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  #1  
Old 05-28-2014, 07:42 AM
Lithandaz Lithandaz is offline
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i have recently realized that i am more open an more poly than my husband. im trying to try new things but he is very reluctant and sounds uninterested. like having a relationship outside of out marriage and outside of the triad that we are seeking for. i told him it would be a great bday present for me but he said idk. im i being pushy or encouraging? i feel like im being a little of both. any suggestions would be great.
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Old 05-28-2014, 08:27 AM
london london is offline
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So what have you guys agreed to and how does your desires differ from that agreement?
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Old 05-28-2014, 10:07 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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If you are looking for a triad I'm assuming that this means you are looking for a woman to join your marriage. Could your triad have another man involved? I understand why people look for a triad. they think it will prevent anyone from feeling left out. But that is not always the case because it is almost impossible to ensure that all three parties will be equally involved and equally attracted to each other. Most likely one of you will feel left out compared to the other one.
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Old 05-28-2014, 10:36 AM
Lithandaz Lithandaz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
So what have you guys agreed to and how does your desires differ from that agreement?
we have agreed to a a woman joining us as a triad. my desires is for him to sleep with women without me and i wanna try to be with anpther man, my hubby is the only man i been with
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  #5  
Old 05-28-2014, 10:41 AM
Lithandaz Lithandaz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
If you are looking for a triad I'm assuming that this means you are looking for a woman to join your marriage. Could your triad have another man involved? I understand why people look for a triad. they think it will prevent anyone from feeling left out. But that is not always the case because it is almost impossible to ensure that all three parties will be equally involved and equally attracted to each other. Most likely one of you will feel left out compared to the other one.
i know a triad wouldnt prevent anyone feeling left out, and i know that not everything is gonna be equal and everyone be equally involved, none of this concerns me. cuz i know that the new person will be the shiny new toy i guess u can put it lol. i want an open relationship beyond rhat and he donr
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  #6  
Old 05-28-2014, 10:48 AM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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So it sounds like it is about YOU. You want to have sex with other men and are offering up finding another woman for your husband as "bait" and you are willing to accept all of the possible problems that Graviton told you might occur in order to get what you want.
What you do is hp to you of course but the track record is not good when one partner is either dragged or manipulated into going along with something that they do not accept or want
It sounds like you two have a lot more serious talking to do and you might want to base it on "we" or "us" if you want to remain with him
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Old 05-28-2014, 12:23 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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To me--and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh--you telling your hubby that "it would be a great birthday present" sounds manipulative and guilt-trippy. Someone going against their own better judgment and best interests to do something that will make them unhappy and will possibly have a negative impact on your marriage doesn't sound like that great a birthday present to me.

Unless, of course, you're more interested in having sex with another man than you are in maintaining a positive relationship with the one you have. I'm hoping that isn't the case, but the way you're phrasing the posts here, that's what it sounds like. You want sex with another man because your husband is the only man you've slept with; you want a triad so you (or your husband) will have a "shiny new toy"; you want an open relationship regardless of what your husband wants.

You're dealing with other human beings here. You may not agree with your husband's wishes, but that doesn't negate the fact that he has them and is allowed to express them. Another partner, whether male or female, isn't "a shiny new toy", they're a person whose emotions, thoughts, and opinions will matter a LOT if you're involved with them.

Going from your posts, you seem very focused on what YOU want and what YOU will get from having other people involved. You don't seem as interested in considering what your husband wants, or how being involved with you would benefit anyone else (including your husband).
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  #8  
Old 05-28-2014, 02:02 PM
Lithandaz Lithandaz is offline
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yeah thats what i was thinking to, i started feeling bad after i said tha to him amd everything. i have a bad habit of taking an inch and running a mile with it. i think the issue is within me not us. and i do need to sit down and talk to him about it. thank you all for the great advice. im so glad i asked now. thank you everyone. i will sit down with him today.
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  #9  
Old 05-28-2014, 02:26 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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From all you have posted on this forum so far it looks like you and your hubby have been talking about finding a woman to be in a triad relationship with for quite some time. Even tried it out with one lady, and it did not work out, but you are still friends with her. From your blog thread I understood that you have come out as poly to your families, and dealt with the consequences.

All in all: a lot of work done, a lot of discussions behind you already. But, all of them about getting into a triad with another woman.

Now you have realized that you would like to start dating separately, and see if that would work any better. Probably your wish to be with another man is a new one, too. (You have not mentioned that earlier in your posts.)

Did I get it right? Please correct me if it went wrong somewhere.

My advice in this situation:

Your suggestion to start dating separately can be a difficult one for your hubby to digest. It can be very hard for him to wrap his head around you wanting another man. And for himself to date women on his own.

In a way it will be a totally different situation. You will need to negotiate everything all over again, from this new point of view.

I think it is good that you have noticed this change in yourself. We all change all the time. Now you want to start dating separately - and that is ok. You just have to find a constructive way to express your wish to your husband - and let him express all the emotions that might arise in him due to this change.

You and your hubby seem to have open lines of communication. Keep that up and this change might be for the good for you both!
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  #10  
Old 05-28-2014, 06:28 PM
london london is offline
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I personally think it would be harder to cope with if you had initially gone in with the unicorn hunting thing first. You lay down all these reasons why sharing a partner would be the best and safest way to go about this and maintain your relationship and then one person says that none of those reasons are relevant any more. Usually because they've met someone who they want to date but who doesn't want to date their partner.

I think that sometimes it isn't just a selfish desire and they have a genuine epiphany about how dating seperately isn't more risky etc than dating together, but the other person will have a hard time believing it is anything other than a desire to replace or displace them.
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