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Old 05-16-2014, 01:29 AM
Nursehope Nursehope is offline
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So we've got the whole triad relationship going and things were ok for a while. I fought my jealousy and insecurity tooth and nail but to no avail, and I find myself growing increasingly bitter. I watch my husband and my girlfriend do all the things my husband and I used to do when we were dating, I watch his eyes light up when he looks at her but never see that look directed toward me. The short version is that I'm watching my husband behave like a newlywed with someone else and it's close to destroying me. I feel that I am being replaced by her. She is everything I'm not. Beautiful, super libido, interested in all the same things he is and, as far as I can tell, meeting all his needs splendidly. I have raised these concerns to him and his response is always the same, "you're not being replaced, neither of you is replaceable, I love you." But I find that his actions don't line up with his words. When there is a choice between being with her or being with me, he is always with her. When I bring this up he apologizes and says that he'll try to make sure he spends more time with me, bu t I want to scream "YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT, IF YOU HAVE TO TRY THEN IT SORT OF PROVES MY CONCERN. I WANT YOU TO want TO BE WITH ME AS MUCH AS YOU DO WITH HER!" I'm just not sure what my role in this relationship is anymore. All this is compounded by the fact that I work 12 hour days most days of the week while she works from home and can spend more time with him, and that we all live together so all my off hours are basically spent watching from the sidelines while they go gaga over each other. I feel that there is nothing I can do to keep my position from being eliminated, as it were. I know my husband is tired of hearing me complain when nothing he says will reassure me, but I'm drawing into myself, preparing my self for when he inevitably--in my mind--just leaves me for her. I realize that to all you experienced polys out there this is nothing but a childish temper tantrum, but I could really use some insight.
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Old 05-16-2014, 01:57 AM
LovelyLady LovelyLady is offline
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I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I don't. However, I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. I'm not sure if you feel the same, but for me, the worst part is questioning whether your feelings are valid or you're simply paranoid. I hate exposing that personal weakness, but sometimes, it just comes out. I hope your situation gets better!
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Old 05-16-2014, 02:18 AM
Nursehope Nursehope is offline
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Default Thanks!

Thank you so much for your reply! I read your post about jealousy and I sympathize. I, too, would have never entered a poly relationship except for my husband's happiness. It's hard to feel that even if you refused to be poly and he was "ok with that" that there would be a part of him that would never fully be yours. I feared that my husband would resent me forever if I said no, and I said yes sooner than I should have because I had no ideas what kind of boundaries to even set. I wanted him to be happy so badly that I said I was ok with everything and then nearly had a nervous breakdown. He was upset with me for not being up front with my feelings to begin with. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me. I'm rubbish at this, but if you need someone to talk to who won't judge, I'm available.

Thanks again,
Hope
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Old 05-16-2014, 02:29 AM
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graviton graviton is offline
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First things first. I would strongly suggest you not live under the same roof as her. It gives you no escape and no privacy. They are in the throes of New Relationship Energy (nre). You can't and you shouldn't try to compete. The best you can do is explicitly state your needs and quantify them to him. list them. Make sure that time spent with you is spent WITH YOU. No texting or other distractions. You also should get the pick of date times since you have a tight schedule. You call this a triad. So that means you are also romantically and sexually involved with this woman?

Last edited by graviton; 05-16-2014 at 02:32 AM.
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Old 05-16-2014, 02:36 AM
Nursehope Nursehope is offline
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We're living in the same house in the interest of blending families as her children have no father figure. That--haha--was what the original relationship outline was, just him to be there for her kids. Then it snowballed. We even share a bed : . Per hubby, "so she doesn't feel left out." I apologize again for whining and again thank you for your reply. Everyone has offered very good suggestions.

Also yes, we had a past romantic/sexual relationship but have lately only interacted in this way with hubby present.

Last edited by Nursehope; 05-16-2014 at 02:44 AM.
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  #6  
Old 05-16-2014, 02:39 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Nursehope, I am so sorry you find yourself in such heartbreak. It sounds like there is a lot going on here,and I hope you find a place of peace soon. There's a lot of good advice on the boards, and wonderful people who've been through what you're experiencing.

