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  #31  
Old 07-28-2014, 06:40 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Yep. Anxiety and depression are dicks.

I FINALLY heard from Guy later on the day I made my last post. He reassured me that he was at home, so hadn't been able to contact me. Fine. But when I mentioned the anxiety issue and that his not contacting me had me worried that I'd said something wrong in our previous conversation, he made some comment about how he "always attracts women like that."

Excuse me? Like what?? Both of his ex-wives, and our former friend Betty whom he had a thing for for a while, have bipolar disorder. With all three of them, he's dealt with rants, accusations, screaming matches, and physical attacks from his second ex. And when he made that comment to me, I felt like he was lumping me in with them. Yes, I have anxiety, but when I'm having issues, I say I'm having anxiety issues and need reassurance. I don't lash out at the person I'm having an issue with.

That kind of stewed in me for a few days.

But he called yesterday on his way to his next work location, and we were able to sort things out. He apologized for that comment and said he was trying to be funny, but that he'd been dealing with issues with both exes and so when he made the comment, it came out more harshly than he'd intended. He reassured me that we're fine, our relationship is fine, and he can't wait to see me when I fly out there next week. So I'm feeling a lot calmer.

Got upset again this morning, though for a different reason... Yesterday was my younger daughter's 16th birthday. She had her party with us and her friends around here last Thursday; yesterday was her party at her dad's house with his family. I posted a birthday message to her on Facebook, but didn't call her because I didn't want to interrupt their festivities.

She messaged me on Facebook last night after I went to bed. All she said was that I'd gotten her birth time wrong, and "thanks for calling me on my birthday." (Obviously intended as sarcasm.)

She and I haven't been getting along well for a while, and she's flat out said she doesn't like Hubby. She's a daddy's girl, and her father encourages that while pretending to back Hubby and me.

This morning, she, her father, and stepmother came down because they had to bring the older one home; older was up at their place for the birthday party, but had classes this morning. And now that younger one's 16, she could get her learner's permit, so her dad decided it would be good to bring her down and take care of that.

I sat down with her and the other three parental figures, and told her that it hurts when I feel like I'm trying to do something nice, or to make things better between her and me, and she responds with snark and sarcasm, and then I feel like she doesn't *want* things to be better. I acknowledged that she had a reason to be mad about me not calling her yesterday, and I apologized for that and explained that it was only because I didn't want to interrupt the party. She seemed to accept that, and to accept when I said that I was bringing it up because I want things to be better, and I want her to feel like she can talk to me if I'm doing or saying something that's causing problems.

Emotionally, it's been a really wonky week for me. It's partly anxiety about the impending trip to visit Guy, but it's other stuff too, and I'm not entirely sure what the other stuff is. Working with my counselor and other coping tools to try to get on a better track.
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  #32  
Old 07-29-2014, 09:19 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Feeling better than yesterday. I know that part of the depression yesterday was from being around my ex; aside from all the shit he did to me when we were married, that I have a hard time letting go of because PTSD, he's pretty much an energy vampire. Even after five minutes of conversation when I drop off my daughter for visits with him, I feel emotionally and often even physically drained.

S2 followed through with his idea about taking a day off from work so he and I could spend the entire day together.

Unfortunately, he got dates mixed up... and the day he has off is next week. The week I'm in Michigan visiting Guy. (Though to be perfectly honest, I still haven't decided whether I'm actually going. Since the whole thing last week, I'm feeling very disconnected from Guy, even after our conversation on Sunday, and part of me is feeling like visiting him would just plain be a bad idea. Hubby says I should go, but when I ask him whether he thinks I should go to Michigan for *myself* or because Guy would be hurt if I didn't, he doesn't have an answer...)

But S2 is taking me to lunch tomorrow to celebrate the release of my 75th published work, so at least I'll get some time with him. I'm a bit sad that it has to be G-rated time, though. One of the things I'm enjoying about the friendship with S2 is that we laugh during sex. It's fun as hell. Awkward positions, weird noises, leg falling asleep, whatever. We just plain have fun together. We have fun out of bed too, but after my meltdown last month, someone with whom sex is a hundred percent no-pressure enjoyment is exactly what I needed.
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  #33  
Old 08-02-2014, 09:32 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Had a great lunch with S2. He told me that since he took a day off during the "wrong" week, he's going to see if he can take another the following week so we can still have a day together.

I haven't heard from him since that lunch, though... But we've been communicating solely on AFF, and according to his profile he hasn't logged in on there since Tuesday. I know he had stuff going on with family the past few days, and he has his sons this weekend, so I'm assuming that's what's going on. I could text him, since we exchanged phone numbers before our first date, but neither of us has ever actually texted the other, and I don't know whether I'd be pushing a line if I did. So I wait... If I haven't heard from him by the time I get home from visiting Guy, I probably will send a text. We're supposed to go to a "meet and greet" next Saturday, not *together* per se, but he was planning to go and I said I would go too so I could introduce him to people. He tried going to one of our group's M&Gs last Saturday and couldn't find them because he didn't know what any of them looked like...

