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  #21  
Old 05-01-2014, 07:08 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
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Default The Professor

The Professor

Here’s a tale of detachment, communication, and poly success. Gather ‘round, there is also mention of blowjobs made herein.
After the implosion of the Triad of Doom and Despair I went a-looking for a casual partner to see occasionally. I got onto OKC with the hopes of finding someone to distract from the nightmare in my heart, and from schoolwork as well. I approached an interesting character, a married fellow whose wife also had a profile. He agreed to meet me!

The Professor worked in the building across the street from my own faculty; it was very convenient. I met his wife on our second meeting, which was awkward because all three of us have talents for creating awkwardness. But it was not a dealbreaker, this awkwardness, and soon enough the Professor and I were seeing each other on Wednesday evenings. We’d have dinner out or he’d cook for me, we’d play a card game or watch a bit of opera (our two activities in common). And we’d sleep together. Often I slept over at his place but sometimes we met during the day for lunch and bjs. His wife had a serious partner with whom she spent Wednesdays and some weekend evenings, which is how he had time for a partner like myself.

From the beginning I knew his rule that there would be no emotional connections made, or rather, he didn’t want to get romantically involved. The guy is seriously in love with his wife and probably not emotionally poly. When I found out that her SO is a romantic partner, I was surprised, but their dynamic really worked for them. And me! The Professor was a fun distraction, and although he was pretty bad in bed, I found it amusing to blow him. He was intimidatingly intelligent, and his wife was too, so being around them challenged me to think critically. She was a professor as well. They propositioned me for a threesome once but it—the proposition—was too awkward and I declined.

It was good to have a detached sexual friendship with a regular schedule. It was a definitive sign that poly can work in marriages, and that I can do poly honestly and openly and with integrity. I also confirmed to myself that I like poly and what it can do for me: I can make the kind of relationship I need for myself. I needed someone to take me out of my head and encourage me to be myself and I actualized that shit. Success!

Mistakes: 0. Sweet!

Last edited by AlbertaRaven; 05-01-2014 at 07:34 PM. Reason: grammar
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  #22  
Old 05-01-2014, 07:16 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
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Default Professor Follow-up

We have kept (loosely) in touch, texting here and again. He says he's a bit bored out there; the dating scene hasn't yet turned up what he wants/needs. That is to say, someone to fill my detached, cool-with-causal-sex shoes. We were a good fit for each other. But if we still lived in the same city I don't know that I'd continue seeing him. Towards the end of my tenure over there on the coast I was starting to feel the desire for an emotional connection. I was starting to feel a little unfulfilled. So at the least I would have had to look for another partner.

Haha I'm imagining having James and the Professor as partners at the same time. It would totally work, time-wise! But sex-wise...that would be two partners who are relatively unskilled and with whom I'd have to work on sex improvement. Sounds like too much work for a lazy girl.

Holy cow first world poly problems.
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  #23  
Old 05-01-2014, 07:33 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
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Default Multitude of Posts

I pre-wrote a lot of posts because I was trying to get stuff off my chest. Plus I've had time at work to do so, being away from my normal office for a month. But I'm going back on Monday and I'll have a bunch of catch-up to do. I don't know that I'll have as much time anymore to be reading and writing on the forums, which is why I'm posting lots today!

James has been texting me today to send me text kisses and also vent a bit about the ex. She is really smart and educated, but some things seem beyond logic for her. For example, she's an early child educator but thinks it's okay to tell the three-year-old that his daddy is a bad daddy. Not cool, eh? Poor James. This has been going on for a few weeks and he's pretty choked. To deal with it, James has been responding to Alex by saying "that's what mommy said? what do you think?" and Alex will go "I think you're a good daddy". Luckily the kid is so smart that he recognizes that some things mommy says are not true. Poor kid, to have to deal with that nonsense.

I helped James fill in the court forms to ask for a parenting order. It's neat to be able to help friends with my new practical legal knowledge! Also makes me really miss being in court. I'm so glad to be going back to my regular office because I get to go to court a few times a week! Hooray!

I think I think about James' problems more than my own. I do need to file my dang taxes but I prefer to help James with paperwork...might be a bit of procrastination happening there.

And speaking of procrastination, back to work I go!
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  #24  
Old 05-01-2014, 09:15 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Thanks for those new posts; I am following them with interest and rooting for you, Elemental, James, Alex, and the others on your team.

Re (from JaneQSmythe):
[QUOTE]"Cinder is Elemental's ex."

Thanks Jane!
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  #25  
Old 05-04-2014, 06:37 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
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Default Some issues I've got

Iím not perfect, obviously, and I want to write about the issues I am having. I have short-term problems with day-to-day life, and long-term problems with bad behavioral habits.

