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Old 06-10-2014, 09:35 AM
WhiteTulips WhiteTulips is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Wow, thank you for your thoughts everyone. I truly took something from every reply and am still considering everything that's been said. It definitely made me feel more sane! Glad I'm not alone in my perception of the situation.

FullofLove1052: therapy is something I'm very interested in, and he has agreed to go. The problem is finding a poly friendly therapist... We live in the bible belt, and not in a very big city either. I'd rather not rush into it and have a super bad experience but I'm hoping I'll find someone soon. You may be right that there is something lost in the communication. I feel like I'm asking the right questions but they may not click with him or maybe just make him feel defensive. Hopefully therapy can help with this.

GalaGirl: He would prefer us to date as a couple, or not at all. He doesn't particularly want to date but is dead set against me doing it alone. You are right about us dancing around the tough stuff until it's basically too late and that is definitely something I will think about regarding all aspects of the relationship. Your post was very thought-provoking, so thank you for that and also for the links! I skimmed them and hope they will be helpful.

LoveBunny: this really resonated with me, thank you. I will definitely keep your words in mind going forward. All else considered I will probably use the idea of giving him a set timeframe, hopefully after we get into therapy so that there is an outlet to work through feelings.

Thanks again to everyone who posted, I really appreciate the different perspectives.

Last edited by WhiteTulips; 06-10-2014 at 09:37 AM.
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,813

What is it about you dating alone that triggers? Is he worried you will get hurt? He will not be known? What about him coming for the first meet up so the other person knows he exists? Could keep talking there.

If he really does not want to date, what does him dating and being there solve for him? What is is his need? Could it be solved another way? Could he circle?


Counseling wise I do not know if this could help with its links...


If part of the problem lays in communication style, maybe talking with sheets helps make it less aggressive/defensive. Then you can just mark where you leave off. You do not have to do it all in one go. And it is only a sheet if paper. You could ask if he is willing to read it together and talk.




Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-10-2014 at 12:55 PM.
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Old 06-15-2014, 04:25 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hi WhiteTulips,

Sorry you're stuck in such a crappy dilemma.

I hate to bandy about the D word, but ... divorce?

In particular, divorce *before* any children arrive on the scene.

The guy strung you along, subjecting you (by surprise degrees) to his heavy-handed training course of turning you into a properly monogamous wife. You "failed the course," he's pissed, and he wants to start you on a new training course (the "Unicorn Training Course").

Re (from OP):
"I have considered forcing the issue (I'm going on a date tonight, how you respond is your choice) but I'm not sure if it's that dire yet. He said before that he would never leave me because of my polyness, but I know he'd be hurt."
That's emotional blackmail. "You'll be guilty of hurting me if you do what you want to do, even though you told me from the beginning it was what you wanted -- yea even required." Worse yet, "You'll rob me of my happiness if you don't let me possess and control you." I guess that's what he's always wanted from the beginning (that was necessary to his happiness).

"I am afraid of compromising with him, that if I start out by doing what he's okay with then it will completely shut the door for us to reexamine this later and he will accuse me of trying to move the goalposts."
Accuse you?? This would be coming from the guy who's the master of moving goalposts.

Re (from bookbug):
"At the worst, he lied to you, and at the least he lied to himself about his ability to deal with poly."
Either way, the lies issued from him, belong to him, and are his responsibility. If I hit a pedestrian in my car, I don't get off the hook just because it was an accident. Responsible people take responsibility for their own goof-ups, regardless of whether they intended to goof up.

Re (from LoveBunny):
"I'd give him one more warning, as in 'Honey, in five months I am going to start looking for a man to date. Do your inner work, and let's work out some guidelines, so you can be okay with the situation.'"
Go LoveBunny!

"I'm sure he hoped he'd relax into it, but now it's clear one of you isn't going to get what you want."

"I know he says he'll never leave you because of polyamory, but what if he makes both your lives hell because he's miserable and resentful and the marriage disintegrates?"

Re: tips for how to help a mono person be less threatened by sharing ... are all well and good if the mono person is willing to *try.* From what I'm reading, your husband is far from willing to try. If he wants to open up about what specific concerns he has about polyamory, then we can possibly start addressing those concerns.

I suppose it never hurts to try poly-friendly therapy. Just don't have any kids in the meantime -- please. Keep your options open.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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