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  #1  
Old 06-09-2014, 07:53 PM
sadesh75 sadesh75 is offline
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Default help understanding

Good day all,

I need help. My boyfriend and I have been in a a rocky, monogamous relationship for 4years. The thing that causes the rockiness is he cheats. He feels he isn't because he has expressed his need to have 2 women to me although do not agree. What need help with is understanding if he is polyamory or just selfish...I think I can accept one but not the other.

I've read alot on polyamory and I feel he is not. He talks of needing someone else while I am away to visit my family and terminally ill father. I'm never gone more than a week and he's more than welcome to come but doesn't want to. He also feels this way when I go on business trips again only a week. If I am not with him constantly meeting his needs, he says he needs another woman...however,if I neglect me to give to him and meet his needs, he's content. Until my father got ill, I only traveled 2 to 3 weeks out of year. My boyfriend is hypersexual needing sex every day and multiple times in a day...not sure good matters but it's info. Is this a typical of polyamory to need another person while your partner is away? I try to explain an losing out to when I'm away but he doesn't care to hear that.

He says he has always wanted 2 women and has ruined his marriage and several relationships because of his desire to have 2 women...however, he does not want the women to have other men. I feel like an object and in his eyes, I'm only here to serve him. As long as I'm perfect, we have no problems but I'm human and get sick, tired, etc.

I do know he likes redundancy and is afraid of being alone. I know from his childhood, he has abandonment issues. He is also controlling with me and his daughters... It's his way or no way...although oddly,he thinks I'm controlling when all I ever do is ask him what he wants.

Is this online with polyamory? From what I read,it doesn't sound like it.

I love him but confused on what he is. If it's polyamory, I may be able to accept it. If he's just a jerk, then I have a decision to make.

By the way, did I mention he's deceitful too even when confronted with pics, he denies it.



Any help or ideas out there?
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  #2  
Old 06-09-2014, 08:05 PM
london london is offline
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He can be poly and selfish. That sounds close to your description of him.
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  #3  
Old 06-09-2014, 08:35 PM
KerryRen KerryRen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sadesh75 View Post
e
I love him but confused on what he is. If it's polyamory, I may be able to accept it. If he's just a jerk, then I have a decision to make.
He can be both. And it's up to you on how you choose to handle it. He's open about wanting two women in his life. That can be polyamourous. However, he's going behind your back about it, if I'm reading correctly. That's cheating, and a poor foundation for a polyamourous relationship with anyone.

His need to have someone with him all the time, well, that's a personality quirk that can have deeper roots (as you noted). Some people are like that, poly or mono.
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  #4  
Old 06-09-2014, 11:36 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sadesh75 View Post

however, he does not want the women to have other men.
This is hypocrisy which is a sign of a self-centered jerk.

As for the rest,
What came to my mind was this;

You say you love HIM.
But do you love HIM or do you love a part of him or a vision of him that doesn't include his jerk behavior?
Because we don't ever talk about love that way-but there IS a difference.
And that difference matters, because if you love what you see as "his potential" if he weren't being a jerk, that isn't loving him-that's loving what you envision which is wholly different and a good sign you shouldn't be with him. Especially since he isn't interested in living up to that potential.

Also, loving someone doesn't mean dating them necessarily. I love my ex-girlfriend. But she needs monogamy, that's who she is. So I am not with her. I love her enough to let her be happy and whole with a woman who can give her what she needs. I need poly, that's who I am. Therefore, I can't be the woman to give her what she needs.

I also love my ex-boyfriend. He's capable of handling poly with no issue. However, in other ways we are incompatible. I have children and while he enjoys hanging out with them, he isn't interested in raising children. We remain friends and enjoy time together, but we aren't compatible as partners.

My point is-even if you do love HIM and not just your perception of who he could be if he wasn't being a jerk, that doesn't necessarily mean that you are compatible and should be together.

Finally; I find it more useful to consider what is your idea of a great life? Does it include a partner who is controlling?
Does it include a poly dynamic?
Does it include being limited in your ability to travel?
Etc.

&
Does his presence in your life help you to be a better, stronger, more significantly wonderful version of yourself or does his presence make you less?
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:03 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You don't get to decide whether he is poly or not, but he does sound like a bit of a selfish jerk regardless. Four years is a long time to be putting up with the kind of betrayal and bullshit he's been handing you. Why would you stay even a minute longer? You two are obviously incompatible.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #6  
Old 06-10-2014, 01:46 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from OP):
Quote:
"The thing that causes the rockiness is he cheats."
Cheating = not cool. (Especially when it's a persistent pattern.)

