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  #1  
Old 05-03-2014, 09:16 PM
adore adore is offline
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Default my journey

For the past 3 years or so I have been through a lot of ups & downs, emotionally as well as physically and mentally. My world shattered in so many ways. I didn't know how to express of fully understand it until recently. I choose to seek a romantic relationship with my "friend" whom was also my friend with benefits. Because of the length of our friendship and what I thought was an "open & honest" friendship, I thought why not him? I asked him if he was interested in seeking a relationship with me and he was honest about how difficult it would be to be in a romantic relationship with him. But I didn't realize HOW difficult.
We became pregnant not too long after we started our official romantic relationship and we were so happy. We had some issues to work out with both having children from previous relationships and our communication skills as well as now seeing each other in a different light.
We originally met at a swingers event so it was "out" that he desired to have sex with other females and he was very open on not wanting me to be with other men. It was a silent type of agreement. I had no idea what I really was getting into and he also did not divulge much information.
So my insecurities shortly began to get the best of me and I began an "investigation". When I finally bought it to his attention that I knew about "her", which seemed way more than sex. This is when the "poly bomb" was dropped as well as his bdsm world. Here I am 6 months pregnant devastated!!! I had no idea what to do or how-to do it or how to deal with it properly.
I felt so alone. No support from him was given because now realizing he didn't know how to. And he's not the type of man to take a conformtive approach in learning how to help me. Sigh So many things were at stake and I wanted to just leave! But I decided to stay, thinking,hoping an praying I could deal with it. Now realizing I want to be able to also embrace it.
Unfortunately we lost that child to miscarriage. Which did not help us or me adjust to poly lifestyle any better. But I did know I needed to take care of myself in this respect of the loss of our son. I seeked counseling to deal with the lost.
We have all tried different approaches in working thru any and all issues but because of the lack of trust and so much time now passing by (imo) it just isn't and hasn't worked. So basically my SO lives 2 separate lives.
To date , we have a 2 month old newborn. He is still with his girlfriend and we have moved in together, my SO & I. There is no communication between me and his gf. And now I have also come to terms with being bisexual.
I've recently realized I never took the actual time needed to heal and take care of me when the poly bomb was dropped. I always knew that I wanted my future husband to be able to openly have sex with other females but never thought of the emotional part that may occur. However being that I was in a relationship with my "friend" I thought he would be honest with me no matter the circumstances. And that didn't happen. So I needed to then mourn the loss of what I considered a true friend. Had to re think and re program my thoughts on an open relationship. Coming to the conclusion that my SO cannot provide me what I emotionally need and want from a relationship. So now I've decided to actually look into having a relationship with a woman in order to have those needs and wants fulfilled as well as sexual desires. As well as Seeking the positive support needed on my own by joining online groups and eventually going to group meetings as well.
Since we recently cannot come to a compromise to have STD testing done, my SO and I are not sexually active at this time. Not in the last month actually more with the new born baby in the mix. He still hasn't been open with me with his other relationship even after I asked him too. So now I'm thinking to myself, what am in getting out of this relationship?? I thought my problem was with him being poly but actually it's how he handles and deals with me one on one and any issues that arise within our poly relationship. I've tried talking to him, writing him letters but nothing seems to work. So do I just go on with another relationship and get the things I need and want and be with my SO especially since I am in no way being a single parent. I even suggested us being parents in the same home but no romantic relationship but he says he cannot handle me dating men. Sigh. I plan on being happy no matter what but I also don't want to live a life of disillusion. Any advice?
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  #2  
Old 05-03-2014, 09:30 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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So he gives you no support, no sex, doesn't communicate, but also could not handle you seeking these things in others? From your description it seems that you have sought mutual understanding with him, learning to accept his personal needs and desires. He has not offered you the same in return. Inho, this does not qualify as a relationship, which absolutely requires communication, understanding and compromise. How does he suggest you have your needs met?

I will leave you with this quote:

When love forces you to make a decision between love and freedom, always choose freedom. For love cannot flourish in confinement and freedom always brings new opportunities.

~Kate Bornstein
__________________
-Me: 51, female, relationship anarchist
-The Philosopher: semi-LDR, 44, male - my intellectual twin; relationship anarchist.
-Intellectual Elf, 27, female, the Philosopher's LDR
-Polkadot, 36, dating the Philosopher
-Wiseman, 68, male, solo-poly, my budding LDR
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  #3  
Old 05-03-2014, 11:49 PM
graviton graviton is online now
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this guy sounds like an absolute self absorbed ass. Why even be with him? He has nothing of value to offer.
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  #4  
Old 05-04-2014, 05:26 AM
adore adore is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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He Is opened with me seeking my desires and needs with a woman. Just not with a man and I did agree to this in the beginning of our relationship. Imo I'm not sure if he can actually deal with 2 emotional minded people. I mean I can't fully say what's going on in his other relationship however there is no emotional connection FOR ME! There's a lot of in between things of course. And a lot of mistrust between us all which is understandable. Not to say I haven't ever been @ fault on several occasions but I'm looking at the bottom line here. Sigh. I don't want to get into another relationship when my primary relationship is not in a good place for me. He seems to be ok with where we are at, I guess. He hasn't stated otherwise.
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  #5  
Old 05-04-2014, 06:31 AM
london london is offline
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He seems like a real waste of time.
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  #6  
Old 05-04-2014, 12:33 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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What reasons do you have for staying?
__________________
-Me: 51, female, relationship anarchist
-The Philosopher: semi-LDR, 44, male - my intellectual twin; relationship anarchist.
-Intellectual Elf, 27, female, the Philosopher's LDR
-Polkadot, 36, dating the Philosopher
-Wiseman, 68, male, solo-poly, my budding LDR
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