First things first: stop comparing yourself to her, or to anyone else. You are you. Work on finding your love for yourself again, on finding your confidence from within who you are, not by comparing externals. The reality is there is always someone more beautiful than we are out there (and "beautiful" is such a subjective terms as to be almost meaningless anyway), or smarter, or richer, or with a higher libido/kinkier, or more successful at their job, or whatever. Relationships shouldn't be a competition, and viewing them competitively can make poly very difficult and unhealthy. There are many things that make up a person, and your husband clearly valued many of your qualities enough to fall in love with you and marry you. Don't measure yourself, or your relationship, based on someone else or their relationship.

Next: there are some clear communication problems here. Before I dive into more, can I ask how long this Triad/Vee (it's hard to tell which it is, really) has been going on, how long she's lived with you, and if you and she are involved? Are you enthusiastic about poly, and dating on your own, as well? And, how was the marriage before you opened it?

It sounds like your hubby has a bad case of NRE, which happens a lot. He needs to own this, and step back for a minute to evaluate what each relationship needs. This may be difficult for him, and it wouldn't hurt to have him do a bit of reading on the topic. But, it is up to him to act like an adult with prior commitments as much as it is for you to be responsible for stating your own needs.

Letting the rage, jealousy, and resentment build in you is a huge recipe for disaster in so many ways. It might help to stop focusing on their relationship. Focus on your own. How he looks at her, what they do, etc. has no bearing on his relationship with you. It's clear your needs aren't being met, and that's going to continue to cause resentment. Solving that issue is much more likely to bring about a positive change. It sounds like it's time to sit down and have a real conversation about that.

Determine what you need from your husband (and your girlfriend) to feel safe, secure, and loved, and communicate this to them clearly, as well as to ask what their needs are in all this. Think about these things carefully, to make sure they're about you and your relationships and not about controlling or changing theirs. So, for example, perhaps you need more time with your husband. Ask for it, and state it clearly: "I need three overnights a week with you, and one of our days off, so we have time to build and strengthen our relationship, do the things we enjoy, and stay strong." Or, "Because I have much less available time to spend with you due to my work schedule, I'd like to ask for more of the time I am at home to be spent as a couple. It would be helpful for me if X time to X time was set aside for you and I, while you and she have X time to X time while I am at work."

Understand that there is also the GF and your husband to consider, who will have needs of their own, as well. And, don't go for "equality." Relationship needs and priorities are different for everyone, and will change with time and situation. Don't try to make everything "equal," but, instead, work on lovingly meeting each other's needs. Some people need more emotional time, some more sexual time, some more activity time, some more overnights, some more help around the house, etc. So, while one partner may need more sex to feel connected, another may need more time out doing various couple's activities. I am very independent, for example, so tend to need less time than some of my metamours; but, I generally need more sex than most of them--it's how I stay connected. It's up to the three of you to find a balance that works for you all, that is healthy, and that isn't intended to harm the other relationships.

Try to reframe your thinking and your wording. Poly isn't about who someone wants more--people are different. Your husband isn't going to want to be with you the way he does her because you and she are different people. He will want to be with you in the ways that your relationship works. It's not a matter of "more," it's a matter of differently. That is the wonderful thing, or can be, about poly--there are many wonderful people and interpersonal dynamics in the world, and you get to experience them in different ways.

Could he leave you for her? Of course. The reality is, anyone can leave anyone at any time for any reason. But, that happens all the time in mono relationships, as well. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but there are never any guarantees of "forever after," despite what our culture's overly-romanced pop culture wants us to think. It is wonderful when people can spend a life time growing together, of course, but that't not the only measure of a successful or wonderful relationship. Living in fear of it won't make things any better. Express your concerns in a helpful way "honey, I want to grow with you, and am concerned our lack of time together is causing us to grow apart. I would like to work with you on re-building our intimacy. Can we talk about that?" And, understand that you cannot control others. The best thing you can do, for yourself and your relationship, is to let go of the jealousy and fear (i've been there, and know it's so very, very hard), and find your own things to love about you, things outside your relationship that you find fulfilling and enriching, things to bring back and share with your partner that keep the romance fresh and new (this doesn't have to be sexual exploits--a travel group, a book club, a hiking crew--something YOU like for YOU).

