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Old 03-30-2015, 05:02 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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Default Hmmmmm....

I posted a thread once before in the medieval times of my explorations into polyamory, back before I had much more than an inkling of a clue of what I was doing with my life. I've come a ginormous way since the beginning, and I'm constantly finding myself covering new ground in building myself as a person and understanding myself and the world around me better.

So, without further ado, hello! Call me Hmm. I spend obscene amounts of time in my own mind, pondering, dreaming, scheming, philosophizing, questioning, and other such pensive acts, so Hmm describes me rather aptly. I'm male, in my early 20s, and getting my BS in Psychology by next spring. After that, what I'm concretely doing is just a toss-in-the-air at this point. I write a lot of lyrics that I'm itching to turn to music. I've a lot on my plate, as it is, alas

I describe my love life jokingly as being in a long-term relationship with my schoolwork, with romantic partners on the side. Reconciling the give-and-take of work and play has been an ongoing challenge which I'm getting much better at (not being too selfish but not being too giving, etc.). Coming from the medieval part of my love life into the Renaissance has hurt some loves along the way, and repatching things up into friendships has also been a part of this endeavor, but I don't need to get into that now. I turn to this forum often, finding an impressive wealth of knowledge and wisdom to ponder and contemplate when I'm toying with conflicts in my head.

On a whim, I felt like overcoming so many struggles to come where I've come, maybe I deserve a little thread all to myself? Humbly so. Hum...

Again, hello! Be proud of what you've accomplished. Always be hungry for more. But enjoy the meal, not just the more. I think I'll see myself out now
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Old 03-30-2015, 09:55 PM
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Greetings Hmm,

A belated welcome to you! Have enjoyed your posts in the past and hope to see more in the future. And, it's fine by me anytime (including this time) you want to start a new thread. I've started a bunch over the years.

Glad your time on the forum has been beneficial for you so far, I believe you have helped others as well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
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Old 04-20-2015, 10:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I believe you have helped others as well.
You flatter me! I appreciate the kind words much.

I've been rather drowning in a sea of homework lately, and that makes posting here (and dating for that matter) rather difficult. Where to begin...

It's been a day of potent reflection for me. I just spent the better part of yesterday with a fwb and things feel off. I've been soul searching for why. I think I'm falling into a familiar pattern of, when faced with emotional distance, trying to coax some kind of resolution out of it. Coaxing when someone had put up a wall has, in retrospect, been a fruitless endeavor. It's been a lot of how I've unwittingly pushed away the women I want to be closest to.

It's made no easier by how schoolwork takes up my time and energy and makes me more reclusive. It's hard to go on dates when I'm fighting the urge to catch up on sleep! It makes me less emotionally available.

I told her I needed to reflect on my feelings and we'll talk in person about it on Wednesday. Hopefully things will turn out well there!

Overall, I've been less ambitiously dating. I've been dating a poly girl, but we haven't seen each other in a few weeks. We both lead busy lives. I also have a pretty good feeling about a girl I've met on OKC. Overall, I'm doing quite the juggling act, and when the balls are dropping, I'm learning more to accept it and move in. Nonetheless, I'd much rather get back in the game and have someone to juggle with, more often.

Throughout my poly adventures, I've had some flames that gone have cold, and some that became excellent friends, and some that are somewhere on the fence. All in all, my focus now is just being me, getting by, and finding love and enjoyment wherever I'm able, but not letting anything take away from my ability to be grounded for myself. My big struggle now is finding people who are dependable, all while being dependable, and finding and fostering more and more better relationships with people, making a lovely tapestry out of it all. Here's to hoping the actions come to match the intents
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Old 04-27-2015, 08:32 PM
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So Hmm, how much schooling do you have yet ahead of you? and, what are you studying?

Re:
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"I told her I needed to reflect on my feelings and we'll talk in person about it on Wednesday. Hopefully things will turn out well there!"
How did it go?
Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 05-03-2015, 03:48 AM
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Thanks for checking in I've been busy as it gets, finals week just around the bend. I get my Psych BS spring 2016. My plans after that are vaguely get a part-time job and devote some free time to making my music, as I've mentioned previously.

As for the fwb, things went historically well. I told her I felt like she had a wall up, and she agreed as if she had wanted to get that off her chest as well. We pretty much blurted out at once how it was because she wanted the "white picket fence" family someday and I'm polyamorous, so we were on the same page the whole way through. "Just friends," we agreed amicably. Although, sure enough, this week we met up and chatted while I was on a break, and it ended in kissing. "I like things a little complicated," we agreed, laughing and smiling. It felt natural, and I had/have no expectations for what may come next. We're dining again on our familiar Monday night

I just tonight went to deliver dinner to another girl. We met on tinder, and she's the first poly person I've ever dated. She has had a girlfriend the whole time. We get along really well, and she awkwardly admitted while we were eating that she wasn't "as straight as she thought," ie "let's be friends." I felt really cool with it, really calm. That felt natural, too. I feel like I've found my center, and am content with myself in being single. I'm no longer desperate for love like I used to be. Now I'm just lonely and rather enjoying it :P

Apart from that, I have a good number of friends, mostly if not all female, with whom I'm very close. Two out-of-state crushes and a couple of in-state ex-fwbs (mostly texting, of course.). I just feel content appreciating people in my life for who they are, the way they fit in my life, and the way I fit in their lives. And in the meantime, I'm focusing more on being a better me, doing more with myself, being happier in a way no one else can do for me, only I can do for myself. So that's a work-in-progress, and a pretty fair overview of my life at the moment, love and all.

