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  #21  
Old 04-29-2014, 07:47 AM
london london is offline
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The reason I definitely wouldn't enable a cheater is because if his angry spouse comes hunting for me, it might impact on my son. Say she smashes windows or.confronts me in his presence?
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  #22  
Old 04-29-2014, 11:57 AM
BDaemon BDaemon is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh, so you only want answers that tell you what you want to hear instead of actual constructive feedback? You want us to say that lying and cheating behind a spouse's back is all puppies, cupcakes, and rainbows, and yes, it can lead to happy poly? You want us to tell you to go and confront his wife and tell her you're in loooooove with her husband, so she should "please open up your marriage so we can be together?" You want us to paint a picture of a happy ending when that is very unlikely? Ain't gonna happen. Let us know when you're ready to face reality.

Did you read my previous post in this thread? When a couple considers opening up from monogamy to polyamory, it could take years of deep discussion and therapy and wrestling with painful issues before they are both ready for poly - and there is no guarantee that will ever happen. They might renew their commitment to a monogamous marriage or split up altogether, and you don't want to be involved with a brokenhearted man who has lost everything.

No matter how much "more" there is to the situation, as you see it, you are deluding yourself to think that you have to make it happen. You have been playing with fire and you think no one will get burned. You've put this man in a situation where he is forced to lie to someone he loves. Do you think she will accept that betrayal and say, "Oh, poly? Okay, hon, go for it!" There is no reason to be so selfish.

Christ, did I ever say I thought this was "puppies and rainbows" or whatever the hell you took the small snippet of my story as? No, I didn't. I said that I have an issue that I was hoping to get feedback about because it is actually bothering me. Being immediately told that I'm "kidding myself" as such a finite resolution to someone I feel so strongly about....yeah, kinda took that the worst way I suppose. That doesn't mean I completely ignored what was said. It just doesn't do anything to help me.

Sorry to get defensive and sorry to Kernow if I made it sound like I was being flippant about her situation and story, but holy hell.....thanks for taking what little I felt comfortable opening up about and making it sound like I'm the scum of the earth because I'm daring to try to figure out my situation without anyone's heart being stomped on. I already know that the original situation was the wrong one and a mistake, hence why he and I both backed off before anything could really happen that we knew we'd regret. Now here I am asking about what I initially believed to sound like a reasonable success story in regards to a situation similar to my own (which I was mistaken about....again, I apologize if I sounded like I was glorifying it, Kernow), and I get slammed by someone who takes my 2 sentence response as complete ignorance and decides to go off on me with condescension and sarcasm.

Last edited by BDaemon; 04-29-2014 at 12:16 PM.
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  #23  
Old 04-29-2014, 01:19 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Don't know what kind of help you can expect other than maybe a cheering section from some who may not care about damage as long as they get what they want. I always thought the whole idea of "ethical non-monagamy" of any sort was that honesty and openness were the building blocks. If you want to become his mistress you do not need any advice from anyone. You are capable of doing that by yourself.
If your friends partner is going to be the "cheated on wife", I agree with NY Cindie and the others. You are not in any kind of poly relationship, you are just the "other woman"
That's up to you. Doesn't seem too complicated
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  #24  
Old 04-29-2014, 02:01 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BDaemon View Post
Christ, did I ever say I thought this was "puppies and rainbows" or whatever the hell you took the small snippet of my story as? No, I didn't. I said that I have an issue that I was hoping to get feedback about because it is actually bothering me. Being immediately told that I'm "kidding myself" as such a finite resolution to someone I feel so strongly about....yeah, kinda took that the worst way I suppose. That doesn't mean I completely ignored what was said. It just doesn't do anything to help me.

Sorry to get defensive and sorry to Kernow if I made it sound like I was being flippant about her situation and story, but holy hell.....thanks for taking what little I felt comfortable opening up about and making it sound like I'm the scum of the earth because I'm daring to try to figure out my situation without anyone's heart being stomped on. I already know that the original situation was the wrong one and a mistake, hence why he and I both backed off before anything could really happen that we knew we'd regret. Now here I am asking about what I initially believed to sound like a reasonable success story in regards to a situation similar to my own (which I was mistaken about....again, I apologize if I sounded like I was glorifying it, Kernow), and I get slammed by someone who takes my 2 sentence response as complete ignorance and decides to go off on me with condescension and sarcasm.
I actually thought my response had been quite measured. I'm certainly not saying that you are a terrible person, but I do think that by daring to hope that this can be worked out without anyone getting hurt is unrealistic. I give you credit for pulling back and not letting it go too far, but I honestly believe that you will be the one who is most likely to get badly hurt. You are right that the outcome for us has been good in the long term, but I think ours is a fairly unusual situation. I tried to give you an objective answer, I care very much about the other woman involved in our situation and while we are all happy with our situation she would be the first to admit that in many ways she has been short changed by my husband.

I have tried to tell you honestly about our situation, it is not meant as criticism of you. I like the way our life is now, I wouldn't want to change it very much but in all honesty I don't think it is perfect from the other woman's viewpoint.
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  #25  
Old 04-29-2014, 03:40 PM
Tigger40 Tigger40 is offline
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I'm very new to this forum (and new to poly) and I am disappointed. Forums frequently degenerate into disrespectful judgments. It was naive to think that a forum dedicated to polyamory-- something that's inherently vulnerable to judgments from our social networks-- would be more sensitive.

