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  #11  
Old 05-04-2014, 06:13 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Independence.

I love going into the city so much; into the hustle and bustle, ready to choose from the dizzying array of restaurants and cultural events. Settled in just in time for thin crust pizza with pesto, pine nuts and chicken to arrive at Daith's door. We curled up on the couch after dinner, me with two fingers of scotch on the rocks, to watch Twelve Years a Slave. Not exactly the most uplifting movie, but wonderfully shot and a well told tale of the resilience of the human spirit during a time of incredible ignorance. I had to look away a number of times - I have never been much of a fan of violence, and would rather not have images like that imprinted on my mind. To bed, I slept so soundly, my little dog in her bed on the floor. We are so at home in his place, my clothes in the closet, my things tucked away in their spots.

Wandered around a massive market having coffees in the morning finding Mother's Day cards and canoodling. Lunch at a favourite spot, sitting side by side, meandering through our meal and having connected talks. Met a friend of my heart for tea. She and her fiance split a month before the wedding, and she and I have been connecting in that compassionate space within grief. We have studied yoga for years together and clicked into each other's groove within seconds. Both of us left feeling inspired and heard. Returning to Daith we went out for some pretty slammin' Chinese food, then home to pull out the hide-a-bed and snuggle up to watch another movie. So domesticated and relaxing. We went to a bunch of appointments - he has a number of races coming up and has some issues in his lower back that need addressing before he goes crazy on adventures. The simple rhythm of life is lovely.

Texted and talked on the phone with Viveka, her talking excitedly about her upcoming move. I am so proud of her and excited for her future. She has faced so much inside of herself with such presence and bravery, even when her demons buckle her knees and make her weep like a child. Holding her in my arms and feeling that storm of emotion envelop her, rocking her and wiping away her tears as she faces the insecurities and fears inside of her. Being a rock to her is a beautiful gift, and I do not waver in the face of her emotion. I am as strong, and as soft as she needs me to be. It extends from my heart out and into her, my fingers in hers, my mouth on the nape of her neck with my torso curled along her spine. To see a woman like that is what love is to me; that wide open vulnerability and raw emotion, that absolute fear and terror laid waste in the truth of my love. She inspires me in her absolute honesty with self, and her ability to sit with the darkest of her feelings with grace and softness. I hold her inside of me at all times, cradling her soft femininity and revering all that she is. She will be my lady for as long as it is something that she desires.

I talk with friends about the concept of wholeness. New feelings have been growing inside of me these past few weeks, and it is a joy to witness. I grew so insecure in my last major relationship that it left me grasping at the illusion of control in an attempt to mitigate my agony. There was no control to be had, and my pain was my greatest teacher of all, as it always has been. As I step fully into a new chapter in my life, I feel an intense sense of self realization and independence. Over the past 11 months I have met each and every responsibility in my life with courage and capability. I have found solitude in the forest, in my meditations and in dozens of counselling sessions. I have filled myself up in all of the places that I had been stripped bare, and had willingly emptied for another person. I have reconnected with my own resolve, and find myself experiencing deep and long periods of peace, joy and full acceptance of where my life is at. I live more and more in the present moment, and less and less in the past. This is reflected here and I have no desire to revisit what was. That part of my life is over, and getting to know myself as a fully grown, independent and successful woman is an interesting revelation.

I speak to Daith about my need for independence and he responds with such kindness and patience. I turn down so much with and from him, needing to stand on my own two feet and live fully in my own skin. It is too easy for me to get on that same set of tracks; living together, engagement, marriage. He is wealthy, generous and constantly wants to spoil me, help me, take me on trips. I just can't right now. I need to live firmly in my own life and know what that is like to be my own woman. To feel the full weight of my responsibility and remind myself that I can do this on my own. I need to move slowly and really see what this man is made of over time. To be sure that I want that life for myself again, and if so, that he is the right person to partner with.

Two years? Three? I don't know how long these things take. I know that going slow, enjoying each other, and truly getting to know each other before we do something like live together is what I need. He sends me pictures of rings and I have a serious talk with him about not being ready for anything like that yet. I see him false start all the time, and it is hard to remain resolute when I feel that familiar pull of tradition and stability inside of me; I can see how much these things are borne of happiness for him, but I am just not ready, and that is okay.

My home is quiet and cozy right now. It's wet and beautiful out there, and Spring has taken hold of every surface, plants curling up and into their full glory. The trees are heavy with leaves and every surface will glisten in today's wetness, narrow paths and the steady beat of my feet on the ground and my heart in my chest. The mountain awaits and I am hungry for it.

I am full. Whole. Resilient and responsible. I am proud of myself for my good heart and my commitment to growth.
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  #12  
Old 05-06-2014, 08:17 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Footprints.

