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  #21  
Old 04-24-2014, 11:39 PM
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I would need a partner of mine to respect that and to see that "blackout" dates imply that the rest of my life is somehow secondary to their wants and needs.
Most posters, from what I have gathered, are in favor of making this sacrifice in observance of your [OP] partners wishes. In my opinion this insists two things, 1) that you view the idea of sacrifice for your partners comfort to be a noble virtue and 2) that you view everything outside of your partner to be of secondary importance.

I find it rather telling when one partner asks another partner to sacrifice in this manner (VETO or blackout) to suit their preference. It pretty clearly demonstrates that they find their partners lives to be of secondary concern to the "real" relationship. The issue of current or possible relationships is irrelevant imo; it is the fundamental request that says it all. "My insecurities are more important than your living a genuine life"

Honestly, hearing my partner ask me to lock down an aspect of my life because they are going to be busy for a couple of months would launch me into a very explicit conversation with them about their expectations of my behavior (and how much input they believe they have). Unless I hear something really surprising (I can't imagine what that would be) my answer is unequivocally going to be "No, under no circumstances am I going to sacrifice pieces of my life because they make you nervous". But everyone has to make that choice for themselves.

Life gets busy, it gets difficult... is there going to be a new blackout when he gets into his next level of study? What about when he gets his job? What happens when his parents move to town for a few months? Life is tough, asking other people to take care of your feelings for you is not helping anyone. I expect his being busy with studies is a fine excuse to veto your being poly and will search for a new reason once this has passed.

Also, I don't think it's relevant to compare this to a medical condition because one is choice while the other isn't. While I still am against setting rules for other peoples behavior when I'm in a spot of trouble... I do think the gravity of the situation changes the nature of the conversation.

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Originally Posted by graviton View Post
That's just it I don't believe he accepts the fact that she is poly. He is in the process of trying to but he is not there yet.
Truly, marriage sounds like a hilariously bad idea at the moment. Not that I will marry for any reason... but I sure as hell would hit the pause button on this one.
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  #22  
Old 04-24-2014, 11:48 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Also, I don't think it's relevant to compare this to a medical condition because one is choice while the other isn't.
So, in your mind, it would be more acceptable for him to choose a less demanding career path (which means the time, energy, and money spent on all his medical education would be wasted) or choose to delay taking the exam (which could cost him dearly in terms of job opportunity and general retention for exam prep) so that he has the energy and focus to work through the growing pains of opening a relationship?

They aren't relationship anarchists. They didn't start out open or poly. He had the expectation of monogamy for over FIVE YEARS and expected them to work as a unit to get through things in life. Just taking that step is a lot of work for anyone, especially those with monogamous leanings.

OP- I 100% agree that asking you to stop seeing someone you care about is a big deal. So, if you honestly care for this guy you've been seeing, refusing the request but agreeing to limiting the time you spend with someone else is completely valid IMO. If, however, you're only refusing because you want to keep pushing the relationship open and play the field... That still feels disrespectful to me.
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  #23  
Old 04-25-2014, 12:11 AM
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So, in your mind, it would be more acceptable for him to choose a less demanding career path (which means the time, energy, and money spent on all his medical education would be wasted) or choose to delay taking the exam (which could cost him dearly in terms of job opportunity and general retention for exam prep) so that he has the energy and focus to work through the growing pains of opening a relationship?
Absolutely! By asking someone else to sacrifice *instead* of him, he is clearly demonstrated that a change needs to be made because he simply can't keep up. If he can't keep up then I find it much more appropriate for him to alter his life accordingly since he is the one with the issue.

Why would it make more sense for his partner to do this for him?

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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
They aren't relationship anarchists. They didn't start out open or poly. He had the expectation of monogamy for over FIVE YEARS and expected them to work as a unit to get through things in life. Just taking that step is a lot of work for anyone, especially those with monogamous leanings.
Sounds like life is changing and his expectations might no longer be appropriate. He needs to figure out a way to adjust to suit reality instead of trying to get reality to suit his reluctance. One doesn't have to be a relationship anarchist to recognize that they are responsible for their own maturity and emotional limitations.
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  #24  
Old 04-25-2014, 12:19 AM
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Sounds like life is changing and his expectations might no longer be appropriate.
To clarify further, this could be said for the OP as well. The OP used to be mono (I presume), has changed their worldview regarding romantic relationships, but finds herself in a position which is not accepting of her new values. So, she can complain that the fiance isn't being reasonable according to her standards, but what she needs to be looking at is whether her expectations are appropriate for her world. She should look at her own emotions and decisions and act according to what is healthy and likely to foster the most flourishing.

