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  #41  
Old 08-11-2014, 05:03 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I really need to not be the only poly person in my life... I can only talk about so much with my guys, because they don't completely get it.

So I'm home from my visit to Guy, which ended much, much better from how it began. Hubby was thrilled to see me when I got back Friday night, and I'm feeling a lot more positive about our marriage right now because, between being away and talking with Guy, I think I've gained some clarity about who/how Hubby is and what *I* can change that will help the situation. I can't change Hubby, only myself, but some things will benefit both of us.

Meanwhile, Saturday night I went to a meet-and-greet party thrown by the chat group I met Hubby and Guy through. I wasn't originally planning to go to the party, since it was the night after I got home and I figured I would need time to recover from the trip, but when I went to lunch with S2 the week before the trip, he said he was going. He'd tried to go to a meet-and-greet with the same group, but because he hadn't met anyone other than me in person yet, he didn't recognize them and so couldn't find them in the club where that M&G was. So I told him that if he was going to Saturday's M&G, I would go as well so I could introduce him to people.

I showed up at the M&G before S2. I had offered him a ride, because he said something about maybe needing a designated driver, but then he decided to visit family before the party and so was coming from the opposite direction from me. So we were planning to meet there.

I hung out with Best Friend and his girlfriend... I was propositioned for an FMF threesome by a woman who was there as the date of a guy I've been friends with for about seven years (and have hooked up with a couple of times, but I don't think she knew that)... And thank goodness, just when the proposition process was reaching the point where I would have had to answer, S2 showed up.

The party was outside on the bar's deck and lawn; S2 and I went inside so he could buy a drink and buy me a soda. I told him if he wanted me to back off so he could talk with, and maybe hook up with, someone else, all he had to do was say so. His profile states clearly that he's looking for non-monogamy and doesn't want clingy, and so I didn't want to take for granted that he would want to spend the evening with me. I was *hoping*, mind you, just not counting on it.

But that's what ended up happening. We talked with other people, and one woman hit on him quite a bit (ironically, she's the one Guy dated briefly during the month and a half last year when I had to call a halt to things between him and me because we were getting too close). But he was pretty much focused on me. When it started getting dark, we went inside the bar because mosquitos... We played pool, which he won despite the aforementioned woman wandering over and knocking all of my balls into pockets. We kissed. And he asked if I wanted to go to his place.

It was pretty early, just past 9, but the party was fairly dead and other than Best Friend and Star, his girlfriend, everyone else I get along with had already left. So I followed S2 to his apartment.

That's where things got a bit interesting... We were talking about the non-monogamy thing, and he said it was mainly that he didn't want a woman who would be a "wet blanket" and be all needy and clingy. I told him he should probably steer clear of the woman who'd been hitting on him, in that case, because when she and Guy were hooking up she acted like it was an exclusive relationship when Guy had made it very clear to her that it was only FWB.

And then I said, "Yeah, Guy didn't want a relationship at all, but then I came along and that went out the window."

And S2 said, "Yeah, you have that effect on people."

Because I don't overthink things as it is. And I wasn't already developing feelings I "shouldn't" have for him.

The conversation went on to how much we enjoy each other's company. And to how when you click with someone, you click, and that's that. To how compatible we are as far as our sense of humor, and how we can talk for hours without running out of things to say. I pointed out that a lot of people in the chat group now know that he and I are seeing each other, or at least hooked up that night, and he was completely fine with that. In fact, he sounded proud about being with me. In between, we had sex, but we also had a lot of time of just lying on his bed together, holding each other. He caressed my cheek and it felt... I can't explain. Hubby's the only other person who's touched me so gently and I've felt so right about it.

Of course, this isn't "supposed to" happen. Hubby and I have always had the agreement that if we develop feelings stronger than friendship for someone, we're supposed to end all contact. That rule was, obviously, suspended for Guy, but Hubby knew Guy and was friendly with him for months before I admitted those feelings. Hubby and S2 have never met, and it's only been about a month since my first date with S2.