Had to have a long talk with Hubby on Thursday. Wednesday, after lunch with S2, I went to see Best Friend. He and S2 work in the same area, and I had some time to kill, so I texted Best Friend and asked whether he was taking his break. He'd already had his lunch, but invited me to go to his office.

Between S2 buying me lunch--and going back to work late because he didn't want to stop talking to me--and saying he would try to take another day off so we can spend it together, and Best Friend taking time out from his work day to see me, I felt really happy and valued. But then I went to the workplace, both to do some paperwork and to see Hubby--and Hubby acted like I was a nuisance and flat out said, "Okay, I've seen you, now go home."

I decided I wasn't going to let him bring me down. I've always accepted being treated that way because I was brought up to believe I deserved it, but now I have Guy, S2, and Best Friend all showing me otherwise. And Hubby, who in my opinion SHOULD be showing me otherwise since he keeps saying he loves me and wants me to be happy, has been acting like a jackass. I stayed at work and did the paperwork I'd gone to do, and didn't speak to Hubby again that night.

But by Thursday, I was fuming. Between that and feeling anxious about my trip, I broke down on the phone with Guy... I hate doing that, but he called at just the wrong time. After I got off the phone, I confronted Hubby with how his behavior was affecting me.

He promised to try to make "grand gestures" to show me how special I am to him, and I told him that isn't what I need. I don't need him to go out of his way; I just need him to act like he values me and wants me around instead of brushing me off and acting like I'm an annoyance. I told him it isn't right that a man who is just getting to know me and a man who only considers me a friend (albeit his best friend) treat me better and make me feel more valued and special than my own husband.

Hubby had said something a while ago when we were arguing about how the "new shiny" has worn off our marriage. While I don't dispute that, and I know it's normal for spouses to kind of settle in after a while, I told him on Thursday that when that happens, you don't just say "Okay, the shiny's worn off, now we'll just tolerate each other." You keep WORKING to make things good and to show that you're still important to each other. And that doesn't take any huge effort or "grand gestures." It just takes making time to cuddle and talk and act like each other matters.

No clue whether that got through. He was really affectionate yesterday, and he took me for a boat ride because I said I wanted some couple time with him before I go to visit Guy, so that's a positive. But we've been here before; he'll make a change for a week or two but then goes right back to the way things were.

I've changed a lot lately, though. For a while now, I've stayed with Hubby primarily because I'm disabled and can't work enough to support myself and my kids. If Hubby and I split up, my kids could live with their father, but then my 16-year-old would have to leave her high school, since their dad lives in another state. And I don't know where I would go; my only family is my parents, and given that they refused to take me in when I left my first, abusive marriage, I doubt they would be any more helpful now. Despite the not having anywhere to go, though, if my 16-year-old was out of school or if her dad lived in our state, I would probably already be gone. (Hubby is aware that I feel this way. I've told him that I love him, but that our marriage has some serious dings and dents, and that there are times when the only reason I don't walk out the door is because of my daughter.)

I really hope this time, Hubby's promises and changes stick, because I'm no longer willing to accept feeling like a nuisance or an obligation. I deserve better. It sucks that I'm happy when I'm with S2 or Best Friend, but I dread Hubby coming home because I know he's going to get irritated with me or ignore me. And actually, he's barely even *been* coming home for the past month or more; his computer isn't working properly, so he's been staying at work until 4 or 5 in the morning to play games online, and then coming home and going to bed after I get up.

Things really do need to improve around here, because I'm rapidly running out of bleeps to give about whether my kids could handle living with their dad or whether I would have a home if I left Hubby. I'm not happy in this marriage, and I don't know if he is or not, but I know we both deserve to be. If we can't be happy with each other, then we shouldn't be together.

Last edited by KC43; 08-02-2014 at 09:38 PM.
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  #34  
Old 08-05-2014, 07:37 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I'm with Guy right now. Got out here yesterday afternoon; he picked me up at the airport and brought me back to the hotel his job has put him up at. We spent some time together, went out to dinner, and then he had to go to work. I spent some time alone, then went to bed.

He got back from work about 8:30 this morning and pretty much immediately went to bed, because he hadn't had much sleep yesterday because of having to pick me up at the airport.

I don't want to be here.

Something is broken. It isn't working, and I feel just plain WRONG about being here. I felt it even before I made the trip, but instead of listening to my own instincts and skipping the trip despite having non-refundable plane tickets, I listened to Hubby, Guy, and Best Friend when they all tried to convince me it was only anxiety and I would be fine once I got here.

I'm not fine. I don't want to be here. I went out wandering the area for a while, and then ran out of places to go. Realizing I had to come back to this hotel room, where eventually Guy's going to wake up and supposedly make me dinner before he goes to work (it's a suite hotel, so there's a functioning kitchen in the room), I almost burst into tears. I don't want to have to interact with Guy.

I don't know what the hell is wrong. I just know I want to go home, and I can't because I bought a round trip plane ticket and my return flight isn't until Friday. I have 3 more days out here, and all I want to do is go home.