What I was hoping for was experiences. To those of you who shared your experiences, thank you. Those who have experience being someone's secret seem inclined to not repeat the experience. That is useful information to me.

I am disappointed by the disrespectful judgments on BDaemon. She's struggling with tough decisions, she is hurting, and we jump down her throat. Perhaps we can find it in your hearts to offer loving advice and your experience to BDaemon rather than our 'moral superiority'. Look back at our words, ask yourself, if you were in her place, how would those words affect you? Were they helpful? Would they persuade you to feel differently? Would you cease to love the person whose secret you are? Would the pain you feel hurt LESS after someone accused you of 'puppies and rainbows'?

Or would our words hurt and alienate you?

Again, thank you to those who shared your experiences. I will ponder your words and reflect.
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  #26  
Old 04-29-2014, 04:10 PM
BDaemon BDaemon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
I actually thought my response had been quite measured. I'm certainly not saying that you are a terrible person, but I do think that by daring to hope that this can be worked out without anyone getting hurt is unrealistic. I give you credit for pulling back and not letting it go too far, but I honestly believe that you will be the one who is most likely to get badly hurt. You are right that the outcome for us has been good in the long term, but I think ours is a fairly unusual situation. I tried to give you an objective answer, I care very much about the other woman involved in our situation and while we are all happy with our situation she would be the first to admit that in many ways she has been short changed by my husband.

I have tried to tell you honestly about our situation, it is not meant as criticism of you. I like the way our life is now, I wouldn't want to change it very much but in all honesty I don't think it is perfect from the other woman's viewpoint.
No, I thank you for your candidness. It's all stuff I'd pretty much considered and have been trying to work my way through. I realize that I might be on the losing side of things and of course I might get hurt. I'm not so naive to believe everything could come up roses. But I also know I've never come across a situation where I've felt as strongly about a person before, to the point where I didn't feel jealously towards their significant other and actually want them to stay together. To have that happen says something far different about this situations than others, to the point where I at least want to attempt compromise.

However, not as the "secret". I know for a fact I can't continue as that. If that means waiting in the wings and it only being friendship for now....then that's what I'll do, and continue to hope that he and I can find a way to make it work with his wife some day. If something is worth it, it's worth it to be patient and with open communication. I know that now.

Thank you Tigger for the understanding. It seems once some people see certain trigger words or situations, they automatically believe that the person is morally unethical and therefore deserving of some kind of shaming. (as if that helps the situation at all) No, I do not want to be the mistress or the woman-on-the-side or whatever the heck frisky and nycindie want to assume I am, or assume I am okay with. I'm not. If I was okay with the situation, I wouldn't bother asking for advice. I wouldn't be bothering trying to change things, and make up for initial mistakes. I'm new to this whole shebang and I thought opening up here was the best place for feedback from people who've been there, and though I knew not all of it would be positive...I guess I was thinking there would be a lot less venom.
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  #27  
Old 04-29-2014, 05:13 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
What?

ONE person admitted that it was "a bit fun"...I hardly think that translates to a "number of people"...
The OP and one other person talked about it being fun to be a secret. One other person is clearly looking for a way that an affair can become legit. That seems like a number of people to me.

Even one person saying that it's fun to lie, cheat and sneak around behind somebody's back seems like a lot to me. To have anybody at all back it up feels like a lot to me.

So it might hardly translate into a "number of people" to you. It does to me.
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  #28  
Old 04-29-2014, 05:33 PM
BDaemon BDaemon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
The OP and one other person talked about it being fun to be a secret. One other person is clearly looking for a way that an affair can become legit. That seems like a number of people to me.
It's funny you should refer to it as that. I've often heard polyamory as a whole be described as just a "legit affair" from mono-oriented people.
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  #29  
Old 04-29-2014, 05:52 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BDaemon View Post
It's funny you should refer to it as that. I've often heard polyamory as a whole be described as just a "legit affair" from mono-oriented people.
There's a world a difference between polyamory (where everyone involved at least knows that people have multiple relationships) and an affair you are hiding from a partner.
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  #30  
Old 04-29-2014, 07:00 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Nope. She is not a metamore. She is just an ex wife and mother of his child. She cannot legally deny him visitation just because he has a girlfriend. She has to abide by what is in their court ordered parenting plan or be in contempt of court.
Thanks. That's what I thought (about the metamour thing), but since someone else used the term in reference to her, I wasn't sure. Like I said, still learning.

She can't deny him visitation, but the way things are now, Guy travels on business 10 months out of the year. He's "home" about once a month for a weekend during those ten months, and then is off the road for two months. During his weekends home and the two non-traveling months, he stays with that ex to co-parent their son, who's on the autism spectrum. (He also stays there because right now he pays for her housing and can't afford to stay anywhere else.) I don't know what their custody agreement says in terms of visitation, but she's told him if he has a girlfriend--any girlfriend, mono or poly--she won't let him stay with her and their son anymore, which would greatly cut down the amount of time he's able to see the boy.
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