Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 06-26-2014, 07:31 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

I met with my counselor this morning. It didn't really help. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I should just be celibate for the rest of my life. If you don't have sex, no one can use it against you, no one can judge or humiliate you, and you aren't vulnerable to anyone.

Sounds good to me.

I told Guy that this morning when he called (which was before I met with my counselor). He said he wishes I wasn't thinking that way. I said, "Why? It isn't like you and I have sex anyway, since we don't get to see each other."

I haven't broken the news to Hubby yet because his work schedule barely allows me to wave at him as he breezes through the house from the bedroom out the door to work. I told him I needed to talk to him about sex, that it's an important discussion, and that it needs to happen ASAP so it doesn't fester and get worse in my brain. He promised to make time to talk to me tomorrow before work. He often makes promises like that and doesn't keep them, so I'm not holding out much hope.

On the other hand, since I barely see him in the summer, my decision to stop having sex isn't going to impact him much more than it will Guy.

Don't know if this is a permanent mindset or if I'll get out of it eventually, and right now I don't care. I'm hurt and angry and don't EVER want to let anyone make me feel that way again.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 06-27-2014, 02:21 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

Some of the anger has dissipated. Which is good. I don't like feeling angry, especially when it's due to triggers, because the triggers and their sources fuel the anger to a pretty scary point. I've never hurt anyone else when I've reached that point, but I'm always afraid I will, so I try to avoid getting there.

Hubby actually did follow through on his promise to talk with me. He's been staying very late at work (like, his shift ends at 9 or 10 p.m. and sometimes he's stayed there until 5 a.m.), because he's a gamer and his home computer is no longer supporting the games; it keeps crashing. So he's been staying at work to use one of the computers there. His father owns the place so doesn't have an issue with Hubby being there whenever (the hierarchy of the business is Hubby's father, Hubby's uncle, Hubby, all the other guys, and then me at the bottom of the pecking order doing the paperwork).

I don't necessarily like Hubby being out of the house so much, since we barely see each other during the summer as it is. His summer schedule is usually a shift from 1-9 or 2-10 p.m., but because of the nature of the business (it's essentially road service, but provided on the water by and for boats), sometimes he has to work later if a customer needs assistance, or he'll get called out in the middle of the night, or they'll have to salvage a boat that's gone aground or something and he's gone for hours. When he's home, he usually sleeps until about half an hour before he has to leave for work. So not much opportunity to interact, and with him staying later at the shop, there's even less.

On the other hand, with him gone so much right now, as I said in my previous post, not having sex isn't really an issue because there isn't time for us to have it anyway. Plus he and my 15-year-old don't get along very well, so it's probably good for them to have some space from each other.

But anyway... He got home about 3:30 a.m., and I was awake when he came into the bedroom. He wanted to cuddle, which was fine with me, and I asked if I could talk to him before he fell asleep. Better choice than waiting for him to wake up; his brain usually lags a couple hours behind his body in the "awake" thing.

When I told him what I expressed in the last paragraph of my previous post here, he immediately apologized for hurting me. Which caught me off-guard. His usual thing is to fix problems that can be fixed, as long as that doesn't involve him taking responsibility or needing to apologize for the problem. So him actually saying, "I'm sorry I've hurt you so much" in a sincere tone of voice was huge.

I told him I don't know how long this is going to last. That right now, I don't want to want sex, so I don't really have motivation to change my mindset. And that I feel like shutting down sexually is the most logical course of action to protect myself. I also reminded him that he has other options if he wants to have sex with someone, as long as he stays in the boundaries of our open marriage agreements.

He told me finding another woman to have sex with would be "too much trouble" (and that at least internet porn exists), and that as long as I'm still willing and able to be physically affectionate with him in nonsexual ways, he's okay with whatever I need to do to feel safe. Not that he's *happy* about it, but before he met me he went without having sex with anyone else for about four years, so it isn't like he's incapable of diverting his sex drive into other things. He's more unhappy about the current situation because *I* am unhappy and hurt than for his own sake.

Guy says he hopes I'm able to get past this, for my own sake; we don't see each other generally, and because of that, sex isn't a possibility anyway and he has other resources if he chooses to have sex with someone. Even on the rare occasions when we are able to see each other, he's content to just hold me and kiss; every time we've been together, it's always been my choice whether to have sex or not. (Obviously he gets a vote too, but his take on it seems to be that he's okay with whatever I'm okay with.)