Hopefully that doesn't involve a state sanctioned life contract during this bout of emotional crisis.
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  #25  
Old 04-25-2014, 12:29 AM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Graviton hit it right on the head. Your fiance has probably had to put a lot of time into his studies to even do well enough to be able to seriously take the med board exams. Then, six months ago as he is coming down the home stretch, you go poly on him, and your own statements say each time you go out with other men it is very stressful for him, stress he needs like a hole in the head right now. He obviously wants no part of it but fortunately for him he is staying focused on the goal. A goal by the way that if you do wind up with him will provide you with comforts in life that most people will never see. Are you in as potentially lucrative career field???

So if he becomes a doctor and gets called out in the middle of the night, are you going to refuse to come home from or go out on a date because your new boyfriend might dump you. Or if you have kids are you going to tell him he has to ignore the call in to the hospital because you have an important date.

Graviton said it right. I'd place money that you two never see the alter, and Marcus also had it right, the talk of marraige between you two is more than hilarious at this point. He will have no problem finding a woman who is able to put her hormones on hold for a few weeks if necessary to assist him in succeeding in achieving a goal he has spent countless hours pursuing. And i doubt if he'll want to be explaining to his collegues and business associates in that profession that you are not at events with him because you are out on dates.

You are certainly entitled to be free to do whatever you want to do. If i was your fiance and you expressed the attitude you have now, i would ask you where you 3 month boyfriend lives so i could ship your belongings there.
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  #26  
Old 04-25-2014, 12:30 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Absolutely! By asking someone else to sacrifice *instead* of him, he is clearly demonstrated that a change needs to be made because he simply can't keep up. If he can't keep up then I find it much more appropriate for him to alter his life accordingly since he is the one with the issue.

Why would it make more sense for his partner to do this for him?
Because her sacrifice would be temporary. His would be life-long. That makes more sense to me. Personally, I think part of a loving relationship is making your partner's life better in the process. If I'm adding to the stress more than I am adding pleasure, then that relationship is failing and I am not being loving. If I have someone in my life who insists we live our lives completely independently with little to no regard for how our actions affect the other? Well, they wouldn't be in my life anymore, because who needs that shit?
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  #27  
Old 04-25-2014, 12:33 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Hopefully that doesn't involve a state sanctioned life contract during this bout of emotional crisis.

I wonder that myself. Were I either of them, I'd strongly distrust the potential outcome of legal joining. Their trajectories are rather different, and based on her posts I don't think she grasps the importance he places on his future career. Very, very different world views = trouble ahead.
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  #28  
Old 04-25-2014, 12:49 AM
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
If I have someone in my life who insists we live our lives completely independently with little to no regard for how our actions affect the other? Well, they wouldn't be in my life anymore, because who needs that shit?
I don't know who is saying that, but it certainly isn't my intention to draw that kind of reductionist picture. I am simply stating that there is a line which I personally "don't need that shit" as you put it. There is a difference between being compassionate, conscientious, and courteous ... and sacrificing living in action to someone elses insecurities. Unless I have been entirely unclear I'm sure you can tell which I condone and which find repulsive to my worldview.

The OP will have to figure out what her priorities are and act accordingly (as should the fiance, though he's apparently left it up to her to take care of it for him).
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  #29  
Old 04-25-2014, 12:53 AM
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I wonder that myself. Were I either of them, I'd strongly distrust the potential outcome of legal joining. Their trajectories are rather different, and based on her posts I don't think she grasps the importance he places on his future career. Very, very different world views = trouble ahead.
Right?? It's not like there is nothing but doom and gloom ahead for them but the deck is stacked against them right now. Getting tangled up in a contract with this kind of uncertainty would seem ill advised, and that's not even getting into the pressure the marriage and then contract will apply to the association.
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  #30  
Old 04-25-2014, 01:17 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I guess I don't see refraining from dating as "not living." There are a lot of other things I can do with my time and energy.
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