The forest is incredible these days. Ferns are stretching up and out of their slumber, and the birds are shrieking their joy at the abundance of light and food all around them. As my feet find their way up the familiar path with an ever quickening cadence, the ground gives way and guides me into the center of myself. I am dreaming with my eyes open and am barely even aware of having a body any longer; I am enveloped and cradled in the sensations of being alive, and everything else leaves me. The warmth of my breath on my lips, the sway of my arms hanging lazily at my sides, the burning in my hamstrings during the steep bits. The words fall away, the thoughts melt into the earth and my pack of dogs become like spirits as they canter along beside me, their gait relaxed and free. I had three with me last night, Cereb either bounding in front of me, or following closely behind me, sweat pouring out of every surface of his body. I don't sweat at all on that mountain. My body is designed for it, and the muscles in my legs are taut and supple in all moments now. Glorious.

Cereb is some kind of an angel. I can see the hump of his wings underneath his shirt. We wind down the road, him handling my car like a drunken moose, the dogs sliding around in the back as we listen to The Killers at top volume. I cry shamelessly in front of him. The tears slide down in messy miniature waterfalls and carve wet tracks on my skin. Honest in every moment, he requires no illusions of me, and has no sympathy for me either. Within moments we are busting a gut laughing our heads off; he cheers me up by telling me hilarious falsities about the horrible demise of his ex/still current love, "You think YOU feel bad? Imagine how *I* feel - my girlfriend had her head snapped off by a giant squid only yesterday! How terrible!" If he has an F in his Meyers Briggs, I'd gage it at about a 10%. Aahahahaha. We eat together, and then slide into the privacy of our own evenings. I could move to Nantucket with him right now without even blinking, and if he walked out of my life and never returned I wouldn't even be sad. He is just as he is, quick as a snake and slippery as an eel.

Plans with a girlfriend tonight to sip wine in a swanky restaurant and talk about revelations that we have come to. We have been friends for almost a year now, and our relationship is based solely in talks about our spiritual journey. She has this wild flaming red hair, and is oddly psychic. She has said things to me that actually make my heart pound. Only *I* know some of the things that she has said just off the cuff to me, and has an uncanny ability to predict what is happening next. People drive long distances to have her give them 'readings' but for her, it's a shruggable thing - it is what it is, and she doesn't give it much weight. It's like playing when I hang out with her - I feel like we are six, just with more consciousness.

It has been a ludicrously social year for me. I have to carve out pockets to refill my introverted batteries and retreat into quiet space with my books, meditating in the back yard. Hanging out with other introverts can be like being alone in some ways, but without whole days by myself I always feel a little tapped out.

My photography session with Dreamer is happening this Friday night if all pans out well. Projects are motoring along beautifully. My heart is full, and my mind is quiet more often than not. The love I house for Daith and Viveka is easy. I need space, and both of them have rich, full lives that make it easy for me to take it. Alma and I have been reconnecting a lot lately; talks, inspiration, and hopefully some more yoga. He does Bikram's, and while I have always avoided it because the idea of doing it in a hot room kind of rubs me the wrong way, I like the solid flow of it when he is leading class. We might go to some actual classes together soon, although I am cautious of it, as my guru has talked about how it aggravates the central nervous system. We'll see how it goes - it's so beautiful out that my practice will be back outside again in the near future anyways.

My meditations have been on insecurity and control lately. It's a beautifully humbling experience to sit with those parts of myself. I am such a sensitive, loving heart, and rejection, betrayal and dishonesty brings out this insanely protective beast in me. It is so incredibly futile; nothing can protect you from this world. There is only acceptance in what is, and the illusion of there being anything to be insecure about, or to control is what I need to look at. The mind that creates these things will spur the body into emotive states that are so incredibly destructive and futile. I remove myself from my thoughts, I observe and give my attention without attachment to the surges of emotions that come from particular thoughts. I stay removed and curious about the experiences that I choose to create inside of myself.

Most of all, I just feel a lot of love and compassion. For myself, for my ex, and for our spectacular human flailings. Loving him was one of the greatest joys of my life to date, and I am deeply grounded in a state of gratitude for all of the beauty that we had between us. As much as there is pain, there is so much beauty, and today, I am happy that it fills up my heart, and that my eyes are dry.

Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 05-06-2014 at 08:21 PM.
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  #13  
Old 05-07-2014, 11:55 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Dreams.

Home after work last night, whistling away in the glorious sunshine and playing with my dog in the back yard. So good! Petto and I had an unexpected and lovely visit, and I txted Cereb to let him know that my wine drinking plans had fallen through - my friend wasn't feeling well, and I was feeling hyper and ready for a little adventure. He was oh-so-game and tied up loose ends to come and get me.

