Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-30-2014, 03:23 AM
LMiment LMiment is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 3
Unhappy Could I Get Some Help?

I apologize, I'm a bit new to the poly community and I'm really not sure what to do with issues like this. Recently (For about the past year), my husband and I have gotten involved with another couple. And the thing is, I'm not very happy. I enjoy some of the more romantic aspects with them, but when sex comes up, I try to avoid penetration other than with my husband. It's awkward and I've been coming up with bad excuses as to why I don't want to have sex that night and I just let them go at it. It's awkward and I feel uncomfortable and jealous when I shouldn't because I'm saying it's okay to do it. Hell, if this was just a romantic relationship, I would love it, but like this, not so much. I don't mean to offend anyone that is sexually poly, that's totally your thing, I just don't feel comfortable with it for my sex life... anyway.

Thing have just gotten more awkward as of late. These things sound like they're straight out of a soap opera, so I feel bad bringing it up... my husband's girlfriend (M) revealed a few months back that she was pregnant and both my husband and her husband (T) are overjoyed. They don't know who's it is, but their quite happy none the less. I want to be happy for her, but I can't help but be jealous because she gets all of this attention that she rightfully deserves, but I still can't help but feel neglected, which is my own fault for not speaking up anyway. She's nearly five months along now and I just recently learned that I'm pregnant. I've been keeping it to myself because... I don't know, I feel like I'm stealing her 'spotlight', so to speak, if I say anything. And I know my husband's starting to notice because he keeps asking what's wrong and said that I keep closing off and not talking and I feel bad about doing it but I still feel guilty and I can't bring myself to speak up. I feel so small and insignificant, but it still doesn't feel right to bring it up. Does anyone know what I should do?
Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2014, 03:44 AM
ffcep2 ffcep2 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Lake Havasu City
Posts: 11

First off you should tell them. I don't think this will still anything from her, I think all of them will be very happy for you and the situation. As far as the sex: Are you uncomfortable because it's not your husband or is it just sex in general? The one thing about poly is honesty and communication. I have found that to be the key for me and my wife and the partners we have had in the past. You can't fix something if you don't know its broke. What I mean by that is If they don't know your feelings and you feel you have to lie about situations then there is something wrong.

This is my opinion only and what has worked for us. Good luck and keep us posted. Oh and congratulations!!!!!
Male, 43, BI, Married
Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2014, 05:41 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519

You should never feel bad about not wanting sex. It's not as if you're preventing either guy from having sex with other women.

As for being pregnant, ummm, yeah, they kind of have a right to know. Plus they'll be happy for you. Have you been excited and supportive of her? If not, I could see why you're feeling guilty and worried about receiving same treatment from her. If you have been happy for her, there should be no issues Stop worrying and bring them in on this happy news
Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2014, 01:45 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 127

Ah, quads. They are complicated. I have been in two myself.

I am wondering, are you genuinely sexually attracted to your quad boyfriend? If not, that could explain why you don't want sex with him. It's quite possible to have an emotional attraction to someone, even love them, without wanting to sleep with them. And I know that in a quad, it can be tempting to just go along with things in order to not rock the boat and make things more difficult for the other folks.

It is perfectly acceptable to leave the quad and just support your husband in continuing with the other woman. It's also perfectly acceptable to find your own boyfriend, or girlfriend too, your husband does not have to be a part of it. (This may seem like a no-brainer, but some people who are new to this haven't considered all their options.)

You absolutely need to tell at least your husband about your pregnancy and get the prenatal care you need. If it is possible that your boyfriend might be the father of your baby, he needs to be told soon as well. You do not have to continue in a romantic and sexual relationship with him even if he is the father. And please don't worry about taking attention away from the other woman. If she's good people, she will be happy for you.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2014, 02:08 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

Lots of great advice given so far. Just want to add another voice to the chorus that's telling you to be up front and explain everything. It's fine not to want to have sex, as long as you're up front about it. I was married to a woman who wouldnt have sex for years at a time. Without going into all the issues involved, if my expectations had been set correctly...perhaps we could have worked through it. A lot of times people think they're being polite by not expressing themselves, when they're actually doing more harm this way.

You and your pregnancy definitely deserve to be taken care of by all involved. I'm sure that she'll be just as happy and comforting to you as you have been to her.
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2014, 02:27 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,885

If you don't want sex that's fine, Don't do it. There is no reason to lie or be uncomfortable. Just be honest about your reasons. They deserve the truth.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2014, 03:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,329

I'm sorry you struggle.

I mean all this kindly, ok?

Does anyone know what I should do?
Could be more clear. Could dump the word "should" from your vocab and replace it with "could" so you can think to yourself -- "what are the things I could do here?" And learn to take more responsibility over your own life that way. "Here are options I could do -- now here's the one I choose to try. "

I enjoy some of the more romantic aspects with them, but when sex comes up, I try to avoid penetration other than with my husband.
This is your preference. Could state that clearly and up front. You are allowed to have your own preferences.

