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  #31  
Old 04-27-2014, 06:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I just feel uncomfortable with this huge whoosh of his energy out to them, a new one every couple months, not to mention all the other okc profiles he scans and tells me about. I just have to get used to it somehow! I need coping skills.
Quote:
He is sad I don't want all the details of the ins and outs of his relationships anymore. He likes having someone to retell the story of a date or flirty chat to, and I was that person, til now.
I think it is less "hypocrisy" and more "how much load can you deal with" at any one particular time.

People's energy level is allowed to changed/flux. You have had so many things happening in the last year -- not all poly-related, but even the house problems can be an energy drain too!

If not hearing the detailed play-by-play right now helps your stress level chill so your energy can improve? Go with it.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-27-2014 at 02:30 PM.
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  #32  
Old 04-27-2014, 06:14 AM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Well, for one thing, I am probably triggered back to the memory of when my ex h and I opened our marriage and he and our unicorn fell for each other....
I truly believe, from this post and your blog, that this, history repeating itself type of fear, is why Ginger's activities outside his wife, you and miss p is a big part of not feeling any joy in your relationship with him; whereas with miss p...her dates, subbyboy and now master are not causing you any grief.

Let's put it this way: Do you fear miss p ditching you for another woman? Do you fear Ginger ditching you for another woman? And when I say "ditch" I mean, the relationship is over, null and void. It's where my mind has been drifting to while reading you (your blog).

And, you are poly, yet it seems the life adjustment changes with the friend's suicide, the move, the unexpected curve balls thrown at you, just has not given you time to acclimate to your new world. and I can relate...and I don't even have anyone, really, outside of bassman. All these triggers, stressors, need for just extra self time but that only seems to happen when illness comes around. Which f'ing sucks the big teet!

It's like wild orchid's husband where I had to just say to him, via text, I no longer want to know any thing about you and I will be telling bassman I want zero knowledge of your issues with him seeing your wife. I got sucked into another's insecurity, which didn't help me at all with my own. Since that day I have been so much happier about all this poly stuff. And that might be what you need from Ginger...no more information about anyone unless it deals with safe sex issues. The honesty of telling you: "i had sex with x and we did use protection" or "i had sex with y we did not use protection".

Curious...before your move was Ginger actively seeking other girlfriends via okc but just never had a connection that moved beyond messaging there? I ask my curious question because if he had been, then his behavior is "same as it always was"...it (the dating or trying to date) just wasn't as in your face as it is now when...the "expectation" that by moving much closer you'd get more face time, more one on one time, not "same as it always has been". Now if this whole trying to date only started after the move....could inquire of him what inside him triggered this desire for more?

And as you know, even if we're adults, any time we're told "no", what do we do, we do what we were told "no". Is it possible you've somehow told Ginger that "no" and it's creating something within him that he now desires more than he had before you moved?

Hugs and I know you've been hurting and it's not going to magically resolve itself...your unhappiness....in one day or night but possibly take more time for yourself to find happiness within? I know I've needed that and I feel so much better on the path my life is heading...married, poly and single-trying to date single.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 04-27-2014 at 06:16 AM.
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  #33  
Old 04-27-2014, 07:35 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Even though he didnt see those 2 women more than a handful of times, he was IMing, Skpying and all that, daily.
Well, if he's doing that in front of you, then you have a right to ask that he put his phone down and give you his full attention. But somewhere you said you didn't realize he was still in touch with one of them (Mischa, I think) until he revealed that they were going to get together again, so I'm confused - does he blatantly do it when he's with you? And does the amount of texting and Skyping he does with anyone else get in the way of his communicating with you? Or is it just the knowledge (or assumption?) that he's in daily contact with several women that bothers you? He seems to like developing an online rapport with people before meeting, or without even needing to meet.
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  #34  
Old 04-27-2014, 08:14 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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After everything that's happened, it sounds like you're feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I don't follow the blogs so I'm not up on all the details, but in this thread I've read about some fairly major life changes and distressing events with your home. Those kinds of things are enough to put anyone off their game.

It sounds like you're really needing some self-care. I get the impression that a lot of your pain comes from the stories you're telling yourself. Change the stories and you change the feelings.

Personally, I define polysaturation from a "me" point of view. I'm polysaturated when I feel like I can't keep up with everyone, when I feel like I'm not meeting people's needs as much as I'd like to. Not necessarily when I'm not meeting people's needs as much as they'd like me to. Meeting their needs is a choice that I make, not a responsibility. Because fulfilling life and meeting needs brings me a sense of purpose and joy, it's a choice I readily make -- but I recognize it as a conscious choice, not my duty or obligation. Conversely, I accept it as a choice from others, and not a duty or obligation. Gifts given from a sense of obligation are no gifts at all.

All you can really do is express your needs and make requests to have those needs met in a particular way. It's up to him to choose his behaviour and to choose whether or not to grant those requests and meet those needs in that way. Perhaps in talking, you can find a different strategy to meet your needs. However, it's not clear to me what needs you have that aren't being met. You mentioned going through the NVC inventory together -- what did you come up with? My guess would be things under the connection and meaning categories (compassion, to matter, stability) -- does that fit?

