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Old 04-10-2014, 11:12 PM
labelnone labelnone is offline
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Unhappy My Primary and I are moving - Secondary pushing me away - Help!

This is my first poly amorous relationship. I've been married for seven years quite happily, and we have two young children.

I met, fell in love with, and took the leap of unknown to be honest about my feelings with my secondary just over a year ago and it was a new type of relationship for all three of us. My husband has been very supportive the entire time, and we finally have gotten to a point where it feels comfortable. I see my secondary once or twice a week (We have a 'date night') and he even comes over for a movie with myself and hubby once in awhile.

I got a new job around the end of last year and we've known since then we would have to move about an hour an a half away. Since then I've been looking for places and we're finally due to move during the first week of May. In the last couple of weeks, my secondary and I have gotten into some weird arguments over things that are quite trivial. He's really having a problem talking about his feelings at all and I wonder if he's pushing me away because change is coming and we haven't really discussed where it will leave 'us'.

This really is so, so new for me and us and I was wondering if anyone's been in this kind of a situation before, where the relationship with the secondary suddenly becomes long-distance. I don't want him to think that because we are moving (and I feel strongly that I can't break a family apart...also, I really don't know how everyone would feel cohabitation, so I never even went there,) that he means any less to me.

He just today told me he needed a few days off to think about things and feel better. I feel rejected and confused but I do not want to be unsupportive. Any suggestions would be helpful.
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Old 04-10-2014, 11:22 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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You're moving in less than a month and haven't discussed details with him. I'm just going to assume that he feels rejected and confused.
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Old 04-11-2014, 02:30 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by labelnone View Post
I don't want him to think that because we are moving (and I feel strongly that I can't break a family apart...also, I really don't know how everyone would feel cohabitation, so I never even went there,) that he means any less to me.

He just today told me he needed a few days off to think about things and feel better. I feel rejected and confused but I do not want to be unsupportive. Any suggestions would be helpful.
1. You haven't actually talked with him about this. I can see where he's not sure where any of this leaves him.
2. Your actions put him in his place quite clearly. You don't believe in breaking a family apart (that's understandable) but you're quite willing to pack up and move away from him.

Yes, I've been in a somewhat similar position. My BF told me repeatedly how much I meant to him, that his being married somehow meant nothing to 'us,' that our relationship was anything we wanted it to be, that it was up to the two of us. Then he'd mention how he and his wife were going to retire a thousand miles away some day. And how he and his wife were looking for a new place to live. And it all revolved around what she wanted, not how it affected me or him and me.

I believe I was fully equal in his emotions, but eventually, it doesn't matter. His actions began to tell me very clearly that it always had been and always would be the two of them at the center of their lives, and that, no matter how much he protested otherwise (and maybe even convinced himself), I was really just a fun toy to occupy him while she went out banging all her boyfriends. Because in a real relationship, we don't just pack up and move and trust that the bf/gf will just continue being there and available. In a real relationship, that distance and how it impacts the relationship is a serious consideration.

I think he's just seen where he stands in your life.

Last edited by WhatHappened; 04-11-2014 at 01:56 PM.
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Old 04-11-2014, 03:06 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Just wondering how being one and a half hours away from each other is considered long-distance.
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Old 04-11-2014, 04:00 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I wouldn't maintain a relationship with someone that far.
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:55 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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Neither would I, it's simply too far away to maintain a relationship IMO.
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Old 04-11-2014, 04:51 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by labelnone View Post
I wonder if he's pushing me away because change is coming and we haven't really discussed where it will leave 'us'.

I don't want him to think that because we are moving that he means any less to me.

Any suggestions would be helpful.
I suggest having a frank and adult conversation with him so that he can tell you how he feels. The two of you should be honest about each of your expectations about how you want to relate to each other going forward.
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Old 04-11-2014, 05:25 PM
london london is offline
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It purely depends on the expectations you have for that relationship. If we could both accept the practical limitations that a LDR usually has, then it should be fine if we both do what we need to do to sustain our connection.
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Old 04-12-2014, 07:11 AM
Confused Confused is offline
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My husband currently lives a four hour flight away and my boyfriend a 2 hour drive away. I see my husband every week but my boyfriend only a few times a year. It's all scheduling issues rather than the distance that causes the problem, with my boyfriend, people work, have other partners and commitments but we love each other and always will so we make the most of skype, online gaming together, phone calls and photos.
I don't understand the assumption that a relationship will necessarily end because of the distance otherwise I'd be getting a divorce from a loving fulfilling marriage just because my husbands work requires him to live elsewhere.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:05 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Because in a real relationship, we don't just pack up and move and trust that the bf/gf will just continue being there and available. In a real relationship, that distance and how it impacts the relationship is a serious consideration.
I believe in making life choices based on what's best for me. Anyone who's available to come with me is free to do so, but I'm not going to tie myself down anywhere just because someone else is unavailable to move. In a "real relationships," you don't ask your to partner to put their dreams on hold for your sake. That's putting "the relationship" on a pedestal above "the people in the relationship," and that just makes no sense.

Gralson works on the road, usually 5-8 hours away. We see each other every second weekend.

Meanwhile, half of those weekends, we drive 1.5 hours to visit his aunt and uncle for coffee. We often spend more time on the road than the actual visit. It's the prairies. That's just what you do.

I might end up doing a post-doc across the world, depending on what opportunities I get. Unless it's somewhere hot like Australia, Gralson's planning to stay right here while I'm away for 1-2 years. And Auto's certainly not going to pack up her whole family to come with me. But that won't stop me from following my dreams. We'll make it work.

I would hate to live with myself if someone had a great opportunity, especially in this economy, and I held them back just because I wasn't happy about not seeing them.
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