What is your preference? An emotional (but not sexual) quad? Emotional + some cuddles quad? Or no quad at all? Something else?

Where is your boundary? Are you keeping to it or trespassing it?

It's awkward and I've been coming up with bad excuses as to why I don't want to have sex that night and I just let them go at it.
So how's that worked for you? Sounds like "not great" since you feel yucky.

How about NOT avoiding stating your preferences clearly? NOT making excuses for not having sex? Just stating your preference.
  • If you want to share sex as a group, do. And state your PIV boundary up front.
  • If you do not not want to share sex as a group, don't. And state it up front -- don't want to. Not excuses like your head hurts or whatever. Just plain ol' don't wanna! You are allowed to say that! Your body is yours. You share it or don't share it in sex share how YOU want, when YOU want.

It's awkward and I feel uncomfortable and jealous when I shouldn't because I'm saying it's okay to do it.
You have that backward. Like your feelings are broken. Your feelings work fine -- it is your (saying less than honest words) behavior that is broken.

You feel uncomfortable.
  • So don't have group sex if you don't want to.
  • So don't have sex with the BF person if you don't want to (even singles, not just group)
  • So don't be saying you are ok with them having group sex without you when you actually are NOT ok with it.

When you say to go ahead to avoid having to speak up? You are free to choose, but you are not free from consequences of your choices. You choose to be less than honest? And they move on without you thinking it is ok? Then you then feel "left out jealousy" and upset because none of them is tending to your needs. (And neither are you.)

They cannot be mind readers. You actually have to speak up. You could say your actual preferences/feelings from the start. That might feel awkward/yucky too at first, but at least it is in line with your spirit and not you grinding against your own grain. It is honest.

To me? Your feelings sound like they work just fine. Some are yummy to feel and some are yucky to feel. The yucky ones usually come up when your behavior has been poor. Right now, not being truthful is NOT serving you well. Your feelings verify it.

Hell, if this was just a romantic relationship, I would love it, but like this, not so much. I don't mean to offend anyone that is sexually poly, that's totally your thing, I just don't feel comfortable with it for my sex life... anyway.
Then do not participate in things you really do not want to participate in. It grinds against your own grain and hurts your spirit.

Again, be more clear. Be more true to yourself. You have every right to have YOUR sex life be how YOU like it.

I know my husband's starting to notice because he keeps asking what's wrong and said that I keep closing off and not talking and I feel bad about doing it.
Then speak up and answer the man.
  • If you need space, SAY so. " I need space right now, I'm not up for talking."
  • If you ready to talk now, make an appointment with him to TALK.

Then you don't have to feel bad about closing off.

Take time to organize thoughts if you need to. But I do suggest you talk this out and not avoid it forever. Speak your truth if even at a whisper. Or type it in a letter. Then you can start to heal.

but I still feel guilty and I can't bring myself to speak up.
You can tell them that you are pregnant now, or your changing body will tell for you.

What's the guilt about? That you are also pregnant at the same time she is? That you stole her thunder somehow from her life and her life things by having your OWN life and OWN life things happening in it? You are allowed to live your life. And have life things happening in it.

Could you be willing to clarify what the guilt is from? Are you busy beating yourself up in your head like you are "less than?"

I feel so small and insignificant, but it still doesn't feel right to bring it up.
To me it seems like you are connecting things that don't need to connect and expressing emotions all muddled up.

I would put it as two separate sentences.
  • I feel so small and insignificant.
  • I don't feel comfortable bringing it up.

That's internal conflict.

That smallness? It doesn't sound like you trust yourself to take best care of you.
  • You don't trust yourself to NOT get yourself into things you don't really want to be doing.
  • You don't trust yourself to speak up for you when things bother you from the get go.

And you are right not to trust you if those are the behaviors you currently do. It is not self-respecting behavior to go against your own grain.

I don't think you can stop feeling "small" until you decide to take better care of you and start meeting some of your own needs. It is not "selfish" to meet some of your own needs to that you can function in a healthy way. It is necessary. Just like in a plane you have to put your OWN oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else. It's not selfish to get your own air on first.

That discomfort? I don't think you can stop feeling "uncomfortable" about having hard conversations until you start to DO IT and learn that you CAN indeed handle it. Confidence is grown by doing, not by shrinking away from it. Then you become skilled at it and it isn't hard any more.

I hope you can start to do that more for you -- taking better care of you by choosing to give yourself permission to speak your truth. And in the doing so, grow your confidence in doing it.

Hang in there!