This is getting long. Going to start a second post.
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  #42  
Old 08-11-2014, 05:20 PM
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Before I went to Michigan, I didn't hear from S2 for several days. I have his phone number; I could have texted. But I take things literally. He has that thing on his profile about wanting someone mature enough to handle non-monogamy and not wanting clingy, and I have trouble figuring out that line. I wasn't sure if texting would cross the line.

When I finally heard from him the day before my trip, I was so happy that I realized there was a problem. It wasn't the happiness of "okay, I'm hearing from a friend". It was more than that. That was when I realized I might be developing feelings for him that went deeper than my agreement with Hubby allows.

I talked to Guy about it after I got to Michigan. By the agreements in the triad, I need to keep both Hubby and Guy informed of things, and so I knew eventually I'd have to talk to both of them. Guy is more laid-back and has less to lose, and therefore less reason for jealousy, than Hubby in our relationship, so he was the easier one for me to talk to first. He pointed out that I feel how I feel, but if I responded to my feelings for S2, it could jeopardize my marriage. Hubby might tell me to stop seeing S2, and either I would refuse, which would cause hard feelings and might be a deal-breaker for Hubby, or I would agree, which would cause me to resent Hubby because I'm gaining a lot from my time with S2 and am not ready for that to end.

At that point, I decided to just wait and see what happened, and not say anything to Hubby. If I was the only one with strong feelings, and S2 was just in friendship/sex partner mode, it wouldn't be a problem.

But my conversation with S2 on Saturday night, and lying with him just being there together, hearing him say how comfortable it felt, seeing the contentment on his face... Yeah. I don't think I'm the only one whose feelings have morphed beyond friendship.

I talked to Guy yesterday morning and told him what S2 had said. He was struggling with something to do with his son, so it really wasn't the best time... But he's about the "It is what it is, I want you to be happy", which was pretty much what he said.

By afternoon, I knew I had to say something to Hubby. I can't be dishonest with him; it feels wrong. He and I both went to the office to work, but we were the only ones there, so I was able to talk to him a bit. I told him what S2 said, the "You have that effect on people" in response to me saying Guy didn't want a relationship until I came along.

Hubby said, "Yes, you do have that effect, because you're awesome."

I said, "But feelings. I wanted to keep you informed, because that's our agreement, but it sounds like this is going beyond. I don't want to stop seeing him, but we have an agreement."

And this is why I love Hubby, even when he drives me batnuts... He said, "If I don't have a problem with it with Guy, I can't have a problem with it with S2. Especially because he's more convenient for you to see. You have a lot more love in your heart than I do, and I'm okay with this."

I don't know for sure where things are going with S2. I don't want to push things in any one direction; he likes to see where things go, and with him, that works for me. But with what he said Saturday, I think this is becoming a regular thing with him and me seeing each other, and I think it is beyond friendship. I'm okay with that now that I know Hubby and Guy are.

S2 and I talked about the texting thing; I think he's okay with the idea of us texting each other, and he seemed amused when he realized that we each have the other's number in our contacts but haven't used it yet. But I'm still leery of seeming pushy...

Meanwhile, he said he's going to make sure he has a day off sometime in the next couple of weeks so he can take me out for a beach day, complete with picnic.

This is an unexpected new chapter for me...and I'm a bit worried about time management during the month or so that Guy will be out here, because I want to make time with him *and* with S2, and I need to be home with my kids and not make things too obvious to my 16-year-old, who hasn't been told about the situation with Guy, let alone anything else. I'm not ready for her to know yet.

But things seem to be working out so far, so I believe the time thing will work out as well. At least Guy will be only one town over from S2...
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  #43  
Old 08-14-2014, 01:59 PM
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Hubby's been playing the alpha male card a bit this week. So far he's staying just barely on the side of the line where I'm not entirely annoyed. He's done it before, particularly right after my relationship with Guy took the step from FWB to actual relationship, so it isn't entirely unexpected given the progression of things between S2 and me.

But it bothers me. Basically, Hubby's doing/saying everything he can think of to assert to me that he's the "top dog" in my life. While he does have some priority given that he's the one I live with, who financially supports my kids and me, whom I've been with longest and to whom I'm legally married, I don't like hierarchies. I don't want to say Hubby's #1 in my life, and Guy is #2 and S2 is #3, because that isn't how I FEEL. Each of them is important to me; each of them brings a different benefit to my life.

