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  #11  
Old 05-20-2014, 04:18 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I don't know if I want that to end....I don't feel very romantic with him, but I care for him, I enjoy his friendship, and raising our children together.
So maybe changing the format of the relationship? End the marriage and begin again as friends and co-parents. With or without living together, depending on how you both feel about that.
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  #12  
Old 05-20-2014, 04:29 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
So maybe changing the format of the relationship? End the marriage and begin again as friends and co-parents. With or without living together, depending on how you both feel about that.
I could work that, he'd be pretty upset about it. While Im ok if he doesn't want romance with me and want to be his friends, he seems to be of the mind he doesn't want my friendship if we don't have romance
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  #13  
Old 05-20-2014, 06:51 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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I could work that, he'd be pretty upset about it. While Im ok if he doesn't want romance with me and want to be his friends, he seems to be of the mind he doesn't want my friendship if we don't have romance
So you've already discussed with hub your exit plan, so to speak? It is possible at this time his lack of desire for friendship is him reacting to the pain of the reality of how you feel, at least what you have told him so far on how you feel regarding your marriage. It is possible after the hurt of you not wanting to be with him, he may see friendship is worth more than loosing you entirely.
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  #14  
Old 05-20-2014, 06:59 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I have to agree with Schroedinger. I have never labeled myself mono or poly. I would probably label myself "whatever works." (AKA as INTJ in some circles. ). What it sounds like to me, is that whatever is going on right now is not working for you. You don't have to commit yourself to a label or specific configuration. So may be focus specifically on the details. What is working in each relationship and what isn't.
I agree... but I am another INTJ. I have kind of stopped worrying about labels recently. I just enjoy and manage my relationships.

I find myself currently in a polyamourous situation currently. My having two husbands and everything that goes along with it works at the moment. It is a lot of work and takes effort from all sides. If something happened between Butch and I and it was just Murf and myself I could easily be monogamous with him.

Does it mean I do not love Butch? That he is not as important in my life as Murf. No. I will admit Murf and I just go together very well. But Butch will shove my ass beyond my happy little INTJ bubble. He is good for me in his own way. We have been through hell and high water together. That man has put up with more shit from me. But our relationship takes A LOT of work.

Life changes.... You are going to have to decide what is worth the fight. Is Nudge honestly going to be able to give you the stability and support you crave. He has told you flat out that there will be no shackles placed upon him or his relationships. He knows who he is and what he wants and needs.
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  #15  
Old 05-20-2014, 07:49 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I agree... but I am another INTJ. I have kind of stopped worrying about labels recently. I just enjoy and manage my relationships.

I find myself currently in a polyamourous situation currently. My having two husbands and everything that goes along with it works at the moment. It is a lot of work and takes effort from all sides. If something happened between Butch and I and it was just Murf and myself I could easily be monogamous with him.

Does it mean I do not love Butch? That he is not as important in my life as Murf. No. I will admit Murf and I just go together very well. But Butch will shove my ass beyond my happy little INTJ bubble. He is good for me in his own way. We have been through hell and high water together. That man has put up with more shit from me. But our relationship takes A LOT of work.

Life changes.... You are going to have to decide what is worth the fight. Is Nudge honestly going to be able to give you the stability and support you crave. He has told you flat out that there will be no shackles placed upon him or his relationships. He knows who he is and what he wants and needs.
I've thought of you Dag cause I know you have co-primaries. Im guessing the difference for you is the guys totally know and are on board with being co-primaries/husbands however you want to call it I don't think my spouse has really thought about, until now, how I now have co-primaries. Not that we never discussed it....he nows IM a primary to Nudge, but im not sure he realized HE is also one to me. Things happened that made him realize I have a better sexual connection with nudge....aside from all our other issues. I fear having to totally lay it out for him that I have a deep romance with Nudge, and more of a companionship with him.

