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  #1  
Old 05-13-2016, 12:53 AM
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Part 1

Over the past few days I’ve really enjoyed reading the life stories of the members on here. I’m not sure mine counts as “inspiring”, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come over my somewhat-less-than-thirty years. I’ve never written it all out like this and since I did the work I figure I may as well post it. I’m not positive what would be accounted as “TMI” here, but I figure if I’m comfortable writing it, probably people would be comfortable reading it.

Please note: what I wrote below makes it sound like my life has been full of extremes. That is very much not the case. These posts suffer from negativity bias but to correct that would be to make this an epic autobiographical work, which is not the point. So please believe that while it may seem like everything is awful all the time, that is the result of inadequate methodology and does not reflect the entire reality.


I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian family in a small town were Mormons, Mennonites and Amish have a heavy influence. We went to church Wednesday and Sunday, and Thursday for bible study. We ate fish on Fridays, gave up meat for Lent, and every member of my family but myself was married before the age of 20. Marriage was a vital holy institution and just as necessary for religious growth as baptism. Divorce was never an option. Sex was a strictly taboo subject, even so far as biological systems and pertinent information, like how to use a tampon (trick question: good girls don’t use tampons). Sex Ed was the only alternative source of information and it very much missed the mark. I knew nothing more than “tab A into slot B” and the process of meiosis. The issues of trust, consent, sexuality, identity, communication, pleasure, etc, were never broached.

My family is very man-centric, where women are expected to cater to their men, and the men are expected to protect, provide and punish. I once witnessed an uncle repeatedly hitting his wife “to learn her better”. At the time I thought the abuse was my aunt’s fault: if she just tried harder, he wouldn’t have to get so mad. Afterwards she apologized and cried like a broken thing while she made him a pie. I remember listening to her with disgust. I would never make my husband that mad! This is not really a surprising dynamic; my aunt is one of my mother’s six sisters, and their father suffered from undiagnosed PTSD and alcoholism. We aren’t sure what exactly he did in WWII, but when we finally got his service records almost the entire thing was redacted, other than words like “and” or “therefor”. He also had a considerable chest of inexplicable medals. I won’t recount the stories I’ve of heard of him (he died when I was very young) but I can certainly see how my mother’s family all found their way into dysfunctional relationships.

None of this is to say we were unhappy. We were happy. Holidays in particular were chaotic and glorious. My parents took turns working two and three jobs to put each other through college, and fought to give us good lives. They encouraged all their daughters to pursue advanced education, and while they were a bit appalled I chose to study genetics and evolution (and not theology), they were tentatively supportive which is more than I’d have thought to ask for. I love my sisters dearly. We have always been best of friends and we got into some pretty wild scrapes for good little Christian girls, so not everything was dire and restrictive.
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FeatherFool: 29, heteroflexible, dating Jaeger and Tails.
Jaeger: 34, bi, LTR with Tails, dating me.
Tails: 32, bi, LTR with Jaeger, dating me.
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Old 05-13-2016, 12:57 AM
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Part 2
*Trigger Warning*

Right around puberty I discovered boys are fascinating. I was very confused by this. I had all these feels and wants and they felt good, but they also made me a bad person. I believed that I was gross and that attraction and sex were bad, icky things. After my first sex dream I couldn’t bear to open my eyes because I was terrified that I’d see the Devil in my bedroom, ready to take me to Hell. The first time I felt the urge to press my lips against another girls’ shoulder (a close friend of mine at the time), I was sure there was something twisted and sick inside me.

My confusion did not improve when I was assaulted in my second year of high school. It just confirmed to me that sex was painful, humiliating, shameful, and all those other terrible things. It also made me very afraid of men. I believed that I must have deserved the assault, somehow. I began to think that men were unpredictable beasts, unable to control their own actions. When I look back on myself I try to be compassionate to that poor, lost girl. I am even successful most of the time.

