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  #11  
Old 05-08-2014, 08:57 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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When I first told Hubby I was polyamorous, he went to the children analogy first, I think as a way to help himself understand as well as to reassure me.

He ended with, "Love isn't finite. You're bringing more love into the world."

Not an analogy, but as good a way to put it as any. Or at least, I'm bringing more love into my life, and why is love a bad thing?
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  #12  
Old 05-08-2014, 11:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Interesting -- I like the motorbike analogy. That's new to me. But it basically covers different beliefs. One partner believes motorbikes are awesome. The other one thinks they are scary.

I find it easier to have that "mono-poly" conversation without any "right /wrong" evaluation. Because who am I to say what is right or wrong for someone else other than me? Who made me boss of the other person? Nobody. Take an approach like that in the conversation? It could become each one "defending" own positions. Rather than each one sharing information to reach understanding of what the other person's beliefs or preferences are.

A while back a monoamorous/monogamous friend of mine was having a hard time processing some polyship she knew of breaking down and she made the statement that "Ugh! Poly never works and is always doom! I never see any work. Why bother!?"

I reminded her none of mine were "doom" and she known ME for decades.

She modified it to "Well, none around here that I see. It is crazy."

I reminded her she cannot see everything and could not measure all polyships by the one she can see that is going all soap opera. Healthy polyships are usually minding their own biz living their regular life. Just like many monoships are busy living regular life. Not all monoships go soap opera. The "success" of any of those relationship models lies on the shoulders of the participants -- monoships, polyships, whatever-ships. And one can manage to break up without going all drama-lama about it.

She modified it to "Well, I couldn't do it. I am much too jealous a person." (I was amused, because what makes her think I never experience jealousy? It's only an emotion, it isn't going to kill me. )

What I actually said was "That's cool. You like monogamous shape relating for you. I can like whatever shape I like for me. Fair enough. Everyone can like what they like."

Oddly, that's when she became more curious and started asking questions seeking understanding about polyshipping structure and let "the defense wall" drop. Once I reaffirmed that her choices for herself are fine to have for herself. We had a nice convo about what we each think the pros/cons to monoshipping are and what we each think the pros/cons to polyshipping are. It was not longer personal about why WE pick what WE pick.

I think how well that "mono-poly" conversation goes partially lies in how it presented and word choices in the conversation.

This? Terrible presentation.

Quote:
The context this came out of was a new list member whose husband had dropped the poly bomb rather badly - this is what's happening, having her meet the couple he was talking with without understanding what was happening, and getting the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" bomb dropped on her all at the same time. She reacted to the friend/child analogies with one of juggling chainsaws, so the "risky" thing was already built up.
It doesn't not sound like she's being asked to consider her willingness to open the marriage and participate in a polyship. It sounds like he's making unilateral decision. Not very respectful. It is radically changing the structure of their shared relationship and her life without her input! It is also putting her on the spot in front of some stranger people. Hackles going up and getting defensive? I wouldn't blame her. How can one feel emotionally safe with a spouse that puts you in that kind of position? Yeesh.

If those "dating potentials" were watching this go down and see this is how he treats his existing partner by dropping bombs? Maybe they want reconsidering signing up to be his new partners!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-09-2014 at 12:50 AM.
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  #13  
Old 05-08-2014, 11:56 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
As a software engineer, I love the IF/THEN model.
The Philosopher is a Unix admin. He was the one who came up with applying IF/THEN to thought processes in our conversation.

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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Someone who feels like they've had a bomb dropped on them will probably be less inclined in the first place, as their hurt will need to heal first.
Agreed. No one is going to do well with the rug being ripped out from under him/her. I find that behavior very callous.
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Last edited by bookbug; 05-08-2014 at 11:58 PM. Reason: Typo
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  #14  
Old 05-09-2014, 12:14 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I dislike when people imply or flat out say that a way a person believes is wrong. It should never end there. I actually would not call a belief an assumption. There are some people who are incapable of loving more than one person at a time or even being sexually involved with more than one person at a time (me). I learned that over time, and it has nothing to do with being sex-negative, cultural beliefs, religious beliefs, or even childhood teachings. I am just waiting for the day that someone tells me I am sex-negative or whatever. It is out of my personal comfort level, so I do not believe that choice is wrong for me.
Utilizing the IF/THEN statement does not call into question the mono person's belief. If the mono person states: IF I love another, THEN I don't love you, that is a perfectly valid statement of how s/he feels and operates. But when one applies his or her own mode of operation to others, then s/he will be wrong part of the time. When she makes assumptions about other monos, she may be exactly right; but when s/he makes assumptions about poly people based on her own beliefs s/he will be wrong because with poly people the equation IF I love another THEN I don't love you is false.

