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Old 04-21-2014, 02:26 AM
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PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
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Default Poly essentially unfair?

In my husband and one of his close friends, I have encountered a sentiment of poly being essentially unfair. He's even told me that he doesn't wish to date a girl outside of me because he thinks it would be unfair to *me*. I found the statement strange, because I found it assumptive on what I would and would not find fair. Hell, I'd argue it would be more fair to both of us if he did date someone, but alas.

I don't believe that poly is more unfair than monogamy. I tend to adhere that life is essentially unfair, because we all react to every individual uniquely. I strive to act on everyone's feelings as equally as I can, without disregarding my own. It's not a fair situation, but I am trying to be as fair and ethical as the circumstances will allow. That is the kind of fairness I endorse.

I see a consistent attitude that acting on feelings for someone else is unfair to that person, with no shades of grey. Yet I see people in a monogamous situations act on such feelings very thing often, and I can't help feeling it is disingenuous to discount alternative lifestyles. Am I just being insanely idealist and out of touch? I just wish sometimes I lived in a society where loving multiple people was expected and embraced.
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Old 04-21-2014, 03:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilosophicallyLost View Post
He's even told me that he doesn't wish to date a girl outside of me because he thinks it would be unfair to *me*. I found the statement strange, because I found it assumptive on what I would and would not find fair. Hell, I'd argue it would be more fair to both of us if he did date someone, but alas.
If people don't like your relationship decisions then that is their burden to bear.
If you choose to continue to listen to criticism about your decisions then that is your burden to bear.
As far as trying to get someone to understand you, speak clearly and intentionally and then let them do with the information as they will. There is nothing to be gained by trying to figure out what someone means by "fair" when that isn't what the conversation is *actually* about. The conversation being had is about insecurity and social norms... not about "fairness".
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Old 04-21-2014, 01:47 PM
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Being fair is relative. I don't believe it would be unfair to my wife when I develops a romantic relationship with another woman. I agree, I think it would be unfair to a new relationship, if that person wanted more time with me than what I would be able to give.

It is not very different when I was a workaholic working two jobs...My second job got less of my energy because it was secondary... It was more for fun and I wasn't trying to make a career out of it... However, my secondary career lead me on a new path and ended up leaving my primary job...It allowed me to see what else is out there. I have a great career now because of it...My other career was pretty awesome and I enjoyed it as well...I could have stayed and made a lifelong career out of it...

My time is limited. My career, wife, daughter, hobby's, volunteer work...I don't have a whole Lotta time for a secondary relationship, especially if she wanted more time than I am able to give... When the right relationship comes around and they are happy with the time they get from me, then it will be perfect and fair for all.

I think it is unfair to reject relationships whether it's a friend or a love interest because we think it is unfair... That's just what society tells us...

Even my hobby's take time away from my wife and daughter...Sometimes I think I am being unfair because I spend most of a Saturday hiking with my group...there is some guilt there...
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Old 04-21-2014, 02:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I think this could be a case of (what you believe) vs (what husband believes). And being different people, you are allowed to have different beliefs. They don't have to be the same.

If he's monoamorous and wants only one sweetie (you) -- then that is what he wants. He's a monoamorous guy in a polyship "V" as one of the "V arm" people. WHY he wants "monoamorous" for himself -- that's all his stuff and his beliefs. It's not rejecting you and your beliefs.

I don't think polyshipping is unfair. Neither is monoshipping. People can pick what suits them. *shrug*

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-21-2014 at 02:33 PM.
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Old 04-22-2014, 02:48 AM
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"Fair" doesn't mean "equal." Fair means everyone getting the same opportunities. So your husband choosing not to even up the score doesn't mean he's being less fair. For whatever reason, perhaps your husband doesn't believe he would be capable of giving you the same level of love and attention that he wants, if he's giving some to another woman.

Some people really are mono-minded. If they give one person love, it means taking it away from someone else. In our little bubble of the world, we know that's not necessarily true, as in for everyone. But it is true for some people. I think these are the people who struggle most in mono-poly relationships, because they truly can't imagine loving one person without unloving another. People like Gralson aren't inclined to multiple relationships, but they can at least hypothetically imagine what that would look like.

But in general, I absolutely agree that poly is not inherently unfair. Telling half the population that they have to follow relationship paradigms for which they're ill-suited? Now that's unfair.
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Old 04-22-2014, 03:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilosophicallyLost View Post
. . . he doesn't wish to date a girl outside of me because he thinks it would be unfair to *me*. I found the statement strange, because I found it assumptive on what I would and would not find fair.
Life, in general, is unfair. Watch almost any nature show for proof of this - root for the crocodile and the babboon gets eaten. Root for the babboon and the crocodile starves. There are very few win-win situations in the real world.

What I would take exception to, if I were you, is not the argument about whether poly is fair or not (and "poly" means what? A concept? Approach? A real-life potential multiple-partner arrangement?); No, I would bristle at my partner saying he's sacrificing an opportunity solely to protect me from life's unfairness when I've not asked for that protection or explicitly stated that I don't need it. How insulting for him assume that he knows better than I do about what I need and how to take care of myself. Gawd, how I hate hearing the phrase "it's for your own good."

Unless you want him to martyr himself and act like he's your parent or guardian by giving up things he could have just to soften life's blows for you, this is a good opportunity for you to assert your autonomy and ability to handle what life brings you.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-22-2014 at 01:14 PM.
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  #7  
Old 04-22-2014, 04:23 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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too many people believe fairness is also equity. It is not. Not all things fair are also equitable.

Life is as fair as you make it, so are your relationships.
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  #8  
Old 04-22-2014, 08:04 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Uhm... it's equity and equality that are not the same thing. Equity is, basically, the same as fairness... just from a more legal / social perspective, as opposed to things like dolling out cookies to the little ones.

Google it, yo.

Or just click.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #9  
Old 04-26-2014, 03:01 AM
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Re (from OP):
Quote:
"I just wish sometimes I lived in a society where loving multiple people was expected and embraced."
Heh, that would be a sweet deal, wouldn't it. I don't think we will, but perhaps our kids or our great-great grandkids will.

Is your husband perhaps implying (complaining) that he signed up for monogamy, but got polyamory instead and that's why it's not fair? Did he know you intended to live polyamorously at the time when he decided to marry you?

Fair is such a squishy, puzzling word. People can argue all day about what is and isn't fair, as well as about why this or that is or isn't fair.

Seems fair enough that he can hook up with someone extra just as much as you can, but if he didn't (originally) sign up for this polyamorous relationship then I guess he has somewhat of a leg to stand on. Not that he *has* to stay in this marriage if he doesn't want to, so there again, these are his choices, too, not just yours.
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  #10  
Old 04-27-2014, 03:30 PM
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Many monogamous marriages are not fair. People do change in all areas of their life over time, including sex. Some people are HD in the beginning of marriage and become LD over the years. Some accept a LD marriage early on, but eventually their true nature emerge and become HD. That may mean an affair, open marriage, poly...nothing is really fair...I accepted an LD marriage for over 17 years and I changed when I hit my 40's... I ramped up the sex from 3X a month to 10X a month and my wife complied... That wasn't fair for her... She never signed on for sex 10 X a month...I have backed off somewhat with sex... I would like even more...that's not gonna happen with her...I don't know what is fair. Either way, resentments will build...All we can do is be honest as possible without hurting the ones we love...
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