I was messed up but good. I started having panic attacks, even while I slept. I started missing school, spending all my time huddled in a chair in the local library reading fantasy novels in a desperate attempt at escapism. Eventually I developed severe agoraphobia. My parents were fit to be tied. I was always at the top of my class, prior. I’d won several academic awards, and was taking exclusively advanced placement and university level courses. Over the span of a semester I flunked all my classes, stopped seeing my friends, slept all of the time, developed a terrible temper, and had mysterious transient illnesses: stomach pains, nausea, headaches, etc. The family doctor couldn’t find anything wrong with me, and I was too ashamed to “admit” to the rape. My family sits beside my doctor at church. What would he think of me? What would he tell them? I wanted to die. Just to…not exist.

Very close to that time, I read a book called “Angels Turn Their Backs” by Margarette Buffie. The main character, a young girl, develops and learns to manage agoraphobia through the course of the book. In her, I recognized myself. I was Addie. I took the book to my school counselor, a woman I’d never met before, and told her I needed help. She was amazing. It was entirely because of her that I got the help I needed. In my mind, she was a curly-grey-haired, glasses-wearing dragon of a defender. She fought my parents about the necessity of therapy (my mom was convinced it was just brainwashing). She drove me to my appointments, and we often went for ice cream afterwards to decompress. She let me do my homework in her office, a quiet space with comfortable couches and half-lighting that I found restful. She fought to have the schoolboard allow me to challenge for class credits so I could graduate high school. She bought me my first self-help book (“Dying of Embarrassment”) when my dad thought it was a “scam”, and helped me apply for university. I believe I owe my life to that woman. I was fragile as glass when I went to her for help and I think the slightest tap would have shattered me. She was the first step to forging myself into something new and stronger.

Therapy healed, and medication allowed me to function while I worked on myself. My family moving to a new, larger city helped, and building more diverse friendships helped too. I learned to manage my panic attacks and to recognize harmful self-talk. I began to see myself as someone wholly her own without obligation for the happiness and completeness of others. Slowly I learned to be strong, someone who could do things, her own things, separate and apart from my family. Autonomy became very important to me. I spent time getting to know myself, to love those parts of me that were wonderful, and to forgive those parts that caused me pain. I moved out of my parents’ house, and I think that helped most of all.
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FeatherFool: 29, heteroflexible, dating Jaeger and Tails.
Jaeger: 34, bi, LTR with Tails, dating me.
Tails: 32, bi, LTR with Jaeger, dating me.
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Old 05-13-2016, 01:01 AM
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Part 3

Dating, however, was a disaster. An absolute trainwreck. Dealing with my fear of men was extremely difficult in regards to intimate relationships. I’ve never found the right words to describe my headspace while dating during that time. In any kind of conflict, even something so minor as my date suggesting somewhere for dinner I did not want to go, I’d enter this ultrasubmissive damage-control mode. Whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, however he wanted. No boundaries, control, nothing left of me. Just a head empty of thoughts and full of a desperate need to appease. It scared me, that need. I was learning to be my own person, and I liked feeling strong. It was terrifying to have it disappear so easily after fighting so hard for it in the first place. On my own, I found a sex therapist. It was very hard talking to him at first; he was a man, after all, but he helped me to understand this side of myself. He helped me work though many of my issues, and I will always be grateful to him.

My first truly sexual experience was a revelation. He was older, experienced, and knew my struggles. We’d known each other nearly a year as good friends. He was so careful with me, making sure I was okay with every step of our relationship from the very start. He never pressed for anything but I never felt coddled or smothered either. The trust we built was deep and sweet; he even accompanied me to a few of my therapy sessions. I cared for him a lot. I remember, after our first time together (which was very bland by my current standards!), I couldn’t stop laughing. I felt amazing. I felt strong and powerful. I could take on the world! He laughed with me and took real joy in my exhilaration. I’d never realized that sex could be fun. We were together just a few months, before he moved to another city across the country. Our chemistry fizzled after he moved away but the caring didn’t fade. He is marred now to a wonderful lady. I still count him as a very good friend.