When I look at my own needs as being my responsibility to fulfill, it changes my expectations of other people. I offer my needs as a gift, but if someone chooses not to receive them, then I take them back and find a different way to meet them, or maybe I let go of the attachment of having them met. At the end of the day, my needs are my own and nobody else's. As with anything else that I own, it is my responsibility to care for them, and nobody else's. If someone else chooses to care for my needs, then that's fantastic and we can have a great connection and offer more needs-gifts back and forth. If not, I accept that as a limitation of the relationship. If I can't live with that limitation, I look for a relationship that will offer that connection I seek.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
What should I do? I feel like I am at the mercy of his desires for her, and her husband's issues. My needs, desires and issues? Overlooked.
You're only at their mercy if you choose to give them that power over your emotions. You can choose to take back your power and let them do their thing, and interact only in ways that are healthy for you. It may mean that the depth of your relationship with Ginger changes, but I believe that no particular relationship is ever as important as taking care of your own self and being authentic.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 04-27-2014 at 09:03 AM.
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  #35  
Old 04-27-2014, 10:46 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Magdlyn, I feel you show great strength in asking for help. Many people who have been doing something for a while sometimes end up at a place where their ego prevents them from asking for help. I always find it impressive when people ask for help.
And I'm sure you are doing a massive amount of processing whilst you also listen to the help. Good for you chick !
Best wishes
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  #36  
Old 04-27-2014, 10:46 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Thanks again, everyone, for your words of wisdom. Too many good points to try and quote them here.

Ginger and I took yesterday afternoon and evening off from chatting online or meeting. Miss p was in Boston with her Master, so I had a window of perfect alone time. I was kinda depressed, but it was calm and I took care of myself.

He came by today for a few hours and it was all quite nice and loving. We didn't talk of the Issue at all. Just kind of loved each other up and did some gardening together, as far as our bad backs let us. Miss p came home too and we had lunch together.

I am going to go with the plan of getting out of the hurricane of his dating, just kinda side step it and let us enjoy each other's company. The truth is, his dating does not cut into our time. Normally we see each other every other day for several hours, and have overnights a couple times a month. He doesnt text others when we are together. He hates texting, says his fingers are too big. He brings his laptop when he comes overnight, but doesnt chat anyone on it, just uses it to check FB in the morning because he usually wakes before I do.

So, i am feeling much better, with a game plan, and more understanding of the whole complicated situation. What a great support group!
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Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Seeing Rick and Glori (MF partnered, both 33 and poly) since September 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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  #37  
Old 04-28-2014, 12:58 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Excellent!
Sounds like you have a plan and are taking some time for you also. Very good!

Don't be afraid to tweak little details in your plan as needed!
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  #38  
Old 04-28-2014, 05:53 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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This is good to read.
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  #39  
Old 04-28-2014, 11:21 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Schrodinger's Cat:
Quote:
You mentioned going through the NVC inventory together -- what did you come up with? My guess would be things under the connection and meaning categories (compassion, to matter, stability) -- does that fit?
From the needs list, the needs Ginger was no longer meeting for me with yet another new potential partner on his plate, were:

cooperation
communication
closeness
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
mutuality
respect
security
stability
to be understood
trust
joy
humor
peace/harmony
competence
to matter

However, he has needs for these (which he finds by pursuing other relationships):

acceptance
sexual expression
joy
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity
celebration of life
challenge
competence
discovery
growth
learning
self-expression
stimulation
inspiration

It's not that he is an out of control lecherous NRE junky, necessarily. Lust is there, but it's just a part of it. He really seems to like to get to know women, admire them, even worship the female deity within each, if you want to get spiritual about it.

I kept saying, with all these women coming through a sort of revolving door, I don't feel special. And he couldn't tell me I was special to him. Finally he did say I was important to him, and that fit for the kind of affirmation I needed.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Seeing Rick and Glori (MF partnered, both 33 and poly) since September 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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  #40  
Old 04-28-2014, 11:42 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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alibabe:
Quote:
Curious...before your move was Ginger actively seeking other girlfriends via okc but just never had a connection that moved beyond messaging there? I ask my curious question because if he had been, then his behavior is "same as it always was"...it (the dating or trying to date) just wasn't as in your face as it is now when...the "expectation" that by moving much closer you'd get more face time, more one on one time, not "same as it always has been". Now if this whole trying to date only started after the move....could inquire of him what inside him triggered this desire for more?
I wouldn't say he was seeking gfs in our first year together, but I didn't realize the extent of women he was enjoying chatting up, with no real goal than of just enjoying the chatting. Some would be close enough to meet someday, some were old gfs from out West, some are okc or Fetlife acquaintances as far away as Israel. Just so happened that in the past year, 3 of them were in a place to meet up with him. And now there's Carla, popping up in his favorite cultural group, seemingly available (but maybe not... time will tell).

It's not his fault I have somewhat lost my curiosity about delving into the personalities and sexualities of people other than my 2 sweeties. I just want to be a homebody right now, work on fixing up this new (but old) house and garden of ours, be more domestic and less slutty. :P I can be slutty enough with miss p and Ginger. I just want their company, to keep getting deeper with them, to explore and enlarge our gardens, go hiking, beaching, shopping, traveling, enjoy music and art, watch a movie, watch some Red Sox... and have great kinky sex, of course.

I don't want to be poly-fidelitous though! I would never make that commitment. It feels too constricting and marriage-like. I've had enough of marriage after 33 years of it.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Seeing Rick and Glori (MF partnered, both 33 and poly) since September 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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