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  #11  
Old 04-24-2014, 01:21 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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I think a better question is why are the two of you getting married? If this kind of thing were happening during my engagement and I were him I would seriously rethink getting legally tied to you. I work with doctors every day and they are some of the most conservative and prideful people I know. I find it astounding that he is willing to marry a poly girl let alone one that doesn't want to help him in his career goals at the expense of her fun time with her new boy friend. I will truly be amazed if the two of you make it down the altar. I'm not speaking ill of you but rather astounded at what an odd couple the two of you seem to make.
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  #12  
Old 04-24-2014, 01:26 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I don't necessarily think that it is petty but if this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MelinaJ View Post
...Basically, Dan will be preparing for the MD exam and has asked me not to go out with other men during a 2 month period while he is studying for the exam 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week.
- is what he requires for this particular stage of his career , you have to ask yourself if you, and he, are really prepared for the next stages after that. This is certainly not the LAST hurdle?
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  #13  
Old 04-24-2014, 03:20 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
This is certainly not the LAST hurdle?
NO KIDDING!
I KNOW we weren't planning for me to take a fall from a horse that resulted in years of disibility and limited ability to take care of my obligations in our relationship or the ensuing surgeries and need for one on one care 24/7....

Months go by when i can't manage a "date" with EITHER of my men. When we see each other only in passing-even though we live together, because we have responsibilities that get in the way.

And that is with NONE of us working in a profession (like medical care) that could require emergency runs in the middle of the night to the hospital etc.......

Like I said before, 2 months seems like forever when you compare it to 2 days. But when you consider it in terms of the WHOLE PICTURE-it's a drop in the bucket.

If I was dating someone and they couldn't keep busy for 2 months while I dealt with shit-they wouldn't have to move on-they would already be left behind.....
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  #14  
Old 04-24-2014, 03:56 AM
Eclipse Eclipse is offline
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I am in agreement with basically everyone else here. I do not think that 3 months is the end of the world. His reasoning behind wanting you to do as he asks is sound and reasonable. Now... just to clarify, I wouldn't find it reasonable to put any current relationships on hiatus for that long, but the one relationship that you are in doesn't seem to be anything amazing. It DOES sound like the two of you have some things to talk about, though.
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  #15  
Old 04-24-2014, 04:08 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
If I was dating someone and they couldn't keep busy for 2 months while I dealt with shit-they wouldn't have to move on-they would already be left behind.....
I disagree, politely, but disagree. Of course I could keep myself busy for two months. That doesn't mean I'm still available for them when they decide they're ready for me again.....

I'm hardly going to put my life on hold for two months.
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  #16  
Old 04-24-2014, 05:29 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I could guess wrong here. But to me you seem to have many things going on at once.

GENERAL
  • anxiety management

ENGAGED TO DAN THINGS
  • Enaged to Seriously Consider Marriage to this man
    • Which includes considering "Life with a medico" (which is a stressy career path)
  • Recently opened to Polyshipping with Dan 6mos ago
    • Includes coping with Polydating affecting home time management/responsibilities (ex: house chores)
    • Includes how polyshipping will fit within the context of a marriage
    • Includes learning to "do" poly with him and still forming agreements

HINGE PROBLEMS
  • Possible break up with Joe stress
    • Not leaking my anxiety about that on to Dan
  • Time Management as a hinge with 2 sweeties
    • In daily living: schedule problems and finding balance so everyone gets enough care and attention (included me on my own)
    • Yearly Living and Other people (ex: holiday schedules, vacations)

Having them all pile on seems to be stressing you out and making it hard to deal with one thing at a time. Do I guess wrong?

Quote:
The 2 month hiatus will amount to almost a 3 month hiatus because after the 2 month "study period" we will be across the country on vacation for 3 weeks.
What is "hiatus" here anyway? Zero contact? Email, text, phone contact? WHAT?

Try to relax, enjoy getting to know Joe, but don't change your whole life around for a dude you've only been dating for 3 mos either. Enjoy the getting to know you time. It's ok to TAKE TIME. There's email, phone visits, etc. Long Distance relationships do it all the time. What else do military spouses do when solider person is off on tour? You can handle this. It will be fine. If Joe falls to pieces at the first challenge in the relationship when it's something so small -- better you find out he's a flimsy flier now than when you have invested more in it.