But when Hubby says things like "This is why I'm your husband and they're just your boyfriends"... I kinda want to either scream or thwap him. Guy and S2 aren't *just* anything... they're separate people, and equally important.

Hubby has also backtracked on his previous statement (from last year) that he's okay with me spending a night with Guy. I asked whether he would ever be okay with me spending a night with S2, and he said no, that even if I feel too tired to drive safely, I still have to come home. When I pointed out that last year when Guy was still here, which was when Guy and I were still FWB, Hubby said it was okay for me to spend the night if I was too tired to drive, Hubby said, "Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. It isn't okay, and it won't be okay."

He said he was only okay with me spending nights with Guy when I've visited him this year because of the distance...and then I reminded him that I haven't actually spent a night *with* Guy because both times I visited, Guy was working overnight shifts and so was gone while I was sleeping. To which Hubby said, "Yeah, there's that too. I've found my boundary. No overnights."

I understand his reasoning. But he doesn't even frigging come home at night lately, or not until 3 or 4 in the morning...so what difference does it make if I'm here or not? I won't go against his request; I respect him and he's given me so much leeway that on the rare occasions when he does put his foot down about something, I'm likely to agree to it. But I'm not particularly pleased, especially about him saying it now *isn't* okay for me to spend a night with Guy when he said it *was* okay previously.
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  #44  
Old 08-15-2014, 02:12 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Talked a bit yesterday with Hubby about the "alpha male" behavior.

His response was, "I know you like to think about and analyze why you do or say things, but I don't. I don't have a reason for acting that way. I guess maybe I needed reassurance or something, but I wasn't really thinking about it."

It's like, dude, I'm not ASKING you to think about or analyze why you're acting that way... I'm just pointing it out as problematic behavior, because I'm not property!

It isn't a competition, and I don't know how to get him to understand that. Each of the three guys brings a specific and different benefit to my life; and hopefully I bring a benefit to theirs. (I'm assuming I do, because otherwise they wouldn't be part of this.) I don't compare them, at least not intentionally. They're different people. They're in my life for different reasons. There's no basis for comparison.

Hubby doesn't seem to get that. I mention that S2's taken a day off from work to take me to the beach in a couple weeks, and Hubby brings up a time he took a day off to spend with me. I mention Guy taking me out to a "dress up" dinner, and Hubby brings up a time he took me out to dinner. I've asked him flat out if he wants me to not talk about Guy or S2, and he says he doesn't mind me talking about them and wants to know what's going on in my other relationships (within reason; there are some things he just doesn't want details about).

I've explained to him that I'm not trying to throw in his face that S2 or Guy is doing something Hubby isn't. Hubby knows about my past. He knows I was brought up believing I was worthless and didn't deserve anything good, and that belief was reinforced by my first husband. He knows--because I've said so--that I feel very special and valued when someone does something nice for me, and I share those things with him because he says he likes to see me happy and to see others treating me well. But when I do share, instead of "Good, glad he's treating you well" or "Glad that makes you feel good," I get "But I did the same thing" or "Well, isn't that nice" (in a sarcastic tone).

Obviously the easiest way to deal with that would be to just not talk to him about Guy or S2, or at least not as much, but when Hubby *says* he wants to know these things but then responds negatively when I tell him, there's a mixed message there that bothers me.

Guy doesn't see this as a competition. He can be alpha if he chooses, but given that he's a supervisor at work, he usually channels his "I'm in charge here" tendencies into that and keeps them out of his personal life. And since he and Hubby are friends, he has no desire to compete with Hubby. I don't talk to S2 about stuff like this, because the relationship is too new and while I'll discuss things with him if certain subjects come up, I'm not seeking to bring up those subjects, if that makes sense. But on the "competition" thing... S2 just doesn't strike me as that kind of guy.