We hopped in his newly tuned up hilarity of a vehicle, and in the style of a sleep-deprived Bukowski he drove us to a neighboring city to one of my all time favorite restaurants for an uber fancy dinner, yelling at each other over the music. He wore LOAFERS to dinner. I have never seen that man out of sneakers the entire time I have known him. I almost wore 5" heels and a proper dress, and then was like, 'It's Cereb!" When I told him that it had crossed my mind, he said, "Yeah, but I"m Cereb!" EXACTLY! We pulled up to a favored restaurant of mine; been there so many times over the years, and was worried that somehow it would be a trigger for me, but it turned out to be pretty blissful. Our taster platter had miniature beef wellingtons, perfectly tender prawns and this crazed handmade cheese layered into a picture perfect slice of pie interspersed with layers of delicately cooked squash, hard crostinis on the side. I had this succulent and tender rabbit that shut me up for a good ten minutes. Crispy oven roasted vegetables were artfully arranged on an incredible side of creamed parsnip butter, a sinful stuffing on the side. He had a perfectly cooked ling cod, and we fought over handmade chocolate and minted ice cream for dessert. Elderflower infused bourbon lemonade, ice cold water and perfect company. We gossiped for a couple of hours, eating and giggling at each other's stories. I toasted our friendship and got a little mushy, and giving that he's got all the feelings of a piece of coal the vast majority of the time, I was surprised when he piped up and said that our friendship meant a great deal to him, and when he admitted that he hadn't had a friend in his life like me since grade eight, I said that I knew exactly what he meant. He said that at most, he hangs out with most people once or twice a month. We sometimes hang out three or four nights a week, and he has taken to just coming over in his pajamas in the evenings for movie nights or tea drinking parties. He is ruthlessly honest in all things, and I can say that I have never spoken the truth like this to anyone in my life - I cherish him, and his friendship - it is unlike anything I have experienced in my adult life, and having ZERO sexual bullshit between us is so good. Taking the J out of someone's Meyer's Briggs is pure magic (Cereb is an INTP) - I have experienced that same lack of judgement in Viveka (an ENFP) and found it to be incredibly relaxing for me. We went thrift storing afterwards, which I totally love doing but have been refraining from for several months.

Such incredibly vivid dreams last night, one of which involved a baby. That's something that I haven't given a lick of thought to for quite some time! It belonged to Petto and I, which made me laugh upon waking when I recalled it. I could see him being a great dad; so steady, so firm and kind and his parents would probably eat it whole, let alone my dad - he will point at random people's babies and ask me, "So when are you going to give me one of these?" Me with kids.... I'm great with them, but even in my dream I was holding the baby out to Petto, being like, "What do I do with this thing?"

I wrote in my journal for almost an hour and a half last night, and then again immediately after waking with a piping hot coffee. So much is coming to fruition inside of me, and it blows me away how much is falling into place these days in my external life. I am so excited for this summer.

The slow groove of these long evenings is delicious. Heading to a film fest with Cereb tonight, then hanging with Petto. Viveka is knee deep in some huge life changes - a move, a trip, and all manner of work responsibilities. Daith is buried in work right now - back to back projects that are spanning up to 16 hours a day. Times like this make us all grateful for the constancy of our love, and the lack of stress that any of us experience in our independence.

There is talk of Daith coming out for a week once his big work push is over, but I know he really just wants to take me on an all expenses paid tropical vacation. I haven't wrapped my head around that one yet - feels like such an extravagant gift. He does this though; my birthday last year left me squirming- he got me enough gear to see me through EVERY season of running outdoors, and it left me feeling pretty damn shy about the amount of money that he had spent on me. Christmas was equally ridiculous with a two day whirlwind in the city, including an entire day at a luxury spa. Crazy boy!

Tomorrow night my one of my ex-girlfriends is coming for a (non-sexy) sleepover followed by her treating me to a spa day! I love spending time with her, and value her friendship so much. This weekend is going to be all gardening and hikes and maybe, just maybe some sexy-ish times with Dreamer? We'll see what unfolds, but I am curious!

Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 05-08-2014 at 01:25 AM.
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  #14  
Old 05-08-2014, 07:42 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default The Stars.

"You've got to hold on when you get love.... and let go when you give it."

Spoke of the nature of love with Cereb last night for a long time after the movie, our bellies full of horrid orange soda and popcorn, looking at the night sky in our states of altered consciousness. Yoga is in his bare livingroom; he is purging everything that he owns as an experiment, and I enjoy watching the way that he lives. We're doing some mountaintop meditations next week, which will only work if we don't bring the dogs. They'll not know to be bummed, but I will - I love watching them work and run with us, and seeing the grins on their faces.

Talks with Petto, we get on the same page fast, and stay there. More and more we just have an invisible agreement that we seem to arrive at over and over again. It's awkward how sexually attracted I am to him at times, but I am ironclad in my personal discipline and don't allow my vagina to lead me around in life. I think that the feeling is mutual, but it doesn't matter anyways. It is what it is, and we're firmly planted in mutual respect and friendship, so we'll just stem from that in all that we do and keep things simple.