I spend too much money on booze, and I drink too much. ďToo muchĒ means every day, usually more than one a day. It also means getting drunk usually once a week. Hangovers happen about every 6 weeks and I embarrass myself when drinking about once every 8 weeks. James is a user, too, and we are bad influences on each other in this way.

I do cause myself some anxiety because I donít have a firm handle on my spending habits, although this is a zillion times better since I started making an income instead of living off of student loans.

I still procrastinate on occasion, although this habit was largely taken care of at school. When I procrastinate I feel guilty or anxious. This affects me once a month or so.

I have a bad body image. I feel quite anxious when I donít exercise at least once a week. I try to eat well and am usually good at that. I always have a goal to work out three times a week. This body image thing is not helped by the fact that I can justify it because both of my parents are overweight, and because eating right and exercising is good. I need to learn to separate exercise and eating healthy from my body image. I feel fat all the time but I am not overweight even a little, and objectively am quite healthy (apart from the drinking). Elemental and Cinder being so fit and calling me on my (healthy amount) of tummy chub really set me back on my positive thinking.

Iím arrogant sometimes and judgmental. Iím getting slowly better but sometimes my friends have to call me on it. I make fun of strangers sometimes. Itís mean and I donít like it. I sometimes have a hard time relating to people who seem to have opportunities to grow and changed their circumstances, but donít. I forget that almost no one is as lucky as I am, having known my career path since age 12 and being confident in that and in my life choices. See? Even this paragraph is arrogant! JeezÖ

I smoke sometimes still. I donít want to quit!

I get bored with people and donít put effort into engaging many people. Most times my friends approach me to hang. Iím kind of a selfish friend, not putting myself out there to hang with them. Iím making an effort to change but I tend to prioritize my own comfort maybe too much. I just want to do what I want to do and have my friends be there when I want them, but thatís not how friends work! Get with the program, Raven.

I want to be more engaged with the outside world and less engaged with screens. Too much screen time is a bad habit of mine. I spend an average two hours a day, outside of work, on my phone or watching tv on my netbook. Or lately, playing video games. Thatís too much because I have other projects I want to do. I feel guilty or anxious because I am not working on my personal projects as much as I feel like I should, and am watching screens instead.

The problems I create in relationships usuallyóor maybe always?óstem from the judgmental thing, being impatient with partnersí failings and differences. James and I havenít had arguments but I was frustrated with him a while back because I was impatient with how he was not being proactive about making positive change (in my limited perspective). I had to talk with him about it and he was so cool and patient with me, my negative feelings disappeared after that. But I do want to get rid of the source of those feelings: my judgmental thoughts and habits.

I think thatís about it. That took a bit of brain-wracking because I donít obsess over this stuff. But I wanted it here to round out my blog a bit and also to get suggestions on how to improve!
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  #26  
Old 05-04-2014, 07:27 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It is good of you to confess whatever imperfections you're aware of. Heh, if I tried to do likewise, it'd take ten posts and be much more embarrassing!

My first thought is that it'd be good for you to pick one imperfection to work on during any given month. Set a goal for where you'd like to be with that imperfection by the end of the month, then, have at it. Make sure it's a goal you can realistically meet, and don't beat yourself up if you fall short at the end of the month. Pick a different imperfection to work on the next month and let the other one go for awhile. And make an effort to just work on one imperfection at a time! Trying to tackle them all at once will only drive you batty.

And make sure it's a real imperfection before you work on it. Some of the things you described are honestly (IMO) just personality traits and don't necessarily need changing. It's okay to be you! Like if you're a little introverted for example, that's no big deal, the world needs us introverts.

Those are some thoughts to get you started, I suppose.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #27  
Old 05-04-2014, 11:29 PM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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Hi, Raven. I'm enjoying your posts and (what I think is) your lightheartedness. At the same time, you seem pretty objective about yourself; seem pretty sure about what you like and don't care so much for, and you're cool putting it out there. Kudos It's good for me to read your stuff.

Peace
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  #28  
Old 05-07-2014, 06:13 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
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Default Thanks!

Thanks Kevin and BlackMagicBlonde!

My normal way of changing habits and behaviors is to try and work on them one at a time, so I'll keep doing that.

And thanks for the positive feedback guys, it's cool that people are reading this and not thinking I'm a total butthead.
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  #29  
Old 05-07-2014, 06:16 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
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Last night I put my new plan of increasing intimacy with James into action. I might not have, though, had he done the usual tucking in of just sitting on the edge of my bed for a few minutes and kissing me a thousand times before taking off. No, last night he got in for a cuddle so I had to take the opportunity to give him head. I was really tired but, like I knew it would be, it was worth it. I love to make him feel good. I consider our relationship like a vacation for him because his life situation is so damn shit so often. What is it for me? I guess itís poly practice, a friendship that I hope will last, an exercise in non-commitment and selflessness. And fun, obviously.