I'm doing everything I know of to keep Hubby comfortable with the situation and to make sure he understands that even when we're having problems, my life is with him, my marriage is with him, and that isn't changing. I just don't know whether it's getting through. But he keeps insisting that he's okay with my relationship with Guy, and now with whatever I have with S2, so I'm going by what he says. If he isn't okay, he needs to say so, because I'm not going to play mindreader.
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  #45  
Old 08-19-2014, 06:08 PM
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Talked with Hubby the other day. He assured me he's completely fine with the situation as it stands. I told him one of my biggest fears is that he's going to tell me he isn't okay with things anymore and wants me to stop seeing Guy and S2...and at this point, I don't think I would be able to do that. Hubby said he wasn't even remotely considering asking such a thing; he knows I'm happy, wants me happy, and doesn't have any issues.

I asked him to stop playing the passive-aggressive alpha male thing. He apologized for acting in a way that caused me to feel upset and scared, and promised to try to back off on the alpha-ness. He also apologized for the mixed messages.

Been a stressful few days. One of my publishers is either going under or close to it, and things have happened that have the future of three of my books (which are under contract, but no work has been done on them) in major doubt. Another publisher has shorted me on the money they owe to me; they're claiming zero sales of a couple of books that I know for a fact sold, because Best Friend bought copies of them. So there was at least one sale of each book...

In addition to that, two of my kids' grandfathers (their dad's dad, and their stepmother's stepdad) have been very ill. Younger kid has been with her dad for the past month, but older one hasn't been able to go up due to school. Until yesterday, when we got a call that stepmom's stepdad had taken a final turn, and older kid needed to get up there IMMEDIATELY. I dropped everything to drive her the 4.5- hour round trip to Maine, and thank goodness I did... They lost their grandfather just before 11 last night

I feel awful for my kids, and even for my ex and his wife. I never met the grandfather, so it's hard for me to have direct emotional reaction, but I do feel for the family.

Poor Guy was on the phone with me yesterday morning for two hours... He called because he was having problems with a work situation, and I tried to be supportive. But knowing he was hurting and not being able to do anything about it, I just plain burst into tears. He told me to talk about what was going on with me, because hearing me vent would take his mind off his problems...and everything just poured out. And that was *before* I got the call from my ex that my older kiddo had to go to Maine.

By the time I was on the way home, I was so stressed that I knew coming home and spending the evening being ignored by Hubby (who had the day off; when he has a day off, he doesn't want to deal with anyone or anything usually) would not work. And I knew seeing S2 would help, because around him, stress kind of scurries into its cave and leaves me alone for a while.

Problem was, S2 and I have only been communicating via AFF email. We've had each other's phone numbers since our first date, but had never used them. Emailing him wouldn't have worked last night, because there was no telling whether or when he would have seen it, but I was afraid to text him...because that's me. We hadn't texted before, and I didn't want to "bug" him. I called Hubby to let him know I was thinking about contacting S2 and found out that although it was nearly 6 pm, Hubby hadn't gotten out of bed yet; that irked me enough to push me past the fear and send the text. (I know that sounds like I texted S2 to pay Hubby back, and that isn't it at all; for me, anger and fear can't coexist, so if I'm afraid of something but get angry, I can get past the fear.)

So I texted and said I was feeling spontaneous and wondered whether he was free. And he told me to come over around 8.

Ever since S2's "you have that effect on people" comment the last time we were alone together, I'd been wondering where we were with each other. As Best Friend pointed out (about a dozen times in one conversation), the best way to find out was to talk to S2, but I didn't want to be pushy or clingy or "wet blankety" or whatever. And I overthink things.

After last night, I'm feeling a lot more confident, though. He was completely cool--and even happy--that I'd texted. I wasn't really planning to talk to him about my stress, but it came out, and he was very supportive. He teased me about seeing him for "stress relief," but he understood that wasn't the only reason I wanted to see him.

I told him things about myself that I hadn't been sure I would tell him. He told me things about himself that let me further into his life. I said I was glad he'd answered my text because I'd been trying to figure out how we would get to see each other before our beach day (which isn't until the 29th), and he said he'd been trying to figure out the same thing, and had been calculating how much free time he had so he could find out whether I could get together. That surprised me, and made me feel really special, that he'd been thinking so much about seeing me.