After him, I tried a few wildly unsuccessful relationships. I was trying to find “the One” I’d been raised to expect but I rarely felt that bubbly new-relationship feeling and mostly felt dissatisfied. The guys I dated were similarly invested in finding their “the One” and the breakups were harsh and painful on both sides. As I learned about myself through experience and therapy, I found that I was not interested in living with someone else. I loved living on my own, traveling on my own. Just being alone! I hated being in a relationship where I had to justify not coming home at night, where I was, who I was with, etc. I disliked having to compromise my plans to accommodate someone else’s. I did not like feeling obligated to see someone every day. I hated feeling someone’s elevator expectations placed on me… I still do, actually. Eventually I moved into a more casual form of dating, and even explored some of my interest in other women. I still preferred monogamy, at least once actually sleeping with someone, but now with a friends-with-benefits flare instead of dating-with-intent. I was also a fan of time limits. That went on very happily for several years.

However, over the last year or so, I’ve been craving something more. Maybe not an “elevator ride”, but something I can rely on. I was just not sure what that would look like.

Enter Jaeger.
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FeatherFool: 29, heteroflexible, dating Jaeger and Tails.
Jaeger: 34, bi, LTR with Tails, dating me.
Tails: 32, bi, LTR with Jaeger, dating me.
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Old 05-13-2016, 02:20 AM
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Part 4

I’ve known Jaeger for a few years. We are members of the same canoeing association. We’ve been on multiday group trips, taught some classes together, etc. He is a geologist and smashes rocks for a living, and I am a biologist and smash cells for a living, so we always have something to talk about. If he hadn’t been dating a pretty blonde lady I probably would have flirted with him more seriously. It would have to have been pretty darn clear flirting, though, because Jaeger is a bit oblivious and I’m no good at subtlety anyways. As it was, we made excellent generally chose each other as paddling buddies. It’s a bit silly: I’m much better at stern than he is, but I am 5 foot zip and he is 6’7 and built like a brick shithouse. The man is two of me wide. When we paddle together the canoe is woefully unbalanced; the bow is always just barely above swamping, and I have to place weights at my feet to get the stern low enough for my paddle to reach the water!

Early this fall, he invited me to go on a weekend trip with a few of his personal friends, and some of our mutual canoeing acquaintances. This was the first time he’d invited me to something outside our canoeing association, but I didn’t think much of it since it seemed like a natural progression. One of the people there was Tails, and the two were very clearly together. We a blast together that weekend, to the point I’m afraid we monopolized each other’s company horribly. It was on that trip that I learned that Jaeger and his blonde GF had broken up the previous spring.

After our trip was over and hugs exchanged (Tails bouncing around like an over-caffeinated ferret, and Jaeger picking me clear up off my feet), we agreed to meet up later that week. We all three went for a movie, and another evening Jaeger and I went to dinner where we were almost kicked out for being too awesome. I think the term the hostess used was “loud”, but I’m pretty sure she meant awesome. I will admit that our discussion on the last season of Game of Thrones got a bit heated. It was at dinner that I realized something was… off. Not in a bad way, but I was getting pretty confusing signals. Jaeger, who is not a causal toucher, kept, well, touching me. I was absolutely fine with it (I crave physical connection like some people crave chocolate) but I knew that was unusual for him. It made everything seem way more flirty, which seemed odd since he was “with Tails”. I just put it down to Jaeger feeling more comfortable with me after hanging out so much. I’ve had gay/bi friends want to snuggle before and nothing was meant by it. I figured this was more of the same. Also, Jaeger gives amazing hugs and I'm not one to deny myself wonderful hugs.
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Jaeger: 34, bi, LTR with Tails, dating me.
Tails: 32, bi, LTR with Jaeger, dating me.
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Old 05-13-2016, 02:50 AM
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Part 5

Not long after out dinner, Jaeger invited me out for coffee. The whole week we'd been texting, while Tails and I sent each other cute kitten videos over Facebook. Jaeger and I met for coffee, and this was when he explained that he, Tails, and the blonde girlfriend had made up a longterm triad (nearly eight years) and she’d broken up with both of them the previous spring. They’d individually dated a bit since, but had nothing really come of it so far. Jaeger asked if I would be willing to pursue a relationship with him beyond friendship, and see where it went. He also explained he was deeply in love with Tails, and had no intention of leaving him. I was taken aback. I don't know what I'd been thinking; I knew Jaeger at least had been dating a lady, and I had learned that he and Tails had been together a really long time. I guess I just didn't do the math properly.

