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  #11  
Old 04-18-2014, 10:24 PM
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Ever since then she has become VERY jealous of every girl I have come close to wanting to go on a date with. Each and every time she has a reason why I can't. Each and every reason is different and she always denies that each one has anything to do with jealousy.
She can classify her reactions any way she wants. It does sound like she's either in denial or a bit confused but that's irrelevant. As SC pointed out, you just need to decide where your priorities lie. Are you happy capitulating to her wishes or are you going to let her know that you will be making your own decisions from now on? As far as I can tell you have to pick one.

If you do decide to have this conversation I would avoid classifying her feelings for her. That's counter productive and not really your business. All you get to do is decide what is and what is not going to work for you... be kind and all that... but more important is to be honest about *your* decisions.

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Essentially she doesn't want me to date anyone in her social network; this means not dating anyone on the poly/kink scene or dating someone outside of my city, it also means not introducing any partner to that scene or friends within that scene. That makes it a logistical nightmare - that is my natural dating pool and my instinct if I dated someone outside of that pool would be to allow them a window into it.
So she is not "out" about being polyamorous?
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  #12  
Old 04-18-2014, 10:30 PM
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I really think the first step is her admitting to the jealousy so that we can work on it.
Incorrecto! That is 100% her issue to deal with and you thinking you know her emotions better than you is simply going to cause conflict.

Wait, is this a Dom/sub relationship?
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  #13  
Old 04-18-2014, 11:00 PM
Keepinghidden Keepinghidden is offline
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She is very out about being Poly, colleagues don't know but all her friends do - me less so, my friends within the kink scene all know but outside of that I've not had much success trying to explain it to them and my parents know I'm seeing her but don't know we're poly - I want them to meet before I spring that on them so they don't pre-judge her.

We are in a D/S relationship. But we don't let that define us. I am assertive and am happy taking the lead but on important issues like this I'd much rather it just be balanced.

Also our D/S relationship has fluctuated a little over the last year in that she finds me almost like a father figure/role model in terms of the way I support her and that's allowed for her little to come out - a side to her she didn't really fully know she had. It's not like Adult Baby play or anything and in fact we never mix age play with sex, but she has this little side come out every now and then aged about 8 who just likes to be very silly.
  #14  
Old 04-18-2014, 11:43 PM
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We are in a D/S relationship.
I didn't realize that.

Ignore everything I've said as it probably doesn't apply. I should ask that right out of the gate when I see anything about "kink" so I'm not wasting space.
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  #15  
Old 04-19-2014, 01:18 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Well, if she's doing CBT -- how about referring back to the techniques learned there to calm herself?

Could the twisted thinking and ways to untwist help any?



Quote:
In terms of the reasons she's given for not being comfortable with stuff they've varied and change each and every time (even giving different unconnected reasons when the same girl is brought up on different occasions); from the impact it will have on our time together, how it will make her feel uncomfortable in the local kink scene (again this relates back to her not wanting me to date anyone in the same social circle), to us 'not being ready' to date others...
With this stuff ... when you talk can you bring it up?
"I am not comfortable."
  • What do you need from me in order to feel more comfortable? From You?"

" This will impact our time together."
  • "Yes. How much time do you need to feel good? 3x a week? Something else?"

"You dating makes me uncomfortable in the local kink scene."
  • "Ok. How much discomfort can you live with? You want me to not be checking people out when I am with you, and just go out solo? Something else? What do you need to feel comfortable from me? From you? Because the reality is that our town has X dating pool of people and you find them at (location.) I'm willing to work with you, but I am not willing to zero date. "
The POV on this is a mono opening up but maybe there's nuggets there that's useful to you in this situation?
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...lationship.pdf

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Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-19-2014 at 01:26 AM.
  #16  
Old 04-19-2014, 03:31 PM
london london is offline
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You have to be careful that this eight year old little isn't used as a cunning tool in very adult manipulation.
  #17  
Old 04-19-2014, 09:24 PM
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She suffers from anxiety. CBT helps control it a lot but she has days where the whole world can look scary. Changes, the unknown, social scenarios, failing herself, failing her loved ones... they're all frankly TERRIFYING prospects. Now I get that and I've tried to be one step ahead in dealing with it by talking about it and reassuring her but it just doesn't work.
Zoffee's much the same. He'd prefer that everything always just stay the same. But eventually Auto had to realize that she couldn't live her life, happy and fulfilled, constantly walking on eggshells and cowtailing to her husband's mental illness. She proceeds with caution and empathy, but she does what she needs to do to find joy and fulfillment in her life.

Your gf's anxiety is her cross to bear. It's great that you're helping her with it, but don't handicap her ability to grow by avoiding difficult challenges.
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  #18  
Old 04-21-2014, 03:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keepinghidden View Post

She suffers from anxiety. CBT helps control it a lot but she has days where the whole world can look scary. Changes, the unknown, social scenarios, failing herself, failing her loved ones... they're all frankly TERRIFYING prospects. Now I get that and I've tried to be one step ahead in dealing with it by talking about it and reassuring her but it just doesn't work.

