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Old 06-27-2014, 04:13 AM
Tryingtofigureitout Tryingtofigureitout is offline
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Default HELP! What to do?

I haven't been sure where to go to talk about this kind of thing but stumbled across this website after searching for help. I have been sleeping with this guy for almost a year. In the last 6 months have become more serious, meetings of families, vacations, and being together non stop. When we started hooking up that was strictly all it was. We talked about having a threesome for months and about a month ago we had one. He brought a girl back to the house one night. We had a great time and it defiantly helped grow our relationship. It turns out she wants more with him than we expected and she has distanced herself from both of us.

He means the world to me and I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him. But he is scared he is going to hurt me in the long run because he is constantly fighting urges of wanting another women sexually.

We are searching for help, we couldn't be more happier together. I am curious to see if poly could work for us. I am thinking I might have a hard time with him having another emotional relationship with another woman. I would be fine with the hooking up and the sex but I'm not sure how I would handle it the emotional part. Is this normal? Is this something we can work out together? Any advice for how to handle this situation or stories any of you have would help me tremendously.
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Old 06-27-2014, 04:24 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryingtofigureitout View Post
We are searching for help, we couldn't be more happier together.
That doesn't sound like an accurate statement. If you couldn't be more happier together then you wouldn't be seeking out help.

Moving from a monogamous relationship to a swinging or poly relationship is very common and there are endless questions to answer. Personally I suggest strumming through the Golden Nuggets thread and skim through topics that interest you. This way you can formulate your questions constructively so that we can make sure to give you information you actually need.
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  #3  
Old 06-27-2014, 04:35 AM
Tryingtofigureitout Tryingtofigureitout is offline
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You are most certainly correct. Thank you for posting the link. Looks like I have a little bit of reading to do. Thanks
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Old 06-27-2014, 12:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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You ask a lot of questions in a "predict the future" way.

Rather than a "this is the desired outcome. Help me make a plan to arrive there" way so it is hard to give feedback. When you talk to each other,could be aware of that.

Quote:
He means the world to me and I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him. But he is scared he is going to hurt me in the long run because he is constantly fighting urges of wanting another women sexually.
I'm not sure what you mean there. Why's he "fighting urges?" Could you be willing to clarify?
  • He is not able to share that he's crushing on some person to you? And you to hear it and not wig out? On can crush and choose not to act on it.
  • He believes having any attraction to other people if he's dating you is naughty somehow and he never wants to feel attraction?
  • He wants to not date exclusively? And he's going to cheat if he agrees to Close to dating you exclusively in the long run? He's not able to just NOT make agreements he cannot keep?
  • Are YOU not able to make agreements you cannot keep?
  • Something else I cannot think of?

Quote:
I am curious to see if poly could work for us.
What exactly are you trying to "solve" with polyamory? What is the "problem thing" here? Him wanting to date and grow emotional connection with others?

Quote:
I am thinking I might have a hard time with him having another emotional relationship with another woman. I would be fine with the hooking up and the sex but I'm not sure how I would handle it the emotional part. Is this normal?
That's not unheard of. Is it a hard limit for you? A deal breaker? No matter how much time, it will not change?

Or is it a "series of soft limits" for you because you want to try but don't know the extent of how far you can go? And if you go as far as you can and it isn't as far as eith erof you hoped are you both ok ending it? What is "it" -- polyshipping or the entire relationship?

Do you plan to make people he dates aware of your shared agreements that can affect them?

How do you plan to solve the fact that sex share can trip a mess of brain chemicals that leads to wanting more? Like your previous threesome partner?

Quote:
Is this something we can work out together? Any advice for how to handle this situation or stories any of you have would help me tremendously.
These are hub pages with more links. There are more out there, but just a few:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/

My suggestion at this time? Read more together, talk more to each other. In particular, maybe this one helps you guys define the boundaries? But don't rush to start practicing polyamory.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-27-2014 at 01:07 PM.
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  #5  
Old 06-27-2014, 01:02 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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For me, the emotional part is difficult too. Having those feelings is normal. However, they're a sign that you need to work on something within yourself. Jealousy is a label used when there is a fear or a lack of something that needs to be addressed. If you are secure and all of your needs are being met, the jealousy will be lessened.
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