I have a very good friend who is in an open “V” relationship so the idea of polyamory was not new. It even made sense, philosophically. Actually applying it never occurred to me though! I asked him a bunch of questions that anyone else probably would have found rude or intrusive, but Jaeger takes that stuff in stride and answered every one as best he could. I knew about poly in theory, but I had no idea how it worked in practice. What did “dating” entail, a one-night stand? FWB? Something more permanent? Was Tails okay with this? I had by then started to really like Tails and I was worried if I started seeing Jaeger, the burgeoning friendship between us would be cut off. I was also sure that Jaeger would always end up at my place, because I couldn’t see how someone would be comfortable knowing their chosen lifepartner is canoodling with someone else in their own home. That seemed awkward. Jaeger explained that Tails and he did have an agreement not to bring partners home unless they were both comfortable with that person, even if only one was dating them. Tails still wanted to pursue a friendship with me; would prefer it in fact, and had already given Jaeger a “green light”. Somehow that made this all seem a lot less bizarre. I have no problem with someone I'm dating canoodling with someone they love deeply (as long as safe, sane, and consensual are met), other than initial surprise. I found the idea of Jaeger and Tails sexing each other up rather *cough* invigorating.

I liked that he didn’t immediately have all the right answers, though he addressed each concern as well as he could. He said that he was looking for a more permanent partner, but that didn’t have to be what we settled on. He was open to taking it slow. Eventually, I found out Tails was somewhat less willing to take it slow, and that did/does cause some friction. Tails is very… enthusiastic. He has a hard time taking anything slow, and he’d tell you that himself.

I considered it for a few days, and then was like, ugh FeatherFool, you fool. What are you worried about? Go for it! What’s the worst that could happen? You don’t like it and leave? Pshaw. Do it!

So I did, and we did.
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FeatherFool: 29, heteroflexible, dating Jaeger and Tails.
Jaeger: 34, bi, LTR with Tails, dating me.
Tails: 32, bi, LTR with Jaeger, dating me.
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Old 05-13-2016, 03:52 AM
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Part 6

Jaeger and I meshed really well. He is very level-keeled and isn’t upset by much, and I tend to be pretty driven. He is like a still pool that just goes on and on. Jaeger appreciates being the center of attention on occasion, and I enjoy having someone who I can pour all my considerable focus on now and again without them feeling overwhelmed. I was still apprehensive that Tails would feel left out or hurt, but nope. It was a bit bizarre to get a “I’m so happy for you!!!” text from Tails after Jaeger and I slept together the first time, but after some reflection it filled me full to the brim with warm fuzzies. Over the next few months Jaeger and I went to museums, the art gallery, several subtitled movies (Tails can’t stand them) and a Paint Nite where I “accidentally” dropped a paint-laden brush down the back of his shirt. Exasperated, he growled “TAILS!”, then froze. He stared at my face like he was waiting for me to explode for calling me his other lover’s name. I took stock of my reaction, and realized: I thought it was hilarious! And really sweet. By my way of thinking, it just said that he felt comfortable and affectionate towards me, at the very least, or else why would he have instinctively used Tails’ name, right? I once unthinkingly called my favourite elementary teacher “Dad”, and he was flattered. I saw no reason I should not be flattered, too!

He spent a fair bit of time at my house- I have a pool and hot-tub and Jaeger loves water- but then Tails spent time at my place too, just hanging out. I also spent a good bit of time during those first few months at their place, too. I thought it would feel awkward with Tails there, but it was surprisingly easy. Tails helped a lot. He is a bubbly person and it’s impossible to resist his friendliness when he is really trying. It wasn’t unusual for us all to cuddle together on the couch while we watched a movie. At first Jaeger was pretty much the center, but after a while it just didn’t seem to matter much who was cuddling whom. Both Tails and I are kind of touch-whores, so that worked out pretty nicely for us. Eventually, it got to the point where Tails and I cuddled irrespective of Jaeger being there or not (Jaeger, while a grade-A cuddler, runs really hot and sometimes needs a time-out. I, meanwhile, would happily cuddle until the world ended. If “cuddler” was a job description I'd make a mint).

