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Old 05-25-2014, 12:21 AM
metandwessy metandwessy is offline
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Location: AZ
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Default feeling ignored during threesome

Hello everyone!

I am a cis-gendered heteroflexible woman in a primary relationship with a cis-gendered heteroflexible man. We live together, are committed to each other and we've been together for a little over a year and a half. We have had our bumps in the road as we discover what works for us and what doesn't. We've dated and explored sexually both on our own and together. Right now we are mostly interested in dating and being sexual with others together even though I know that can be hard since we may not always agree.

My question today is about a recent sexual experience that is troubling to me. We've had a few orgies, threesomes, same room, soft and full swap with other couples. All have gone on without a hitch and without any jealousy arising during the encounter. We recently met a woman online and wanted to have a threesome with her. Some issues came up before we even met up due to his excitement and investment in her before even knowing her that scared me. We worked through it and decided to go forward with the threesome.

It started out great, she is a beautiful young woman who seems like a sane and genuinely decent person. I was into her, she was into me, my partner was into her and she was into him. Here's the rundown: we gave her a massage, my partner gave her oral, I used my vibrator, then my partner asked about having sex and she said she didn't want to so he then had intercourse with me. Then he started to go limp and stopped and we all laid around for a bit. He then wanted to pleasure her orally again. After the second time he pleasured her she said "ok I feel bad now because i feel like I'm taking all of the attention". Then we laid around together for a bit, then she started to get up to get dressed and put her underwear back on. Then my partner said "I'm going to masturbate if you guys don't mind" which we said ok and he then proceeded to stare at her, touch her and completely ignore me until he ejaculated all over me.

It seemed like it was a V with her at the center and I'm feeling like my partner didn't give me enough attention because was so enraptured by her. I didn't notice it the whole time until so profoundly at the very end when he stared solely at her as he pleasured himself. We processed it a little bit after she left and he admitted that he was worried that he might have given her too much attention and I got upset and we got in a fight. Then I started to think back to the rest of it and realized that's what was happening the whole time. He thinks I have tunnel vision and I'm just remembering all the times that he wasn't paying attention to me instead of all the times that he was. He claims he asked me if I wanted him to give me oral and I said no and he said he stopped fucking me because he didn't want to get off and for it to be over (even though he wasn't fully hard). He says he didn't touch me when he was masturbating because he is left handed and I was on his left. He also says it was because when he did look at me, I didn't look into it and she was so he focused more on her. He also thinks that if I felt I wasn't getting attention that I should have inserted myself more and basically fought for more attention.

Oh also, she's moving away in a few days and he wants to try to meet up with her again to have another one before she leaves. he admits he has been thinking about her and he has had sexual dreams about just her and him. I told him I don't want to have another one because some stuff is not resolved.

In general, I think we have great relationship and I'm surprised that this happened this way. I feel like he wasn't attracted to me in that experience and I'm taking it very personally. I'm trying to normalize my feelings instead of take to mean that something is wrong with me or my relationship but it's really hard. I need some help!

Is this a common occurrence in threesomes that a partner would be more into a new person (kind of like the new toy on christmas morning phenomenon (not that people are toys))?

Is there something I could/should have done differently?

How do I move through this? Any tips/advice?

Are there any articles or research about this type of thing that you guys would recommend?

Thank you and sorry for the long post!
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Old 05-25-2014, 12:59 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Hmm maybe she feels like you weren't giving her any attention? The 3ways ive been in all three were involved with each other, like a girl goes down on the other while the man has intercourse with one.
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Old 05-25-2014, 01:25 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Posts: 519

Sorry, but it sounds like you got plenty of attention. Actually it sounds like you even neglected her. When I invite a girl to join me and my partner, She's the guest. She s the primary focus. I would feel bad if she DIDN'T feel the center of attention.
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Old 05-25-2014, 01:37 AM
metandwessy metandwessy is offline
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Location: AZ
Posts: 12
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Hi Sue, thank you for the response. I feel the same way, in all the other sexual encounters I've been in, attention has been for the most part equal amongst everyone participating. That's why this one threw me off because it felt so unbalanced (mostly just at the end). I feel like I gave her a lot of attention and she gave me attention too, it was the attention from my partner that I feel was lacking. I think the thing that bothered me the most was when he was masturbating and didn't even look at or touch me, it was like I wasn't even there until he needed somewhere to ejaculate. It really hurt my feelings but the rest of it was great!
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Old 05-25-2014, 01:44 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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No, I completely disagree with the previous posters. It can and does happen and it's called NRE or new relationship energy. The new shiny person can seem more compelling than the established partner. Some couples think 3somes prevent jealousy, but either one of them can become enraptured with new person and be more hot for them than for the other one.

I've experienced this with a previous lover and it hurt a lot.