I really think the first step is her admitting to the jealousy so that we can work on it. CBT teaches her to break that cycle of negative thoughts and figure out which thoughts are rational and which aren't so once she's realised that she's being jealous and that it stems from fear then we can address those fears by figuring out which ones are justified and which aren't.

I still stand by what I say though. I couldn't date someone who didn't respect my relationship(s) with existing partner(s). No women out there love her or respect her more than her existing close friends.
I think this could be a key issue here. Perhaps it is not so much jealousy as it is anxiety...

If she already knows she has this issue, and has tools in place for it, perhaps approaching it from that angle would be more successful. Does she have other people in her life who can help her with this? Can her other partner? If she treats her feelings as episodes of anxiety rather than jealousy, she may be able to cope better and find a way out sooner. When people are diabetic, their partners dont always have to be there holding their hand and watching them take their insulin. They just recognize that they need it and take it. And they take other steps to insure that people around them will know what to do in an emergency. Maybe she can do this too.

Willow
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  #19  
Old 04-21-2014, 02:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Keepinghidden View Post
We are in a D/S relationship. But we don't let that define us. I am assertive and am happy taking the lead but on important issues like this I'd much rather it just be balanced.
Every D/s relationship is uniquely negotiated by the participants. I'd caution that if the D/S is an on-again/off-again thing, you're going to need to be clear about when it applies. If you don't you're creating a HUGE uncertainty. As you've agreed, uncertainty is poison for someone with anxiety.

Quote:
Also our D/S relationship has fluctuated a little over the last year in that she finds me almost like a father figure/role model in terms of the way I support her and that's allowed for her little to come out - a side to her she didn't really fully know she had. It's not like Adult Baby play or anything and in fact we never mix age play with sex, but she has this little side come out every now and then aged about 8 who just likes to be very silly.
As a practicing DD, remember that littles and people who express little tendencies crave structure and limits. It may seem antithetical to dealing with someone who has anxiety, but you might try curtailing her dysfunctional behavior with more rules. Normally you can't just tell someone with anxiety to "think logically", but within the D/s dynamic you can do many things from simply using a more authoritative tone in your discussions or strongly suggesting a pattern for dealing with her anxiety using methods and activities you know have worked in the past, all the way to taking much stricter control. You've said the D/s has morphed a bit, so only you will know what feels right, but being more commanding than you're used to could work. As with any D/s relationship, the duty that goes along with being a D-type is immense and requires a lot of self-education and planning. Don't veer off into where an expert is needed if things go that way. (Not that you've given any indications of being the type to fly off the handle.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
You have to be careful that this eight year old little isn't used as a cunning tool in very adult manipulation.
This. Your little asking for help from Daddy can be adorable and intimate. It can also be (whether she knows it consciously or not) "topping from the bottom". I've seen more than one DD/lg turn into BD/ds (the little becomes the dom) without either of them consciously realizing it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
I think this could be a key issue here. Perhaps it is not so much jealousy as it is anxiety...

If she already knows she has this issue, and has tools in place for it, perhaps approaching it from that angle would be more successful. Does she have other people in her life who can help her with this? Can her other partner? If she treats her feelings as episodes of anxiety rather than jealousy, she may be able to cope better and find a way out sooner. When people are diabetic, their partners dont always have to be there holding their hand and watching them take their insulin. They just recognize that they need it and take it. And they take other steps to insure that people around them will know what to do in an emergency. Maybe she can do this too.

Willow
After what I typed above, I agree with this too. She very well may need to do this on her own. This could be hard for you because a) you're used to leading the relationship and b) she doesn't seem to be doing it successfully so far. Don't be afraid to drop the D/s dynamic if it's not working for the two of you. Letting go and letting her grow up may be exactly what she needs, despite the heartstrings that littles can pull.

Your choice to go more or less D/s shouldn't be decided lightly.
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  #20  
Old 04-21-2014, 05:56 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
Normally you can't just tell someone with anxiety to "think logically", but within the D/s dynamic you can do many things from simply using a more authoritative tone in your discussions or strongly suggesting a pattern for dealing with her anxiety using methods and activities you know have worked in the past, all the way to taking much stricter control.
I'm not sure I agree with the idea of using D/s to cope with anxiety issues. That would require the DD to have a tremendous understanding of the full spectrum of both anxiety and the kink, and it seems to me that if the OP had that good an understanding of his gf's psychology, he wouldn't be here asking how to "make her" feel differently.

Combining D/s with CBT is a very dangerous road to go down, and not something to be even considered let alone attempted by anyone who lacks adequate education, mentorship, and experience.
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