Been thinking a lot about the nature of sexuality, and how it has the capacity to truly change the dynamics between people. It releases so much karma to unify a body with another; patterns that only exist in intimate relationships rise up and start to cycle through their own rhythms. It is only when you step away that you can see the places that you spin when biochemistry hunts you down, unarmed in the woods of your own heart. NRE is nothing that I am interested in - I have romanticized myself into hell in the past, and I shan't do it again. I treat it as an interesting experience, but no longer get wrapped up in the pleasure of it. I move slowly, steadily and just stay present for what comes after the initial dumps of dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin and vasopressin stop working their voodoo. Who is a person when you're not whirling high around them, or allowing these delicious bio-drugs to shape your ultimate choices for yourself? I recognize the ease of connection between people when sex is involved; the lubrication of biochemistry pulling at the solid structures of reason and compatibility. It fascinates me.

A favoured psychological study of Arthur Arun outlines the stupidity of mireading biochemistry. In his study, he asked various dyads to reveal intimate details about their lives to each other for half an hour, and then stare into each other's eyes in silence for four minutes. Afterwards, many of the people involved in his studies admitted to attraction to the other person that was involved in the study, and two couples ended up GETTING MARRIED.

It's not that I don't think that there is legitimacy in connecting with others through physicality - I adore sex like I adore breathing - it's a need in my body that I love to satiate and sink into the rhythm of. I just know that only without sex being a part of the picture do you truly have the opportunity to get to know another human being without being under the influence, so to speak. While seratonin and dopamine enter friendships all the time, vasopressin and oxytocin are only released during orgasm/sex, and they are the ones that I have seen steal people's brains away from them like fucking ninjas, especially my own.

Shit I've done while falling in love is kind of hysterical, "Let's move in together" is a wise one that I have done several times WAY too early in relationships for it to confidently be based on legitimate compatibility and connection. It is one of my patterns from my past, and not one that I will repeat again. True compatibility is something that I am definitely interested in at this stage of my life, and if I don't have it, then I am very comfortable being on my own. I am independent and don't see the point in living with my lovers right now - I like my space, like inviting people into it, like fucking people senseless in my room, or curling up by myself with a good book without the hassles of another human being there. I like that fluidity, and quite honestly, I wonder if I had come to this realization earlier in life if I would have even lived with most of the partners that I did. I'm not sure that this is even something that I would want again. My ex and I used to share a love den at one point - I worked my magic and found us a furnished two bedroom in a town in the middle of our individual homes, and it was SO much fun to go there, sex it up, spend time together and be blissful in our unique and delicious connection. It was an adventure every time. I like that idea, and might keep it as something for my next relationships. If it ever got serious enough that we wanted to live on the same property/share expenses/pool resources, even having our own suites within a house would be lovely - visit each other, but not have to be up on top of each other. Seeing lovers without the hassle of shared living, having restorative time, or private time with friends.

It's a shame, because I am SO GOOD at being someone's partner, LOL. I keep a beautiful home, and am good at taking care of practicalities for others - finances, shopping, all of that good stuff. I enjoy it very much, as acts of service are both a favored received and spoken language of love for me. If I love you, I will be overcome with a desire to do your laundry and tidy your kitchen up. It's an extension of my heart to serve others in that way. I get these rocks off with entertaining though - several kinds of cheese, olives and tapenades, bars of chocolate and an entire drawer full of tea, appetizers in the freezer that are ready to pop in the oven, white and red wine, scotch, gin and tonic water, with fresh limes in a basket and good quality kush; my home is open to the potential of friends every evening without having to go shop and fuss about. Cereb stopping by, or Alma coming to do yoga, Viveka coming for a sleepover, or my parents popping by to visit - I love to make tea and fuss, make sure there is a beautiful fire going, get a blanket for my snuggly girlfriends who get chilly, give foot rubs. It's nice to exercise that part of me without having someone there full time. So lovely to sink into the pleasure of my own company as well, and turn that care towards myself.

Life is marvelous and surprising at every turn. I find myself soaked in gratitude to my exes today, and the beauty that they brought into my life. I'm going to sit with that this afternoon, working away and getting shit done while contemplating the silence of thankfulness. Fuck. Yes.

Excited for my sleepover tonight - dinner, wine, talks, a hike in the morning up a favored mountain, visiting my construction site, spa times, and then I'm sure that Cereb and I will make the most of our heartbeats and lungs in the evening, scaling another one. There's a four hour hag of a mountain that needs to be murdered by us, just waiting for the weather to warm up just a little bit more.

Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 05-08-2014 at 11:32 PM.
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  #15  
Old 05-08-2014, 11:06 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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First, your post made me hungry. I have a hankering for a strawberry and elderflower pavlova.

