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  #1  
Old 06-15-2014, 03:39 AM
Sigyn Sigyn is offline
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Default Am I being too kind?

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Last edited by Sigyn; 06-15-2014 at 06:58 AM.
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Old 06-15-2014, 04:59 AM
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From an open but otherwise monogamous relationship
What do you mean by this? How are you both open and monogamous? Those concepts would seem to have opposite meanings.

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I'm doing all this research, and I seem to be discovering that when this happened (hubby falling in love with another woman) we reinvented the wheel on polyamory, and appear to be doing it perfectly so far. But I'm just wondering if I'm putting myself too much into this.
There's no guide book on how to have polyamorous relationships, so only you can decide if you are too involved in his search for an outside lover. If your feeling is that you have both reinvented polyamory while somehow getting it perfect then I'm guessing you should keep doing what you're doing.

Where is your doubt stemming from?
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:33 AM
Sigyn Sigyn is offline
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:56 AM
london london is offline
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Ok, firstly, are you sure that this woman is bisexual and interested in you? If not, don't be so sure that she is going to want that kind of intimacy with you.

Secondly, you getting so involved with people that may date your husband is a bit weird. Why are you discussing everything you know about polyamory? It should be between your husband and her, not you.

If your husband is going to be dating other people, let him actually form these relationships and you take a step back. What you're doing is trying to control what's going on in an attempt to stop it hurting you. That won't work.

Stop thinking of your husband as a possession you're sharing and more as an individual who has chosen to share his life with you and is now choosing to share his life with someone else. Maybe then you'll feel less right to be so heavily involved.
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:59 AM
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We were open but monogamous, in the sense that we were both cool with the other having (safe) sexual relations outside of the marriage. (Either separate or together, in a casual, temporary sense.)
I get you. For the sake of efficiency you might take a look at the glossary hosted on this board to get a better understanding regarding the terminology confusion on my end.

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This is different, because we're considering dating, and then bringing this person INTO the marriage, if all turns out to be compatible.
This sounds like you are going for what is often called a triad or triangle arrangement. These relationships can work (and some successful examples are members on this board) but the only examples I've seen didn't start the way you are proposing.

If a triad happens to unfold before your eyes and it's something everyone is willing to embrace, it has a chance. However, the idea of taking a third human and trying to jam them into a three person relationship (which is what you are suggesting) is profoundly unlikely to work. The fact that this person is apparently a stranger makes the odds against success astronomical.

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I barely know this woman, and though I think she is sweet, I am hereby willing to take the shirt off my back, open my home, and share my husband, because I love him, and he loves her. I've never before considered myself bisexual, but I'm opening my mind to making my very sexuality flexible in regards to her -- so my very sense of self is now in flux. Maybe it's because the concept of compersion is new to me, and I'm worried...
I get that you're excited and are trying to be open minded and to embrace this new worldview, but what you said here sounds totally bonkers. This person is a stranger and you are going to try to switch your sexual orientation and bring them into your home and existing marriage to be a part of a theoretical triad... I wouldn't identify that as being "too kind" or intensely logical, as you've described.

My suggestion is to take a deep breath and slow way, way, way down. I would stop working toward a theoretical relationship and start working with what actually exists. You have a new acquaintance to get to know, maybe start there.
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Old 06-15-2014, 06:02 AM
Sigyn Sigyn is offline
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Old 06-15-2014, 06:10 AM
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You know what, never mind. You're passing judgements rather than asking questions. I shouldn't have asked.
That's a shame.

What you're trying to set up is actually extremely common and has a high failure rate, so hearing what other people have to say about what you're attempting might have been helpful.

When you share your opinions on the worldwide web there is a pretty high chance that someone might disagree with you and express it. Sharing ideas and hearing opinions which conflict our own can be healthy in sussing out the validity of said ideas. *shrug*
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Old 06-15-2014, 06:12 AM
KerryRen KerryRen is offline
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How careful should I be to protect myself? Because at this stage, I'm not. At all.
What are you protecting yourself _from_? Figure that out, and you'll probably determine how careful you should be.

I get the feeling that you're uncertain, not just about how you're feeling, but perhaps about how your husband is feeling about you. You seem quite sure he loves Sweetie -- is it raising doubts that he loves you? Or is it something else?

I would advise proceeding at a pace everyone is comfortable with. That is, do not start the moving process right away. Not everyone can live -- or even interact -- with their metamour. Not all relationships thrive under live-in conditions.

Don't feel obliged to close the triangle if you don't _want_ to -- if you like her and are attracted to her, and she feels the same toward you, then proceed, but don't feel you have to hop into bed with her or do a threesome because she's also in a relationship with your husband. A triad can seem like the ideal... but ideals have a hard time in reality.

Be prepared for the storms of NRE, but remember that they do pass eventually.
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Old 06-15-2014, 06:29 AM
Sigyn Sigyn is offline
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Old 06-15-2014, 06:35 AM
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If anyone else has anything helpful to say, I'd be glad to hear it. If anyone else is going to accuse me of being bonkers, please keep your judgements to yourselves.
lol I love the internet. "Bonkers" is the only thing you got out of that entire post? Your loss
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