So I guess right now, it's a wait and see thing. Wait and see if I'm able to work through this. (Guy said, "I hope one day you'll stop having those voices from your past in your head telling you you're bad and wrong"; I pointed out that those voices aren't the only problem now, given what's happened and what Hubby said to me over the past week.) Wait and see if I find any motivation to change my thinking. (My counselor said, "Sex is natural, and people need it to feel connected to one another." I said, "What about people who are asexual?" She didn't have an answer for that...) Wait and see if Hubby and Guy actually stick with me even if I do end up being celibate for the long term.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 06-29-2014, 05:43 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

I don't even know how I'm feeling today.

I've still been struggling with the stuff I've talked about in my last few posts. I can't seem to move past it or work through it.

Yesterday, Guy texted me and told me he had a date with someone he'd met on OKCupid. I was happy for him. I'm the one who told him to join OKC, because I don't want him to be alone and lonely, and I can't get to see him. But I was also scared, because now he has the chance to be with someone who's actually in his geographic area.

He and I talked it out before he left to meet her. I made it clear that I was genuinely happy for him, and not jealous, but more envious that he's able to meet people on OKC and AdultFriendFinder, whereas when I try, people don't answer my messages; and the messages I get are predominantly either just "Hi," which I don't answer because there's nothing to go on, or along the lines of what a horny bitch I must be to "play around" on my husband. And envious that the women he was meeting is able to see him and be with him. (I differentiate between jealousy and envy, as I think I've said here before; jealousy means wanting to take something *away* from someone else so you can have it, whereas envy means you wish you also had something someone has, but don't want them to *not* have it.)

After I talked to Guy, I went to see Hubby at work, partly because I got a little upset when Guy texted me about the date and partly because I really needed to pour a few things out. No one else was in the office, so we could talk as long as he was paying attention to the phones and radios. I told him I needed him to understand exactly how deeply he's hurt me, cumulatively over the past five years of all the things he's said that have sounded like condemnations of me and my sexual interests rather than him just saying *he* wasn't interested.

Hubby told me he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I said every single time I've tried to talk to him about how his condemnations make me feel, he responds sarcastically and defensively. I told him I either needed to hear him acknowledge what he's done that has hurt me, and how deeply it's hurt me, and apologize without sounding like he's blaming me for feeling hurt; or I needed him to admit he isn't capable of doing that.

He acknowledged and apologized, and said he wished he'd been man enough to do so without me having to prompt him. And he said again that he understands that right now, part of me is curled up into a little ball and that part needs time to heal and process, and not having sex is the way I feel like I need to do that. But today, he barely spoke to me before he left for work.

I don't think Hubby is ever going to completely accept how much he has contributed to the damage that's been done to me over my life. I don't know whether he's going to accept me being celibate for however long that lasts, or whether he's going to look for someone else to fuck. I don't know whether he's going to stay with me if I don't "fix" myself, and after all the pain he's caused me, I don't know whether I want him to.

Meanwhile, Guy told me this morning that he slept with the woman he had the date with last night, and while I am happy for *him*, I'm sad and scared for *me* because since she's near him and is currently open to having sex, he might decide to dump me in favor of her. I expressed that to him, and he said he has no intention of ever dumping me for anyone, because he's in love with me and anyone else is just someone to have fun with. I want to believe him, but all the pain and depression and shit in my head isn't letting me right now.

Guy told me when he and I were talking yesterday that he hopes I'll be able to recognize that *sex* isn't what hurt me, Hubby and the 18-year-old are. Right now, I don't see it that way. Yes, sex in general isn't a bad thing. Or a good one. It's a tool, and whether it's good or bad is in how it's used. For me, it's been bad. People have used it to hurt me, or have hurt me because of it, and I want to stay as far away from it as I can. If I'm not doing anything sexual or owning anything sex-related, no one can use those things against me. I'm safe.

Tomorrow's my birthday. It's going to fucking suck. Then again, in 44 birthdays, I can only think of one that *hasn't* sucked, so this is nothing new.

Last edited by KC43; 06-29-2014 at 05:52 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 06-29-2014, 10:13 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

I don't know if Hubby doesn't think things through and just blurts things out because he actually does have Asperger's, as we've suspected, or because he's just a jackass.

He informed me that he doesn't say "I love you" because he means it. He says it because it seems important to me to hear it, but he's just "phoning it in" when he says it.