At one point I was teasing him about other women from our chat group "getting their claws into him", and he made a meowing noise. My screen name on that site includes "Kitty", so I said, "No, meowing is me," and he said, "Yeah." I said, "Wait...does that mean I've gotten my claws into you?"

He said, "Yep. And that isn't a bad thing at all."

We were talking about birthdays; his is about 3 months before mine. I said Hubby and Guy are both younger than me, and he said, "Wow, that means I'm the oldest in this group." Which... it's hard to explain, but the way he said it implied he considers himself part of the equation relationship-wise. Which he is, in my perception, but I'd been overthinking whether he was feeling the same.

To be continued... too long a post.
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  #46  
Old 08-19-2014, 06:23 PM
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Because S2's profile on the dating site says something about wanting someone who's "mature enough to handle non-monogamy", and a few other things about not wanting someone clingy or smothery, I've been holding back. And I've been saying things to him to make it clear that I'm cool with him seeing other people, including telling him last night not to let me "monopolize" him at a party we're thinking about going to this weekend. We would be going separately...we'll probably end up together like we did last time, but I don't want him to feel like he *has* to be with me.

But he seems to *want* to be with me. At the last party, as I said a few posts ago, he was pretty much focused on me despite at least one other woman hitting on him. At that party, I specifically told him to let me know if he wanted me to back off so he could talk to other people, but he stuck with me all night. The party was outside on the bar's deck; once it started getting dark and the mosquitos came out, S2 asked if I wanted to go inside. And while a few people from our group wandered in and out and interacted with us, for the most part, it was just him and me.

S2 was talking about taking a day off to spend with me back before I went to Michigan to see Guy. Even though I'd told S2 when I would be gone, he got the dates mixed up and ended up taking a day off during the week I was gone. When I told him that, he said it was no problem; he would use that day for one-on-one time with his older son (his kids are 8 and 5, I think? And the younger one is severely autistic, so the older one sometimes doesn't get a lot of attention because of the younger's needs) and would take another day off for me.

Last week, he messaged to let me know he'd taken the 25th off... Because I seriously need to buy him a calendar. LOL. We'd talked about my schedule, and I had told him my 16-year-old would be coming home for the school year on the 24th and I would mostly not be available that week. When he said he had the 25th off, I said I wasn't sure that would work, that my daughter had a school club meeting that day (school doesn't start until Sept. 2, but the club has been meeting off and on all summer to plan things for the year) and maybe Hubby could take care of transporting her since he has Mondays off.

S2 said he could change the day. And when I said maybe the 29th would work, because by then the 16-year-old would probably be tired of me and be happy to have a day to herself... he didn't answer for a little while, then messaged to let me know he'd changed his day off to the 29th.

He took a day just for me... and then changed it, meaning jumping through a few hoops with his boss, when he realized he'd messed up the dates again.

Our relationship is still new; our first date was just on July 12, after a few weeks of emailing back and forth. But based on all of this, and on our conversations last night--and the way he held me, and rubbed my back, and stroked my hair--I'm pretty sure it's a *relationship*. And that is definitely not a bad thing.

I'm writing all this out because it's really mind-boggling to me. I was brought up to believe I didn't deserve good things. Didn't deserve considerations. Didn't deserve to feel special, because I was worthless.

And the good things just keep coming... These three men, along with Best Friend, make me feel so valued and so worth it. And all I can do is enjoy it and hope to hell I make them feel the same way.

F***... now I'm crying again. LOL
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Old 08-21-2014, 11:40 PM
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So reading the second-to-last paragraph in my last post, I have to wonder if I jinxed myself...

S2 told me at one point (think it was on our first date) that he thinks he might be polyamorous as well. That's fine; obviously I'm not in any position to tell anyone they can't be with other people, nor would I want to.

But now...

When I saw him Monday, we talked about a party some folks from the chat group are having Saturday night. He'd heard about it before I did, but didn't know the date; I'd just found out the date so brought it up. It sounded like he was planning to go. I told him I was also planning to go, and he shouldn't let me "monopolize" him but I was looking forward to seeing him.

Today I went into the city and ran into him on his lunch break. I intended to run into him... but that didn't mean it would necessarily happen. I don't know what time his break actually is, and he wanders all over downtown Boston during that time, so even though I was there, I wasn't expecting to necessarily see him. Just hoping.