I can't ever remember feeling jealous of Tails, even on the nights I was over and they went to bed together. Sometimes I was disappointed, but usually I could see that Tails needed some attention, too, and he was my friend. Of course I wanted him to have what he needed. Occasionally I felt a little left out when they were reminiscing about previous trips they'd taken, and other couple-y stuff. We talked about it when that happened and it helped a lot to know they didn't mean to exclude me; they wanted to include me in the stories. I did find it a little personally embarrassing sometimes, though. Tails is almost always up to mischief, and he had no compunctions about teasing me "morning afters" about how he'd had to wear his earplugs to sleep or whatever silly thing. While embarrassing, his jokes reassured me that he was okay with all this; if he'd been truly upset the jokes would have stopped. On the other hand, we both got pretty blase about kissing Jaeger in front of each other. I'd go get some popcorn, come back, and they'd be kissing on the couch (or vice versa). My relationship with Tails was beginning to change, though. At least, it was for me. I'd always found Tails attractive, but watching him kiss Jaeger made me think of... other possibilities. I'd discovered a new kink.

I wasn't sure how to broach the subject with the guys, or if I even should. I have no idea how Tails would feel about me getting all hot and bothered watching him kissing Jaeger. Or about how that sometimes we'd be swimming in the pool and he's use his arms to haul himself out and I could barely breathe, watching his shoulders move and his red hair gone dark and flopping in his eyes. Fwhuh. Those thoughts were quickly followed by whispers of residual shame. The possibility of being attracted to both guys had not come up in our conversations and I didn't know how to broach it. Somehow, being attracted to Tails felt different than being attracted to another friend. I'd had FWBs before, and hadn't minded being attracted to buddies. I think it was because Tails and I felt like Jaeger and I. Not exactly the same, since they are very different people, but the feels I had thinking of meeting Jaeger for lunch were very similar to the feels I got meeting Tails for drinks. The attraction I felt for Tails on top of that was pretty confusing, especially since I had no idea if it was reciprocated. I was worried that Jaeger would be upset with me, or Tails would be, and I was petrified of the sheer embarrassment of sitting down and explaining to them that I basically lusted after Tails as much or nearly as I did for Jaeger. If they knew, and Tails was upset, would I lose his friendship? Would I lose Jaeger too? I was slowly working myself into a right good froth over it and the more I worried at it like a terrier shakes a rat, the more I felt unable to just talk to them about it.

I've never been great at expressing my feelings. Usually I am better at expressing my wants and needs, but in this situation I just could't find my feet.

Thank the universe for Tails.
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FeatherFool: 29, heteroflexible, dating Jaeger and Tails.
Jaeger: 34, bi, LTR with Tails, dating me.
Tails: 32, bi, LTR with Jaeger, dating me.
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  #7  
Old 05-13-2016, 04:22 AM
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Part 7

One night, not long after the New Year, everything changed again. I was over at their house for an overnight, but Jaeger developed a migraine and went to bed early. They have a spare bedroom that I was using at the time but even though I understood why Jaeger had bowed out, I was not looking forward to sleeping the entire night alone. Usually Jaeger and I would retire, then he’d go sleep with Tails. This is fair, since I am a horrible pillow hog and if there are insufficient pillows- and there are always insufficient pillows- I have been known to use my bedbuddy's body parts with little thought to their comfort in my sleeping state. Anyways, staying up with Tails is always fun because we both love terrible late night monster movies.

So we were resting with our shoulders pressed together, my legs tossed across his and one of his arms around me, in usual cuddle-style. He was kind of absently brushing my hair across my shoulders. That happens to be one of my lets-immediately-initiate-sexy-times buttons. While it felt incredible, I turned to him to tell him maybe not to do that, because I was pretty sure if he kept it up I would just burst into spontaneous flames. I looked up at him... and his face. His pupils were absolutely blown, like I was some kind of delicious treat he desperately wanted to have. I’d never seen someone look at me that way unless we were literally engaged in sex already. It was breathtaking. We had one of those moments- you know the one. We’re just staring at each other and I can barely breathe and I’m so turned on I hurt. He touched my chin, and said “Is this okay?” and that was the perfect thing to say. It brought me back to myself, and I said “I’m not sure,” and he immediately backed straight off.