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-30-2014 at 03:44 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2014, 07:41 PM
LMiment LMiment is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 3

Thank you everyone for your advice. I took my husband aside this morning and I told him that I wasn't comfortable with sexual endeavors with M and T, but that I was fine with him continuing it. The issue is that he doesn't seem too comfortable with it. It wasn't that he was afraid of having sex with them without me, as he's done it before, but he said that he felt like he was 'leaving me out', so to speak. I told him that it was perfectly fine and that I didn't mind and I just really wasn't comfortable with doing anything sexual further than kissing and maybe a blowjob or handjob (Even then, that pushes it a bit for me). He seemed okay with it, but I worry that he isn't. On past issues or occasions, he's brought it up with M or T or in more drastic cases, my parents (That's an entirely different story) and he's made it seem like it's more of an issue than it is. I just don't really feel comfortable having sex with someone that isn't my husband. I love that dates and kisses and romantic things we all share. It's nice and it makes me feel sort of safe (Does that make sense?), but he doesn't seem to get that I'm fine continuing this poly relationship, just without sex on my part.

As for the pregnancy, I still don't know what to do... In terms of what I meant by uncomfortable, here is the situation. My husband and I have been together since college and have known M since then too. She married T a little after I got married. From the middle of high school until the end of college, I struggled with an eating disorder and major depressive disorder (I don't mean to turn this into another overdramatic post or the like, I apologize) that led to frequent hospital stays and regular therapy sessions. I reached the weight that I needed to be at two years ago (Still underweight, but in a much healthier range). My husband constantly worried (and sometimes still does) about my weight and fears that I may get worse and stop taking my antidepressants or something of the like. I've assured him that I won't, but people still worry regardless, no matter who they are.

As for the relationship between M and I, we're close friends. We've known each other for nearly as long as I've known my husband. So that's once of the reasons why I feel guilty for being jealous of her pregnancy. She handles it so well and she looks amazing, all of the weight just goes straight to her chest and belly and she had barely any morning sickness, you get the idea - the perfect pregnancy. I've been talking with her and being nice and asking questions about the baby, but I've also been avoiding her like I have the other members of the household and mostly keeping to myself.

When I found out I was pregnant, things just haven't been good. The clinic I went to said that I'm about ten weeks (My period has always been a bit off, so I didn't think about it really until it was two months without it) and the symptoms are getting more severe and they said that I should lessen or stop taking my medication all together. It's been very bad. I force food down and just end up throwing it up later (I make a point to do it outside or when people aren't home). I know I should stop taking my medication, but I worry about what will happen without it. I've always been sensitive about my weight and my mind keeps telling me that I'm going to look disgusting once I finish the first trimester and start putting on baby weight. Plus, with this weird thing my husband and T have started doing with M (Something called belly worship they read about on an online zine, could someone explain?) and of course that just adds to the billions of other things I worry about happening with me if they find out.

I just don't know what to do concerning the pregnancy and making my husband comfortable. Could I ask for more advice? You guys have been so sweet and helpful so far.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2014, 07:59 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,870

Reading your last post, my first piece of advice is that it is IMPERATIVE for you to make sure you have the physical, mental, and emotional support you need for this pregnancy. Both professional support and support from the people in your life.

You say you eat but then throw it up... is this morning sickness or something you're doing intentionally? (And I'm sorry for asking that...)

You know that your body now not only needs to nourish you, but the baby as well. If you aren't able to eat for whatever reason, in my opinion, it's important for you to get medical help to ensure you and the baby are getting sufficient nutrition.

I can't tell whether you're afraid your eating disorder and mental health issues are going to cause problems with your husband if you tell him about the pregnancy, or what impact you feel those may be having on your current situation. I can say, from my own experience, that depression and anxiety can vastly magnify fear and can project those fears onto other people, causing you (e.g. the person with the depression and anxiety, not necessarily *you* personally) to expect the most negative reaction possible. But I've also found through personal experience that once you suck it up and actually speak, the reactions of others are not as bad as you fear.

I have no clue what "belly worship" is, but why would your hubby and the other guy treat you any different from M? You're both pregnant. You're both bringing new life into the world. You are both important and deserve to have your pregnancies celebrated. And you deserve to feel heard and loved, and I'm kinda getting the sense that you aren't feeling that right now.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2014, 08:17 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

If you intend to continue the pregnancy and have a baby, any drugs you take are going to affect the baby. You need to focus on the health of the baby more than how much weight you will gain. The weight you put on is necessary for the baby's development. But your husband should know about it, and just because this other chick is preggers, too, shouldn't be something that keeps you from telling him.

If you do not want to bring the baby to term, an abortion would still be a safe, simple, and low risk procedure at this point (before 12 weeks).

You seem to suffer from low self-esteem. You've gone along with an arrangement you didn't really want, defer to other people whom you place above yourself as more important, and are afraid to speak up for what you want. I think you need to be honest with yourself and your husband, and perhaps look into getting some therapy to learn ways to boost your self-esteem.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote

jealously, low self-esteem, pregnancy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:26 AM.