Jamesí situation is bleak, as Iíve mentioned. Heís been separated for about 9 months. He was with his ex, Jace for about 10 years and married for 6. He stayed with her because of the kid, but when he came to the realization that the kid was being damaged by their fighting, he left. Their finances are ridiculous and heís spent a lot of time trying to disentangle himself. Because of little surprises he keeps getting (Surprise! I got a bunch of speeding tickets in your van and didnít tell you!) he hasnít been able to move away from his parentsí place. This is a very lame thing but at least his parents are cool about it. Theyíre helping him save to move.

His job situation is also kinda sucky. He loves working at the library and teaching guitar to kids but neither pay enough or give enough hours. He wants to reset his career but canít decide whether to go for something that will pay, or something that will make him happy. And if he takes the happy route, which of several potential careers should he start? Heís been thinking about it lots.

SIDEBAR--Watching my brother separate with a kid, and hearing about Elementalís separation and divorce, and Jamesí situation all make me never want to legally commit to someone. Or have a kid. I know itís sad, but right now I wouldnít trust anyone enough to do those things. Not that I want a kid, but if I got knocked up by accident or something--SIDEBAR OVER

James and I started seeing each other right after he left Jace. There was no overlap but heíd been around my house a couple times at parties, being a long-time friend of my then-roommate. I could tell he had his eyeball on me but when I heard he was married I wrote him off as a potential lover (I was cruising for lovers at the time). The day after he split with Jace, however, he came right over to see me. Iím no fool, the guy is having a major rebound. But I still think that itís healthy because of our depth and ease of communication. I certainly wouldnít ask for a boyfriend-girlfriend-type thing of him, nor would I say yes if he asked for one. I think people coming out of major relationships, especially emotionally abusive ones, need time to decompress. James is only just beginning to decompress.

He was emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused in his relationship. It makes meÖangry. I have been emotionally abused by a lady and know a couple other men who were emotionally abused by ladies. I no longer trust ladies to be reasonable and nice, like I did before. I guess my trust has been seriously eroded by the Triad of Doom and Despair, as well as watching these men suffer at the hands of women. How awful is that? Luckily I do have many good examples in my life, lady friends who are emotionally stable and kind. Iíll have to remind myself to think of them when I get angry at abusive women.

And back to James: when I was feeling impatient with him a few months ago, it was because he wasnít making visible, positive change. I was wrong to judge the poor fellow, and I put myself back in my place after talking to him and another pal, who told me I was being a dope. Luckily that period didnít last more than a couple weeks, and, awesomely, revived my NRE (which is still happening!). Anyway, at that time I told myself that a person coming away from a marriage like that needs at least a year to get back on their feet. Elementalís impressive successócondo-buying, healthy datingómust be outside the norm.

Hereís a question: I might lose respect for a dude who couldnít pull it together after a year. Is that too judgmental? I think James is fantastic but I also donít want to bring unmotivated people into my life. I want people around me who uplift me and spur me on to higher successes. I donít want people who, because I feel more ďsuccessfulĒ than them, donít encourage me to keep growing. Is that fair?

The question itself is kind of silly because we havenít gotten there yet; Iím speculating about something that might not happen. Still, though. I think about it once in a while because at the moment the friendship is of the second kind I wrote of in the last paragraph: Iím not really motivated by it.

The black-and-white core of this situation is that Iím going to be a lawyer in a few months and heís a struggling musician living in his parentsí basement. It matters, not because heís not intelligent, but because Iím complacent around him, having already achieved more according to social standards. I guess that means I accept social standards of success. Can I change? How can I change my way of thinking so that each human I meet isnít rated on this impossible scale created by society? James is awesome! I donít want to lose respect for him just because heís in a different life situation.

Holy cow that was a lot more than I expected to write just now.
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  #30  
Old 05-07-2014, 07:11 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlbertaRaven View Post
The black-and-white core of this situation is that Iím going to be a lawyer in a few months and heís a struggling musician living in his parentsí basement. It matters, not because heís not intelligent, but because Iím complacent around him, having already achieved more according to social standards. I guess that means I accept social standards of success. Can I change? How can I change my way of thinking so that each human I meet isnít rated on this impossible scale created by society? James is awesome! I donít want to lose respect for him just because heís in a different life situation.

Holy cow that was a lot more than I expected to write just now.
Well Bassman is a musician/chef and I'm an accountant (don't want my CPA though) and I never thought about not being able to achieve goals by marrying someone that had different career choices then me. Love is love but I do get you're not "in love" with James, so a bit different situation. I wouldn't write him off either...you are poly and can love him for even his struggling musician life too.
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