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  #11  
Old 08-30-2009, 10:10 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Ok,
I want to post only to say, that in reading your posts you have used the words "i think" in reference to how she feels. This suggests that you do not actually KNOW how she feels.

Even if you leave her and enter into a poly relationship in the future, you will need to work on your communication skills!

TALK with her about ALL of this. Bring up conversations about how you feel, about your insecurities as well (b/c you have them... everyone does ).

My ex-husband cheated on me... TO THIS DAY I wonder if he had only been able to be honest with me, I could have been able to slowly enter into a poly relationship with him. I think he was poly, but did not know a word for it at the time. I know you are not cheating, but the point is that I would have considered it although he NEVER asked me in a serious manner.

I left him, and it hurt me, not because he had an affair, but because he lied alot.... outwardly, and he "lied by ommission". This is, in effect what you will do, if you don't express all these thoughts you have typed up on this forum.

She is your wife... you say thinks will work out if they are meant to be, but at least try talking to her... and if she isn't responsive the first time, try AGAIN. And AGAIN.

Eventually you have to make the decision for the benefit of your own happiness, but get rid of the "i think" and replace them with "I know".

I wish you luck...
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  #12  
Old 08-31-2009, 10:07 AM
flakey flakey is offline
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Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
It may be easier for you to both talk to an outside person than it is for her to feel you're using you "head shrinking" (another of hubby's gem) on her. Don't give up on the counseling idea. If she knows it may be the last resort and she wants to keep you, she'll take it.

Beyond that, if it's time you take a break I can't fault you. I drove my husband crazy when I was that insecure and I don't know how he got through it. I wish you the best.
Thank you. You are right that someone from outside can give us a different and possibly enlightening input on this all. I will suggest to her counseling if I see our private talks are not working out. Good luck for you becoming a psychologist


Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
One of the things that is different about polyamory is the treatment of jealousy. It is to be dealt with at the source or else it will become too big of an issue. In monogamy, the symptoms are treated.

Like if you are reading porn and your wife feel jealous by the women in it, a typical eaction is to no longer read the porn (where you couldbe caught). The more poly approach is to talk about why she feels jealous and explain that you see her much differently than the women in the pages (or in a browser). Let her realize that she is not in competition with these women and some of the jealuosy may die down.

I wish you luck.
Those were excellent words, I havent thought about it this way. The poly approach is great, thats exactly how I feel. I've been honestly trying to deal with why she is jealous and so on. Just yesterday we had a conversation after she asked me for the nth time if 'she was fat'. I again explained calmly and trying to be supportive, saying that all that is important is to be healthy and happy with oneself, and that for my part I think she is beautiful.

She is just not one of those people with super skinny body-types, but I've told her that each person has their own characteristics and that she is judging herself by comparing with other girls she sees on tv or advertisement or women magazine. I said that she isnt in competition with anybody, that I love her, that she is beautiful and that instead of complaining she is fat, she should just make her part and eat healthy/moderately (which she generally does anyways) and be active/make exercise. If one has a clear conscience, then there is no need for comparison, because one feels happy when being healthy and working towards fulfilling one's potential, instead of trying to match up to some abstract unreal image.

She seemed to listen, as she did other times, but I dont know if anything substantial will change.. In the end she said: 'yeah its easy for you to say when you are so skinny', to which I replied that yes im skinny but for men its different. Im too skinny for the stereotypical man, so I would also be unhappy if I was comparing myself to models, but Im not, because I know I eat well and do exercise, and I was born with this body so I have to accept it. She nodded and then changed subject. Each person has a limit of how much they can take of criticism/suggestions, so I didnt want to push it more and just let her be.. I am trying, though... Lets see

Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Ok,
I want to post only to say, that in reading your posts you have used the words "i think" in reference to how she feels. This suggests that you do not actually KNOW how she feels.

Even if you leave her and enter into a poly relationship in the future, you will need to work on your communication skills!

TALK with her about ALL of this. Bring up conversations about how you feel, about your insecurities as well (b/c you have them... everyone does ).

My ex-husband cheated on me... TO THIS DAY I wonder if he had only been able to be honest with me, I could have been able to slowly enter into a poly relationship with him. I think he was poly, but did not know a word for it at the time. I know you are not cheating, but the point is that I would have considered it although he NEVER asked me in a serious manner.

I left him, and it hurt me, not because he had an affair, but because he lied alot.... outwardly, and he "lied by ommission". This is, in effect what you will do, if you don't express all these thoughts you have typed up on this forum.

She is your wife... you say thinks will work out if they are meant to be, but at least try talking to her... and if she isn't responsive the first time, try AGAIN. And AGAIN.

Eventually you have to make the decision for the benefit of your own happiness, but get rid of the "i think" and replace them with "I know".

I wish you luck...
Thank you for your input

You are absolutely right I should keep trying and trying, and I will continue this for as long as we are together.. I think in a relationship one must try until the end, because if one gives up before, then its a lost battle and would be better to just quit the whole thing.. Its just a pity that lately the 'im gonna separate' side has been becoming more and more a real possibility, even though the trying continues.