We took a few moments to gather ourselves back together, all the while my mind was going whoa, whoa, whoa and other less cognitive parts were shouting climb him like a tree! We ended up not talking for a while, and kind of eased back into our cuddle-position. When Jaeger and I talk about relationship things we tend to do it face-to-face or even across a table. I find it easier to talk to Tails when we are cuddling. I don’t know why. Anyways, I expressed that I liked him a lot and was interested in him, but was worried about how Jaeger and he would feel about that. I'm not really a cryer but I choked up so bad I could barely tell him how I was afraid of losing them both because I wanted them both. Tails replied that he more or less wanted to throw me down on the couch right then, and had for a while, but that he still needed to talk about it with Jaeger.

And wasn’t that giant sneaky fuck standing right behind us. I shit you not. He'd gotten up to get some Tylenol, heard me almost-crying and came over to see what the problem was.

We both just about leaped out of our skins when Jaeger clapped his hands on our shoulders, one on each, and said that he was all for this. And didn’t that just lead to more questions! Group dates? Individual dates? If I go on a date with one, do I have to do the same date with the other? What if I started to prefer one over the other? What if one of them decided they weren’t interested in me anymore, but the other was? Would the other relationship have to end, too? That didn’t seem very fair. And, honestly, I was intensely curious about, if it got to that… how in the world would sexy times work? Me and Jaeger? Me and Tails? Jaeger and Tails, with me doing something else? Me and both together? Where the hell do all the “bits” go? Do three people even fit on a bed without someone getting a knee in the face? Both the guys are pretty tall, especially compared to me; If I stretch up on my very most tippy toes I can almost kiss Jaeger on the collarbone (the man is a monster), and Tails has to bend down a little to comfortably put his chin on my head. I was a little concerned that I’d get squished, or lost. Seems silly now, but what did I know about multiple-people-sex? Nothing, that’s what.

Tails laughed and said we’d work on the smexy-time stuff. He wanted to go out a few times, but this time with the express purpose of courtship. So we did. And it was also wonderful. Where Jaeger absorbs what I give off, Tails and I feed off each other. That sounds parasitic, but it’s amazing. I am driven and intense, and he has boundless energy to keep up with me. I can be a bit set in my ways, but he thrives on new experiences and encourages me to explore things I normally would not. We are both very creative people (he writes, I paint and sculpt), and where I can be a little socially awkward, Tails is fluent in socializing and a master flirt-er. We unashamedly egg each other on while Jaeger patiently acts as our Straight Man. The relationship between Tails and I is a bit rockier sometimes than Jaeger’s and mine, I think because it generally burns brighter, but it’s no less sincere. He isn't one to keep things to himself, and I'm learning how not to as well. Tails has a poetic soul: he thinks he and Jaeger are like Air and Earth and I am the Water that flows between. I might tease him about it, but I like that image a lot. Jaeger, uncharacteristically, bought Tails and I an incredibly irritating singing “Congratulations!” card after the first time we slept together, which Tails accidentally-on-purpose broke, but then it would not shut up and we had to drown the poor thing in a glass of milk to save all our sanity.

And when we finally had a threesome, it was explosive like whoaaa.
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FeatherFool: 29, heteroflexible, dating Jaeger and Tails.
Jaeger: 34, bi, LTR with Tails, dating me.
Tails: 32, bi, LTR with Jaeger, dating me.
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  #8  
Old 05-13-2016, 04:48 AM
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Part 8

It’s about four months into this me-Jaeger-Tails-me thing (eight months since Jaeger and I started seeing each other) and it’s been wonderful. Sometimes we are at my place, and sometimes at theirs. Sometimes I’m with Jaeger, or with Tails, or both, depending on schedules and who is feeling what that day. I’ve always had a very high sex drive. I’ve always outmatched my previous partners, which was fine; I can take care of myself perfectly well thank you. It turns out, though, having two guys simultaneously is just about enough to tucker me out! Who knew. Watching them together, and the love they have for each other, just about makes me want to cry. I also get to indulge my new found kink basically at-will, which is also awesome.