Hubs has suggested no sex for a few weeks while we sort things out....with anyone. I feel this is a bit unfair to me and Nudge, cause Hubs is the one not wanting ME not the other way around. I'll have sex with him, he just finds it to be unromantic.
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  #16  
Old 05-20-2014, 08:08 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Have you tried dating your husband as much and you date Nudge?

IE time alone without the kids even if it is to go out to lunch and just reconnect.

Or are you falling into the trap of Nudge gets to get to do all the fun stuff and your husband gets the daily grind? Do you make your hubby feel like he is the booby prize? Meaning that you would rather spend your time out with Nudge and he is just fill in?

Trust me I understand the allure. Murf has no kids of his own. When Butch is off and so is Murf I am kid free. We can go out and do the fun things I can't do a lot of the time with Butch because my closest family is over 10 hours away in Cincinnati and sitters are expensive. Murf had a bit more disposable income due to having no children. It is tempting to go and be free.

But I had forgotten to keep dating Butch too. And that was MY fault. We had gotten to be like a lot of couples. We were Mom and Dad and had forgotten to be Dagferi and Butch.

Now Murf and I have the kids most of the time. We can not just jump on the Harley and go where ever when the weather is nice. You know what we are still enjoying our life.

Last Saturday we went to a flea market. Squirrel saw a hot wheels car that looks like a car Murf owns. He had to buy it for Murf with his own money. He ran all the way back to Murf and was proud as punch to give it to him. It touched Murf. Again life changes and we have to make adjustments.

Now Murf is looking to sell his Harley. It is gathering dust in the garage. It doesn't fit our life. He instead bought a 4 door 1968 Chevelle that is more kid friendly. A car he will not cringe about in all weather unlike our show classic cars. It is fun just to go out for a ride with the kids. I didn't ask him to do so. He chose to do so. Plans are made with the kids included and around their schedules.

Would Nudge be open to taking the kids out with you all on a regular basis to give your hubby a break and time to himself?
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.

Last edited by Dagferi; 05-20-2014 at 08:10 PM.
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  #17  
Old 05-20-2014, 08:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So... I think I am hearing these things in your previous posts. Is this where it is right now? Correct me if I am wrong:

RELATIONSHIP WITH SELF
  • I think I new I was using poly as a bandaid.

RELATIONSHIP WITH HUSBAND
  • This is our third time almost divorcing.
  • I want to be free of marriage problems.
  • I'd be ok being free of the marriage if he'd still be friends after.
  • I care for him.
  • I enjoy his friendship and would like to maintain it.
  • I enjoy coparenting with him.
  • I don't feel romantic with my husband and would like to let that part go.
  • I fear telling husband that I have companionate love for him
  • I fear telling husband that I have a romantic/passion type love for Nudge

RELATIONSHIP WITH BOYFRIEND
  • I am more into BF than husband romantically.
  • I'd rather have just my boyfriend
  • My BF says his dating will not infringe on our time together but I can ask for nothing else
  • I fear I can not pin him down on anything so I haven't asked him to consider temporarily not date new people (just date existing people) while I deal with my marriage problems to help reduce my stress load.
  • If he asked me to move in with him I would
  • My having kids had caused a big gap between us before
    If he wanted to be monogamous, (me and him relating only, no other people in this rship) I would.
  • If he wanted me to be monoamorous (me love him only) I would.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-20-2014 at 08:36 PM.
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  #18  
Old 05-20-2014, 08:35 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So... I think I am hearing these things in your previous posts. Is this where it is right now? Correct me if I am wrong:

HUSBAND
  • This is our third time almost divorcing.
  • I want to be free of marriage problems
  • I'd be ok being free of the marriage if he'd still be friends after.
  • I care for him.
  • I enjoy his friendship and would like to maintain it.
  • I enjoy coparenting with him.
  • I don't feel romantic with my husband and would like to let that part go.
  • I fear telling husband that I have companionate love for him
  • I fear telling husband that I have a romantic/passion type love for Nudge

BOYFRIEND
  • I am more into BF than husband romantically.
  • My BF says his dating will not infringe on our time together but I can ask for nothing else
  • I fear I can not pin him down on anything so I haven't asked him to consider temporarily not date new people (just date existing people) while I deal with my marriage problems to help reduce my stress load.
  • If he asked me to move in with him I would
  • My having kids had caused a big gap between us before
    If he wanted to be monogamous, (me and him relating only, no other people in this rship) I would.
  • If he wanted me to be monoamorous (me love him only) I would.