Apparently he's decided to see how much he can hurt me before I say fuck the fact that my kid wants to finish at her current high school, I'm out of here.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 07-01-2014, 10:58 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

Confronted Hubby about the "phoning it in" comment. He claims he thought "phoning it in" meant having to remind yourself to do it, and he has to remind himself to say "I love you" out loud because it's so obvious to him that he loves me, that he can't quite understand why I need to hear it.

I told him sometimes it's just nice to hear.

Yesterday was my birthday. I started the day not so great, but then I called Guy and we talked for about an hour and a half. I told him I was still feeling insecure about his date Saturday, and he reassured me that I'm the only one he wants a *relationship* with. This woman, and anyone else he hooks up with, is just a fuck buddy, because that's all he wants with anyone else. We're talking about me possibly going to visit him again in August, if I can figure out how to come up with the plane fare.

Last night, Hubby took me for a boat ride across the harbor to a restaurant he took me to once last year. The ride itself was about an hour each way. For the first time in a while, especially since all that stuff happened last week, I felt very close to and safe with Hubby. There was some snuggling and kissing (he was driving the boat, but it's a small boat, so he only needed one free hand), and some conversation that had nothing to do with issues. It just was very nice, and a good way to spend the birthday... until we got home and he got snippy with me because I said I still wasn't having sex with him.

I talked to him about that today. I told him I felt like he was angry with me for turning him down and like he kept pushing even after I said no, even though he claims to understand why. We got into an argument about it, but sorted things through for the most part. I told him I can't explain what PTSD is like to someone who doesn't have it, but that right now I feel like there's a little girl in my head screaming at the top of her lungs "Don't touch, don't touch, don't touch!"

We talked more after I got home from picking up my kid from her job. I told Hubby I don't intend to hammer at him about things he's said to me in the past, but that as I work through all this, I may need to bring those things up and ask him to clarify, and if I do that I need him to just explain why he said them and apologize if he feels it's warranted, and NOT say things like "Sorry I fucked up your life." He said he would try.

I also told him that that "little girl" in my head is the "broken" (I hate that term) part of me that was victimized, sexually and emotionally, when I was very young. Because of all the triggers last week, as far as sex goes I've regressed to that point, which is something I was far past, and now I need to let that little girl grow up again, and I need to be gentle and patient and need Hubby to be as well. I think he understood... we'll see.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 07-05-2014, 06:20 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

Doing better. I think.

Hubby and I have been talking as much as we're able. His work schedule is a mess at this time of year, and my schedule's been way off because of my kid's job and transportation needs. But we have made some progress.

Hubby still doesn't completely understand the PTSD stuff. He's known pretty much since we met that I have PTSD because of past abuse, and that the abuse (the emotional/verbal component particularly) was ongoing for over 30 years between my mother, my grandmother, and my first husband. But sometimes he doesn't grasp that it isn't something I can "just let go of and move on", and he doesn't get that there's no point trying to be rational to get me out of it. When I have an anxiety attack, at some point I can say, "Okay, that doesn't make sense. That (whatever I'm anxious about) isn't likely to happen, and if it does, the worst case scenario is something I can handle." That works unless it's one of my random attacks, when I just feel anxious and don't know why. But even with the random ones, I can say "Okay, I feel anxious and I don't know why, but I do know it will pass."

With PTSD, that doesn't work. I can't say "That isn't likely to happen," because I've been triggered by something that reminds me of something that DID happen. So obviously if it happened once, it might happen again. It IS likely. It might not be as likely in the present moment, but it happened before and it was something very damaging, not something I would be able to handle if it happened again.

It's a learning curve for Hubby, but he says he wants to learn so that going forward, he'll be less likely to say something hurtful or upsetting and will be better able to help me when PTSD issues crop up. Which I know they're going to. I've lost huge chunks of the first 36 or so years of my life; I've blocked things out because they were more than I could cope with. So I don't know what might trigger me, because I don't know what memories exist that could be triggered.

Guy has been hugely supportive through all of this. He doesn't have PTSD either, but he understands it better because he's better able than Hubby to put himself in someone else's shoes. Guy just listens to me talk, reassures me, reminds me that I'm loved and wanted now, and tells me he wishes he were here to hold me.

Guy is still seeing the woman he met on OKC. They've only gotten together once since their first date, but they've been talking. When Guy told me he was seeing her the second time, I said, "I'm glad you're having fun, just don't like her better than me." I said it jokingly, but also because I do sometimes need reassurance. A large part of the emotional abuse I was put through involved being told over and over that I was nothing. I was worthless. I was useless. No one would ever love me, and I didn't deserve to be loved. So even though I know consciously that both Hubby and Guy love me as unconditionally as anyone can love someone else, those fears from my past, and those *words* from my past, keep coming back to haunt me. Fortunately for me, both men understand that and are willing to give me as much reassurance as I need. And I try not to ask for reassurance unless I'm really struggling.