I love the dynamic you describe between you and Cereb. There is something to be said for having a male friend who gets you and does not expect anything. It is important to surround yourself with people like that. They will always keep you humble out of the hype and keep you level-headed in the midst of anything. The beauty is you appreciate and value one another, so I will raise a glass of champers (at 8 am) to that.

Quote:
There is talk of Daith coming out for a week once his big work push is over, but I know he really just wants to take me on an all expenses paid tropical vacation. I haven't wrapped my head around that one yet - feels like such an extravagant gift. He does this though; my birthday last year left me squirming- he got me enough gear to see me through EVERY season of running outdoors, and it left me feeling pretty damn shy about the amount of money that he had spent on me. Christmas was equally ridiculous with a two day whirlwind in the city, including an entire day at a luxury spa. Crazy boy!
I say go for the holiday. Daith is doing it because he wants to and because he knows you can use it. Take a break and let someone do something for you for once. Independence is a beautiful and sexy thing, and I love knowing that I may want someone but never need them to provide anything for me. However, I like being to be spoilt every now and then. Where is he trying to take you?

Quote:
Such incredibly vivid dreams last night, one of which involved a baby. That's something that I haven't given a lick of thought to for quite some time! It belonged to Petto and I, which made me laugh upon waking when I recalled it. I could see him being a great dad; so steady, so firm and kind and his parents would probably eat it whole, let alone my dad - he will point at random people's babies and ask me, "So when are you going to give me one of these?" Me with kids.... I'm great with them, but even in my dream I was holding the baby out to Petto, being like, "What do I do with this thing?"
Babies are precious little humans. I waited almost seven years into my marriage to conceive the first one. I loved my little brother, nephews, and niece they like they were my own. I have godchildren all over the world. However, I never had a maternal bone in my body, and I definitely had moments during my first pregnancy of, "OMG. What am I to do with her?" The first time I looked in her eyes, every concern and worry melted away. None of it seemed important. She became the irreplaceable love of my life in that moment. I vowed to love her and never leave her.

I think you would be one hell of a mum. I say give it some thought, but do not let it consume you.

Quote:
I am ironclad in my personal discipline and don't allow my vagina to lead me around in life.
Good for you. It is hard to resist certain urges, but as you and Petto have figured out, sometimes that unrequited physicality might be a good thing. (I would make this into a motto for a t-shirt to sleep in or wear around the house.)

Quote:
I adore sex like I adore breathing - it's a need in my body that I love to satiate and sink into the rhythm of. I just know that only without sex being a part of the picture do you truly have the opportunity to get to know another human being without being under the influence, so to speak. While seratonin and dopamine enter friendships all the time, vasopressin and oxytocin are only released during orgasm/sex, and they are the ones that I have seen steal people's brains away from them like fucking ninjas, especially my own.
This. I agree with this wholeheartedly.

When I first met Matt, I friend zoned the hell out of him. He was my squishy. Even once I developed feelings for him and fell in love with him, I had to stop myself because that sexual attraction hit once love was in the picture. I did not want to act irrationally under the guise of sex. There was no penetrative sex until after the vows were exchanged. I wanted to get to know him intimately without being high on dopamine, seratonin, vasopressin, and oxytocin. I wanted to know that he wanted me for me and not after the love below. Looking back, that was the smartest decision because that time enabled me to get to really know him and not with GDS--Good Dick Syndrome--clouding my brain.

I am glad you are doing well and enjoying life. Continue doing that and surrounding yourself with good food, good wine, good books, good sex, and tranquility.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-09-2014 at 02:08 AM.
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Old 05-08-2014, 11:53 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Babies and Vacations.

Pavlova. My God, yes. I just had this incredibly moist and thickly iced carrot cake and it made my afternoon pretty sweet. Literally.

Thanks for your props re: Cereb. Our connection is pretty curious, and I enjoy it thoroughly. Just going on runs up mountains is enough for a friendship, but add all of the other things we enjoy doing together in there, and we have a pretty nice mix for regular companionship.

Daith wants to whisk me away to Kauai, Hawaii for two weeks. It's a very romantic gift, and I think I will follow your advice and take him up on it. It can be confusing for me, because I am fairly independent, but I know how much he loves to spoil me, pamper me, and make me smile. He has a folder waiting for me with all of our options for house rentals, activities and our overall itinerary, so if I say go and commit to dates, he'll be a man on a mission. Pretty adorable.

Oh I love the sexual tension between Petto and I, and unrequited is the way to leave it. I am devoted to Daith, and know that anything but complete fidelity is not acceptable in our relationships when it comes to other men. I would break up with him before I would betray him in any way. He knows that I find Petto attractive, because I am honest about my life with him, and trusts me implicitly.