3 mos is not all that long or different from 2 mos to me. I can appreciate it seems long to you.

If this is going to be a problem for you, think twice about marrying a medico.

People who are really independent and need less "togetherness" -- those might do well partnered to a medico whose career sucks up a lot of time. Long hours and double shifts and sudden on call emergencies and such. People who enjoy doing things together a lot -- might not do well with a medico because they might feel more lonely or miss the "togetherness" more. Neither is right or wrong, but it IS a thing to think about personality wise. Do you and Dan's personalities fit here?

Because Dan represents the older relationship at 6 years and seems "solid" and Joe reprensents the new thing at 3 mos? I could see where you are anxious/fearful to secure it and stabilize it. But don't get so caught up in it or rushing it that you end up creating poly hell on the (you + Dan) layer by ignoring or neglecting tending to that relationship.

It's also ok to tell Dan -- "I won't see new people so it doesn't stress you out. I plan to keep seeing Joe though, since he's already in the mix."

Let him digest that. That's part of the reality of having agreed to polydate here -- you actually have a newish BF named Joe and he's not a coat you can hang in the closet and take out once in a while.

Quote:
Also, I have agreed to refraining from starting any new relationships or new dates but currently I am seeing someone Joe (though that maybe ending soon). Assuming me and Joe remain together we would have been dating for about 3 months and I think it would be wrong for me to say can we hit "pause" for almost 3 months. I did ask Dan to simply let me compromise by just seeing Joe once per month in that study period but he objects to that.
Need more data. What's his objection? Because Joe is in your house playing Wii with you and that dancing around distracts his study? Fair enough. Could you see Joe out of the house then?

Need more data -- what's up with you evaluating things as "wrong?" It's not wrong to ASK Joe things. It's just what is needed at this time. No more "right" or "wrong" than things like
  • I need to pee now
  • I need to eat now
  • I need to go to work now
  • I need to go to sleep now.
  • I need to be on a different schedule for 2-3 months that is more mindful of Dan's study time now

And you are not a mind reader so you have to ASK Joe if he's willing to work out calendar things with you or not. What is it about being asked or doing the asking that unnerves you?
Are you good at negotiation?
Are you able to say "I will not do X. I will do Y" in a clear way to people?
Do you confuse "assertive" with "aggressive?"

Quote:
I do have emotional support from other friends and family. I suppose part of my concern is that he will then want other blackout dates: the holidays, starting a new job.
This is a problem HOW? This baffles me.

So Dan will sometimes have things come up and need new discussion/negotiation. YOU might want some yourself. Maybe your career has something. If Dan starts to polydate -- negotiating making space for that. If you guys want a pregnancy -- negotiating making space for that. Or JOE might have stuff going on in his life and need to negotiate to make space for that.

This is just part of living -- stuff happens sometimes requiring time and attention. People participating in a polyship may have to be willing to shuffle around, take turns, be willing to help out one of the other people, etc -- for sake of peaceful polyshipping, building up trust and goodwill.

Quote:
After reading the responses, I am definitely in need of being more compassionate and need to consider his perspective a bit more and look at some of the suggestions you all made.
Glad to hear you are open to other POVs.

Have you both taken or plan to take "prep for marriage classes" at your local county extension office? Place of worship? Online? Elsewhere? Even without the poly angle to it stuff like "where will we spend out holidays?" or "how do we spend our money" or "sex" or "division of labor/chores" often comes into play. You guys could talk this over to make sure you are in agreement before making a larger commitment like marriage.

Holidays -- With his family of origin? Yours? Neither? Both? Adding "GF/BF" in the "family math" or "poly math" really isn't all that different. Will you spend some holidays with Joe? His family? Stuff needing talking about doesn't have to be horrible. Just needs to be sorted out.