Galagirl
Yeah, pretty much nice summer thanks. Though im not 100% I want to drop romance with spouse, or that I want mono with BF. On the bit about not dating other people, the reason I wont ask him is he is seeing no one besides me, so its not fair to be working on relationship with my spouse and tellin him to have no one else. But yes, it would reduce my stress greatly.
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  #19  
Old 05-20-2014, 08:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If it reduces your stress greatly to ask, ASK.

He's free to consider and tell you he won't do it and say NO. But if he doesn't even know you might want this, he isn't going to divine it from the sky. People are not mind readers.

You could rewrite the summary for yourself and "trying it on" by making the statements as statements rather than questions.

"Do I want to end the marriage?" becomes
  • NO. I do not want to end the marriage.
  • YES. I want to end the marriage.

Could try it on both ways and see how it makes you feel each way. The same with the other sentences you are not sure about. Sounds like you are trying to think your way through and discern what it is you want.

Keep going.

Galagirl
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  #20  
Old 05-20-2014, 08:44 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Have you tried dating your husband as much and you date Nudge?

IE time alone without the kids even if it is to go out to lunch and just reconnect.

Or are you falling into the trap of Nudge gets to get to do all the fun stuff and your husband gets the daily grind? Do you make your hubby feel like he is the booby prize? Meaning that you would rather spend your time out with Nudge and he is just fill in?

Trust me I understand the allure. Murf has no kids of his own. When Butch is off and so is Murf I am kid free. We can go out and do the fun things I can't do a lot of the time with Butch because my closest family is over 10 hours away in Cincinnati and sitters are expensive. Murf had a bit more disposable income due to having no children. It is tempting to go and be free.

But I had forgotten to keep dating Butch too. And that was MY fault. We had gotten to be like a lot of couples. We were Mom and Dad and had forgotten to be Dagferi and Butch.

Now Murf and I have the kids most of the time. We can not just jump on the Harley and go where ever when the weather is nice. You know what we are still enjoying our life.

Last Saturday we went to a flea market. Squirrel saw a hot wheels car that looks like a car Murf owns. He had to buy it for Murf with his own money. He ran all the way back to Murf and was proud as punch to give it to him. It touched Murf. Again life changes and we have to make adjustments.

Now Murf is looking to sell his Harley. It is gathering dust in the garage. It doesn't fit our life. He instead bought a 4 door 1968 Chevelle that is more kid friendly. A car he will not cringe about in all weather unlike our show classic cars. It is fun just to go out for a ride with the kids. I didn't ask him to do so. He chose to do so. Plans are made with the kids included and around their schedules.

Would Nudge be open to taking the kids out with you all on a regular basis to give your hubby a break and time to himself?
Thanks for responding Dag! Hubs and I got in a habit of getting high and watching movies....and that was about it. Nudge has no kids, and lots more money. So time with Nudge is concerts and dinners out etc. and time with hubs is chillin at home after the kids are in bed. We rarely go out, like you we have no sitters. Nudge has just recently watched the kids for us to go out, but they are very overwhelming for him. I think that's life in evolution there.

I do get on better with Nudge, like you with Murf. I guess it could grow and change...I can try working things out with Hubs and just see what happens. We have a lot of baggage, hes super jealous about the things nudge and I do, he has crippling depression ive seen him through for 15 years, and our sexual problems are long standing.
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