Does that mean that the mono person is wrong to choose to live in a monogamous relation. No, absolutely not. Are they wrong to feel as they do? Nope. But with whatever subject we deal people should be cautious in generalizing their personal philosophy to everyone and assume it's universally accurate.
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  #15  
Old 05-09-2014, 01:45 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I agree with you wholeheartedly, Bookbug. I have never actually heard anyone say that or imply it. Interesting. I wonder how I would have responded to that if/then rationalisation. At the least, I would respect it--even if it did not mirror my own beliefs. I have been on both sides--told that being poly is wrong (mono inclined individuals) and now that being mono is wrong (wiring inclined individuals). I do not care for people to project their beliefs on to me. Truthfully, I could not give a damn if I tried, but that might not be the most polite or dignified thing to say.
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  #16  
Old 05-09-2014, 02:03 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I agree with you wholeheartedly, Bookbug. I have never actually heard anyone say that or imply it. Interesting. I wonder how I would have responded to that if/then rationalisation. At the least, I would respect it--even if it did not mirror my own beliefs. I have been on both sides--told that being poly is wrong (mono inclined individuals) and now that being mono is wrong (wiring inclined individuals). I do not care for people to project their beliefs on to me. Truthfully, I could not give a damn if I tried, but that might not be the most polite or dignified thing to say.
LOL! Yes, I usually do not concern myself with others opinions. They are certainly entitled to them. However, how people reach conclusions - often inaccurate conclusions - fascinates me. So I am like a kid in a candy store putting thought processes through the IF(action)THEN(meaning) lens.
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  #17  
Old 05-09-2014, 02:34 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
She modified it to "Well, I couldn't do it."
Why does everyone say that as if I'm asking them to date me or if I care whether they'd be poly or not? I wonder what they'd say to you if they said, "I'm going to the bathroom." And you said, "I'm not ready to pee yet."
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  #18  
Old 05-09-2014, 03:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
And you said, "I'm not ready to pee yet."
OMG, I burst out laughing when I read that. Thanks! I need a laugh today.

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Why does everyone say that as if I'm asking them to date me or if I care whether they'd be poly or not?
I think it might be because some people relate to the world through their own lens of experience only. Everything is coming in through their senses and through this filter of "How does this apply to me? Does this apply to me?" Single POV.

They have a harder time seeing the world through many POVs -- it looks this way to me, could look that way to him, could look that way to her...

Galagirl
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  #19  
Old 05-09-2014, 07:35 PM
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Garriguette Garriguette is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Why does everyone say that as if I'm asking them to date me or if I care whether they'd be poly or not? I wonder what they'd say to you if they said, "I'm going to the bathroom." And you said, "I'm not ready to pee yet."
Maybe, even though you are saying, "This is the relationship style that works best for me," they perceive you as saying, "This is the relationship style that works best"-- hearing judgment where you in fact aren't offering any.

Or they might wonder why you think it's their business, if you're not trying to date them. Over the course of coming out as bisexual, I had some conversations that involved either reassuring or gently discouraging people who thought that meant, "I want to have sex with everybody" or "I am inviting you to a threesome." (No. I just want you to know who I am.)
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  #20  
Old 05-10-2014, 01:04 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Why does everyone say that as if I'm asking them to date me or if I care whether they'd be poly or not? I wonder what they'd say to you if they said, "I'm going to the bathroom." And you said, "I'm not ready to pee yet."
I don't see that "I couldn't do that" response as anything but conversation. I've offered a piece of what I believe and they say that they don't believe that... isn't that just getting to know someone? They are simply relating what you just said to their life and offering you a piece of them in return.

When I have gotten that response in the past (and that's pretty much always the response) I ask them why that is... and a conversation doth ensue.
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