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Old 05-04-2014, 06:19 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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I'm hearing that you're really longing for more connection with A, and the current arrangement doesn't seem to provide that connection. It also sounds like your autonomy is being disrupted -- choices you'd like to be able to make are being made for you. Maybe there's some frustration over A's autonomy also being disrupted, and you're upset because that ultimately means your desire to connect with A more often is going unfulfilled.

Advice? There's only so much you can do here. You're right that B is showing signs of insecurity, which means she's afraid of losing something. What that is, we can only guess.

The thing about insecurity is that it can't be treated symptomatically. The root of the insecurity needs to be found -- the unmet needs or longings that are causing fear.

I agree that A and B would benefit from therapy, however that's a choice for them to make. They don't "need" to do anything.

There's a lack of communication within the group. B is speaking to you through A, but only via her actions not words, and it's nearly impossible to figure out what's going on in someone's head by the way another person responds to their behaviour. So I agree that a sit-down with the three of you would be good for everyone. Try to get to the root of what's bothering B and really try to have some empathy for what she's going through, let her know that you hear her and you care about her needs. It may or may not change her behaviour -- only she can choose to do that. But I'm fairly confident that without her feeling heard and understood, she won't be inclined to change her behaviour any time soon.

Meanwhile, as someone suggested, you could figure out what's the minimum that you can tolerate, and communicate those boundaries to A. Let him know that right now, the dynamic of this relationship is triggering more pain than joy, and that staying in it under the present circumstances is not likely to meet your needs. Ultimately, you only want relationships that serve life. If you can find ways to meet your needs in other ways so that your life is still fulfilled, then this relationship could continue under a different dynamic than you previously hoped. In other words, you could learn to accept his limitations for what they are, and be satisfied with what you can get.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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jealousy, metamour

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