I should be happy. He could have just said hi to me and said he was on his lunch break, and moved along. Instead, he asked if I wanted to walk with him, bought me a soda, and hung out in the Common with me long enough that he was about half an hour late going back to work. And I *am* happy about that...

But depression is a dick. I emailed him on the website Tuesday morning, and he never answered. I texted him just to say hi last night, and he never answered. I told him flat out today that I was concerned that I shouldn't have texted him, since he didn't answer, and he said he was just busy.

But he's been emailing back and forth with another woman from the chat site. One who doesn't like me, and who has a reputation for breaking up people who are dating, whether it's a committed relationship, or exclusive, or just FWB, or whatever. She's been known to tell men to stop seeing certain women if they (the men) want to be with her or be accepted by her and her group of friends.

That's the group that never finished high school emotionally; I've seen some of the things they say about me and others. They're the "mean kids" who won't let people sit at their table.

And she asked S2 to go camping with her and some of that group this weekend. Saturday night. The night he said he would probably go to the party to see me. And he told me he's probably going to go but hadn't completely decided yet.

I KNOW I'm being unreasonable. Just because she invited him camping doesn't mean she personally has her sights on him... though she's been emailing him since the last party, the one he spent with me. She, along with everyone else there, knows he was with me at that one. Which doesn't mean he isn't fair game or that he and I are "together", so she doesn't have any reason not to email him. And he and I haven't made any agreements or commitments to each other beyond "I want to keep seeing you" "Yep, so do I."

But I've had run-ins with her and her friends before. I know what they say about me. I know what she's like; I've known her since I joined that site seven and a half years ago. And I know she wouldn't hesitate, if she decided she was interested enough in him, to try to get him to stop seeing me.

Plus I'm hurt that he would decide to go camping instead of to the party, especially when he told me Monday that he'd been calculating the times we would be able to see each other.

I feel how I feel, and right now I feel hurt, upset, and afraid. I'm afraid she will tell him to stop seeing me and he'll listen, because she's tiny and has big boobs and big confidence and apparently bangs like a machine, according to a guy I know who dated her. I'm afraid even if she doesn't interfere, he'll decide he likes her better than me. That if he becomes part of the "cool kids crowd" he won't want to be around me anymore.

Breaking into a second post; too long.

Last edited by KC43; 08-21-2014 at 11:42 PM.
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Old 08-21-2014, 11:42 PM
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I keep trying to make myself see all the things that mean that WON'T happen. He told me I have the effect of making people want to be in a relationship, which he wouldn't have said if he didn't have personal knowledge given that I'd only mentioned one "people." He told me I've "gotten my claws into him" and "that isn't a bad thing at all", and when I teased him about that today he smiled and said, "Yep."

He holds me like he cares about me, and makes me feel so special and safe... Hubby's the only other one who has ever made me feel that way just lying quietly together. I don't even feel it with Guy.

He didn't *have* to spend his lunch break with me today. He chose to. He didn't *have* to let me come over when I texted him Monday. He chose to. He didn't have to take a day off to spend at the beach with me and rearrange the day when he realized he'd messed up, and he brought that up today and told me again how much he's looking forward to it.

He didn't have to tell me that this woman's been messaging him, or that she'd invited him on the camping trip. He didn't have to agree when I asked him if he would please let me know when he knows for sure whether he's going camping or not, and I made it clear to him that he didn't owe me that but I would appreciate it.

And he said he hadn't decided yet, was waiting for more info from her about camping and might not even go, especially since it's Saturday night and he has to help his ex and her girlfriend move on Sunday.

He's told me that he's seen a lot of what goes on in the chat room at night--which is when this woman chats there--and isn't impressed. He doesn't like drama. He doesn't like clingy. He doesn't like hearing people put other people down. And he said the way most of them talk, he wouldn't click with them.

He told me this woman--and others--are impressed that he holds an intelligent conversation in chat and that he isn't only there after sex like some guys. He is new in chat; he didn't start going into the chat room until after our first date, maybe not until after the second. So he's kind of an unknown, intriguing quantity, and I'm sure that's one of the reasons this woman's interested in him. (She's in chat right now and just announced to the room at large that she "needs a good hard bangin.")