Re:
Quote:
"He says he has always wanted two women ..."
This is a real thing: a fantasy that some people really have. (Some guys even have two women. I know of a couple of FMF V's.)

Re:
Quote:
"What I need help with is understanding if he is polyamorous or just selfish ..."
He might be both ... though I suppose we could argue that selfishness and polyamory don't mix any more than do cheating and polyamory.

Re:
Quote:
"He talks of needing someone else while I am away to visit my family and terminally ill father. I'm never gone more than a week and he's more than welcome to come but doesn't want to."
He might be declining in order to fabricate an excuse for his two-woman fantasy.

Re:
Quote:
"If I am not with him constantly meeting his needs, he says he needs another woman ... however, if I neglect me to give to him and meet his needs, he's content."
You mean like having sex with him even when you don't feel like it?

Re:
Quote:
"My boyfriend is hypersexual needing sex every day and multiple times in a day ..."
It's possible that's another way of fabricating an excuse for his two-woman fantasy. Purposely demanding more sex than you feel like having.

On the other hand, some people do crave sex multiple times per day. Doesn't necessarily mean they're hypersexual. Just means they want more sex than perhaps how much sex you or I want. I mean, hypersexual literally means "too much sex," but how does one determine how much is too much? If two people both want sex multiple times per day, then they might be a good match for each other.

Re:
Quote:
"Is this a typical of polyamory to need another person while your partner is away?"
Polyamory comes in so many shapes and sizes that it's hard to say what's typical in polyamory. However, sure, sometimes a person might turn to a second partner while their first partner is out of town or what have you.

Re:
Quote:
"He says he has always wanted two women and has ruined his marriage and several relationships because of his desire to have two women ... however, he does not want the women to have other men."
Uh oh: That's not cool at all. If he gets two women, then you get two men. Period. Don't stand for that kind of double standard, not for a minute.

Re:
Quote:
"I feel like an object and in his eyes, I'm only here to serve him."
Doesn't sound like a good relationship to be in!

Re:
Quote:
"He is also controlling with me and his daughters ..."
Jeezh! That sounds kinda scary.

Re:
Quote:
"Is this in line with polyamory? From what I read, it doesn't sound like it."
Okay, for argument's sake, let's suppose for a moment that it is in line with polyamory. Does that really make it more desirable? Sucky behavior is sucky behavior, whether you "can" call it polyamory or not. What you can call something is not what makes it desirable.

Re:
Quote:
"I love him but confused on what he is. If it's polyamory, I may be able to accept it. If he's just a jerk, then I have a decision to make."
Well the jury's out on whether one can be a polyamorous jerk. Many people would say that you can't be a polyamorous cheater, so I don't know whether that's true of being a jerk as well. But like I said, does it matter? If he's a jerk, you have a decision to make regardless of whether he's also poly, don't you? Why stay with a jerk regardless of whether he's poly?

Re:
Quote:
"By the way, did I mention he's deceitful too; even when confronted with pics, he denies it."
So, then, he is a cheater and a liar -- a bad liar.

He's not necessarily lying about wanting two women. That may be an actual fantasy of his, and this being a poly forum, you have to expect us to be okay with that. However, some of the other stuff he does isn't too cool, especially the cheating and telling you not to have two men.

I'm not sure whether to call him poly. I guess there's nothing in the standard definition that forbids it, so I'll tentatively say yes, you could call him poly. But you could also call him a jerk and that would easily be just as true.

My vote is to break up with him, but you need to do what you feel is the right thing. The life it affects is yours. I'm just some guy on the internet.

Good luck and I hope you get this stuff figured out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #7  
Old 06-10-2014, 01:45 PM
sadesh75 sadesh75 is offline
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Default Thank you all!

Thank you for your posts.

I think I needed to hear what strangers who are poly had to say. I am generally an open minded person. I would be willing to accept and even consider an alternative lifestyle if I thought it was fair (equal. I have unsuccessfully tried to give him a threesome. I however don't think I can handle selfish very well. All I have read on poly is that it's not supposed to be selfish so hence my question and post. But, as pointed out, you can be poly and selfish. Thank you again.
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  #8  
Old 06-10-2014, 05:26 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Glad we could help; let us know how things turn out okay?
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