By the way, when you mention I say too much "I think", its not so much because I dont feel like I know, but more a prudence. We humans with our limited little brains and our subjective illusions are too sure about everything, so I'd rather say that 'its possible' or 'I think', than 'I know' or 'this is like this'.

and one last thing: You are also very right that nobody is perfect and that nobody is free from insecurities, though I think in general at least in this relationship her insecurities are being more of a trouble to me/us than mine are being to her/us.

Last edited by flakey; 08-31-2009 at 10:11 AM.
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  #13  
Old 08-31-2009, 11:58 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flakey View Post
Just yesterday we had a conversation after she asked me for the nth time if 'she was fat'. I again explained calmly and trying to be supportive, saying that all that is important is to be healthy and happy with oneself, and that for my part I think she is beautiful.

She is just not one of those people with super skinny body-types, but I've told her that each person has their own characteristics and that she is judging herself by comparing with other girls she sees on tv or advertisement or women magazine. I said that she isnt in competition with anybody, that I love her, that she is beautiful and that instead of complaining she is fat, she should just make her part and eat healthy/moderately (which she generally does anyways) and be active/make exercise. If one has a clear conscience, then there is no need for comparison, because one feels happy when being healthy and working towards fulfilling one's potential, instead of trying to match up to some abstract unreal image.


"No, honey, you're NOT fat."
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  #14  
Old 08-31-2009, 01:09 PM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
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Dint get a chance to read beyon your first post.

Reminds me of ME & my thoughts & feelings for this girl. Gave her my life, sacrificed career, friends & other girl opportunities. She'd be insecure about me & me finding other women... etc and instead I REMAINED Faithful and she cheated on me tons.

Talk about insecurity & emotional drama & bipolar swings. It took 7 years for the drama to finally end with me broken & disillusioned about life, trust, love & faith. But im glad its over.

U want more details.. ask
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  #15  
Old 08-31-2009, 01:35 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
"No, honey, you're NOT fat."
That is a land mine. I have tried that before and got, "I thought you valued honesty. How can you say I am not fat?" (Previous girlfriend.) My stratitude is to pull a political maneuver and move away from the subject like, "Wow... ummm... You know that the mayo clinic has done a study on.... LOOK a squirrel!" Then run...
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  #16  
Old 08-31-2009, 01:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
That is a land mine. I have tried that before and got, "I thought you valued honesty. How can you say I am not fat?" (Previous girlfriend.) My stratitude is to pull a political maneuver and move away from the subject like, "Wow... ummm... You know that the mayo clinic has done a study on.... LOOK a squirrel!" Then run...
Then she's playing mind games, that's all.

I can't stand women who do that. If she thinks she's fat and you don't, HOW is that being "not honest" on your part.

I'd just be all like, fine, you're fat then, so go on a diet and get more exercise. If that doesn't work, maybe you should have your doctor check for a tumor on your pituitary gland.

I just don't understand this body-image problem lots of women seem to have. I realize that mass-media and pop-culture have programmed us with certain things that we have no choice over as small children, but FCOL get a grip, we're grownups now, we can choose to be ignorant and unsatisfied or we can confront our fears and insecurities and rise above them.

I have very little patience for drama over things that are semantically constructed and/or completely under our control or resulting from the choices we make.
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  #17  
Old 08-31-2009, 02:02 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Originally Posted by OneSoul View Post
Talk about insecurity & emotional drama & bipolar swings.
Not to attack on your first post, but you're standing on a landmine my friend. As far as I'm concerned. Was this woman ACTUALLY bipolar or are you just labeling her as such? Because...I'm about as bipolar as you can get and I am quite capable of monitoring myself and maintaining healthy relationships. I hate when people say "s/he's being bipolar" when they're not. Because it stigmatizes people like me who put ALOT of effort into controlling the disease.
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  #18  
Old 08-31-2009, 02:17 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Not to attack on your first post, but you're standing on a landmine my friend. As far as I'm concerned. Was this woman ACTUALLY bipolar or are you just labeling her as such? Because...I'm about as bipolar as you can get and I am quite capable of monitoring myself and maintaining healthy relationships. I hate when people say "s/he's being bipolar" when they're not. Because it stigmatizes people like me who put ALOT of effort into controlling the disease.
Sometimes, the term "bipolar" is used to describe when a person just can't make up their mind or keeps sending mixed messages. Those things MAY be true of some folks who ARE bipolar, but doing those behaviour patterns doesn't mean someone IS bipolar.
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  #19  
Old 08-31-2009, 02:23 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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And sometimes people who do stupid things are called "retarded". It doesn't mean they ARE retarded. But I'm sure true MR people don't appreciate stupidity being linked with retardation. Stupidity can be helped, retardation cannot. Indecisiveness and bitchiness can be helped, bipolar cannot.

Sorry. I don't have many big red DO NOT PUSH buttons. But this is one. And I'm not in any mood to have someone poking about by it right now. Unmedicated with pregnancy hormones raging through me and a needy child 24-7. I am on a tight leash....grrrrr
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  #20  
Old 08-31-2009, 02:31 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Unmedicated with pregnancy hormones raging through me and a needy child 24-7. I am on a tight leash....grrrrr
Ya, I was thinking about how hard that must be.
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