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  #61  
Old 05-03-2014, 05:16 PM
london london is offline
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He's probably Mr Literal too.

It sounds like whilst he needs sex, he doesn't need sex in all his relationships.

Maybe he sees it as he wants to have connections to several people and that connection will probably involve sex because connections of that nature usually do.
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  #62  
Old 05-04-2014, 10:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
He's probably Mr Literal too.

It sounds like whilst he needs sex, he doesn't need sex in all his relationships.

Maybe he sees it as he wants to have connections to several people and that connection will probably involve sex because connections of that nature usually do.
Yes, that is probably it. However, he just exudes sexuality and seemed to be unaware of that, or afraid to admit it. He is SO flirty when he goes dancing.

Anyway... he and I have had some cordial chats online since that night, and we plan to see each other tonight. We will see how it goes.

miss pixi is going to spend the night with a platonic friend who is going through a nasty divorce and needing support.

I am getting the feeling both of them are annoyed that I am not interested still in trolling okc for dates. I guess, if I was in the midst of NRE as they both are, there would be more balance! So odd. I do chat this or that person from time to time, but it's just more out of habit. I really don't want the stress of yet another first date. My life is too full. But I get the feeling they both wish I wasn't being so fulfilled by the 2 of them, so that we could all be on the same page!

Oh the things about polyamory one never expected! *shakes head*
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #63  
Old 05-04-2014, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Sounds like maybe you feel a bit of a bait-and-switch with respect to the living arrangements? That Ginger's input didn't lead to a situation you feel he's as vested in as you and Miss Pixi are?
Yes. It was especially odd he'd "forgotten" and denied encouraging us to move as close as him as we could! How could he "forget" that, and what does that say about his need for independence (and dating) conflicting with his need for intimacy with both of us!?

Quote:
Nice "you can't kid a kidder" moment, BTW. Is he not admitting his sex drive to himself, or just to other people?
It seems clear he isn't admitting it to himself, at least at times. Or he admits he's highly sexual, but is so "independent" he can take care of sexual needs with his own hand if necessary, doesn't "need" to get it from any other person. He once said, about sex, he's not needy, he's wanty. So, I just try to call it desire. Personally, I find it a need for myself. Mastubation gets old. I prefer rubbing up against someone else's warm skin!

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I'm glad you got the opportunity to talk - how does it feel now, after having time to settle and digest (or is this where your blog comes in)? I know that when I detach from Chops, it means something's wrong and I'm trying to protect myself, which I *don't* want to do. Protecting myself by distancing myself only hurts my relationship with him, and makes it harder to reconnect, but boy is it easy to do when you're hurting and you just want to take your hand off the stove for a little while.
I did update on my blog a little. In general, the talk was good, lots of things brought out and looked at. It felt good he was committed enough to come and hash things out for 6 hours. I made a point of giving him a good warm hug when he got here and another before he left.

In further news, today he told me David was reading my blog and this thread! And reading it out loud to Carla, but she finally told him to stop. I don't know if that means stop reading my posts altogether, or stop reading them to her. If the latter-- Hi "David," hope you're learning something.

So, they read the bit where I quote Ginger as saying Carla might be the 3rd woman ever to give him that "special spark." And Ginger asked me to look up what I said exactly.

I've asked Ginger not to read here himself, as he did start reading my blog, without telling me, back when we first met, when I was all gushy with NRE for him and felt embarrassed to have him read it! lol

And so, now, just as I was looking up the quotes for Ginger, him apologizing for the bother, David calls him on the phone! They are still talking.

Oy, what a can of worms.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #64  
Old 05-04-2014, 03:15 PM
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Which new development leads me to my earlier suggestion to Ginger which he rejected: all 4 of us, Mags, Ginger, David and Carla, get together and have our own pow-wow! Right now it's just getting messy, he said, she said, reading my posts here, tattling back and forth.

YUCK

I told Ginger the other night I've sworn off dating poly noobs just because of shit like this. The ignorance, the jealousy, the territoriality.

Not that I don't still get jealous and territorial and insecure, with my mono brainwashing wired into my damn head, but it's worse when one is a noob.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #65  
Old 05-04-2014, 03:37 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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Why would Ginger tell them about you posting here? That's a huge can of worms that didn't need to be opened.
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  #66  
Old 05-04-2014, 03:38 PM
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Why would Ginger tell them about you posting here? That's a huge can of worms that didn't need to be opened.
Good question! Bad move.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #67  
Old 05-04-2014, 04:17 PM
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Oh, FFS. I don't understand pointing them here (and to your blog) either, rather than just talking face to face. Hopefully, after reading (or hearing) all this, THEY decide it would be a good idea to meet.

Oy is right.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #68  
Old 05-04-2014, 05:20 PM
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OK, Ginger got off the phone and started chatting me, wondering how much to tell me about what David had just said...

But I cut him off and lit into him for telling Carla about this board in the first place. He said:

"I thought it was important for her to know she was being talked about in a public place. I didn't say what forum it was or anything. Just a public board. He must be good."

I said, "You could've asked me if I'd been 'outing' her first. Which I wasn't."



Then I said, "I don't want to talk about this anymore. We can talk more later in person." We've already had a date planned. So he said OK, but then asked me if I had any online resources about, "...what makes adding a third to an existing couple so difficult."

I said, "I am done talking about this now."

So, reading between the lines, it's obvious David had suggested a 3way so he can keep an eye on his woman. I don't know if he's bi. Ginger probably knows that by now though. Either way, he seems to want a 3some.

And maybe most of you will think, like I did, OMFG not that. Because I could sure see that being a disaster. Biggest newbie poly mistake. In fact, Ginger should see that, knowing that that is how I started in poly back in 1999 with my ex, and how it nearly killed me.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #69  
Old 05-04-2014, 07:50 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Doesn't it suck when a metamour or their spouse reads your blog and you get made out to be the bad guy? My metamour's hub got upset with me for 1) giving him the name I had (seems like he should have said something to me about it when I first came up with it not 2) where I mentioned therapy which was mentioned in a post while I was struggling. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...3&postcount=81I didn't put it there to be like "omg can you believe it he needs a counselor. Nope just a matter of fact statement that there are underlying issues there. He told me I really hurt him by posting that. I don't see how but guess I did, shrug.

Outcome of that: I told him I never wanted to be texted again. I didn't want to hear from either him or bassman about his issues of wild orchids and bassman's relationship. The outcome: I moved into a healthier place.

Sorry I digressed and am using your post to vent so back to my point. This is an anonymous forum. We don't use real names and in our posts should be allowed freedom to voice our angsts, our joys, our pain without worrying someone will get upset by it. And if they do get upset they should deal with it and not request or dictate how we behave here.
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  #70  
Old 05-04-2014, 07:57 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post

"I thought it was important for her to know she was being talked about in a public place. I didn't say what forum it was or anything. Just a public board. He must be good."
You're talking about an anonymous person on an anonymous forum. That's a poor excuse for violating your privacy.
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