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  #11  
Old 04-28-2014, 07:29 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Originally Posted by icesong View Post
I know on my side I can answer that from two separate perspectives - one is the "once a romantic relationship has evolved, the boundaries have changed in such a way that going BACK to friendship feels... wrong" perspective. I'm not a terribly open person, in many ways - certainly if y'all knew me at all in real life we would NOT be having this conversation. ;-) And the sharing of bodies and... hearts? made revealing things about myself seem like an ordinary thing to do - things that I would have never revealed in another context. Like a conversation we (HipsterBoy and I) had last night about parenthood and the challenges thereof - which I told TheKnight about later under the heading of "and that was a thing that I'd only ever discuss with two people in the world, you and HipsterBoy". So that's one version of "we can't be JUST friends if not dating".
Thank you for this clarification! It is interesting to learn how other people think about things. My own perspective is much like JaneQ's - to me the friendship is the core feature in my relationships, and I could easily think of being friends with my partners even if the romantic part would disappear. Guess I am more easy-going regarding *what* I reveal about myself.

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Originally Posted by icesong View Post
The other version is what happens when you take two people who would be, say, casual acquaintances - have fun together, have some amount of things in common, add "hormonal carbonation", to quote The PolyamorousMisanthrope, and enough time together and intensity to turn it into love while skipping the "dating" phase. That's pretty much what happened to Pink!Girl and TheKnight...and now they're trying to learn to be friends after the fact. Which is exactly as awkward as you would think.
This I do not understand at all, but that might be just me Anyhow, thanks for sharing!
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  #12  
Old 04-28-2014, 10:09 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Thank you for your perspective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by icesong View Post
I'm not a terribly open person, in many ways - certainly if y'all knew me at all in real life we would NOT be having this conversation. ;-) And the sharing of bodies and... hearts? made revealing things about myself seem like an ordinary thing to do - things that I would have never revealed in another context. Like a conversation we (HipsterBoy and I) had last night about parenthood and the challenges thereof - which I told TheKnight about later under the heading of "and that was a thing that I'd only ever discuss with two people in the world, you and HipsterBoy". So that's one version of "we can't be JUST friends if not dating".
Ah - I am a fairly private person myself. But, once I let someone close enough to actually consider them my friend, they are ALL the way in. So those are the sorts of things that I would reveal to my friends - if I didn't trust them enough to have those conversations I wouldn't consider them my friend. (So, that equals 8 people in the world - INCLUDING my partners.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by icesong View Post
The other version is what happens when you take two people who would be, say, casual acquaintances - have fun together, have some amount of things in common, add "hormonal carbonation", to quote The PolyamorousMisanthrope, and enough time together and intensity to turn it into love while skipping the "dating" phase. That's pretty much what happened to Pink!Girl and TheKnight...and now they're trying to learn to be friends after the fact. Which is exactly as awkward as you would think.
Hmm...I don't really interact much with "casual acquaintances" - certainly would never spend enough time with them to "turn it into love". If I had the hots for a casual acquaintance then I would proposition them for NSA sex (i.e. fuckbuddy in my post above) and wouldn't be particularly interested in hanging out with them otherwise.

(As an introvert I don't really "get" spending time with anyone other than my "inner circle" - it's just too exhausting. I don't really like many people, so when I DO like them, chances are we hit it off right off the bat and rapidly become friends.)

All different styles...
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-28-2014 at 10:11 PM.
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  #13  
Old 04-29-2014, 02:54 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I'm a little late to the discussion, but I'm glad that you have accepted that despite the inexplicable change in your relationship, HipsterBoy has set limits that you want to honor.

Trust me, I know what it is like to see something that you think no one else sees in terms of relationships. "It doesn't have to be this way! There's no good reason why we can't go back to how things were!" Life is cruel and unfair sometimes and despite the ability to imagine what would happen if certain life events hadn't occurred, those events did occur and can't necessarily be bargained back. It's a hard lesson, but you get that.

It's also hard to realize that while someone might want to discuss an issue, it's not necessarily because they want to achieve the same end result. A lot of times, especially if they do care about you (whether it's romantic/erotic love or friendship love) they'll try to discuss things with the idea of letting you down easier or simply trading time talking to be nice, but not with any chance of changing their mind. It's counter-intuitive, but sometimes people don't always want to do things for the reasons they hint they do. It's not lying so much as well-intentioned adjustment.

I'm also right there with you on the "we went too far too quickly, and I can't see us going back" idea. Some might consider it pouting or selfishness, but I don't. I've been there. Yes friendship is the basis for a long, healthy romantic relationship. Yes, I get the logic of "if you wanted them for a lover, surely you'd like to have them as a friend." Bu it doesn't work that way for everyone. Sometimes it can be like re-opening a wound every time you attempt that friendship. Or it can just be too awkward, because you don't want to be perceived as needy or attempting to re-establish the romance, with interactions that inevitably come up. (Say invitations out to things or giving advice about their new relationships.) Sure, friends should be able to talk through these things, but in reality it can become unwieldy and cumbersome to the friendship. Sometimes you can't just go back to being friends.
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  #14  
Old 04-30-2014, 04:43 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
Sometimes it can be like re-opening a wound every time you attempt that friendship.
Yeah. Doesn't help when Clueless HipsterBoy says things out of habit or something that, in past context, are ridiculously flirtatious. ::rolls eyes::
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  #15  
Old 05-08-2014, 02:46 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Red face Guess my instincts weren't *entirely* off.

So after a couple weeks of weeks of awkwardness and sadness and forced distance, HipsterBoy and I finally sat down and talked last night. And while we aren't and won't be what we were, at one point, that's ok - I needed those brain cells back anyway.

What we *are*, though, is somewhere in a grey area of definitely more than friends. How that's going to work is something neither of us know, but at least it's something...

P.S. Thanks for getting me to slow down about things back when I first posted this - I think that did help with us getting to this place.
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