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  #31  
Old 04-29-2014, 09:30 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Swinging is what it was at first for Hubby and me. It was his solution to a discrepancy between us sexually; I wanted to experiment and explore, and he'd already done all that in his younger days. So he said I could hook up with other men so I could try the things I wanted to try. (And of course he was also allowed to hook up with other women.) Our initial rules stated that no feelings beyond friendship were allowed with other partners, and I had to talk hubby into even allowing friendship.

It quickly became apparent that neither of us is cut out for swinging. Hubby prefers only having one sexual and/or romantic partner, and I need at least friendship to consider someone as a sexual partner. The whole thing with Guy really came out of the blue; I wasn't expecting it at all, and he and I lost a month and a half of the three months he was in my area because I was so afraid of how intense things were getting that I stopped seeing him. But once I was able to admit to myself--and to Hubby and Guy--how I felt, and both of them not only accepted it but were happy with it, the situation felt like the way it should have been all along.
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Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "person I like spending time with", male, 44, non-monogamous
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
Guy: male, 43, former LDR boyfriend, maybe friend
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  #32  
Old 04-30-2014, 12:24 AM
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Cool story, KC43.
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  #33  
Old 04-30-2014, 04:07 AM
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If the issue is explaining to someone else what/who I am-my answer is completely different than what I originally wrote, as I understood the original question.

In response to what to say to others:

I tell them, I live with my husband of 16 years, my boyfriend of 21 years and our kids.

I skip the "poly" term because most people don't know it anyway.
But-the descriptive opening sentence I use, leave them free to ask questions to clarify-without opening up the need for using a bunch of terms that people can't agree on definitions for.
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  #34  
Old 04-30-2014, 05:22 AM
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Yeah, a word is actually only as worth as much as the amount of agreement that can be had about its definition (in any one given conversation). And I think I, too, on those rare occasions where I come out "to one of them" (e.g. to a new shrink I might be seeing), I don't bother saying "polyamory" either. What's the point? I just tell them that Snowbunny is married to Brother-Husband but also lives with me as if I were a second husband -- and both of us guys know about that and are okay with it. I'd have to explain all that whether I said "polyamory" or not, so I might as well not complicate matters by introducing some "kewl new word" to the conversation.

Re (from OP):
Quote:
"I have a hard time accepting that many full-blown swingers describe themselves as polyamorous."
As far as I can tell, that sentence is the actual original topic in this thread. But we've also discussed in this thread a couple of ways a person can be "swing" and "poly" at the same time. That admixture of contrasting ways of relating makes things messy, but it's part of the reality we all live in. How we deal with that reality is perhaps tangential to the original topic.
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  #35  
Old 04-30-2014, 01:37 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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There's not much of a polyamorous community where I live, and those seem to be all single, twenty-somethings, so despite my initial prejudices (picturing cheesy 70's-style "wife-swappers") I delved into my local swingers' community as a way to connect with others my age in committed relationships, but open to non-monogamy.

Most of "the lifestyle" folks I've met preferred some level of friendship with their lovers, some even had morphed into very close relationships with other couples that verged on, if not met, the qualifications for polyamorous relationships.

The difference between poly and swingers, to me, seems to be:
1) swingers are a "couplecentric" society. The swingers I know strictly have sex with others as a couple. It is something hubby and wife do "together" to "enhance" their marriage. The idea that you can fall in romantic love with more than one person at a time is somewhat uncomfortable to them.
2) swinging is geared toward heterosexuals. Though it's accepted for women to be bisexual (emphasis on the sexual), most of the swingers I've spoken to seem surprised at the idea that a woman who isn't a lesbian might actually fall in love with other woman. Bisexuality in men is pretty much frowned upon or kept on the down-low.

Though I live in a hugely gay/lesbian/transgender-friendly city, I haven't met any gay/lesbian/trans couples within the swinging community. I know plenty of gay men who are non-monogamous in one way or another, but they do their own thing amongst themselves.

I've been dating a guy for the last month or so I met on a swingers' dating site. He's divorced/single, hetero. His reasons for meeting people within "the lifestyle" are that he likes to have sex with others watching, he doesn't do well with traditional "dating" as he refuses to engage in any relationship where monogamy is eventually expected, and because he travels for several months a year so he feels he can't commit to a traditional relationship. That being said, he seems to very much be enjoying our one-on-one dates together, and he's as attentive as any man in the first stages of dating a woman.

I think of swinging as a way to engage in non-monogamy while still adhering to many of the norms of heterosexual/monogamous society. Most of the swingers I've met were nice, easygoing people, and the couples are very much in love with each other. Polyamory seems to have a more political, feminist, queer-friendly bent, which speaks to me more than swinging. But, whatever. It's all good.
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  #36  
Old 04-30-2014, 08:22 PM
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Well what I heard (one time) was that the details of a "swing scene" in any particular city vary from region to region. Is that true? Example: I had heard about the swing-as-a-couple protocol, but was under the impression that some swing regions hold to that protocol more than others. Is that true, do you think?

Posts by people with first-hand swing experience are valuable for me; they are my main source of information about what swing entails and what it's all about.
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  #37  
Old 05-01-2014, 05:50 PM
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It definitely differs from place to place.

Where we live the poly community and swinging community (and BDSM) are so intermixed as to be almost impossible to define.

The poly's who don't want to swing, tend to not participate in any of the communities.
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  #38  
Old 05-01-2014, 09:41 PM
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Interesting ...
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  #39  
Old 05-02-2014, 11:47 PM
Blonde7915 Blonde7915 is offline
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As someone who is a swinger and poly I might chime in. Many swingers actually actively seek out relationships with other couples or singles (usually single females). Many swingers build the friendship before jumping into bed with other swingers, not much different from poly really. However those same people also go to swingers parties and hook up with people just for the night, and I am sure their are poly people who have causal sex too.

Many poly seem to have this air that they are so much better then swingers because being poly is about love - but for me four of my closet friends - people who would pick up up from the airport, be there at family members funerals, cleaned our house when we needed to move came from meeting as swingers - the relationship changed and moved.

Just the like LGBTQ people but aside their differences to help each other out and move their rights along, I believe that swingers and poly folk are very similar and need to put aside their differences and work together. the same things effect both groups and no good comes out of being divided and at odds with each other when really we have very similar principles.
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  #40  
Old 05-02-2014, 11:59 PM
Blonde7915 Blonde7915 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I wonder if swing as a whole is evolving into a "more poly" version of swing than what it was traditionally? I am certainly one of the people who barely knows anything about swing, so that's admittedly idle speculation on my part. I have met a good number of people who started out as strictly swingers, and then decided polyamory was more what they were looking for.
Yes in some swinger circles there is a term used called 'progressive swinging' which is swinging with more emotional attachment then just having sex at party however the term is not the best because by the word progressive it implies that the opposite of it is not progressive.
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