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  #21  
Old 05-23-2014, 02:55 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
... On the bit about not dating other people, the reason I wont ask him is he is seeing no one besides me, so its not fair to be working on relationship with my spouse and tellin him to have no one else. But yes, it would reduce my stress greatly.
It really is ok to ask for something...as long as it is ok if the answer is "no" (if "no" is not an acceptable answer then you are not asking...you are demanding.)

A few months after Dude starting dating Lotus, and after I became involved with her as well (independently) she expressed a preference/made a request that we "close" to new partners while we were learning how to be with each other...so as not to add the stress of NRE/new relationships to our already complicated dynamic. Dude and I agreed that that would be wise/acceptable...to be re-evaluated at a future date.

No such requests were made of MrS and TT - the "ends" of the W...Lotus and I agreed that it would be unfair to ask that of them as they, at that time, were only involved with their spouses - also that they are such "slow" movers that we didn't feel that asking them to restrict anything about their interactions would be fair,

So, the three of us (Dude, Lotus, me) have been "closed" (to NEW partners - standing relationships or new interactions within our W being exempt) for the time being. During this "closed" time - Lotus and MrS have been slowly figuring out there own "thing" and TT and I have established our own metamour/FB relationship. I think that we are approaching the point where where we have to discuss the "closed" aspect again. Not for myself or her but I think Dude would feel better allowing the possibility of new interactions, should they arise. (He has a higher sex drive than the rest of us combined - but has an aversion to NSA sex).

Due to an unfortunate, sad, untimely and unexpected trauma in the life of Lotus and TT, this is not the time to discuss it...but it is going to happen soon. There are a few people on Lotus's "messy people" list that, I think, are reasonable to exclude (although Dude may disagree...which is his right). One of the great things about our paramour/metamour/what-ever-amour dynamic is that every single person genuinely cares about the feelings of everyone else...and is able to disagree without being confrontational/dismissive. God...that feels good. I love being involved, to whatever degree, with such honest and empathetic individuals.

More info = more better. If delivered with compassion, even a controvertial opinion can be heard...

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #22  
Old 05-23-2014, 01:52 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Thanks for sharing Jane!! I did discuss it with Nudge and we agree for just right now, to be re-evaluated later, he would continue to look for and pursue new interactions with people but keep it non romantic/sexual for the time being. So even if he wants to meet new women, they would have to know its a friends period until things smooth out a little.

he also was really great at realizing that I deal with much of his "messy" stuff and he chooses to pick and chose if he deals with mine (mainly, my children). Hes going to start trying to experience some of the harder parenting aspects (like dinner and bedtime) with me which I greatly appreciate he will experience a little more of my life.

Hubs and I talked...we are totally cooling it off right now. No sex...minimal relationship talk...we are mad at each other, both know the reasons, and want some times to ourselves before we reconvene. most important is the kids. it kinda stinks with it like this, but may be good for both of us
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  #23  
Old 05-23-2014, 03:49 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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It sounds like you are making progress.

If you want to make Nudge a primary he is going to have to learn to accept your children. If you were just casual then he wouldn't have to "deal" with them.

Expect and enforce your kids good behavior. Do not run interference between Nudge and the kids. Allow him to find his way with them. Murf speaks up when the kids get out of line. I do not undermine his authority. Especially his house his rules. At first the noise my boys make playing upstairs bothered him. I admit in his house sometimes it sounds like the are going to come through the floor. It is just the way the house is (small cape cod). With the way things are going in your marriage you and Nudge are going to have to start including the kids. Unless you would be ok with only seeing Nudge once in a while when your husband has the children.
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  #24  
Old 05-30-2014, 06:15 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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SO here is where things stand if anyone wants to way in with advice/support. Hubs and I are on a month long break, no sex, kissing, generally intimacy. He seems to waffle between THis will work!! and beign terrified it wont. ive felt relief....not having sex with him, not worrying about our romance...not worrying about HIM as much. I don't know if I only need a break, or if its just done.