Are these things you could discuss as all together, to get everyone on the same page?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nursehope View Post
So we've got the whole triad relationship going and things were ok for a while. I fought my jealousy and insecurity tooth and nail but to no avail, and I find myself growing increasingly bitter. I watch my husband and my girlfriend do all the things my husband and I used to do when we were dating, I watch his eyes light up when he looks at her but never see that look directed toward me. The short version is that I'm watching my husband behave like a newlywed with someone else and it's close to destroying me. I feel that I am being replaced by her. She is everything I'm not. Beautiful, super libido, interested in all the same things he is and, as far as I can tell, meeting all his needs splendidly. I have raised these concerns to him and his response is always the same, "you're not being replaced, neither of you is replaceable, I love you." But I find that his actions don't line up with his words. When there is a choice between being with her or being with me, he is always with her. When I bring this up he apologizes and says that he'll try to make sure he spends more time with me, bu t I want to scream "YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT, IF YOU HAVE TO TRY THEN IT SORT OF PROVES MY CONCERN. I WANT YOU TO want TO BE WITH ME AS MUCH AS YOU DO WITH HER!" I'm just not sure what my role in this relationship is anymore. All this is compounded by the fact that I work 12 hour days most days of the week while she works from home and can spend more time with him, and that we all live together so all my off hours are basically spent watching from the sidelines while they go gaga over each other. I feel that there is nothing I can do to keep my position from being eliminated, as it were. I know my husband is tired of hearing me complain when nothing he says will reassure me, but I'm drawing into myself, preparing my self for when he inevitably--in my mind--just leaves me for her. I realize that to all you experienced polys out there this is nothing but a childish temper tantrum, but I could really use some insight.
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  #7  
Old 05-16-2014, 02:45 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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This changes things in my reply somewhat.

If you're not enthusiastic about this, if it's not you and you didn't want it, then it's unlikely to work out.

And no, you shouldn't be sharing a bed if it's not what you want. At all.

Just as you believe it's not fair to have him not be himself, why should you not be able to be yourself? If it's as stressful for you as it sounds, and if things have gotten out of hand as fast as they clearly have, it's time to reconsider your options and boundaries. This is a pretty diametrically opposed lifestyle thing, and while it can work, this isn't a good way to start it.

It's okay to say: "I understand you are poly, and that is part of who you are. I am not, and that is part of who I am. Neither of us should have to exist in such a way that we cannot be ourselves, and would like to talk about how to proceed with moving on in a healthy way, before this gets any worse for either of us."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nursehope View Post
We're living in the same house in the interest of blending families as her children have no father figure. That--haha--was what the original relationship outline was, just him to be there for her kids. Then it snowballed. We even share a bed : . Per hubby, "so she doesn't feel left out." I apologize again for whining and again thank you for your reply. Everyone has offered very good suggestions.
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  #8  
Old 05-16-2014, 02:57 AM
Nursehope Nursehope is offline
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We've been living together about a month now, and to be honest I'm no sure what to call the relationship either. Before My husband and I ever met I had a romantic relationship with gf which ended at the end o high school. In this relationship we have kissed and held hands but do not at this time have a sexual relationship when husband is not present. This was not anything previously agreed to, it's just where we happen to be right now. Thank you for your reply and for the valuable insight. I know I need to get to a place where I'm ok with me and can define myself without needing to be somebody's something. Before we opened the marriage neither one of us had ever considered an open or nonmonogamous relationship. My husband did confess after this relationship began that he had feelings for gf since they had broken up in HS but he had never mentioned this previously.
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  #9  
Old 05-16-2014, 03:49 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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One of the things that makes it possible for our V to live together (me, husband and my boyfriend) is that we DO NOT share all of our time.

In any dynamic-including a mono relationship with kids, there is a relationship between each TWO people. Those relationships have to be healthy for the relationship of the GROUP to be healthy.

In your case-it sounds like only the relationship between he and her is being nurtured. There's no time for nurturing your relationship with her (friendly or more or less whatever) or the relationship between you and he.
THAT WILL NOT WORK.

It's not plausible.

You need scheduled alone time (each of you) and scheduled duo time (each duo) and time for the three of you.

If YOUR needs aren't being met-then you need to sit down and discuss what needs to change. That is your duty. if hers aren't-its her duty to bring up, if his aren't that is his duty.

So stand up and make it clear what you need for YOU to have a healthy relationship with EACH of them (of whatever type you wish) and discuss what can be done to make that possible. If there is no compromise that allows EACH of you to be in a healthy place-then someone needs to leave.
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Old 05-16-2014, 04:00 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Absolutely. And if you're afraid that you're going to come off naggy or clingy...don't. What LR said is very true. If you don't speak up for yourself, no one will!
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