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Old 04-25-2014, 02:11 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Default Do I speak up or butt out?

I have a friendly acquaintance I will call Sam. Sam is involved in the early stages of a romantic, long-distance relationship with Lisa. I am also pretty good friends with Bill, one of Lisa's partners. Bill has revealed to me that his relationship with Lisa has been sexless for some years, and that furthermore, she is celibate with all her numerous partners, including her spouse. I do not know if she is asexual or has health issues, but it sounds like a combination of both, from the little Bill has told me.

I am 99 percent certain that Lisa has not revealed her celibacy to Sam. I am also 99 percent certain that Sam would not be pursuing this long-distance connection romantically, if at all, if he knew this.

I will not betray Bill's confidence in me, but I am wondering if there is any way to inspire Sam to ask Lisa questions that will help him avoid a worst-case scenario (say, him buying a very expensive plane ticket and traveling to see Lisa, without knowing that she intends their relationship to remain platonic)?

Of course, I suppose it is possible that Lisa is 1. lying to Bill and does have sexual relationships with her other partners, just not with him, or 2. that she is open to a sexual relationship with Sam even if she doesn't have one with her other partners. No way of knowing.

And yes, I know that this isn't my business and I should probably butt out. I just like Sam a lot and wondered if there was any way to help him avoid being hurt or disappointed, without being a busybody.
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Old 04-25-2014, 02:20 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Yes, I would butt out.
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Old 04-25-2014, 02:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
And yes, I know that this isn't my business and I should probably butt out. I just like Sam a lot and wondered if there was any way to help him avoid being hurt or disappointed, without being a busybody.
I'd butt out.

But for myself? Examine that bit. What's so horrible about witnessing Sam having to process hurt/disappointment?

Galagirl
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Old 04-25-2014, 03:20 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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GalaGirl, I tend to feel protective of people I like, and want to spare them pain if I can.

I guess I am also not a big fan of Lisa, she has been pretty nasty to at least one of her metamours, who is a good friend of mine.

The poly world can be too small sometimes.
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Old 04-25-2014, 03:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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GalaGirl, I tend to feel protective of people I like, and want to spare them pain if I can.
Yes, in your OWN relationship with Sam you could strive to not bring him pain. But you could trust that he can handle his life's problems and deal with his life's upsets/disappointments and deal with his other relationships. Healthy boundaries.

What did she do to the metamour (your other friend) that was mean? Why kinda worried she will do this to your friend Sam and NOT sounding kinda worried she will do this/is doing this to your friend Bill?

Is this about envy? You say you like him a lot -- is it that Lisa (someone you dislike) is getting attention from Sam (someone you like a lot) and you would like more of his time and attention yourself as a friend or as more?

I'm sorry you struggle, but really it's his business who he dates. Even if he dates people you do not like.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-25-2014 at 04:38 PM.
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Old 04-25-2014, 03:51 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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MYOB...

Keep your nose out of relationships that are not your own.
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Old 04-25-2014, 07:49 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I also wouldn't get in the middle of it.

Choosing not to have sex is her right. Relationships don't ALWAYS include sex, and people should NEVER assume they're going to get it. If Sam cares about Lisa and wants to visit her, he should do that. Regardless of whether or not they will/won't have sex.

I would be a bit concerned that Bill finds it appropriate to mention that information to you unless it's something Lisa makes public. That is her private life he is blabbing about. If he's unhappy with the lack of sex in his relationship with Lisa, he could be purposefully trying to plant a seed of discontent between Lisa and Sam in the first place.

Sounds like there could be some shady motives and way too much convolution for me, personally. I'd butt out and just be there to support the people I care about when they need me.
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Old 04-26-2014, 01:21 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It is hearsay, and not apppropriate nor ethical to repeat it. Leave her alone. You don't know (nor need to know) what your friend gains from his communications with her. If it turns out that he wants to bang her and she tells him he can't, I am sure he'll be able to take care of himself. It certainly wouldn't be the first occasion in history where a man wanted sex and couldn't get it, for goodness sakes. And you don't need to try to steer his relationships in a direction you think they should go. It seems quite mean-spirited to me, to even consider repeating such gossip just because you dislike the chick. I think a bit of maturity on your part, and less need to control, is in order.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-26-2014 at 02:57 AM.
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Old 04-26-2014, 02:22 AM
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Re (from scarletzinnia):
Quote:
"I tend to feel protective of people I like, and want to spare them pain if I can."
Well that's perfectly understandable, I'm sure most of us feel the same way. But, alas, sometimes we can't spare them the pain of some particular situation. Although we can still be there for them with a listening ear and shoulder to cry on if they should need that.

Technically, you could inform Sam of what Bill had said. But then you'd be participating in gossip and I think you've already decided not to do that. So, then, what can you do?

Re (from OP):
Quote:
"I am wondering if there is any way to inspire Sam to ask Lisa questions that will help him avoid a worst-case scenario?"
Goodness, how would you do that? That would be quite an acrobatic feat as far as verbal communications go.

Given your general dislike of Lisa, I suppose you could argue that you'd worry for anyone who'd get involved with her -- fearing for them without specifically knowing why. In which case you could tell Sam, "Just be careful, okay? I don't know if I trust this Lisa person."

And even saying that much puts us in a moral gray area. So the point is, I can't think of much of a way you can help Sam without compromising your own ethics. You know, even if he gets burned, he'll learn wisdom from it. Wisdom is a good thing.

I know that's not much help, but there it is FWIW.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-26-2014, 04:40 AM
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You know what I'm going to say and I think you starting this thread is indicative of your greater need to control everyone and everything.
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