I am amazed that you waited until you were married, and can see how it would make all the difference in building a really solid base for a marriage. That is a traditional value that has been left behind by so many people, but I do have several (Christian) friends who have abstained and say that they are the better for it. I have had some seriously great sex in my life, both within the context of marriage and outside, but know that for me, I could never enter into marriage without being confident that our sex life was going to be pretty great. I am re-evaluating a lot of the ways that I have approached relationship and connection over the years, and seeing how I have invited partners that had different characters and integrity than I do as a result of it. Fascinating stuff.
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Old 05-09-2014, 03:05 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Carrot cake...after my own heart. I wanted carrot cake cupcakes at about 4 AM. I finally had some this morning. Matt was sweet enough to pick some up after he dropped the girls off at school. He is my favourite person today.

It is good that you have a strong companion in Cereb. The two of you can run for me because I lack motivation these days. My trainers probably have dust on them.

Aww. You should go. How many people would turn down Hawaii? It is almost winter, and I am already trying to select a tropical destination for my girls' next term break. I can just see myself walking on the white sandy beaches of Mauritius or Mustique. Give the man something to work with, so he can treat you to a romantic getaway to Kauai. Two weeks in paradise. Time to start researching the island and seeing what adventures you can get into. Look at it is a way to create new memories that will last for a lifetime.

Aww again. Love makes me happy. Daith is good for you, and kudos to you sticking to fidelity. He seems like a good man, and I am sure he cares for you a great deal.

You? Me. I am still utterly amazed. He was and still is the only man I have had sex with. Strangely, he is the only man I have ever been attracted to as well. That could have been part of it because I had been intimate with females before him and was sleeping with my then-girlfriend/now-ex. It was definitely not religious conditioning, and I always believed in testing sexual compatibility. There was a limit with him, though. PiV sex did not happen. It was not a completely celibate existence for him. I am not that cruel. It was not intentional to wait until marriage. The first year? Sure. He was a friend and my squishy, and I was working out how I felt about him and the newness of romantic feelings for a man. The second year? OK, maybe. We were in the dating stage. Start of the third year? I cannot figure that one out. We were the best of friends, close, engaged, and obviously, it was pretty serious. He had proven himself. Madness. My only regret is waiting and missing out on something that was good for me.
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Old 05-09-2014, 04:26 AM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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"Elderflower infused bourbon lemonade..."

Ohhhh gawd....yum. My mixologist genes are churrrning....summertime cometh.

You always relate your life beautifully into words. Props & blessings.
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"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - MLKJ
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  #19  
Old 05-11-2014, 07:46 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Lazy weekends.

FullofLove: I will totally train for you! And we can both eat carrot cake, LOL. YUM! I have a lot of respect for the way that you started your relationship with your hubby. It has been something that I have been meditating on a lot lately, and some interesting things have come up for me in regards to that!

BlackMagic: SO DELICIOUS! Mixology is a pretty awesome skill to have under your belt, I can almost screw up a gin and tonic LOL.

This weekend has been pretty marvellous so far. Spent Friday with Petto and the dogs, going for long walks down at a local river and talking about our lives. As a fellow INTJ he's easy to relate to, and has a very measured approach to most things in life. We have had some similar struggles in our lives, and even share some of the same crew from our early teens which is kind of cool. We made pizza and hung out into the evening, Cereb coming over wearing a hysterical Asian hat and a silk robe. Fuck he makes me kill myself laughing. Up late listening to music and working on our tin hat conspiracies about the world.

Yesterday was the laziest of mornings. I got ready to go for an epic hike, and came out of the bathroom to one of my favourite smoothies at the foot of my bed, with no evidence of Cereb being anywhere in the house aside from that. Got ready and rounded up my dog pack, then met up with Cereb and away we went. Half hour drive and we were there, the bottom of this unremarkable trailhead. I could see the mischief in his eyes and knew that my ass was up for a serious grind. Four hours later, when we stretched by the car, I was all grins. It was like being an elf in LOTR; the old growth trees, the moss and lichen, the ferns all straining for sunlight and the sheer technical nature of the hike. The hike itself averages a sixty-six degree incline, and I loved having to work my way over massive felled trees and down steep ravines covered in rocks. He was coated in sweat as per usual at the top, the dogs swarming around us excitedly. The view was breathtaking, islands and a massive lake, us smiling and drinking water, satisfied with the fruits of our labour. #iearnedthisview much?

We met my parents for sushi afterwards and as always, I love hearing my parents tell stories to someone new for the first time. Their lives have been so full of experience and adventure and I always feel such a surge of pride and love in my hearts that I am the lucky girl who gets to be their daughter. They have been such an incredible source of support to me over this past calendar year, and I can't imagine what my life would be like without them. So many times I have sat and had long talks with my mother and father about the nature of commitment, and how much I struggle with all that has unfolded. They are resolute in their love for me, and they are so steady and wise. Their marriage is 42 years long, and they have so much love and respect for each other. It is humbling to witness something so solid and beautiful between two people.