There have been some rough moments, for sure. I am not well versed in emotional intelligence, and I am not used to needing to communicate as much and as often as we do. Sharing my worries and fears instead of dealing with them myself still feels awkward and scary. It's hard to trust that they are telling me the truth that they are just as happy as I am with being all together. I'm getting better at it, though. Tails has some self-worth issues, and I know he worries that when I need time alone in my apartment, just to be me, that it means I don’t want him anymore; no matter how often I reassure him that nothing could be further from the truth. Jaeger can seem a bit too laissez faire about dealing with concerns in our little group, and sometimes has a hard time understanding Tails' and I's more emotional moments. It is also difficult to be heard, sometimes, being with two people who have been in a relationship together for years. They have a kind of “couples’ short hand” that I am still learning.

Lately, I have been feeling a bit rushed. Tails-the-Poet loves to daydream about our futures, and that fills me full of angst wondering if I'm expected to suddenly work to make these dreams happen. He mentions how nice it would be for all of us to live together, and I start stressing he wants me to give up my beloved apartment, or for them to (horrors!) move in with me. He mentions coming out bi and poly to his parents and how nice it would be to meet my family, and I short-circuit considering the dire possibilities of that idea. Taking to him about it didn't really help, and Jaeger even less (though he listened really well and massaged my aching tight shoulders after, which was much appreciated). Right now, I've asked Tails not to share these with me until I can get a better handle on my reactions. I'd love to lay in the sun and dream with him, but right now I feel like so much has changed for me in the last six months that possible future changes feel utterly overwhelming.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, the first in quite a while, to talk some of this stuff over. I think it will help me clarify my feelings and concerns, and come up with some more effective coping mechanisms. I talked to Jaeger and Tails about it this afternoon, and they are both very supportive. Tails was a bit upset at first- apparently he thought he somehow “broke” me and that I needed to go get “fixed”- but this isn’t a “him” thing, this is a “me” thing. I’m not broken and I don’t want fixing. Sometimes I need a little professional help to understand myself, that’s all. Jaeger wants to pick me up from my appointment, but I’m usually drained and exhausted after so I think I will just go home and float in my hot-tub.

Anyways. Here’s hoping I gain some clarity and guidance over the next little while.

As a silly little aside: I ran the pseudonyms “Jaeger” and “Tails” past my guys, and they were fine with them: Jaeger for the machines in Pacific Rim, and Tails because it is pertinent to his interests! Tails then insisted that if they got nicknames, I do too, and went on to declare that “FeatherFool” was a name I gave myself and not a proper nickname. All the texts from him today have been addressed to someone named “Raptor Red”, and I am a little afraid that he means me! I suppose being named after one of my favourite novel characters is no bad thing
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FeatherFool: 29, heteroflexible, dating Jaeger and Tails.
Jaeger: 34, bi, LTR with Tails, dating me.
Tails: 32, bi, LTR with Jaeger, dating me.
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  #9  
Old 05-14-2016, 05:50 AM
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FeatherFool FeatherFool is offline
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Today was a strange day

I had my counseling session today, and it was pretty awful. I was shown to the regular room, settled myself and was excited to see my therapist again… and this total stranger walks in with a clipboard. Uh, hello where is my therapist. Turns out, I missed a very important letter from my councilor last summer. You see, the apartment I where I was living at the time was having major renos done, so I was being bounced around from suite to suit until I got fed up and moved apartment complexes entirely. However, among all that bouncing, my mail service was on hiatus for a while. Apparently the letter they sent explained that my therapist had adopted a baby and then decided not to go back to work. Good for her- I hope she is happy even though I am not one for babies- but I was not prepared for a meet-the-new-therapist session today, and I feel betrayed. I know, they sent me a letter. I know I just called and made my appointment with the office and did not clarify who I would be seeing, but I have been seeing her on and off since I was 17 years old; I didn’t think I had to. Unfortunately, I did not react with grace and understanding and the poor new therapist- a young lady- got the sharp side of my temper. Eventually she got me settled down and I apologized (I was pretty embarrassed; I don’t really lose my temper much) but I just felt so uncomfortable. If I’d have known, I’d have been prepared better. I felt turned all topsy-turvy. It’s not the office or therapist’s fault that I missed the letter, but that doesn’t really make me feel any better.

