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Old 05-30-2014, 01:16 AM
CheeseBiscuit CheeseBiscuit is offline
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Default Loss of intimate feelings

Hi everyone,

I'll try to keep this short, but also include enough to pre-empt any questions; we'll see if I can do that.

When my wife and I met about 7 years ago, one of the things we talked about as we were dating was open relationships and polyamory and that we'd been both the cheaters and cheatees in prior relationships, and how much more clear it would be to be in a relationship like that. We said that when the time came, we'd talk about it and make it happen.

Fast forward to a few months ago - we've been married 3 years now, and our relationship is great and talk returns to opening it up. Honestly, I knew it would be her that would be the driving force for this, and that's ok - there are some things I need to be led into, and some things I can take the lead on.

She asked if it would be OK to submit a CL ad for a BDSM play partner (in the beginning of our relationship she was solidly bottom, but her desire to top had been growing throughout our relationship). I said, sure, let's do this.

It didn't take long till she had a few coffee dates lined up, and met one guy that was just great - instant chemistry. I was very excited for her, and they soon began having a weekly date. Eventually things began to drift away from a strict BDSM play style, and eventually they had sex. I wasn't really prepared for this, and even though I knew it was bound to happen, it still left me panicked. We talked about it, and confirmed our feelings for each other, and I felt a lot better. So much better, that I suggested they take a long Saturday vacation.

Terrible mistake.

Enter the first panic attack of my life. The morning she was to leave, I freaked out and *almost* said, "Fuck no. Don't go." But I didn't. They went and had a good time, but it was terrible gut wrenching pain for me.

After that we talked and talked, and I read all about my broken refrigerator and we found a great local poly-friendly therapist and things were really looking up. The next few weeks passed without much incident with much love being spread around. I heard more and more about her partner and he sounds like a great guy, and one I'd really like to meet (but she's a little hesitant on that since I've been somewhat of a mess). Our sex life (which hadn't really been suffering in any way) picked up to a fever pitch - I was riding (no pun intended) on her new found excitement - it was great!

Then, this past date night earlier this week, she was running a little late, so I helped her get ready by picking out a nice dress, and got her toys out and kissed her and she left. I was truly riding on a "I can do this!" high. Then, as the hours passed, I started feeling more and more anxious and annoyed and frustrated and all those happy things. I found stuff to do around the house to keep me occupied (we have a kid, so I'm needed at home during her dates), games to play, things to read, but I still couldn't shake it.

When she got home, I vented about how terrible I felt and that suddenly, after all this, I hated the fact she was having sex with someone else. Hated. I've been withdrawn and our normally intimate relationship has turned into roomates sharing a bed (note: this is all my doing). We've talked about it, and I'm really trying to pull myself out of this funk, but I can't do it. I don't feel like snuggling (which, with me, is totally alien), and let's not even think about sex - no fucking way (no pun, again).

I need some help. I go see our therapist tomorrow morning, and I'm hoping for some great insight, but if anyone has some advice or hints, I'd love to hear them. I'm so afraid I'm going to fuck this all up and push her away, and I will if I keep this bullshit up.

Oh, if it matters, I'm male, late 40s, the wife is female, mid 30s and her partner is male, mid 40s.

Thanks.

Last edited by CheeseBiscuit; 05-30-2014 at 03:15 AM.
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Old 05-30-2014, 02:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Quote:
When she go home, I vented about how terrible I felt and that suddenly, after all this, I hated the fact she was having sex with someone else. Hated. I've been withdrawn and our normally intimate relationship has turned into roomates sharing a bed (note: this is all my doing).
What sorts of thoughts were you thinking / telling yourself at this time? Is there anything about poly hell being experienced? Are you getting the "beforecare" or "aftercare" that you need to connect/reconnect before and after she spends time with her new BF?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-30-2014 at 06:14 AM.
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Old 05-30-2014, 02:48 AM
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graviton graviton is offline
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I congratulate you. You should be very proud of yourself for doing something that very few people can do so early in the game. Namely you are taking responsibility for your feelings and not blaming her for them. Perhaps you can come to terms with the relationship better if you were to spend some time with your metamour. Have you decided if you are going to look for another relationship of your own?
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Old 05-30-2014, 03:11 AM
CheeseBiscuit CheeseBiscuit is offline
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Thanks for the quick responses, y'all.

We just had a good talk about it, and about how me pushing her away was going to work if I kept it up, and I realized that had been my modus operandi in previous closed relationships when things started going wrong (usually involving cheating). I fell into my old trap of, "Oh, she wants someone else, it must mean she's going to leave - I better make her leave me so I don't have to break up with her" idiocy. Thankfully my wife doesn't put up with that kind of bullshit and reminded me, "You're an adult; this isn't high school. Let's work on a better method of handling your feelings."

So, all is well. Tears were shed, laughs were had, and (yay!) real, honest, loving hugs again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Are you getting the "beforecare" or "aftercare" that you need to connect/reconnect before she spends time with her new BF?
I am. She's absolutely wonderful about making me feel loved, however in this case it was *me* that was refusing the aftercare. Totally my fault.

Thanks for the link, too. The more I read, the more I realize that others have been here before and it helps a lot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
I congratulate you. You should be very proud of yourself for doing something that very few people can do so early in the game. Namely you are taking responsibility for your feelings and not blaming her for them. Perhaps you can come to terms with the relationship better if you were to spend some time with your metamour. Have you decided if you are going to look for another relationship of your own?
Thanks much! I'm working really hard at this since it's really important for her now, and at some point (to segue to your question) for me. Since this is still the rough road for me, I don't think it would be fair to invite someone else in since I don't want them to just be an emotion dump.
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Old 05-30-2014, 06:16 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
Thankfully my wife doesn't put up with that kind of bullshit and reminded me, "You're an adult; this isn't high school. Let's work on a better method of handling your feelings."
Very true. A large part of it is emotional management.

Quote:
I fell into my old trap of, "Oh, she wants someone else, it must mean she's going to leave - I better make her leave me so I don't have to break up with her" idiocy.
Maybe these links could help too?

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Galagirl
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