Hopefully soon I'll be getting that sleep I've been dreaming about That's my real object of affection right now, haha

Last edited by Hmm; 05-03-2015 at 03:51 AM.
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Old 05-03-2015, 08:57 PM
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Sounds like you're in a good place. I hope the sandman comes to visit you soon.
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Old 05-12-2015, 02:26 AM
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Thank you! I've got all but one final done, and I'm not too worried about this one.

I wonder, why must it be now that the semester is so close to done that my dating successes have to happen? Of course, I know now that my workload is much lighter, my mood and energy are up, and not to mention I have more free time to socialize. I want to half-jokingly throw my hands up in the air and exclaim, "it's not fair!" knowing full well how well I have it off right now.

I've come to terms with how, until I have my roots solidly set in a place I can comfortably call MY home, my life will be strained. Or at the very least, just having a place I can be free to make music and be myself. I need my freedom and I need my autonomy, things which at my parents' home I am not respected with. So my legal address isn't a "home" as I can consider it, and most of my friends are still figuring out this whole "adult life" thing too. I rent my first nondorm apartment this summer, which is an upcoming bridge to cross! How well we all mesh together long-term will surely remain to be seen, as will my schedule for next year. Fingers crossed.

Until then, I'm flying by the seat of my pants, as I do. Staying a few nights with this fwb here, maybe renting a hotel room for a few nights there. I still want to find an internship for my major. Making music is a big goal I want to put time into.

Romantically, I've been testing plenty of waters, so to speak, but I haven't found anybody I could really build a future with. I have entered some fascinating and unfamiliar territory, so at the very least, I can rest assured I'm not just wasting hedonistic time. But it's a tricky line to walk between lustful pleasure and genuine human connection. Testing waters is a mix of having fun, quelling loneliness, and sharpening my skills at comfortably bonding with a person. It's so much easier to spend a night with someone when there's no lingering thoughts of homework in the back of my mind.

I'm not there yet, wherever there is, but I'm building myself up stronger and better than ever, despite the bumps in the road. I'll keep on swinging (swinging my bat? swinging from the chandelier?) till then.

Onward I march and explore

Last edited by Hmm; 05-12-2015 at 02:32 AM.
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:32 PM
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You have the right attitude!
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Old 06-05-2015, 05:31 AM
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Thank you! Granted, it's not the attitude I carry with laser focus. A positive attitude is easier said than held, that is. But so goes the struggle! Today was another very positive-feeling day. I was in a good mood and felt like a wall holding me back just broke down, if that makes sense.

Datingwise, this summer has been just about as many moving parts as ever. Two girls I'm interested in suddenly expressed interest in me at the end of the semester, one of which I'm seeing regularly over the summer (let's call her Claire), the other I'll see again in the fall. The fwb who wanted to be friends, but then we went sexual again now started to date monogamous men again. I support that, and feel confident we can keep a close friendship working. I almost went on a date with a poly girl, but she went home out of state. Same thing with another girl I met on tinder a while ago. Two opportunities fade away. So it goes! I'm texting plenty of other maybes, and just going with the flow and enjoying whatever happens or doesn't. Moving parts all over.

This summer has been a lonely one. I've been feeling quite like an airplane missing a runway. I've been staying with Claire some nights, other nights sleeping in my car. I like the freedom of the latter, but the loneliness can be painful. I like the comfort of the former, but I don't like to just use her as a way to quell my loneliness. Plus, it's not like either of us own land, so finding space to be myself is a challenge. Thankfully! we had a really positive talk about who we are and why, and what we want, talking about exes and my polyness and what we want from the relationship. I feel closer to her now and more comfortable with us. I've realized how I am ambitiously devoted to polyamory, yet terrified by it. I've yet to make it work, so the ideas of introducing two lovers, of flirting in front of a lover, or of any of the "normal" taboos are still frightening. I think, that scariness is in part why I want to explore it so much, but I have to acknowledge that fear before I can face it, just like I have to face the pain of loneliness and accept it instead of cowering from it. Having that conversation with her was definitely a positive step forward for us.

I've also been making use of campus to record my music, and that process has been picking up steam. I've finished one song and have two more well in the works. Just the fact that I'm getting even a little bit of my music off my chest is a huge confidence booster. I can't just talk about it without sharing it, can I?

I think I've exhausted my steam for tonight. Sleep well, everyone!
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Old 06-05-2015, 05:33 PM
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Glad to hear you're progressing onward and upward.
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