Guy says he doubts he'll be seeing the other woman any more after he's finished his current project for work. He won't be wicked far from her, but it'll be about two hours as opposed to about 15 minutes, and he doesn't want to have to drive that far. (Plus gas costs...) He plans to maintain a friendship with her, but that's about it.

And I'm going to get to see Guy next month! Best Friend took me out to dinner on Wednesday for a belated birthday present. I was talking about how I really wanted to be able to see Guy in August, and was trying to scrape together plane fare, because after that I wouldn't be able to visit him until spring 2015 at the earliest. Which would mean I wouldn't get to *see* Guy at all until then, unless either he manages to come up with money to come out here, which seems unlikely, or unless his job sends him back out here earlier in 2015. Best Friend knows how important Guy is to me and is very supportive of the relationship, so he loaned me the plane fare!
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 07-10-2014, 09:24 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

Guy hasn't mentioned the woman from OKC at all this week, so I'm assuming he hasn't seen her. (We've agreed to inform each other of any dates with anyone else; same agreement I have with Hubby, essentially.)

Today's Guy's birthday, and I really wish I could at least have given him a birthday kiss or something. Last year on his birthday, he was still in my area, but it was during the time we were trying not to let our feelings for each other actually exist. We had a date two days after his birthday last year, but it was the first date we'd had since I'd called a hiatus a couple months earlier, so it was awkward. This year, it would definitely not be awkward...it just isn't possible. (But only 25 days until I get to see him!)

Hubby and I are still having some issues, but we're beginning to identify the communication style differences--and the "sounds better in my head" tendencies--that cause some of the problems and prevent us from resolving things easily. So we're kinda working on that, even though Hubby keeps saying it would be easier to just not talk at all than to keep risking saying something wrong...
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 07-14-2014, 01:51 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

So, this has been an interesting weekend...

I've been chatting with a couple of guys on OKC and one on AFF. Toward the end of the week, S2 (the AFF guy) and I realized we both had the weekend free, and he asked if we could meet. So we arranged to meet at the New England Aquarium, and wandered around Boston's north end a bit, had lunch, etc.

It's been a long time since I've met someone I felt instantly comfortable with. Even the first night I met Guy, I felt awkward, and I wasn't really sure what to say to him. But with S2, the conversation started and just kept going. We did not run out of things to talk about at all, and he's a really interesting person.

The weird thing was, when S2 first messaged me, I didn't read his full profile. Only enough to see how tall he is (I'm shallow; I prefer a guy to be my height or taller) and to make sure he wasn't cheating on someone. Friday after I agreed to meet him, I read the entire profile, and my jaw just dropped... His description of his ideal woman matched almost exactly what I look like, and he specifically said he was looking for someone accepting of non-monogamy. So I had pretty high hopes when we met.

After a few hours in Boston, we went back to his place, and...let's just say things progressed very smoothly. I was completely comfortable and confident, which is rare for me the first time sleeping with someone. We had a few random moments of extreme physical awkwardness, but we just laughed about them. No mental awkwardness along with it.

We agreed we want to see each other again. He's only looking for an FWB situation, and that's all I want right now as well, so we'll see how it goes.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 07-19-2014, 08:35 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

My three weeks of having to transport younger kid 70 miles a day for work are over... And she's now with her dad for the rest of the summer, other than a couple of weekdays next week for her birthday party with us, and a couple of weekdays next month after I get back from visiting Guy so she can get her learner's permit and start practicing driving.

I'm feeling a little crabby today because I've had three different guys emailing me on OKC and AFF, who proved in the past 24 hours that their reading comprehension skills suck. All of them refused or were unable to comprehend that I write FICTION. Which means it is NOT about my real life. I do NOT live the stories I write, whether romance or teen fiction. And writing romance is NOT EVEN CLOSE to the same thing as "dirty talk." I had to block one of the guys from messaging me further because he was not taking "I don't do dirty talk, please leave me alone now" as an answer.

Had a jealousy issue yesterday. Guy is leaving the area where the woman he's been seeing from OKC lives, and he's told me he doesn't plan to see her again unless she's willing to drive the 2 hours to visit him at his next project location, because he can't afford the gas and only considered her someone fun to pass time with while he was in her area. (And he did make that clear to her.) Yesterday was his last day there, so he chose to spend most of it with her. He texted me to let me know, and part of me wanted to tell him that I didn't want him to go see her.