Headed home to meet up with Dreamer, stopping to buy wine. Carted firewood upstairs and tidied the house a bit before she arrived. Time flies when we are talking - we stayed up late again. I warned her before she came over that my hike had taken a good chunk of energy out of me, and that I might be sleepy, so she didn't take me yawning and getting all sleepy from her lovely footrub personally. We postponed photos; we are both on our moons, and she talks about the lack of creativity inside of her during that time. Not sure when it's all going to come together - that was my hope for Daith's birthday present, so will have to figure something else out.

Daith and I talked for the first time in a few days. He has been so busy with work, and I have been buckling down in my work and fitness and spending lots of time with friends. It was so good to hear his voice - he was just about to head out on a run. He purchased us tickets to a big fancy event next weekend, and we're having a hotel night. Love mini holidays! He has a tough time with distance, and needs reassurance during those times; I forget about stuff like that as an INTJ, and can hear that inflection in his voice when he feels sad that we're not connecting often enough, whereas I can be totally content going a few days without long conversations.

My meditations on relationship, attachment and emotions have been so excellent lately. Staying present with uncomfortable feelings and not allowing them to overwhelm me is exciting and challenging work for me. My family legacy of mismanaging emotions has been something that has really plagued me in my adult life, especially within the context of intimate relationships. The way that I handle being afraid, vulnerable, insecure, or upset has a tendency to lean towards BPD - I don't meet a great deal of the criteria, but in the way that I feel so deeply, and so intensely, I do. I'm working with a DBT/CBT therapist specifically on this, and in conjunction with a lot of other work I am doing, it is making an absolutely massive difference in my life. It explains a lot of my struggles and gives me something very concrete to work on. It's a relief! Facing my weaknesses with love and compassion is a beautiful gift, and I am so grateful for this healing time in my life. Having supportive, stable people around me has made a massive difference.

I am increasingly grateful for the emotional experience of my marriage. Within the private confines of our relationship so many things happened. There is no point in cycling through the past - there are no lessons in going over the details of failures or perceived wrongs - we did our best in the time that we were together, and increasingly there is a sense of peace in my heart around it all. The lessons lie in the fact that I was pushed beyond my limits so many times that I had to face the ineffective way that I have dealt with negative emotions throughout my life. Now that I have lost my husband, the man who has meant more to me than anyone else ever has in my life, there is nothing left to fear. I have faced my biggest terror and I am still alive, still here, with a beautiful beating heart, still loved and with incredible people all around me. My life is intact, my responsibilities have been met, and I am fearless in the way that I am looking at myself, and the way that I failed myself and him within the context of our relationship. It is beautiful, humbling and exciting.

I used to Freak Out. Emotions would wash over me, envelop me and draw me down into the abyss of despair and terror. I had no concept of how to soothe myself out of that state when I would hit it; it manifested in all kinds of unhealthy ways starting in my mid teens. When I feel things like that now, I sit quietly and feel that emotion. I let it penetrate me and observe how I feel from a place of detachment and consciousness. I breathe, experience the flood of emotion, and self soothe. If I cannot shift it through acceptance, I go for a hike or a run, or if I am with Daith I fuck the living daylights out of him - something to draw me back into the physical realm and out of my head. It is wonderful.

I give my gratitude and thanks to my ex. For forcing this part of myself up and out through both his natural state of being, and the choices that he made so many times that it became intolerable for me to not to grow as a human being. I know it was intolerable for him, and while I wish I had received more compassion and less frustration from him, I am glad that I didn't. If he hadn't have been him, I wouldn't be here, facing this with my fearless heart. The gratitude and love that I feel in my bones for him freeing me from this pattern in my life by drawing me into the depths of it is permeating every inch of me these days. What a beautiful teacher he has been in my life, and what an opportunity for real happiness I now have. The saddest way to get here? Yes. Love of my life? Gone. I miss him everyday, and that is okay. It's okay to learn through loss, and it's a beautiful part of the human experience to feel the intense, raw emotion that exists inside of the process of grief. To have loved like that is a gift that many people never get to experience, and if I allow myself to separate myself from that joy, all is lost.

I no longer fear dealing with my negative emotions. There was so much shame in not knowing how to handle them, and the panic and shitty ways that I dealt with them are serious learning lessons; it is a pretty incredible feeling to be inside of myself, increasingly whole and capable inside of my emotional experience. There are days when I struggle, but I give those days voice to the ones who love me, and they encourage me, talk with me, or go for hikes with me. Cereb's strange perspective on the world, and near enlightened way of living his life have been instrumental in shifting my consciousness. The prods and indicators in counselling head me off on different thought trains, and I discover and rediscover myself over and over again. My partners are steady and stable and I love them.

On a less philosophical note, I have a road trip planned for the end of a month with a dear friend of mine. We're heading somewhere warm for a few days, stopping in a city that her hubby might be taking a new job in. I am excited for her, and excited to just drive, listening to good music and having long swathes of time to share our thoughts about life, and hear about her heart. She is so sensitive and beautiful, and we have been close for years - we both talk about how much we have shaped each other's lives, and I love her so much.