Anywho, we eventually did get to “Why are you here today”, but when I explained I was in a poly relationship 1) she asked “and what is that?” and then when I explained she 2) immediately assumed I wanted help with my “sexual deviancy”. I stared at her for a bit, processing that, and then explained that no, I was quite pleased with my sexually deviant state and would appreciate it if she’d leave that bit intact. It was now her turn to be taken aback. She went on to say it was no wonder I had issues with anxiety and panic attacks if I was trying to lead such a lifestyle. I walked out at that point. I won’t be going back. I don’t have to put up with someone’s judgement for something that fills me full of good feels and happiness! I can find someone who wants to help me in the ways I want to be helped (if that makes sense).

It was snowing pretty hard here today, but I was so mad I stomped down the street for several blocks before I realized that I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to go see my guys. I texted Jaeger to see if it was okay that I come over (he said “Of course- and you didn’t have to ask!”- but of course I would; I don’t live there). They were finishing up the dishes from dinner but one look at my face as I stomped in and Tails came right over and wrapped me up in his awesome hug and rocked me back and forth and kissed my forehead and it was exactly what I needed. Jaeger made us tea and tucked us into bed and it was just… perfect. These guys. These guys.

Interestingly, while Tails was doing pet-the-FeatherFool, it was Jay who was really upset by my experience. I’d actually say he was more upset than I was. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that angry; he’s such a calm rational guy. I kind of expected Tails to be the one to go all knight-in-shining-armor (not that I require that kind of thing; I think I take pretty good care of my own self), but it was Jay who was set on giving them a piece of his mind. While I appreciate that he was upset that I was upset, I felt exasperated that not only did I have to deal with my own feelings about this, but now I had to talk him down off the ledge, so to speak. Like, really. I was the one who’d been there ergo I was the one who got to be mad, and if I wasn’t that angry then why should he be? I told him that calling my therapists’ office to tear them a new one was definitely beyond the boundaries of what I felt comfortable with. He huffed about it a bit more, but settled. He is kinda cute when he is all indignant on my behalf, though, not gonna lie. Still, I don’t want him thinking that he can just take battles from me without checking first. Tails was much more reasonable about the whole thing.

One day they are both going to be unreasonable about the same thing, and on that day I will bonk their heads together. That day was not this day, though.

We snuggled for a bit, but I had made plans with my poly friend for later that evening (and damned if I’d let one bad session ruin my plans for fun) so I eventually dragged myself out of bed and headed over to her place. I’m so glad I did! We had a great evening. We drank, ate junk food, and waxed poetic about our various partners. That was really nice; she is the only one who knows I’m in a poly relationship. It was nice to be able to gush about the guys without fearing judgement. She is happy for me! I think it was nice for her, too- she one of her partners are exploring a D/s relationship and it’s really new. I think she appreciated someone to talk to who wouldn’t judge either (even though what I know about D/s could be written on the head of a pin and leave plenty of room!). When I complained about the awful therapist, she gave the name of a poly-friendly councilor that she had gone to for couple’s therapy! I’m very pleased. I’ll definitely call them Monday to see if they are accepting new patients.

I’m home how, snuggling the cat and finishing the bottle of wine we’d opened. I’m so glad I was able to lean on my guys for support today, and then spend time with a wonderful friend.
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FeatherFool: 29, heteroflexible, dating Jaeger and Tails.
Jaeger: 34, bi, LTR with Tails, dating me.
Tails: 32, bi, LTR with Jaeger, dating me.
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  #10  
Old 05-15-2016, 09:02 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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What a delightful story! I'm so glad you shared it...started it...made a blog.

Such a pleasure to see your joy.

Also, just wanted to mention that there actually are professional cuddlers. Google 'professional cuddler' and see!
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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