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Old 05-02-2014, 04:24 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,885

Originally Posted by friskyone4u View Post

I agree with others that looking at this third person as some kind of sex "pet" was probably not good, or or maybe you used wrong terminology. However, I totally disagree with these statements that there is no turning back. That is a bunch of nonsense.
Most of the people on here were at one time mono with their partners and decided to try and then keep being poly. There is a tendancy of some to think that because one dabbles in poly ONE TIME that there is only one way to go, forward, and the partner who wants to put the brakes on is never correct in asking for that.
Your husband started out dishonestly in this, and he is basically just slept with this other woman a few times and to think that it is necessary for you and he to split because he is now dedicated to ploy for life is ludicrous. Partners survive affairs as reconcile all the time so to think that if you two communicate that he will never accept going back to your previous arrangement is silly.
Of course you cannot "force" anyone to do something, but as your husbands wife you do have the right to strongly tell him you expect this experiment to stop and if he loves you like I assume he does, he needs to at least put a hold on this until you have a lot more private discussion with him.
The NRE will eventually cease and then you two can decide if you want to re-evaluate this dabbling in non-monogamy.
You are his wife, she at this point is NOT a toy, but she is just a person he has had sex with a few times. hat is NOT equal in any terms as far as i am concerned.
Going back to the original relationship does not condemn the two of you to a lifetime of misery. There are millions who do it. They just do not normal;ly post here.
Good luck to you.
The only way to go back is if the husband agrees to dump his girlfriend. They've been together 3 months, he may not be willing to dump her just because the OPEN decided she was done with this woman.
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Old 05-02-2014, 07:23 PM
Lizzy30 Lizzy30 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10

Yes, I really do want out. I thought I was crazy because people were telling me to stick with it cause I'm already in it. In my heart this is not for me, after looking into everything that happened, I was not sold or in it 100% in the beginning so it makes sense that I want to revert back to my mono relationship. I've learned that you've gotta do lots of research and weigh the pros and cons before getting into this. It's not easily, it is a poly hell! Tks for all the advise guys, I can't talk to anyone that knows this stuff in my real life.
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Old 05-03-2014, 03:35 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

I do not agree with the notion that you can never return. People may not want to return, but it can be done with willing participants.

I see a few red flags.

1) He slept with her and told you after the fact? Was there an agreement in place that the relationship was even open for looking individually, or was it decided that you two would look for a woman together? When did you get over the betrayal in this short amount of time?

2) Why was there such a rush? A week after meeting? Sweet baby Jesus.

3) I am never one to tell folks about their safe sex choices or lack thereof, but if she is not on birth control and they are having unprotected sex, the next chapter might spell a lifetime commitment. Has it been discussed what would happen in the event of an unplanned pregnancy?

I realise that this is not quite what you thought it would be. It seems like you wanted the physical, and he wanted the emotional and physical aspects. I am assuming it was his/her/their idea to move towards a relationship.

Are you willing to compromise? What could you live with and not be bloody miserable? (Life is too short for that.) You stated that her being secondary and just being a V was a bit more palpable. Would having a schedule help? Would setting boundaries help? (Things like no texting/calling/FaceTime while you are with him, birth control, or any issues.) If you decide to stay and try to deal with his other relationship, what would you need? You can certainly tell him that you cannot do this and bow out gracefully. By doing that, you are not forcing him to choose or running the risk of him resenting you because you asked him to leave her. You would be taking the choice from him, but you would be doing what is best for YOU.

Whether you leave, stay, adjust to being in a V, or if it reverts back to a mono relationship, there are lessons to be learned. You have already learned of a couple: weighing the pros and cons and conducting research.

I hope it works out for you and gets a bit easier, Lizzy.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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Old 05-03-2014, 06:37 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,330

Yes, I really do want out. I thought I was crazy because people were telling me to stick with it cause I'm already in it.
That makes no sense to me.
  • Look, I dropped a glass and broke it. Well, I should go ahead and break the rest then, since I've already broken one.
  • Look, I bought something at the store. Well, since I'm already buying I should max out my card, since I already put one charge on it.

I could guess wrong, but I guess it is HIM or THEM together telling you that "you should stick with it because you are already in it."

Yeah, you COULD stick with it. It is one option on the table. (Note I say "could" and not "should.")

It's a path you COULD take, but whether or not you actually chose that is up to YOU. You are the boss of you. You decide what you choose to do. Not him. Not them.

YOU own your willingness to participate or continue to participate in things. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to do what is in YOUR best interests.

If you want out -- could pick that. That too is an option on the table that you could choose. There could be other options, but that seems to be the one you lean toward most.

In my heart this is not for me, after looking into everything that happened, I was not sold or in it 100% in the beginning so it makes sense that I want to revert back to my mono relationship.
Sure. You are allowed to have your own preferences. This experience has not been wonderful for you so of course you want no more of it. Most people could easily understand that! Who wants to sign up for MORE ugh when they are already past their limit?

For you to revert to a monoshipping style is all on you.

For you to revert to a monoshipping style together with him? That is not just your willingness to go there, but also HIS willingness to go there.

Guard against being tempted to stay in something you do not want (a 3 people thing) just to stay in his orbit though. That's a good way to build more/new layers of unhappiness.

I've learned that you've gotta do lots of research and weigh the pros and cons before getting into this. It's not easily, it is a poly hell!
Yup. People can choose to open up more carefully and have it be a good experience. Opening up too fast, too carelessly, or too thoughtlessly can lead to not so good experiences though.

Hang in there -- whatever you ultimately decide for yourself. You can do this.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-03-2014 at 07:04 AM.
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Old 05-03-2014, 12:45 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 49

Originally Posted by Lizzy30 View Post
We were actively looking. Messed up thing was that he met her without me and slept with her that same night then told me the next evening. He was dishonest and I felt betrayed. Anyway the next week we met, her and I. After meeting her and we all slept together I felt like it could be a relationship. The problem for me was the adjustments due to his extreme NRE but there was concerns about her too, she's still not on birth control and they have unprotected sex.
I understand that you see the whole experience as a mistake but as others have said it isn't possible to just turn the clock back as if none of it ever happened.

It may be possible for you both to eventually go back to a mono relationship but that is not a choice that you can make alone. Whatever happens you have a lot of decisions to make for yourself and I just wanted to flag up a couple of things which need your attention.

You mention that he slept with her on the night he first met her and then later you say that they are still having unprotected sex. Have you even discussed safety? Your sexual health is your responsibility but you should be able to trust your partner to respect you enough to behave safely. If he can't do that you have to do what ever is necessary to protect yourself.

The I'm guessing that the chances of his relationship with the other woman being a long term one are fairly slim. However if he is having unprotected sex the chances a pregnancy are significant, has he thought about that? Is he ready to be a parent? Has he considered that he could find himself paying child support for the next 20 years?

I really hope you can find a way through this. Please encourage your partner (and the other woman) to take a step back and think seriously about these important matters. In the longer term you and your partner need to discuss the issues around responsibility and trust.
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