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Old 05-15-2014, 01:42 PM
ohiomike84 ohiomike84 is offline
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1
Default Closet Polyamorist

Hello all! I am new to this forum and this is my first time posting. So here it goes.

I grew up in a small rural town and was raised Catholic, so everything this lifestyle is, is exactly what being raised Catholic, i am supposed to be against. After 30 years of living life i find myself married to an awesome woman who i love more than anything in this world, who is a great mother to our 2 wonderful kids, with another on the way. As i get older I find my inner feelings are not in line with the beliefs i was taught at a young age as "acceptable". So at times i feel torn, admitting to myself who i am and how i feel about monogamy, i realize its just not who i am. I have always found myself wanting attention from other women, both emotionally and intimately, which is more polyamorist. My wife and i have a pretty good sex life, but i'm left wanting more. I feel horrible for this and when i tell her im not satisfied she starts to question herself about our relationship. I have tried to ignore, seek counseling, and bury these feelings to no avail. I have tried to convey this to my wife, who says she is a serious monogamist who I know loves and cares for me deeply, but i do not ever see her accepting this part of me. I stumbled across this forum and thought i could see if i could get any advice or maybe some understanding from others who feel as i do. So any comments or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

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Old 05-15-2014, 03:28 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,691

Before I get into answering you I am going to warn you. I am blunt and to the point. I do not sugar coat things.

I do understand where you are coming from....


Your wife is pregnant with your third child. You probably have young children at home. As the mother of 3 kids I know they are a lot of work. You need to focus upon your young family right now. I am of the camp that Daddies are just as important as Moms.

As for your wife's sex drive. Is your wife a stay at home mom? Even if she is not. She probably has the kids hanging on her. Touching her. Invading her space all the time. Sometimes at the end of the day as a Mom you just want people to stop touching you asking things of you, needing you... You just want to decompress. After we have kids our bodies change. Things are no longer where they were. Society blasts us with images of what beauty is.. Imagine your wife looking at you saying the sex was ok but I want better.

Your wife is monogamous. She may NEVER be ok with poly even if she gives you the green light. Are you willing to hurt her? Is poly so important that you are willing to walk away from your wife?

Are you willing to face the backlash from your family, job and community?

When I started to really have a wandering eye (with no cheating) my husband and I had the hard discussion. Except I was going to dissolve our marriage. I was a serial monogamous before my marriage. I flitted from one relationship to another because no one is a total package for me. My husband Butch was the one who brought up poly. BUT he is apart of the kinky world and from a large city where this lifestyle is more known. It took us YEARS before we were ready for me to explore poly.

Poly will shine a a spot light on every crack in your relationship. Poly has destroyed many many marriages. Butch and I were always the couple everyone envied. We were rock solid. Best friends. We were inches from not making it. Are you willing to lose your marriage?

Poly is the hardest thing I ever have done. I have been lucky enough to find both my husbands. My other husband Murf is definitely monogamous. He is Irish Catholic. He met me in real life at a car cruise I was attending with friends hosted by Murf's car club. My husband doesn't enjoy car shows and etc. I have an antique pick up. After attend several of their events and chit chatting with me he asked me out.

He liked me a lot and decided to date me despite of my circumstance. Things grew from there. BUT if something happened to Butch, I can honestly say he WOULD NOT be ok with me seeking out other partners. In fact he has said so. He is only accepting of Butch because I am a "rarity". I will always be poly and have the ability to love more than one man, BUT that does not mean I have to act upon it.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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