After Monday night, I was so happy and so confident that I knew where I stood with him. But his not answering my email or text, and now knowing he *has* been answering this other woman's messages and is expecting her to CALL him tonight (*I* haven't even called him)...and getting the perception that he would rather go camping than see me Saturday night...

But he's said he likes me. That we click. That I make him happy. That he's "part of this thing" or whatever the exact word was that he used Monday meaning the group of me, him, Hubby, and Guy. He told me he doesn't mind me talking about him to others. That he doesn't mind if others know he's seeing me.

And the way he holds me...the way he smiles at me, looks at me...That has to mean something, right? It has to mean that he won't decide she's better than me, or won't ditch me for her, doesn't it?

I don't know if I would be struggling so much if it weren't THIS woman. Or if he hadn't made it seem like he was going to go to the party Saturday. Or if he'd answered my email and/or text. Or if I hadn't opened up to him so much on Monday and been worried ever since that it was too much.

But then I worry... if I hadn't "coincidentally" run into him today, would he have even told me about the camping invite? Or would I have just shown up at the party Saturday night and not seen him and not known what was going on? He doesn't owe me anything, and I've not only made it clear to him that I don't mind if he sees other people, I've actually encouraged him to. But it's this particular woman... Honestly, I would rather have S2 get involved with my former friend Betty than with this particular woman. But I don't have the right to even tell him I'm worried about him seeing her.

I'm thinking too much... and I'm feeling like this is all my fault, like I was right to be afraid I didn't deserve so much good in my life.

Last edited by KC43; 08-21-2014 at 11:47 PM.
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  #49  
Old 08-22-2014, 05:09 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I'm feeling very shut down today. Turtle shell for my own protection.

Haven't heard from S2 since yesterday, despite his statement that he would know by last night whether he was going on the camping trip and would let me know. He has my phone number and is also able to email me on the website. He has apparently chosen not to.

I do realize the day isn't over yet. But the camping trip starts this afternoon, and he said he would be making his decision last night. I want to try not to make assumptions, but I am assuming that he has decided not to inform me of his plans. Which makes me feel crappy, but I don't know what else to think. I refuse to contact him, because our connection has become very one-sided lately and that isn't okay with me. If he isn't willing to contact me, I need to not contact him either.

Hubby tried to be helpful and reassuring last night. He said it feels weird to give me advice or support about my other partners, and I acknowledged that I understood why it was odd for him. I told him I wasn't so much looking for advice as looking for him to listen to my perceptions and tell me whether he believed they were accurate or not, which he did until he'd had enough conversation and asked to stop.

But Hubby has hurt me many times in our relationship, and even when he isn't doing anything overtly hurtful, there is a constant undertone of "why doesn't she ever leave me alone, why can't I have silence, why does she have to talk about things, why do I have to comfort her." He *says* he doesn't mind doing these things, but he *acts* differently.

Guy... the only hurt I can think of that Guy has caused me is when he didn't tell me about spending four days with another woman, but that was because he and I had no agreement about telling each other about other partners, so I can and did get past that. Since we agreed to full disclosure, he has stuck to his side of the bargain. He's usually my emotional support, and I might be able to get past some of this if I could talk to him, but he's on "down time" from work which means he's spending the next several days with his son and ex-wife. Which means I can't contact him. And that does hurt; I'm his dirty little secret from someone he allegedly isn't even married to and has no relationship with other than coparenting.

Likewise, Best Friend hasn't hurt me.

But now I expect them to. I feel like I was a complete idiot to let S2 in as much as I did, because this is the result. I've been crying for two days solid. I'm hurting. I'm scaring my 19-year-old; she has her own demons, and doesn't need to see me fighting mine.

I feel like the safest thing for me to do right now is forget S2 exists, which will be easy given that I doubt I'll hear from him again; to inform Hubby that I'm calling in his promise to give me and my kids a place to live until 16-year-old finishes high school but that our marriage is over and I will be leaving when she does; and to break things off with Guy and minimize contact with Best Friend to take away any opportunity of them hurting me.