Guy and I fluid bonded last night. That was partly Hubby's idea; he said he wanted Guy to have that experience with me because "condoms suck." It was my choice, and I went into it feeling okay about it, but now I wish we hadn't. I don't feel right about it. Or about even kissing Guy, let alone sleeping with him or anything else.

Something's broken, and I don't know what to do about it. I can't tell Guy; we're stuck with each other until Friday, and that's going to be even more difficult if he knows I'm feeling this way. He woke up when I got back to the room this afternoon and asked me what was wrong, and I said I didn't want to talk about it, but he's in tune with me enough that he's going to know there's a problem. I don't know if I want to end things with him or not; I just know that coming out here to see him was a mistake.

I just want to go home.
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  #35  
Old 08-05-2014, 09:13 PM
Octopus Octopus is offline
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Oh no hope things will get better before Friday. Can you make Guy stay somewhere else but the hotel room?
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  #36  
Old 08-05-2014, 09:17 PM
Marinad31 Marinad31 is offline
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A major cable network is looking for couples who have kept their love a secret for a once in a lifetime opportunity to show the world that love will prevail! This is an intimate portrayal of overcoming prejudice and circumstance to follow the passions of the heart.

If this sounds like you or someone you know, please contact secretlovecasting@gmail.com immediately. Tell us a bit about your relationship and why you’ve had to keep it a secret for so long.
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  #37  
Old 08-05-2014, 11:45 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Octopus, it's *his* hotel room; his job is paying for it during the duration of the project he's currently working on. And I can't afford to get a room elsewhere. Things aren't bad between him and me; I'm just not *feeling* right.
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  #38  
Old 08-05-2014, 11:46 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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And Marinad, whoever you are, please don't spam MY BLOG with your junk. Thanks.
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  #39  
Old 08-07-2014, 12:06 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I talked to Hubby the other night about the struggle with being here. He was sort of supportive, but really all he said was, "That sucks, I hope you feel better tomorrow." Which is pretty typical for him.

Yesterday I talked to Guy about some of it. He's way too in tune with me; no matter what I did, he would have picked up that something was wrong (and had already asked me several times if I was okay), and I hate lying.

I told him that I feel "off" about being here, and that I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of it is that I haven't gotten past the disconnect with him during the week I couldn't get hold of him. For a couple of reasons I won't get into, it's very difficult for me to form and maintain attachments to others, and it's very easy for those attachments to break. Even with Hubby, I've had times when I felt disconnected because his work schedule kept us from interacting for a day or two.

Guy asked flat out if any feelings I have for S2 might be a contributing factor, and I said no. Which is the truth. I think I may be developing feelings for S2, but that doesn't shut down my feelings for Guy or Hubby. Guy said something about S2 giving me everything I need because he lives near me, whereas Guy is 900 miles away, but that isn't the case. S2 gives me a lot, but he doesn't know the *whole* me. He sees the strong, confident, unashamed me. The neurotic, screwed-up, "everything I do is wrong" part, for whatever reason, doesn't come out when I'm with S2, which is one of the biggest benefits I've gotten from him.

But that means S2 isn't someone I can talk to when I'm struggling. And Hubby isn't really either; when I'm dealing with anxiety or a depressive episode, or something just plain has me stressed out, Hubby tries to listen and comfort, but after a short time he gets tired of listening, and he doesn't really comprehend how I'm feeling or what I need from him (even when I tell him what I need). Guy is the one who gives me that *emotional* support and comfort, even if he can't hold me when I'm upset.

I admitted to Guy that I'm in the process of re-evaluating a lot of things in my life, and my relationship with him is one of those things. He told me to do whatever is best for me, whether that's continuing with our relationship as is, or ending it, or whatever. He also said that since we don't see each other most of the time, if I choose to end the "relationship," not much will actually change, unless I also choose to cut him out of my life entirely. From his perspective, it doesn't matter if we're partners or friends, because the interactions will remain essentially the same, and his feelings for me won't change.

I've decided not to make any decisions about that for the time being. But having Guy say that took a lot of pressure off me.

And meanwhile, Guy found out last night that when he's finished his current work project, they're sending him back out to New England for a month or two. Meaning he'll be within driving distance of me.
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  #40  
Old 08-08-2014, 02:19 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Follow-up to Guy's next work assignment: Not only will he be in the same general geographic part of the US as me. He'll be in a town that's only half an hour away. He's only slated to be there for a month, but during that month we'll be able to see each other regularly, and Hubby says he wants to make sure Guy is able to socialize with the two of us at least once or twice.

Reading some of the threads and blogs on here, I realize how lucky I am that Hubby and Guy are good friends and actually like talking with each other separate from me. And bonus points for S2 as well; he hasn't minded me talking about Hubby and Guy, and is completely cool with the entire situation.

I go home tonight after being with Guy all week. I'm glad he and I sorted things out from the other day, but I'm looking forward to getting home.
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