch" from beginning to the end. It doesn't have to be that way but often is. Also, with men, sex tends to revolve very much around penises and their functioning. Not that there is nothing wrong with that, but I tend to feel there isn't a lot I can do to bring pleasure to my partners - it's more laying back and having things done unto me, and if for whatever reason Mr. Downbelow isn't up for it, there is little to do.

With women, you can prolong things indefinitely, and everyone can pretty much come as often as they would like. With Vanilla, on average, we both come around six times. With women, sex is a lot more orgasmic and centered on coming in different ways for as long as possible, whereas with men, it's more about hanging out and passing the time in a pleasant way for me. The intensity levels are just different.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #136  
Old 09-26-2011, 01:04 AM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

Hmm, that's very interesting. I'm still learning about sex so I always enjoy hearing explanations of things. The organic experience you're describing with women sounds like a lot of fun. Makes me wish I were interested in sex with women! Maybe someday I will be. I like your nickname for penises, tehe. Part of me does worry that I will feel sort of purposeless in sex with men. Just laying there... having things done to you. I'm sure I'll figure something out but it's definitely something I've wondered about. Feeling useless... Lol.
Reply With Quote
  #137  
Old 09-26-2011, 01:59 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
Part of me does worry that I will feel sort of purposeless in sex with men. Just laying there... having things done to you. I'm sure I'll figure something out but it's definitely something I've wondered about. Feeling useless... Lol.
It's not like that at all! Trust me, hips are magical things.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 09-26-2011 at 02:04 AM. Reason: clarified quote
Reply With Quote
  #138  
Old 09-26-2011, 02:35 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,232
Default

This is more directed at Ray than at you, BU, but frankly I'm puzzled by your description of sex with men. In my experience it can easily involve just as much play, biting, licking, sucking, touching, rubbing, tussling, nuzzling, etc as sex with women. And why all the emphasis on lying there when you can just as easily jump on top and ride off into the orgasmic sunset? Or take turns, try it doggie style, try it spooning, alternate penetrative sex with oral sex, etcetc.

It's true that a man will have the whole refractory period thing going on, but if he's willing to be patient and hold off on his own climax, there's no reason the pleasure can't be extended for both of you for a good long while. This, of course, assumes a man with enough knowledge of his sexual response to know when to tell you to stop stimulating him for a bit when he's getting close to orgasm and who also has enough self control to want to do so in the moment. Mmmmm. Generally even if they don't start out with sufficient amounts of those two qualities, they can be trained!
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #139  
Old 09-26-2011, 03:31 AM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

I was a bit puzzled by that myself, Annabel. Maybe I'm just lucky, but both of my guys are very attentive to my needs and I usually have to beg them to let me take a breather because I'm getting too sensitive. One of the main reasons that Wendigo and I got together was because he loves giving oral and Pretty Lady isn't that into it. Even when she and I are together, there is very little oral stimulation below the belt.
Reply With Quote
  #140  
Old 09-26-2011, 09:37 PM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

In my defense, I'm a virgin. So I have yet to experience sex with either gender. I'm not denying that sex with men could be interesting. That has just been one of my fears. I certainly plan to make sex with my partners as interesting as possible. I just haven't had the chance yet.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
break up, couples, jealousy, nre, triad fallout/vee, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:20 AM.