I know that's a whole lot of overreaction. I know I got way too far into things with S2 and made some assumptions and perceptions that weren't accurate, and I regret that but can't take it back. Maybe in a few weeks, I'll be able to look back and be thankful for what he did give me, because he unquestionably gave me things I needed.

But I feel like when I trust someone and let them in, they build me up initially but then rip it all away and leave me worse than when they found me, and I can't let that happen anymore. If the only way to protect myself is to stop loving and stop letting anyone in, so be it. I've done it before.

Don't know how much of this is serious and how much is just venting and spewing out some of the poison building up in my brain. Will keep this blog updated. For the moment, leaving sig intact, but I suspect I'll be removing all names from it shortly. Definitely S2's.
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Old 08-22-2014, 08:55 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Tried talking to my friend Cat about this. (Not her real name.) She doesn't get it. "Oh, so you're jealous of the other woman." No, I'm not. "Oh, so you don't think he has the right to see other people." No, I know damn well he has that right, and I've encouraged him to do so. "Oh, so you WANT to be able to tell him he can't see other people." No, because I'd be one hell of a hypocrite given that I'm married and have a boyfriend. "Then I don't get it."

Part of the problem is the *specific* woman involved. It isn't jealousy so much; I have history with her and am aware of things she has said about me. Plus she uses drugs and doesn't practice safe sex because she doesn't like condoms, but has sex with a lot of different men. (These are things I've heard from her herself.) Which I couldn't really tell Cat, because Cat is also friends with the other woman.

Part of the problem is that S2 told me certain things, which I've already detailed in this blog, that led me to believe we were at the very least VERY close friends and that he cared about me, but then stopped contacting me or replying to my attempts to contact him.

Part of the problem is that despite telling me (and I did NOT misinterpret this, these were his words) that he felt like he couldn't get enough time with me and was trying to figure out all the times he could see me, he chose to make plans with the other woman ON A NIGHT HE AND I HAD PLANS.

Part of the problem is that he gave me his word he would let me know for sure whether or not he was going camping, and told me he would be making the decision last night. It's now 4:30 p.m. The camping trip begins at 6. I have not heard from him at all today. I don't accept people breaking their word unless there are extenuating circumstances, but he appears to have done so.

And the final part of the problem, which I completely own, is that I have trust issues. My trust is hard-won and easily lost. He earned it and now I feel like he's shit all over it, and like I was a total idiot for giving it to him in the first place.

I've been putting ALL the blame for this on myself... I shouldn't have trusted. Shouldn't have opened up to him. Should have tried harder to keep emotions out of it. Should be a better person so people don't lie to me and break their promises. Should try harder to deserve to be treated well, because obviously no matter what I do, I'm not doing enough.

But it isn't all on me, and "should" doesn't help. Can't change what has been or what is. Only how I respond and what I do going forward.

And I DO deserve to be treated well, and if people choose not to, that is a flaw in THEM, not me.

I caved when Hubby woke up and asked me to snuggle. Cried in his arms. He told me he's my safe place, and I said right now, I don't have a safe place. I told him I feel like he doesn't want me, that I make his life worse in part because I get upset so easily. Told him my 19-year-old is afraid we're getting divorced, and the 16-year-old has told me she doesn't care if we get divorced as long as it doesn't happen until she's in college. Told him right now, I feel like just shutting everyone out and severing all the ties I can so I don't get hurt again.

He simply held me. Told me even though I don't make his life any easier, I make it better. Said he's sorry that sometimes he acts like I'm bothering him. He's apologized for that before, though, but he keeps doing it, so the apology really doesn't mean much. Told me he knows too many people who either are getting divorced or want to but won't for one reason or another, and he doesn't want to be one of those people.

I got some good news from one of my publishers; she's giving me back rights on five books that haven't been selling in large part because the company hasn't been marketing them. I'll be able to revamp them a bit, and I already have other publishers willing to take, or at least look at, four of the five. Even with all this poison in my brain today, I contacted her and two other publishers I'm asking to return books to me, got all my housework done, did some other writing-related work...I've accomplished things. Because compartmentalizing FTW...
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