It's a pretty common phenomenon, and something to address fully with your partner before it happens again. It doesn't mean you aren't sexy or he doesnt desire you overall, it's just hormones and the excitement of the new.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's bf for 5 years
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Old 05-25-2014, 01:52 AM
metandwessy metandwessy is offline
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Location: AZ
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Default reply to poly in practice

Maybe you're right in that's how threesomes should be. I think I differ in my philosophy that it should be about all three people involved not just the new person. But maybe my partner feels like you do, that would be a good discussion to have with him! I don't think she felt neglected, in fact i think she might have been a little overwhelmed with how much attention she was getting!
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Old 05-25-2014, 02:41 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by metandwessy View Post
Is this a common occurrence in threesomes that a partner would be more into a new person (kind of like the new toy on christmas morning phenomenon (not that people are toys))?
I've had a number of threesomes and some of them felt like everyone was in a groove and got exactly what they wanted out of it and some of them were lopsided enough that someone got their feelings hurt. So in my experience there is no way to predict how this balance is going to play out and it is unreasonable to expect that everyone will miraculously reach a perfect balance of interest for everyone else. Maybe it'll turn out that way, and that's awesome, but if it doesn't that shouldn't be a shock.

It's a matter of your expectations being out of sync with reality. It's perfectly reasonable that a new partner could draw more attention than a regular partner.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 05-25-2014, 02:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I can't speak from experience, really, because it's been like about 30 years since I had a threesome (with two guys because I am straight), and I keep my relationships separate, so for me polyamory is not about group sex. That all being said, it sounds like you didn't really participate fullly in the encounter (I say that because you said you had to think back to try and remember what happened), relying instead on your partners to make it all flow and happen smoothly for you. Nor did you speak up for yourself in the moment, so you picked a fight afterwards. It doesn't sound like you were fully present, aware, and participating. Obviously, you're into casual, swinging type of sexual encounters and that is fine, but sometimes it is almost inevitable that there will be glitches and miscommunications when you are intimate with someone you don't know very well (at least, in my experience, that is generally so), and so I think staying present, paying full attention, and not holding back with communicating is very important when you're having sex with, well, pretty much strangers. If I were you, I'd do my best to forgive, move on, and resist the temptation to over-analyze what happened, especially since it seems your partner was not intentionally slighting you. Don't take it personally. Good luck.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-26-2014 at 12:27 AM.
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Old 05-25-2014, 05:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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My opinion is that it's aways each person's own responsibility to make sure they're getting what they need in any sexual encounter. If your partner happens to be a casanova who mindfully knows exactly what to do to rock your world, bonus. But making that an expectation is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Maybe your partner was more focused on the other girl that night. But it's asking a lot for everyone to be perfectly mindful of everything going on during a threesome. There's always going to be some ebb and flow. If, in the moment, you find that you're not getting the attention you'd like, just speak up. Or just insert yourself physically -- grab a hand, kiss some lips, whatever... if THAT doesn't work, THEN make it unambiguous "Yo, hey... there are three of us here, remember?"

As for whether the "new and shiny" should be the guest of honour, or it should be even... that's up to the people involved. Neither way is right or wrong.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 05-26-2014, 03:06 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I agree with a lot of things that have already been said. For me poly isn't necessarily about group sex...group sex is about group sex and I enjoy that as well.

How the encounter goes has so many variables! Each person's unique sexuality, relationships, expectations. There is a learning curve with any new partner. That being said I have noticed some patterns in MY threesome/moresome experiences.

For some background - I have been with my husband for 20+ years, he is not very sexual and we don't have one-on-one sex very often (although it is good when we do, and I wouldn't mind more of THAT). I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he is very sexual and we have one-on-one sex fairly frequently (and he would like even more of THAT).

On the occasions where we three have a three-some together I am the primary focus of attention (understandably, since they are straight). I do tend to focus more on MrS during these sessions - for him to be in a sexual mood is much more rare and I want to enjoy that whenever I can and make sure that he has a great time. Dude completely understands, agrees and facilitates.

When any combination of the three of us is involved in a three/more-some with someone else - then they tend to be the primary focus of attention = "special guest" (and "new/shiny") status. Again, my secondary focus would tend to be MrS, if he is involved, for the same reasons as above.

On some occasions, particularly with long-standing repeat other partners, it does just "flow" where the attentions just all intertwine and everyone gets as much as they want and more - and that is GREAT, but I don't particularly know how to plan for that or MAKE it happen. Sometimes, everything just seems to come together.

It's all good...it probably helps that we, and anyone that we are involved with, tend to be low on the jealousy/drama scale, are generally more concerned with providing others with a positive experience than getting absolutely everything that we personally might enjoy out of a single encounter...there's always next time!

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-26-2014 at 03:11 PM.
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advice, attraction, nre, sexual issues, threesome

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