I didn't say that, of course. I just thanked him for telling me and told him to have a good time. But I really didn't want him to see her, and I'm not even sure why. Other than the obvious, insecurity. She's near him; I'm not. Even though he's told me I'm the only one he loves or wants to love, I'm still afraid he's going to find someone geographically closer to him and decide she's better for him than I am. Jealousy and insecurity are going to happen, and that's okay. How I handle it is what matters, and yesterday I handled it right, as far as I'm concerned. I kept it to myself, let myself feel crappy for a few minutes, and then ordered my lunch and played a word search game on my phone while I ate.

Meanwhile, I'm seeing S2 again either tomorrow night or Monday night, depending on his band's schedule. They tentatively planned a recording session tomorrow night, but S2 won't know until tomorrow afternoon if they're actually doing it. Fortunately, with younger kiddo gone, my schedule is flexible enough that I can deal with the short notice. Hubby already knows I'm seeing S2 and that it's going to be one night or the other; I can't remember if I told Guy or not, but I'm going to text him when I know for sure when the date is, just to make certain he's aware.

I told Guy I was worried about what some of the AFF people we know would think if they found out that not only am I married *and* seeing Guy, but I now have an FWB as well. Guy said, "Fuck 'em. Or actually don't, because they aren't worth it."
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 07-24-2014, 01:24 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,677
Default

I don't know what the hell is going on right now, and it's really getting to me. Don't take someone with anxiety disorder who you know is prone to jumping to worst case scenario and suddenly stop communicating with them...

First, the good bit. I had a date with S2 Monday night, and it was awesome. On Sunday, I had an issue because of something Hubby said that sounded to me like he was accusing me of fucking everything in sight. (He said it was a joke. I said jokes are usually FUNNY.) So Monday, I was reluctant to even see S2 because I was still stung by Hubby's comment and worried about what Hubby was going to think of me for going out with someone else.

But the date went completely great. The second I met up with S2, I was immediately comfortable and relaxed, just like on our first date. We went out to dinner, which almost ended in a very embarrassing manner when the zipper to the pocket where I stash my condoms broke open and stuff started falling out... Fortunately, the condoms stayed put. I'm not ashamed of carrying them, but that doesn't mean I want everyone in a crowded restaurant to see them! Then S2 and I went back to his place, and it was just plain good. Easy. Comfortable. We're going to see each other again soon; we aren't sure when exactly, but he mentioned wanting to try to get a day off from work so we could spend an entire day together.

The day after the date, I went into the city to have my daughter cut my hair at the beauty school she attends. In the middle of downtown Boston, dodging people on their lunch hours and myriad tourists, I ran--almost literally--into S2. Which amused me because of the improbability factor.

But the bad...

Guy called me Monday morning, and I said something that I intended as teasing but it came across the wrong way. I apologized, and he said we were good. (It was about him moving in with Hubby and me someday, nothing insulting or anything.)

Other than a couple of pokes on Facebook, I haven't heard from him since. He isn't answering my calls or messages. He *might* be at home this week; I know he's transitioning from one work location to another, and sometimes he's home during transition weeks. But I don't remember him telling me he would be home, and since he isn't answering my messages, he hasn't answered the one I sent last night asking whether he was at home.

If I knew for a fact that he's home, the lack of communication wouldn't bother me. His ex-wife doesn't know about me, and for the sake of his son, Guy needs to keep it that way for now. It's the not knowing that's really getting to me. I don't know if he's home, or if he's still upset about what I said Monday, or if something else is going on that's preventing him from communicating. And I'm supposed to fly out to visit him on August 4. Now I'm wishing I hadn't already bought the plane ticket, because I have the horrible feeling I'm going to have to cancel the trip, and the ticket is non-refundable...

I hope I'm wrong. I know that I have anxiety disorder and depression, and that those screw massively with my perception of reality sometimes. Hubby and Best Friend both told me they're sure there's nothing to worry about, that Guy loves me and if I had done something wrong, he would tell me. I'm trying to believe them, but... like I said, it isn't as much the lack of communication that's bothering me as the lack of knowing WHY. If Guy *is* home, he'll be starting his next work location on Monday, so I should hear from him by then. If I don't hear from him, I'm going to assume the worst, because I don't know what else to think.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:44 AM.