I don't know why you are calling it "black out" dates. It seems to raise your hackles. You could call it "time management" or "syncing calendars" because that's what it is.
  • Each of you (Dan, You, Joe) will need time ALONE to do your stuff.
  • Each couple will need time alone (Dan + You), (You + Joe)
  • Occasionally the trio might even need to talk about calendar together or relationship management issues or agreements (You, Dan, Joe)

Setting time aside for each of those on the calendar is making time for those. It is not a "black out" of everyone else like they are less worthy or something. It isn't like they won't get their turn. It's tending to each mini relationship within so the OVERALL polyship can be well. Because all the mini relationships inside it are doing ok.

Just some ideas -- I don't know if any of that helps. I do strongly suggest a LONG engagement period to give you both time to seriously consider and prepare for major changes -- marriage is one. Polyshipping is another. Don't rush either. There's no fire. Better to talk and try on agreements and decide "Nope, not for me" and end the engagement to consider marriage and/or the engagement to consider polyshipping. That is successful engagement -- to seriously think and try and decide something.

Way better than failing to Engage seriously or not long enough and rushing it -- and heading into a marriage all wobbly.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-24-2014 at 01:03 PM.
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  #17  
Old 04-24-2014, 08:20 AM
rabbit rabbit is offline
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I remember telling my ex-GF when we were going through a rough time "If you're going to break up with me, just don't do it in the few weeks before boards." (she didn't)

While I took the veterinary-doctor boards not the human-doctor ones, I cannot even start to explain how stressful they were and how they were my only focus for well over two months beforehand. I imagine it is even worse for human-doctors who have their whole residency/fellowship/career determined by how well they do on boards, whereas we just have to pass one boards toward the end of school.

Not sure which of the "Step" exams your fiance is taking - if it is one of the earlier ones, be aware that there will be more, or if it is one of the later ones - what coping strategies did you use to get through those previous studying periods?
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  #18  
Old 04-24-2014, 05:27 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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I don't get why this is bothering the OP, in all honesty. You're going to be a doctor's wife, you'll reap the benefits of his success not just by being there for him at his time of need but through out all those times. My sis-in-law married a doc. She worked and raised their 3 girls while doing all of this. Now she (they) own two homes, plays golf daily, has about 300 shoes in her closet etc. She sacrificed (not poly very mono) a lot of her time for him. She'd never change that to not help her husband be a success.

If you don't feel supportive now, will you be able to later on in this relationship?
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  #19  
Old 04-24-2014, 06:29 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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I understand the OP. I mean, I may or may not. But I can see why she might be concerned. To me, if you accept me as poly, you don't put a "stop" to that at any time. Anymore than you could tell me to quit my job for a month. Or stop seeing my friends for a month.

I, and I'm sure the OP, would be willing to put extra time into a relationship. But you can't ask me to just ignore a relationship, any relationship, for more than a day.

Being poly to me isn't about having extra fun, or filling in a "slot." It's about developing connections, romantically if so inclined, with another. I would need a partner of mine to respect that and to see that "blackout" dates imply that the rest of my life is somehow secondary to their wants and needs. I couldn't completely ignore a new partner. It doesn't mean that the OP's fiance isn't important; simply that she doesn't want to put everything else on hold.
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  #20  
Old 04-24-2014, 09:44 PM
graviton graviton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I understand the OP. I mean, I may or may not. But I can see why she might be concerned. To me, if you accept me as poly, you don't put a "stop" to that at any time. Anymore than you could tell me to quit my job for a month. Or stop seeing my friends for a month.

I, and I'm sure the OP, would be willing to put extra time into a relationship. But you can't ask me to just ignore a relationship, any relationship, for more than a day.

Being poly to me isn't about having extra fun, or filling in a "slot." It's about developing connections, romantically if so inclined, with another. I would need a partner of mine to respect that and to see that "blackout" dates imply that the rest of my life is somehow secondary to their wants and needs. I couldn't completely ignore a new partner. It doesn't mean that the OP's fiance isn't important; simply that she doesn't want to put everything else on hold.
That's just it I don't believe he accepts the fact that she is poly. He is in the process of trying to but he is not there yet. There might be a part of him that believes marrying her will cause her to end it. Perhaps by being married she will feel more shameful of doing it because then if their relationship ends it would be her fault because she is "cheating". I really believe this blackout period is going to be the least of her worries. I would strongly suggest that they not get married until he is 100 percent enthusiastic about her having other relationships.
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