Sending everyone wishes for a wonderful day, and extending this humble heart out into the world.

Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 05-12-2014 at 01:18 AM.
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  #20  
Old 05-12-2014, 07:48 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Posts: 212
Default Surprises.

I have never much been a fan of surprises. Well, surprises that I know about. I will arbitrarily decide what the surprise might be "I bet it's flying lessons!" and then when it's an aromatherapy massage I am oddly disappointed. It makes me laugh, but I would always rather a) know what to expect b) be blindsided by a surprise. Daith texted me at around 4:30 yesterday evening, and told me to pack a bag and meet him at a particular hotel. My very bones quivered with excitement - I love it when he takes ownership of me for one, and I love sexy hotel romps in general.

The day was sunny and beautiful, and Petto and I's feet were crunching on gravel together. The dogs were bounding around in sheer joy and pleasure, and the wind rippled everything around us in shimmering light. Water lazily swung by us in the river, and we commented on things we saw, or walked in silence, or talked about the nature of things that we think on. We paused at a sandy beach that we favor to throw sticks for his dog and I did a short yoga practice. I love his energy, and his sweetness; he is quite thoughtful in very simple ways. We were trying to figure out how to get to the other side of the bank, as we have high hopes for finding a secret spot to lay out in this summer with books, kush, and nothing to do, and meandered back to the car to go for a drive and see if we could find a path there. Stopped by a garden center as I am inching towards getting all of my plants started in my veggie garden this week. The text came in on our way back to the car, and I could not stop grinning - what pleasure there is in life.

Home, I asked a friend to look after my dog and packed my bags, a bottle of rich Malbec for me and a big bottle of sparkling water for my ever-sober Daith. Lingerie, heels, gear and a change of clothes for the morning, I headed out with my sunroof open, arriving at my destination shortly. Lounging in the hotel room in heels and lingerie was delightful; reminded me of my early romps with my ex and I sent him my love and gratitude for such fun times.

He arrived and we were wordless. We didn't have a thing to say for almost two hours. It was absolute bliss, and as I lay on his chest, my body bathed in cooling sweat there wasn't a thought to be had. Living in the present moment has its perks. The evening unfolded beautifully; went for a nice dinner, walked around outside holding hands, the ease of our connection just there for us to enjoy. Back to bed, I put music on and he poured me wine and I read aloud to him. He loves it when I read to him, and I brought a book of short stories as a treat for him. He just gazes at me so softly when I "tell him stories", lying on his side, this huge, tough looking man covered in tattoos becomes my pusscat, but I ignore him entirely and get sucked into the depth of the story. Cereb leant me this book - The Late Man - and it gets me everytime.

We talked about my connection with Cereb, and I'm glad that we did. I love him. A lot. Daith is unthreatened, and trusts me implicitly although he did admit that he was envious of the sheer volume of time that the two of us get to spend together. He touched my face and told me that he had never known anyone like me before, and that he wanted me to have all of the love and happiness that I need in my life. I am his woman, he will not want anyone else as long as we are together. He is my man, and is the masculine focus of my desire. It is good to check in, to communicate.

I spoke to him of my meditations from the last couple of weeks, and about my BPD tendencies with emotion. Turns out he has already ordered books on the subject, and gone in to see his counselor to find out how best to support me as I make my way into my recovery. We talk about family dynamics, self realization, confronting our weaker selves with compassion and love. He talks about me as a whole person, accepting me as I come, and loving me just as I am. It is a beautiful gift, and we tumble into each other again, me bursting into tears at the sheer beauty of it more than once. By the time we curled into each other for sleep, my form planted firmly against the line of his body, the night was black and silent. He tucked his thumb into my fist, and the smile on my lips as I drifted off was as much for the love in my heart for my ex as it was for Daith. That man held me so beautifully before sleep for years, and I am so happy to have a return to love inside of my heart for him again; letting go of sadness and pain and seeing only the beauty that was there between us, and the gifts that he has brought to my life sets us both free.

Daith went out for fancy coffees and breakfast while I was in the shower, and we lounged around for a little while before getting started on our days. He has a wrap from a big job, my backlog from the weekend is always impressive, and we kissed goodbye in the parking lot.

I believe Cereb and I are going for a picnic tonight. I made talk of us bringing blankets and such and having a nice nap somewhere outside. I just want to share space with him, don't care what it is we do, really. He'll probably want to run up a mountain, and I will likely concede if that's what his heart desires. This week is going to be a fun one - time with friends abounds and a romantic weekend in the city planned by Daith to cap it all off. He's heading off to see his sister, and so this is our pre-anniversary celebration, to be followed up by his birthday celebration on his return. Yay May!

Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 05-12-2014 at 07:52 PM.
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