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  #11  
Old 04-30-2014, 10:29 PM
LMiment LMiment is offline
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Thank you again for everyone's advice. I decided that I had better tell him today while I still had a bit of courage left from telling him about how I felt about the sexual relationship.

I wanted to make telling my husband of my pregnancy more private - tell him first, then tell M and T tomorrow. However, it didn't go as planned. I pulled him aside while M and T were having a date so to speak (All of us will have romantic times (dates, seeing movies, etc.) with just one of the others on occasion) and I did one of those cute pregnancy announcement things by giving him a little stuffed animal and I said it was for the baby. Of course, he was a bit confused because I should give it right to M, but when I said it was for ours (I'm sure it's his, as I've only had full on 'sex' with T a handful of times and the last time was before even M got pregnant). He was very happy and it was very sweet like all of the movies make it out to be until M and T came home. The second they got in the door, he told them and while they were quite happy too, they sat me down and immediately started a lecture about me no longer taking my medication, getting me on prenatal vitamins and medications that will help me gain weight, how I needed to figure out time off work, etc. It got worse when they asked how far along I was and when I said nearly twelve weeks, they kept asking how long I had known and I finally admitted and... well, I put myself into this hole, so I can't blame anyone but myself. They got so upset and hurt that I didn't say anything and they insisted that everything was going to be fine...

But this can't all be fine! My husband keeps researching all of these things like 'depression during pregnancy' and 'what to do if you have an eating disorder while pregnant' and looking up how much weight I need to gain. I just told him I was pregnant a few hours ago! He's already looking up all of these doctors and saying I should go to M's because apparently she's amazing and that I need to gain around fifty pounds based on my height and current weight!? That can't be right!! M is already showing me all of her old maternity clothes that I could borrow and got mad when I said maternity clothes weren't an issue. Sweats are fine, their comfortable, why spend money are maternity? T keeps asking how I'm feeling and is already making dinner and trying to get as many carbs into the damn meal as he can... God, I don't know what to do. I'm panicking because, yes, I want this baby so much, but everything is in a whirlwind in only one day...
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  #12  
Old 04-30-2014, 10:58 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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First of all, congratulations, and if you choose to continue with the pregnancy you should keep in mind that this is YOUR baby and YOUR pregnancy, not M's.

You do not have to choose the things she chooses, and you should also tell your partners that they should s l o w d o w n... Yes there are considerations, and you will need to speak with your health care provider about whether staying on the meds or going off them is the better choice. You should not just have a knee jerk reaction to stopping the meds, and neither should they. A mommy who is off her much needed psych meds is not necessarily better. It is a risk assessment situation.

Are you still in therapy? You should probably have someone to talk to about the feelings that can come up around weight gain in pregnancy. It is not easy even for women who dont have pre-existing eating disorders. You will need to learn to trust that your body will gain only what you need to support the pregnancy. This is a process, but you can do it.

It is also common for women to feel very differently about sex in pregnancy. Some are more sexual and some are less. Both are normal. Just find your new current normal and ask your partners to help you adjust. And interview different types of providers, docs as well as midwives. One will likely resonate with you more than the other and help you feel safer about moving forward.

One day at a time...

Willow
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Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori


Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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  #13  
Old 04-30-2014, 11:03 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I have depression and anxiety disorder. During my pregnancies, I wasn't able to take my meds, but the hormones (or something) lessened the conditions to the point where I was able to cope without meds for those nine months.

LMiment, it sounds like the other three are excited but also concerned. And it sounds like they're putting more stress on you by jumping all over you about everything all at once. As Willowstar said, ask them all to slow down and stop overwhelming you. There's a lot that needs to go into a pregnancy, but it doesn't all have to be figured out at once, and it isn't helping matters if they're throwing idea after idea and problem after problem at you.

As for how much weight you should gain during pregnancy... that isn't up to anyone other than a health care PROFESSIONAL to determine. The internet doesn't know everything.

Good for you for telling them about your pregnancy. You're gaining strength in the situation everytime you speak up for yourself. So keep speaking up, and know you have support here.
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Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 45, undetermined
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #14  
Old 05-01-2014, 05:46 AM
london london is offline
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The issues they are talking about aren't unimportant and if you're going to keep this baby and want you both to be healthy, you do have to consider them. Of course, with the guidance of a health care professional. You can't wait when it comes to "is this medication safe for a developing fetus?"
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  #15  
Old 05-01-2014, 07:05 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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The first time I got pregnant, I was depressed (but I didn't have an eating disorder, so I know nothing about that). It took me a long time to realize that I need to go to thereapy if I want to be able to take care of a baby. It took even longer to realize that I needed it to be able to take care of me! My therapy started just before the baby was born, but it would have been better if it would have started earlier.

Do speak up. Do tell others about what _you_ need and want and where your limits are. Talk about your fears, too. Talking about these things and recognizing and naming you boundaries are skills you are going to need as a mother. I felt like my first born was constantly scratching my soul with his presence. I was too open to everything, I had no knowledge of my own boundaries, even I kept crossing them all the time. And to add a child to thatů You still have time to work on these things. And you clearly have people who care about you and want to help. Use the opportunity. Let them. You have already taken a good start at talking about you, I think you can learn all this
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