Its hard having nudge, because I get so much love, affection, and fulfilling sex there I don't have drive to get those things from my spouse. Though I am not sure I would either without Nudge. It feels a lot like the last time we split up, when things didn't work out with my boyfriend we split and hubs and I got back together in a fervent and passionate manner...then it crept down hill again...then I asked for poly and it perked up for a while....and here we are again. I don't know...im tired of metamours, im tired of people dating. this was really rambling :/ sorry for that
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  #25  
Old 05-30-2014, 08:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Hubs and I are on a month long break, no sex, kissing, generally intimacy. He seems to waffle between THis will work!! and beign terrified it wont. ive felt relief....not having sex with him, not worrying about our romance...not worrying about HIM as much. I don't know if I only need a break, or if its just done.
The purpose of the break is.... ? So you both think and determine if you both want to keep investing in the marriage?

I guess time will tell if you are just wanting a break from dealing in him/his depression or if you are through with the marriage.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
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  #26  
Old 06-04-2014, 01:28 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
The purpose of the break is.... ? So you both think and determine if you both want to keep investing in the marriage?

I guess time will tell if you are just wanting a break from dealing in him/his depression or if you are through with the marriage.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
I suppose it serves to find out if we want to be together. I offered to work on the marriage though not feeling attracted to him, he asked for time to work on himself first. its confusing...I suppose I've been confused since this all started over a year ago. My friends think I should probably be with neither of them because I am not into my spouse (though could possible get it back) and though I have great relationship with my boyfriend, his continuing to live with his wife frustrates me beyond belief. I asked today if he would eventually not be living with her (basically rommates right now) and he said he had to do things in his own time and own way....Im either na´ve, or hes worth waiting for.
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  #27  
Old 06-06-2014, 02:34 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi gorgeouskitten,

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, but my impression is that on some deep-down level, you almost wish you and Nudge could both divorce your spouses and just be with each other instead. If this is true, is it something your spouses are aware of and if they are aware, how do they feel about it?

We could delve into how your marriages might be repaired, but first we need to establish that you (both of you -- you and Nudge) *want* to repair them. If you don't, then divorcing gracefully ought to be the next objective.

Does Nudge want to repair his marriage? Do you want to repair your marriage? Do either/both of you believe that your marriages *can* be repaired?
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  #28  
Old 06-10-2014, 01:56 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi gorgeouskitten,

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, but my impression is that on some deep-down level, you almost wish you and Nudge could both divorce your spouses and just be with each other instead. If this is true, is it something your spouses are aware of and if they are aware, how do they feel about it?

We could delve into how your marriages might be repaired, but first we need to establish that you (both of you -- you and Nudge) *want* to repair them. If you don't, then divorcing gracefully ought to be the next objective.

Does Nudge want to repair his marriage? Do you want to repair your marriage? Do either/both of you believe that your marriages *can* be repaired?
The urge isn't deep down, its pretty on the surface lol. Nudge knows....he knows his marriage wont be fixed, Im not sure about mine. But would I take just him?> yes. if it'd work. but there are so many factors...he doesn't want to live with kids...im in no position to leave my spouse (financial and the kids) and hes working slowly on not being with his spouse. I think most of ehat I want is a pipe dream, but there may possibly be a form it could take.
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  #29  
Old 06-10-2014, 05:20 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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So maybe there's a possible compromise scenario? Something where you and J transition into platonic co-parents, and Nudge transitions all the way out of his marriage? Something like that?

I'm assuming that if a compromise scenario exists, it would take a long time to bring it about. Can you exercise the kind of patience that would involve? Indeed, is there a choice? I presume you don't want to break up with Nudge regardless.
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  #30  
Old 06-10-2014, 05:53 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
So maybe there's a possible compromise scenario? Something where you and J transition into platonic co-parents, and Nudge transitions all the way out of his marriage? Something like that?

I'm assuming that if a compromise scenario exists, it would take a long time to bring it about. Can you exercise the kind of patience that would involve? Indeed, is there a choice? I presume you don't want to break up with Nudge regardless.
correct, super want to keep the guy around. It is going to take great patience, no I don't possess it. lol. suppose I better start working on it.
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